making contact with an ex.......

[bdawg]

I thought I would post my problems on the internet, as I'm lost as to what to do about them.

 

I'll try to make the background as quick and painless as possible. Dumped in January, devastated, ex INSISTENT upon maintaining friendship, came to see me everyday, acting like nothing had changed (although she was now dating one of her friends). As to why I was dumped, I was never given a clear reason...she cited something about "not being fully integrated into her group" and I think the return of one of her 'guy' friends from Europe might have added some influence...but I am increasingly convinced that she just got too scared. I suppose the reasons don't really matter anyway.

 

Post-breakup was hard. Seeing her walk around with a big happy smile, acting like nothing had happend was extremely rough. Espcially since I felth like I was alone at the bottom of a 1km deep crevasse without any rope. We got in alot of arguments, and I lost a lot of dignity and she lost respect (not my finest hour). 3 months ago we got in a large fight, very childish, lots of namecalling, blaming...and we haven't spoken since.

 

Normally I wouldn't think twice about reinitiating contact given the circumstances. However, she was one of my very best friends before we were an 'item'...and I like to think that our friendship grew when we were together, with the exception of the nasty breakup.

 

I miss our conversations extremely. I miss our friendship that we once had. She was one of two people in the world that I would turn to when the **** hit the fan. I feel alot of regret I let our relationship disintigrate into nothing. We would pass oneanother on campus and not even say a word. It seemed to be completely over.

 

Recently, I recieved an email...it was her 'mass' end-of-semester message. You know the type..."This is what I'm doing this summer, and I'm living here, this is my phone number, I hope you all have a good summer". I use the term 'mass' lightly as there were only 7 or 8 recipents and I know she only sends such messages out to her closest friends.

 

I hope I didn't read into it too much, it just an email....she could have placed my address in there by mistake....but I want my friend back, and I'll take any sign.

 

My question is....would it be a smart move to make contact with her? Would she take me seriously? Would I be doing more damage? Should I just leave it? Lost of if's, I know...thats why I'm looking for advice. I work in silviculture in the summer, so I spend most of my days out in the bush or in camp...sometimes it gets lonely...and I don't want her to think that I'm just initiating contact because I'm lonely and bored and I am not interested in restarting a romantic relationship (I believe she is involved with someone anyway).....I just want my friend back.

 

Any feedback would help me out.

 

Lost in the Forest without a compass.

[Bill]

When lost in the forest without a compass, wait for the cloud cover to wash away, then look for the north star.

 

The clouds have washed away, but who knows if some still exist.

 

The clouds are the issues between you and her. If you valued that friendship, then you should give it a shot to contact her. You have nothing to lose now. You have only a friendship to gain if you play your cards right.

[Carly]

My vote is for you to go for it and call her. You have nothing to lose, only to gain. A failed romance does not mean no hope for a friendship, as long as you can both handle it.

 

And let's hope that you have BOTH learned from your antagonistic bahavior toward each other in the past, and are ready for a more mature friendship this time around.

[Carly]

Wow, Bill, look at our almost identical words that were posted at exactly the same time, re: having nothing to lose and only to gain.

 

Now if THAT'S not a sign for bdawg, then what is.

[midori]

but be clear about what *you* want. Obviously in any interaction one has to have some sensitivity about what the other person wants & feels. But let your primary guidance come from what you want.

 

For example, you want to get in touch with her. Presumably you wanted to even before the email arrived, but you didn't know how you'd be received. You were looking for permission to do what you wanted to do. The email could be taken as a sign that she'd like to hear from you ... but that's not what should matter. Why do you have to ask permission? If you want to communicate with her, communicate! If she doesn't want to communicate with you, she'll respond accordingly.

 

I think people get really mixed up and muddled, myself very much included, when they try to mesh their own intentions with their interpretations of what other people *might* be trying to convey to them.

 

You were on that short email list. If it was a mistake, she'll have to say so. In the meantime there you are, wanting to get in touch -- so go ahead. If you're direct and honest with yourself and her, at a minimum your respect and dignity will be safeguarded. And far better things may come of it too. Good luck!

[quankanne]

I went through something similar after not speaking to my best friend from college for several years. I was very surprised when i got a letter from him after I'd moved across the state, but humbled, too. I mean, here was a guy I loved dearly and consider my soul mate because he understood me, and I acted like a big jerk for no real good reason. Yet he still cared enough about our friendship to want to make it work out. The hardest part came after asking him to forgive me for being such a jackass, because I didn't know if he would, but he did.

 

I hope your tale has a happy ending, too, because I honestly don't know what I'd do without this particular friend, who is more dearer to me than my own brothers and sisters. Go for it, man, and if it means swallowing your pride to ask for forgiveness or understanding for the blow up between you, do it, because you'll get something wonderful in return. Good luck!

[Bill]

Carly: That's my ESP acting up again.