Desperately Seeking Shirl

[CCCCrest-fallen]

"It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." I can only conclude that whom-ever first came up with this quote had either never been in love, or at the very least had never felt the pain and sorrow that I now feel. Unfortunately, I have created this situation for myself, and having sown the seed of the wind, I now have to reap the whirlwind of my actions.

 

In the summer of '99 I was lucky enough to meet a most wonderful, beautiful and vibrant woman, and over the course of that season we became very good friends. Whenever we needed to talk to about something we knew we could talk to each other. She can always make me smile, lighten my moods. Just thinking her name fills me with joy, seeing her radiant, smiling face in my mind's eye never fails to make me happy.

 

I, however, already have a girlfriend whom I do not see very often. I never envisioned that I would have feelings for someone else, but I found that these feelings began to surface. When I would go away I would miss her, and would be anxious to get back to see her. As it transpires, she too was getting feelings for me and towards the end of last year we began to date. We became very close and would spend all our time together, and I genuinely feel that we made each other exceptionally happy. The fact, however, that I had a girlfriend, was never far from our minds. The feelings I have for my girlfriend are confused. Distance, some people would say, makes the heart grow stronger. Eventually, however, distance will begin to numb your feelings as you grow use to that person not being in your every day life. The woman I met began to fill this void and I wanted her to be a part of my existence. I had never met anyone who could read me so well, someone with whom I could be no-one but myself with, someone who would take my dark moods, my melancholy for the fact they were part of who I was. In essence, we are 2 people who are intensely private people with our feelings, but who could, almost, open up to each other. She however, most understandably, began to resent feeling like the other woman. Things began to come to a head just before Christmas as I was going home to see my family, and my girlfriend. I fully understood how she felt and I didn't want to bring pain to someone I had such strong feelings for.

 

Whilst I was away, I thought of her constantly and wanted to speak to her so much, but figured that she would have spent the intervening days putting me out of her mind. When I returned I didn't contact her, as I felt that was what she wanted, but she contacted me and we got together to talk our situation over. We just seemed to fall into each others arms again, couldn't not have each other in our lives. But I was still conscious of hurting her, of hurting someone I Love. I just can't contemplate her not being there in my life, and I so want to tell her how I really feel for her. I don't know why I can't express my true feelings, though at times the words are bursting out of me. I want to tell her how happy she makes me.

 

Anyway, a couple of days ago that which I couldn't imagine, happened as we were no longer a part of each other's lives. I cannot express in words how much I miss her, how my life has become so hopelessly empty. You really do not know what you've got until you lose it. I miss her smile, her moods, her voice, her joy and her passion, her beautiful face, the smell of her hair. I miss my best friend and my confidant. I hate the sorrow that hangs in my heart. I never wanted to hurt someone that I have come to love so much, but I guess that is what I was going to end up doing before too long. I don't expect her to understand my motives, I don't honestly know them myself. Maybe I hope that one day we could be together again, that I will run my fingers through her hair once more. What I wouldn't give, or give up, just to kiss her soft lips again, to stop feeling so hopelessly unhappy. But I feel lost, torn and confused. I know what I want, I want her in my life, not as the other woman, but as the only the only woman. I want to get up at un-natural times on sunday mornings to go to auditions with her, and run around town getting those last minute items she needs. I want to be there when she finally makes it, share with her the highs and comfort her with the lows. I want to cross bridges with her and experience all the world has to offer with her. I want to dance with her, lord knows, i even want to go roller blading with her. I want to tell her all these thing to her face, so that she knows that i mean them. But i feel that i need time to close one chapter of my life before I can open another, for there is someone else whose feelings i need to consider, a situation that i need to handle delicately and with honesty. But how do you ask someone, who has given you so much already, to give you more time, that most precious of all commodities? How many people get asked that, and how many of the people asking go on to procrastinate. I don't want to do that to her, as I could never stand her hating me. I suppose this is why I pulled away from her, I didn't want her to feel like I was playing with her emotions and feelings.

 

I guess the lesson is that you can never know when these sort of feelings and emotions are going to come rushing into your life, and they come as an additional shock when you aren't looking for them, or you are in a situation where you don't expect them. I know there may be no coming back, and i can accept that. The pain can be no worse(I hope). Time to stand up and be counted?, I guess so, though I do not relish the tasks that lie before me. I look for the answers in the sorrow that i feel, in the cold lights of reflection and reality, in the ashes of my emotions. I just hope that in trying to gain a modicum of I don't know what, I haven't gone on to lose everything that has become important to me.

 

I know I am not the first person to go through this, and i will not be the last, but that doesn't make the loneliness of my situation any easier, it is cold comfort indeed. Where do I go from here.........?

[Wise Chick]

Your email was beautiful. You show such love and compassion yet what you didnt do in this email is state your plans with the woman who is your girlfriend. What is your relationship with her? How long have you dated? Will you break up with her and why the delay? For until you make a decision you are not building a relationship on trust and openness...I have had my share of dishonest boyfriends and as much as your email was wonderful I find that cheating is dishonest and unfair to all parties. It's time you make a descions that are honest so that you can have a positive relationship built on trust. Yet who will it be with is what you need to decide. The longer you wait the more you will lose.

 

Chickie

[It is up to YOU!!!]

As I was reading your posting I kept thinking that your a guy that wants the

 

best

 

of both worlds. Claims to love and miss the woman close by but wants

 

someone to be around when he goes home. It is obvious to me that by your

 

posting the woman close by has basically said "Dump your girlfriend if you

 

want to be with me." She is right. She is treating your girlfriend better

 

than you are. If you really miss, love and want to be part of this

 

woman's life then get on the phone IMMEDIATLEY and tell your

 

girlfriend it is over. Stop wasting her time.....if you would just break up

 

with her then she can heal and get on with her life and meet her match. She

 

deserves a better boyfriend than you!! So let her go so she can live her

 

life. You are causing your own pain right now. It is your own fault. You

 

could

 

easily solve your problems NOW!! I would like to wish you happiness and

 

love with the other woman. But what I would love to say to her is "watch

 

your back" because when/if she becomes your new girlfriend in a matter of

 

time you could have another "other" woman.

 

Signed:

 

It is up to you to get what YOU really want!!!!

 

"It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." I can only conclude that whom-ever first came up with this quote had either never been in love, or at the very least had never felt the pain and sorrow that I now feel. Unfortunately, I have created this situation for myself, and having sown the seed of the wind, I now have to reap the whirlwind of my actions. In the summer of '99 I was lucky enough to meet a most wonderful, beautiful and vibrant woman, and over the course of that season we became very good friends. Whenever we needed to talk to about something we knew we could talk to each other. She can always make me smile, lighten my moods. Just thinking her name fills me with joy, seeing her radiant, smiling face in my mind's eye never fails to make me happy. I, however, already have a girlfriend whom I do not see very often. I never envisioned that I would have feelings for someone else, but I found that these feelings began to surface. When I would go away I would miss her, and would be anxious to get back to see her. As it transpires, she too was getting feelings for me and towards the end of last year we began to date. We became very close and would spend all our time together, and I genuinely feel that we made each other exceptionally happy. The fact, however, that I had a girlfriend, was never far from our minds. The feelings I have for my girlfriend are confused. Distance, some people would say, makes the heart grow stronger. Eventually, however, distance will begin to numb your feelings as you grow use to that person not being in your every day life. The woman I met began to fill this void and I wanted her to be a part of my existence. I had never met anyone who could read me so well, someone with whom I could be no-one but myself with, someone who would take my dark moods, my melancholy for the fact they were part of who I was. In essence, we are 2 people who are intensely private people with our feelings, but who could, almost, open up to each other. She however, most understandably, began to resent feeling like the other woman. Things began to come to a head just before Christmas as I was going home to see my family, and my girlfriend. I fully understood how she felt and I didn't want to bring pain to someone I had such strong feelings for. Whilst I was away, I thought of her constantly and wanted to speak to her so much, but figured that she would have spent the intervening days putting me out of her mind. When I returned I didn't contact her, as I felt that was what she wanted, but she contacted me and we got together to talk our situation over. We just seemed to fall into each others arms again, couldn't not have each other in our lives. But I was still conscious of hurting her, of hurting someone I Love. I just can't contemplate her not being there in my life, and I so want to tell her how I really feel for her. I don't know why I can't express my true feelings, though at times the words are bursting out of me. I want to tell her how happy she makes me. Anyway, a couple of days ago that which I couldn't imagine, happened as we were no longer a part of each other's lives. I cannot express in words how much I miss her, how my life has become so hopelessly empty. You really do not know what you've got until you lose it. I miss her smile, her moods, her voice, her joy and her passion, her beautiful face, the smell of her hair. I miss my best friend and my confidant. I hate the sorrow that hangs in my heart. I never wanted to hurt someone that I have come to love so much, but I guess that is what I was going to end up doing before too long. I don't expect her to understand my motives, I don't honestly know them myself. Maybe I hope that one day we could be together again, that I will run my fingers through her hair once more. What I wouldn't give, or give up, just to kiss her soft lips again, to stop feeling so hopelessly unhappy. But I feel lost, torn and confused. I know what I want, I want her in my life, not as the other woman, but as the only the only woman. I want to get up at un-natural times on sunday mornings to go to auditions with her, and run around town getting those last minute items she needs. I want to be there when she finally makes it, share with her the highs and comfort her with the lows. I want to cross bridges with her and experience all the world has to offer with her. I want to dance with her, lord knows, i even want to go roller blading with her. I want to tell her all these thing to her face, so that she knows that i mean them. But i feel that i need time to close one chapter of my life before I can open another, for there is someone else whose feelings i need to consider, a situation that i need to handle delicately and with honesty. But how do you ask someone, who has given you so much already, to give you more time, that most precious of all commodities? How many people get asked that, and how many of the people asking go on to procrastinate. I don't want to do that to her, as I could never stand her hating me. I suppose this is why I pulled away from her, I didn't want her to feel like I was playing with her emotions and feelings.

 

I guess the lesson is that you can never know when these sort of feelings and emotions are going to come rushing into your life, and they come as an additional shock when you aren't looking for them, or you are in a situation where you don't expect them. I know there may be no coming back, and i can accept that. The pain can be no worse(I hope). Time to stand up and be counted?, I guess so, though I do not relish the tasks that lie before me. I look for the answers in the sorrow that i feel, in the cold lights of reflection and reality, in the ashes of my emotions. I just hope that in trying to gain a modicum of I don't know what, I haven't gone on to lose everything that has become important to me. I know I am not the first person to go through this, and i will not be the last, but that doesn't make the loneliness of my situation any easier, it is cold comfort indeed. Where do I go from here.........?