monika Posted May 1, 2003 Share Posted May 1, 2003 my boyfriend is a very self assured very self esteemed type of guy who really needs no strokes for anything. he is almost to a point of arrogance and conceit but maybe i confuse his esteem with arrogance. yet when he wants to do something or dresses up nice or does something different out of the ordinary i find myself making snide comments then taking them back with a compliment later on. i find this most hurtful to both of us, but he is so self assured that it does not seem to bother him as much as it does me. i wonder at times if i am just jealous but i really don't think i am, but what could i be jealous of if i were? then at other times i can give other people without even thinking about it nice compliments but it is so hard to give him any praise. this bothers me why i can with others but not with him, any ideas on something like this? anybody? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 1, 2003 Share Posted May 1, 2003 are you resentful about something he did or said, and this is how it's manifesting itself? It's good that you are conscientious about this habit; maybe trying not to say anything at all will help you break out of making snide remarks then later apologizing. you can never be too careful about how you chose and use words -- once they come out, it's hard to take them back, no matter how hard you try! Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted May 1, 2003 Share Posted May 1, 2003 Why do you want to compliment him if he's on the verge of arrogance as it is? That's probably precisely he's so hard to compliment. Do you think it'd be a problem to just not compliment him? You can still thank him, etc, to show your appreciation... I'd worry more about what hides under that near-arrogance. best of luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted May 1, 2003 Share Posted May 1, 2003 You ask in the title, Why can't I give bf support. Yet in the text your issue is really, why do you insult him: "when he wants to do something or dresses up nice or does something different out of the ordinary i find myself making snide comments" I think that when people habitually throw insults at people for no good reason, they are just trying to provoke a rise out of their partner. This is your bid to get some emotional response out of him. Our older son does it to younger sister all the time. He gets jealous of her and this is his not-so-great way of dealing with it. Why do you need to cheat this emotional response from him? Is he "flat" when it comes to emotions? Is he a person who can put on great outward appearances but is emotionally shallow? If that is the case, and you have more needs for emotioanl connection with your partner, then he is not the one for you. Or is he just fine in expressing emotions (as our daughter is), but you have needs for a constant emotional fix from people? When he is dressing himself nicely, or doing something silly, is that too long for you to wait to get anything out of him? Does it bother you that his attention is not on you all the time? Ask others around you what they think: Is it him or is it you? Link to post Share on other sites
jessicakicksbut Posted May 2, 2003 Share Posted May 2, 2003 YES knows what she is talking about. My ex-boyfriend was an arrogrant person, hidden in what he called "high self-esteem that others are just jealous of". I'd like to add though, as I reflect back on that relationship, I used to insult him just to shake his self-esteem, and help him see that he is not a perfect person. I felt as though he needed to be put in his place, and taken off his high horse once in a while. He used to annoy me by how he would belittle others behind their back, and constantly explain to me how he is better than them. Maybe you are insulting him becaus deep down inside you are annoyed by his arrogance, similar to how I was annoyed by my ex? Link to post Share on other sites
monika Posted May 4, 2003 Share Posted May 4, 2003 you know you are so right about wanting to "put him in his place"! do you know how many times i have said to myself? well neither do i but it has to be upwards of over a hundred if not more. you know he is so arogant that i want to beat it out of him at times. he does not at least talk about others or act superior to others it is just an "aire" about him that makes me want to beat his butt. i don't think i am jealous but i have questioned that, and i dont feel that i am but one never really knows what lurks under their own feelings. carly: i don't throw insults per se at him, i just may ask him what is the ocassion for the suit? or that tie does not look with that suit, or if i see a hair on his dress clothes i wont take it off, you knw just piddly little things. when it comes to emotions he is not very responsive but he has cried over events in our life, but i think that normally he is just like if i am emotional about something he acts as if it is not a big deal and that makes me feel stupid for thinking is was. his favorite emotion is impatience and anger, and then arrogance, lol. he does seem to think he is a little too perfect and does in my opinion needs to be put in his place once in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted May 4, 2003 Share Posted May 4, 2003 when are men going to learn to make their ladies feel good, i ask? I think that under such borderline-arrogance hides insecurity. Why else would he put you down for being emotional over "insignificant" things? (Who cares if they're significant? you need comfort, not criticism...) Just remember to look past the surface. good luck! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted May 4, 2003 Share Posted May 4, 2003 :-) Sounds to me like you're the one with the problem......that you feel intimidated and jealous of his self esteem and self assurance. Seems pretty petty to me, the way you're treating him, this "trying to put him in his place" mindset. He is what he is and if you can't stop yourself from trying to subtly cut him down, all because you're insecure and jealous of him, you'd likely be better off ending things with him so that he can find a woman who appreciates him the way he is, and you can find someone who has self esteem more in keeping with yours. Again, your behavior sounds petty and passively vengeful and immature. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted May 4, 2003 Share Posted May 4, 2003 Extreme self-esteem is unattractive. Everybody wants a partner who will need them, including their support & reassurance. Besides, true self-esteem isn't even remotely like arrogance. Somebody who's sure of himself is directed towards making his partner feel good about herself. And look how she's feeling. that's my view, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
jessicakicksbut Posted May 4, 2003 Share Posted May 4, 2003 We do not always insult others because of jealousy, other issues can be involved. Didn't you ever hear of the word "ANGER"? Just a Girl 2, I have a question for you? Have you ever cut anyone down in your life, or thrown an insult? Were you jealous, or angry? There is a big difference...niether is right, but both can cause one to insult or critize another person. Link to post Share on other sites
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