Feeling of great agony

[thepinched]

i have come to a realization...i NEED to be more selfish in my life. Meaning i need to not settle for life because of my own insecurities. i am having great agnst over my marriage. more than angst...i want OUT. it's never been great and no kids thank goodness. we have fought a lot about many things. but i always blamed myself for not trying hard enough or blaming myself for most of the problems. but i don't think that's my problem anymore. i am over that...i realize no one is solely the problem..."how long's a piece of string?"

 

my problem is that i feel that i am putting in WAY more than i am getting out. aside from being the bread winner, i cook, clean, launder, grocery shop, etc. and she still tells me i "just make the money"...it's laughable. but now i am feeling that i should be selfish and want someone who at least provides some equal value in return. i feel guilty that she isn't that person...and refuses to push herself to go the next step and try harder. so i end up helping her finish some course work (her 1 internet class) she is doing or i help with something else. ok English is a second language for her, but i know plenty of people that crack open the dictionary and bust their tails to get it done by themselves. i don't have a problem proof reading or helping, but writing it for her is frustrating. i feel like i have to help her with almost something daily. i am fairly self-sufficient. i ask her to do more (rather i complain) and she gets to it for a day or so...but it goes back to the same old same old.

 

so my dilemna...let's just assume (i know the danger) she loves me unconditionally (which i would have doubts about) but let's just assume. is it wrong for me to want more out of her besides just her love. that's where my guilt kicks in. but everyone is able to go do more...we just choose to not do so. but what's love really when the other person values themselves more than you and is willing to push more onto you...that's not love...that's using or abusing...but maybe not love (hence why i said i have my doubts). who knows maybe in the next few years it could materialize...but assumptions again...do i live my life based on that. i agonize daily...

 

but then again...i am afraid to leave as well as i am worried about "what if i don't find someon else?"...lots of people tell me that it's better to be by myself than with her...at least that way i have some freedom back. by my low self-esteem kicks in. but logically i understand that there are tons of people that are always looking and you are bound to find someone else.

 

we have separated a few times before from a few days to a few weeks...i am trapped in my own hell of compassion and insecurity...

[Krytie TV]

That was pretty much my marriage. I did everything around the house. However, my ex was also emotionally abusive to me.

 

This is a tough moral question. Is there religion involved? Did you guys promise to work through everything? Do either of you believe in divorce?

 

To answer your question, yes, it's OK to be selfish. In fact, I would go so far as to say it's imperative to some degree. However, leaving just because is not really air-tight is it? If she hasn't really done anything to you outside of the bounds of respectful behavior, I don't know about just bailing. That's what the girlfriend phase is for.

[thepinched]

well. our GF phase was only 2 months...i screwed up and rushed it. among the biggest mistakes i have ever made. we have tried therapy and she decided it didn't help and we quit it. i agree that it didn't help much. we believe in divorce...she threatens to leave me when i stand firm and am not the push over she would like me to be. she says the jerk in me comes out...i say i am just standing up for myself.

 

my real problem is that i don't believe that she really loves me. as long as i am giving everything is ok...if i don't go for what she wants then everything turns. we are intellectually completely incompatible. she takes the easy way out, i fight through...hence why i end up being the bearer of the brunt of our life. but how is that fair in life? ok i married her, but having to grind myself to the ground to keep her content...then how am i living my life? i buy her a new car (Accord), i drive my 12 year old car...she still bickers about how she would have liked a lexus. it's like reality misses her completely.

 

for 2 years we fight nearly every week. before it was 4+ times per week...now neither one of us has the energy to and it is down to 1-3 times per week. i think it's simply compatibility.

 

neither one of has cheated. but lying yes. she buys things (i'd say this year nearly $1k) worth of stuff for her family back overseas and has hid it from me. but for 2 years she accuses me of giving my family financial assistance which i don't...but she still has made her mind up about that. that is the pot calling the kettle...but again if it's in her benefit then it's ok...one way relationship. now in all fairness to her...she has started (last few months) working part time...but i compartively make 8x her earnings. so she works and can do what she wants with her money. i work and have to answer to her.

[thepinched]

i think the biggest issue is that i am living to provide for someone elses life. which would be ok, if they lived to provide for my life. a 50-50 deal...give and take. i guess i am saying i feel resentful and the relationship is one sided. and she doesn't see it.

 

some further background:

well she does come from another country. she was an asylee her and i got her a green card. legally she was a resident already...but the green card through marriage did have perks for her. she would have received one through her asylum status, but through me was even better...so i try to put that out of the equation. but it did mess me up for 1.5 years. i put spyware on the home PC and found out some horrid stuff. her conversation with her sister did bring out some bad stuff...stuff that made me doubt the authenticity of our marriage. but yet...i realize that everyone marries to improve their life...so if she used me...she only used herself...i am a great guy. so i am trying to say...that's not even in the equation...doesn't matter.. anyone can leave a relationship for ANY reason so ehhhh...but it is background into our marriage.

[Krytie TV]

It seems you are willing to entertain the idea of ending the marriage. If this is true, why not try bringing it back to good? Pull back on the giving, only insomuch as you get what you deserve based on what you have already given her. If turmoil ensues, you need to decide where your resolve is. You can either give in or let the relationship deteriorate to the point that it's feasible to end it.

 

This of course, is an alternative to just ending it. You can't make it work by yourself. The exact moment that literally made me stand and walk out the door on my ex-wife was when I asked her if she would go see a counselor with me (things had been bad a long time, and I was suffering). She laughed at me and said "hell no" and I left.

[thepinched]

well, i have been trying to be more selfish in the last few weeks. i go see my family once every two weeks, where as before i saw them once every few months. they don't like each other. i go work out at night when i want, i still get attitude that i don't spen time with her because i go to the gym for an hour w/o her. if i don't go grocery shopping...we will have a bare fridge...but maybe i need to care less. i am fairly compassionate...but maybe that needs to be tabled for a while.

 

well it's good to hear that guys leave their wives. it may sound naive...but i just have a stereotype that women leave the marriages...to compound that i then think that the prospects of finding someone else will be over. so why give up what you have...but i guess if it's suffering then why hold on to it.

 

i go to the therapist alone now. she even criticized the therapist. we talked about what she wants to do with her life and she blew up. since then she doesn't want to go back. what she wants to do is to avoid working FT. but when we were going things were getting worse. i think it was because i was opening up my feelings there.

 

i guess in the end i am saying i wish i had an equal in life. whereas now i feel like i have a dependant.

[Krytie TV]

I can assure you, romance does not end after marriage. In fact, it usually gets better. I'm so glad I didn't let myself miss out on this part of my life.

[thepinched]

Part of be me believes that she is only working part time so that she can say she's working and try to justify doing less than her share. we've had a few fights about her not doing enough. but now that she's working she pulls out the "i work too" card. she works 20 hrs/week.

 

and is she stealing from us? she buys things for her family and hides them. am i being to critical? i don't do that because it's dishonest. but if someone can lie about that can they lie about other things too. it proves that she is self-serving and me first i think.