He's not a cheater; why can't I move on?

[stace79]

I have written in the past about this relationship. It started off shakily, as his ex of five years kept interfering. My now bf says he finally realized I was the right girl for him, and he pursued me until I gave in. He agreed to stop talking to his ex, and if/when she contacted him at all he notified me immediately and also shared the communication with me to earn my trust back. We have moved in together about three weeks ago, and he has been nothing short of wonderful, always telling me how great I am, how much he loves and cares for me. He has surprised me with little things here and there.

 

He reiterated to me many times that while he wanted to do whatever it took to earn my trust back and make me happy, he did still want to eventually open the lines of communication with his ex because they had such a long and good friendship. I finally agreed, mostly because I trust that he would never cheat on me. (Neither of us has ever cheated in our lives and we both have strong feelings against that.)

 

Now though, I am just consumed with worry that she will start her manipulative ways again. I have expressed my concerns to him, especially since when I do NOT talk about it, I start having nightmares about her. I really just feel like I'm obsessing over it, and mostly for nothing! He e-mailed her telling her he was ready to try and keep in touch via email as friends, and his email was all about how he loves our place and we're doing really well. She hasn't emailed him back, and it's been a week. He emailed her again, saying he hoped she wanted to still be friends but if she didn't he would understand, and please to let him know that.

 

He has assured me that IF his communicating with her started causing problems with us, that he would cease trying to be friends with her, because "I am his number one priority" and "my happiness is most important." So why can't I let go and trust him? I keep telling myself that if she DID come between us again, that he is just not for me and I can't stop that no matter how much I try.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions to help calm my obsession? I don't want to ruin this by being hyper-paranoid, especially when every sign says I have nothing to worry about.

[oppath]

It's not an irrational obsession. This girl came back and stole your bf away, right? He dumped you originally to see if there was still a spark with her. He told you he made a mistake and asked for you back. You are being quite lenient in allowing him to be friends. Your paranoia is RATIONAL. I can't give you any advice. I wouldn't have been willing to allow him to initiate contact with her. I'm fine with ex's being distant friends, but if they try to interfere in my relationship, they aren't a friend of my gf, and they should be GONE. You made your decision to allow him to contact her. Cool. Make him understand that just because you are allowing this, he still needs to work at earning your trust.

[norajane]

He e-mailed her telling her he was ready to try and keep in touch via email as friends, and his email was all about how he loves our place and we're doing really well. She hasn't emailed him back, and it's been a week. He emailed her again, saying he hoped she wanted to still be friends but if she didn't he would understand, and please to let him know that.

 

I don't know the story of your bf and his ex...but it seems too much that he has contacted her TWICE. What's his big need to be 'friends' with her?

 

I agree with oppath - your concerns are logical and legitimate.

 

Tell your bf that it's giving you nightmares, so obviously it's too soon for him to try to be friends with her. Tell him to hold off on this friendship if she responds because you need more time to pass between the end of their relationship and the start of yours.

[stace79]

Thanks... My bf has this need to always be looked upon favorably by anyone. He always has wanted to try to stay distant friends with any woman he's dated, I think simply because he can't stand for anyone to think he's a jerk (for instance, if he broke up with them).

 

He never really got back together with his ex, but we did break up because he wasn't sure what he was feeling. What he has told me is that in that time, he did start talking to her more frequently, but he didn't really see her much (she lived a couple hours away) and he discovered the same reasons they broke up before are still there. She moved, but still lives about an hour and a half from us. And he has agreed that he won't see her or talk to her on the phone or anything; that he just wants to e-mail once in awhile to catch up on her life.

 

He was visiting parents last night about an hour from us, so maybe I will bring this up again tonight. I just don't understand what she could possibly offer in a friendship that he couldn't get from me or all his other friends (and he does have other female friends who I have no issues with and I trust to be decent people).

 

I think one thing that is bothering me now is that I believe this girl is one of the most manipulative and conniving girls I've ever dealt with. I believe her not responding to his e-mail is purposeful. I think she feels like if she ignores him long enough that he will get frustrated and want to call her to make sure she's "okay". He doesn't want to believe she's that horrible a person. Anyway, I think I will take your advice and have another discussion about this with him. If anyone else has any other takes, I'm all ears.

[Spoonandfork22]

yea my boyfriend also wanted to stay close with the ex-lover. i knew, and still know today, how manipulative she is. she can get any guy to do anything for her, regardless what she may ask. its disgusting. my bf refuses to see her as anything but a good person even though she has tried to break us up TWICE. I also thought i was reading about MY bf when you mentioned he has the need to be looked favorably upon. my bf is the same way. he hates drama, he hates people not liking him. i can understand that but when it comes to a relationship i firmly believe you have to do whats best for YOUR RELATIONSHIP not what is good for someone in your past.

 

Im with you on this one Stace. I have a VERY hard time letting myself trust my bf. I figure he did it once, he'll A) get better at hiding it or B) do it again and i will have no clue. Its all about protecting US.

 

I have almost broken up with my bf over this. Its very hard for me to sit back and not be paranoid. I checked his phone last night & he had deleted all his texts. Probably smarter. Although Im sure there wasnt anything, I would have found something to make me paranoid regardless.

 

I wish I had advice for you on how to deal wtih this but I am going through the same thing!! I know my bf is a very good person so its hard for me to believe he would hurt me over another girl but....you never know nowadays. Keep us posted! I cant talk to my bf any more about this topic because it has just been exhausted. We rarely get anywhere and all there is is yelling or tears. Its a very hard issue to deal with, trust me i know!

 

If only they could see what the girls were REALLY DOING. its painful isnt it, to watch someone you love be so easily manipulated while everyone around them sees whats really going on?

 

I wish you luck.

[stace79]

 

I have almost broken up with my bf over this. Its very hard for me to sit back and not be paranoid. I checked his phone last night & he had deleted all his texts. Probably smarter. Although Im sure there wasnt anything, I would have found something to make me paranoid regardless.

 

I wish I had advice for you on how to deal wtih this but I am going through the same thing!! I know my bf is a very good person so its hard for me to believe he would hurt me over another girl but....you never know nowadays. Keep us posted! I cant talk to my bf any more about this topic because it has just been exhausted. We rarely get anywhere and all there is is yelling or tears. Its a very hard issue to deal with, trust me i know!

 

If only they could see what the girls were REALLY DOING. its painful isnt it, to watch someone you love be so easily manipulated while everyone around them sees whats really going on?

 

I wish you luck.

 

Yeah, you apparently now exactly how I feel! We had a discussion about it again last night, and he always has an answer. I had to remind him that she broke us up once, temporarily. And the funny thing is, me and another female friend of his told him that "she doesn't really want you, she just doesn't want anyone else to have you." And he refused to believe that. FINALLY, in about July or August, she e-mailed him asking if they could still be friends, and in her explanation, she said EXACTLY verbatim what I said and his other female friend said (above). And I reminded him of that last night. I said "Baby, you didn't want to believe me last time and I was right. Why can't you accept that you can't see her for what she really is?"

 

He insists that should they start up communication again that he won't hide anything from me and if she starts her manipulation again he will end the friendship. He's just too trusting. Not to mention the fact that I just hate her guts. I even told him she's never allowed to our house, and if we got married she wouldn't be invited to the wedding and I'd never want her meeting our children, so what is the point of continuing that friendship? And he says mostly because she was there for him during a time in college when he got really ill. He believes he might have killed himself if she hadn't been around to support him.

 

I dunno what the answer is, but he asked me if I'd want to go to couples therapy to work on that. So I guess we will see. I wish that SHE would do the honorable thing and leave him alone, and just tell him that SHE didn't think they should be friends anymore. But I know that will never happen.

[Cobra_X30]

Yeah, you apparently now exactly how I feel! We had a discussion about it again last night, and he always has an answer. I had to remind him that she broke us up once, temporarily. And the funny thing is, me and another female friend of his told him that "she doesn't really want you, she just doesn't want anyone else to have you." And he refused to believe that.

 

First, I dont think he should stay friends with his ex. He is with you now... not her. This girl should not be a priority to him, and if it bothers you... you should be more important to him that a couple of stupid emails a year.

 

However, you seem to be putting more emotion into this than may be warranted at the moment. What have your past relationships been like? How do you get along with your parents?

[BlueEyedSarah]

I don't think he should be communicating with an ex, but thats just what I beleive. It causes hurt andand tears. If he doesnt want to look like to jerk with he's ex girlfriends then he should move on with he's life instead of emailing he's ex who is still hung up on him, giving her faulse hopes that he still has feelings for her to be contacting her.

[stace79]

First, I dont think he should stay friends with his ex. He is with you now... not her. This girl should not be a priority to him, and if it bothers you... you should be more important to him that a couple of stupid emails a year.

 

However, you seem to be putting more emotion into this than may be warranted at the moment. What have your past relationships been like? How do you get along with your parents?

 

My past relationships are not great, honestly. I have some experiences in my past that have hurt my self-worth, and I've tried to work on that. My bf is aware of these things, too, which is one of the primary reasons I think he offered to go to couples counseling with me. He genuinely seems like he wants this to work, which I'm happy about and appreciative for, but again, I just don't understand why he can't put her in the past. You don't always stay best friends with everyone, ya know?

 

And the fact that she will NEVER be my friend makes it that much more difficult. This girl deliberately tried (and succeeded, once) in breaking us up, not because she wanted to be with him again but just because she did not want me to have him. She said that point blank in an e-mail to him over the summer. So it's not like I could forgive and forget and start having her over for dinner or something. She could never be part of OUR life together, only his in small ways.

 

Anyway, I know I have insecurities to work on, and basically it looks like I will either have to find a way to accept his friendship with her or we won't work out.

[Cobra_X30]

Anyway, I know I have insecurities to work on, and basically it looks like I will either have to find a way to accept his friendship with her or we won't work out.

 

Are you kidding? This guy would choose trading emails with her over you?

 

Thats crap! If that is truely the case you can do better than that.

 

Yes, maybe you have some issues... but so does he! I have an army of ex GF's and I dont contact any when I am dating someone! Why? Because I dont need to! It's disrespectful.

 

The fact that he needs this girls approval... that means he has issues too. Big ones!

[oppath]

I agree with Cobra. I can understand him wanting to be friends in the sense that he wants to be a good person, but YOU ARE NOT INSECURE.

 

Let me repeat.

 

YOU ARE NOT INSECURE.

 

It's ok to talk to some ex's and be friends, but when in a new relationship, they will be in the distance, or completely transparent to you. Since this woman broke the two of you up once -- and not because of your jealousy -- but because she was a manipulative psycho hose beat and your bf didn't take a stand for you -- there is no reason for him to be friends with her. She broke you two up. Clearly, she doesn't respect your relationship. Your boyfriend came back to you. You come first. You are not an insecure person for feeling uncomfortable and threatened in this situation. Your feelings are RATIONAL.

[norajane]

My past relationships are not great, honestly. I have some experiences in my past that have hurt my self-worth, and I've tried to work on that. My bf is aware of these things, too, which is one of the primary reasons I think he offered to go to couples counseling with me. He genuinely seems like he wants this to work, which I'm happy about and appreciative for, but again, I just don't understand why he can't put her in the past. You don't always stay best friends with everyone, ya know?

 

Go to counseling. Maybe an objective third party can get him to understand how he is jeopardizing your relationship, how this need of his to be friends with her is HIS need to be like and he is disrespecting you, your feelings, and your relationship by insisting on hanging on to the past. So what if she was there for him when he was sick? She tried to screw up his relationship with you, and he didn't stop her, so he's got an unhealthy attachment - she's not all good, she's acting in her best interests.

 

You may have insecurities, but this is a rational, logical reason to be upset!!

[stace79]

Thank you all for these responses. I think some of you are right in that the third party may help him see the problems here. I agree with most of what everyone says -- that if she was just another female friend it wouldn't be a big deal. But the fact that she broke us up once IS an issue. Thanks for the candidness and I will be sure to stick up for my feelings if need be.

[TryingToHeal3]

You don't have anything to fear. But now, you just have to ask yourself...can you be with someone that would like to be friends with his ex??? The answer for me and many other woman would be no. I mean I wonder how he would feel if you wanted to do that. Have you ever thought about that? But if you realize that it is something you can handle and you love him enough and he loves you. Just pretend that they are brother and sister talking or hanging out or what ever. Remove from your mind (as hard as this is) that they were at all intimately connected. I wish you the best.

[Spoonandfork22]

hey stace just thought id give you an update. i broke up wtih my boyfriend last night. couldnt deal with the ex anymore. worst part is he STILL doesnt think that she is meddling. she was talking smack about me, terrible things, and i told him what she said and it still didnt click that shes just a sucky person.

 

this really is the hardest thing ive done in awhile. i wanted to spend my life with this guy and now im at a crossroads. maybe in time him and i can date again but not until he realizes that some people are just poison and he needs to learn how to get rid of people like that.

 

i wish you luck still, i hope you can find a better solution that what i had to do.

[stace79]

I really appreciate your opinion. I believe you are right...either I can deal with this side of him that "needs" to stay friends with her or I can't. And I can either wait and learn if he really will stay true to me IF she starts her manipulation again, or I could move on now. He tells me conclusively that if she started talking badly about me, telling him that she misses/loves him again or anything of the sort, even if she doesn't say anything specifically but his feelings for her started coming back, that he would end their friendship immediately. So I guess we shall see. I think we are going to go to counseling for awhile anyway, just to give ourselves a good shot at working, because I do believe we both love each other a lot. That's one thing I am sure of.

 

You don't have anything to fear. But now, you just have to ask yourself...can you be with someone that would like to be friends with his ex??? The answer for me and many other woman would be no. I mean I wonder how he would feel if you wanted to do that. Have you ever thought about that? But if you realize that it is something you can handle and you love him enough and he loves you. Just pretend that they are brother and sister talking or hanging out or what ever. Remove from your mind (as hard as this is) that they were at all intimately connected. I wish you the best.

[stace79]

Very sorry for your situation. My bf and I broke up for about five months...from the day after Christmas (yeah how ****ty is that??) to about May 10. He wanted to "figure things out" with her, and just as I and everyone else told him, as soon as I was out of the picture, she got cold to him again. He claimed, however, that from the day he told her he wanted to figure things out with her that he started to miss me and realized I was the right person for him. He literally gave it about three weeks before he came back crying and begging me for another chance. Granted, I started dating again (nothing serious, just to keep my mind off him). So a break might be what you need.

 

His ex did the same your bf's ex did -- always talking badly about me, just being highly manipulative and shady. She was awful. I truly believe she is just a bad person...he thinks she is just a little selfish and immature but mostly a decent person. Anyway good luck to you. Feel free to share more if needed...I know how hard it is going through this.

 

hey stace just thought id give you an update. i broke up wtih my boyfriend last night. couldnt deal with the ex anymore. worst part is he STILL doesnt think that she is meddling. she was talking smack about me, terrible things, and i told him what she said and it still didnt click that shes just a sucky person.

 

this really is the hardest thing ive done in awhile. i wanted to spend my life with this guy and now im at a crossroads. maybe in time him and i can date again but not until he realizes that some people are just poison and he needs to learn how to get rid of people like that.

 

i wish you luck still, i hope you can find a better solution that what i had to do.

[Cobra_X30]

He literally gave it about three weeks before he came back crying and begging me for another chance. Granted, I started dating again (nothing serious, just to keep my mind off him). So a break might be what you need.

 

Stace,

 

Does it seem like he is choosing his ex over you? I mean this isnt just a one time thing... this seems pretty consistent.

 

You understand that he is going through a pretty typical rejection syndrome?

[mental_traveller]

If this "friendship" is just going to be a few emails every now and then, really what is the point? It seems insane for your boyfriend to choose a few emails (which is hardly a "friendship") and making you unhappy, versus no emails and eradicating the major problem in your relationship.

 

I think you are being way too passive here. Your boyfriend does not have the clarity or decisiveness to see his ex for what she is and tell her to get lost. So the only person who can do that now is you. That means you must take charge of the situation, do not even debate it with your boyfriend, just sit him down one evening and *tell* him that he is not to ever contact her again, or respond to her other than to say he can no longer speak to her. Do not let him question this, you just order him to do it, and make him promise to cut contact.

 

Odds are he will eventually agree, after some complaining. If he doesn't agree, then you must threaten to end the relationship (and be prepared to do so). This will force him to choose between you. I think it's highly unlikely your bf will end things rather than just stop the emails. You hold all the cards here. Time for an ultimatum, time to stop being a doormat, time to take charge and mould the situation into one that you want and will be happy with. End the misery - all you need to do is act!

[confuseddd]

HMMMMMMMMMM.......So he's worried about looking like a JERK to his ex???? Has he stopped to think that he is looking like JERK to the girl that he is WITH RIGHT NOW???

 

I would be pissed that he is more concerned about her feelings than MINE! God, men and their EGOS! Good luck and keep us posted.

[stace79]

I thought so, too, but she didn't reject him.

 

Stace,

 

Does it seem like he is choosing his ex over you? I mean this isnt just a one time thing... this seems pretty consistent.

 

You understand that he is going through a pretty typical rejection syndrome?

[Cobra_X30]

I thought so, too, but she didn't reject him.

 

Then why are they not together?

 

Why cant he move on? Why does he still care what she thinks and does?

[stace79]

He feels it's important to maintain a friendship with her. He had a serious illness during college when they were together. She was there for him and he feels he may not have made it through if she wasn't there as a friend and a gf.

 

I found out last night from him that she e-mailed him back finally. She said she is not ready to be friends, because it hurts her that he is living with me now. We got into a pretty huge disagreement over it, because I feel like she's just manipulating him yet again. He says it doesn't matter if she is, because he isn't falling for it. All he keeps saying is that he's living with me, he wants to be with me and that he loves me and not her. He asked me to go to counseling with him to see if we can work on this.

 

It's not really the e-mailing or being friends that bothers me per se. I guess it's that I wonder what he expects to come from that, because I will always have animosity toward her, I will never be comfortable with him seeing her again, and it's not like I'm going to have her over for dinner or be comfortable with her coming to our wedding or anything like that (assuming we stay together of course). I just don't know what the point is.

 

Another note: my bf has stayed friends with just about all the girls he dated in the past, which for the most part, I don't care about. Most of those relationships were pretty casual. And none of the girls seem to try to tempt him back or manipulate him. He talks to them occasionally through myspace or something, but that's about it.

[Cobra_X30]

Well the part that bothers me in particular is that he isnt willing to cut communication with her. He feels like he owes this girl something. Plus the fact that he tries to be friends with all his exe's... that sounds like a self esteem issue to me. Like he cant bear to have poeple not like him.

 

He is expecting the counselor to validate his feelings that your just bieng crazy jealous. Maybe the couselor will. However, your going to want to strategize your approach ahead of time. Make sure the counselor see's that your not crazy. Make absolute sure you point out that you dont have issues with the other exs.

 

Your BF has some issues he needs help with. He isnt going to believe you on it, so this is your chance to get the ball rolling for him!

[stace79]

I think you are right about the esteem thing. It has always seemed very important to him to maintain a "good guy" image, to my parents, to his friends, to my friends, his exes...pretty much everyone.

 

We are definitely going to see a counselor. I don't even think he feels he owes this girl anything. I just can't put my finger on what it is. It's like just a principle for him or something, that you stay friends with people you were close to. He doesn't get that it just doesn't work out that way sometimes. He did tell me, after showing me the email trail from the other day, that he is not going to communicate with the ex again. He said if she decided to try and be a true friend to him, without playing these games, that he would tell me if/when they started to email again. But he doesn't think that will happen.

 

Honestly, I don't know if it will either. I kind of feel like her last email was the last ditch ploy, because now that we live together she knows he isn't going to just break up with me b/c she is begging for another chance or something. I dunno...this girl is seven years younger than us and VERY immature. My bf told me once that he thinks he just outgrew her. WHo knows but I am sure I will be back for more advice once the counseling starts. It's always good to get this unbiased feedback.

 

Well the part that bothers me in particular is that he isnt willing to cut communication with her. He feels like he owes this girl something. Plus the fact that he tries to be friends with all his exe's... that sounds like a self esteem issue to me. Like he cant bear to have poeple not like him.

 

He is expecting the counselor to validate his feelings that your just bieng crazy jealous. Maybe the couselor will. However, your going to want to strategize your approach ahead of time. Make sure the counselor see's that your not crazy. Make absolute sure you point out that you dont have issues with the other exs.

 

Your BF has some issues he needs help with. He isnt going to believe you on it, so this is your chance to get the ball rolling for him!