Feeling a bit unsettled...

[shadowplay]

I'm finding it increasingly hard to stick to my resolution not to discuss my relationship on here out of concern my bf might be reading this forum. I miss getting feedback from intelligent people who are experienced in relationships because I don't have that support in real life. I don't have friends I can talk with about this (they're all guys). I need some girlfriends, but that's another story...

 

So I've decided I'll occasionally discuss things on here, but won't reveal anything really personal I would be uncomfortable with him reading. I'm 99% sure he doesn't read this, but there's that nagging one percent. (I asked him in a roundabout way if he had seen anything pertaining to me on the internet and he seemed genuinely confused.) And if he did read this and continued to read after he knew I was extremely uncomfortable with him doing that...he's not the kind of person I would trust or want to be with anyway.

 

There have been some recent developments I need to process so I thought I'd share. I visited him over the weekend and we had a fantastic time. He seemed especially close to me, and the last night we were together he blurted out "I think I love you." (We've been together a little over 3 months and that was the first time). I was elated for most of my visit but after I left, I started to have some doubts. No freak outs, just a few unsettling thoughts swimming around in my head.

 

So a few things...when guys say "I think I love you" is that kind of a weak/lukewarm "I love you" or a way of expressing ambivalence? Am I just reading too much into it? When I arrived home from my trip the following day he imed me and at the end of our conversation I told him I wanted to say "I love you" to him over im but I was scared. His response was "I love you. (Now you can)." I told him I loved him too.

 

Also I'm worried he just felt pressured into telling me he loved me because I sent him that email a week ago saying I was pretty sure I loved him "or I'm in the process of falling in love." What if he just blurted out the "I love you" out of obligation? FWIW, I never told him I loved him in person until he did.

 

I guess the main thing is now that we've reached this new level of intimacy I'm scared he's going to pull back. I have this sinking feeling that he'll get scared and grow distant. He's told me many times that he has this paranoia about falling in love and he's really cautious because of his history (mentally unstable mother, etc.). I could tell it took a lot of courage for him to tell me what he did over the weekend. He seemed to be gearing up to say it for awhile beforehand telling me how amazing it was to be with me, how crazy he was about me and all the traits he liked about me.

 

There's one thing in particular that's bugging me. Aside from this weekend when I made the trip, he's taken the 5 hour bus trip each weekend to visit me (we have the same hometown). I've never asked him to; he's done this of his own volition. But the last night I was there he expressed ambivalence about coming again this weekend. He said that he's thinking of coming down but not sure. He asked "do you want me to?" I said "of course." He said he still doesn't really understand the psyche of falling in love as he's generally driven by logic, so his natural assumption would be that I'd be tired of seeing him since we've spent the past four weekends together. He said it's like "wow, this girl actually wants to see me again that soon." When he said this my immediate worry was that he's projecting and he's the one growing tired of seeing me. Today I told him over im that he didn't have to come down if he didn't want to since he's in school and that I'll understand even though I'd love to see him. He said that he's still not sure...he may come down anyway since he has to pick up his car. He said he hasn't decided yet.

 

To me this seems like a sign that he's pulling back, but why? We were closer than ever this weekend, so I'm confused as to why he would suddenly pull back and not want to make the trip?

 

I feel pretty hurt but I didn't tell him.

 

The fact is I've NEVER been in a relationship where I love the guy and he loves me back. It's scary. Usually the guy loves me but I don't have the same feelings, so I feel more in control of the situation. I've also been in a situation where we loved each other but never at the same time. I loved him, he didn't love me, he loved me, i I didn't love him. I guess that's more infatuation than "love" anyway.

 

Right now I feel sort of vulnerable. I'm fighting the strong urge to pull back and not let myself love him.

 

Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Kamille]

aaahh you're so adorable Shadow! To answer one of your many questions: yes you do overanalyze! Here's a big hug ((Shadow)). Things with you and your bf are going great. Now let me explain why.

 

First off, the statement 'I think I love you' is a really really good indicator that well, he loves you. 'I think' followed by "I love you" is not meant to express ambiguity but vulnerability. He is falling for you, and it scares him. Not only that, he didn't know, until then, whether or not you loved him back and the I think was probably meant to deliver the news in a softer, less threatening way (for you).

 

Second, yes, he might be pulling away right now. But you know what? So what?! He needs time to recoop honey. Falling in love is something big in anyone's life - it is very scary. Let him take the time he needs and just remind yourself that HE LOVES YOU. You need to start believing and seeing that things are going great. This potential weekend apart and is the ideal chance for the two of you to regain just enough independance to gain more strenght as a couple. So that your relationship keeps being exciting. And this is what he meant when he said he was afraid you would grow tired of him.

 

Now for a bit of teasing which hopefully will drive the point home: He loves you. Your boyfriend loves you. The two of you are in love. Shadowplay is in love.

 

Shadowplay's boyfriend Shadowplay.

[shadowplay]

Kamille -- Thanks for your response. You're probably one of the sweetest people I've encountered on LS. I think you're right about him needing space to process stuff now that things are getting more intense. I probably need it too. I'll let you know how things develop. I'm feeling a mixture of excitement and fear, but I guess that's a natural response to falling in love.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

First off, the statement 'I think I love you' is a really really good indicator that well, he loves you. 'I think' followed by "I love you" is not meant to express ambiguity but vulnerability. He is falling for you, and it scares him.

 

What are you on?

 

1- The guy is full of hot air

2- The guy has to do some huge trip to go see her 8hr week

3- The guy is not even there (she's nice and smart but no cigar)

4- There are some sexual hang ups

5- She started with the "I love you" stuff

6- Guy says, I think I love you not to make her feel bad

7- Guy doesn't want to deal with the whole thing anymore

 

8- Next thing will be, if you want to see me sure, give me a call and see if I'll be home to come over.

 

My take anyway,

 

Ariadne

[shadowplay]

Hi,

 

First off, the statement 'I think I love you' is a really really good indicator that well, he loves you. 'I think' followed by "I love you" is not meant to express ambiguity but vulnerability. He is falling for you, and it scares him.

 

What are you on?

 

1- The guy is full of hot air

2- The guy has to do some huge trip to go see her 8hr week

3- The guy is not even there (she's nice and smart but no cigar) -- not there how?

4- There are some sexual hang ups -- what are you referring to?

5- She started with the "I love you" stuff

6- Guy says, I think I love you not to make her feel bad -- how do you know?

7- Guy doesn't want to deal with the whole thing anymore

 

8- Next thing will be, if you want to see me sure, give me a call and see if I'll be home to come over.

 

My take anyway,

 

Ariadne

 

Now I feel pretty terrible.

[Ariadne]

Hmmm........

 

Well, I may be wrong though.

 

Kamille thinks the opposite (?)

 

Ariadne

[shadowplay]

What are other people's takes?

 

Another thing I should add:

He told me he's never reached this level of intimacy he has with me with another person ever period, and perhaps that's a bit bizarre for someone his age (he's 23). (his words) He had one previous official gf before me and apparently was never as close to her even though they dated for longer. He said this is all new to him.

[Poboy]

"I think I love you." - this means he does love you but not sure if its REALLY loves you. something or things is still keeping him unsure. it could be himself as he is young and maybe inexperienced with this. it could be you also.

3 months is a really short time in a relationship so I love you in a such a short time indicates a strong attraction and closeness. is it really love is another thing.

 

the 2nd issue - "wow, this girl actually wants to see me again that soon." .

 

somewhere he is a bit amazed and surprised that you are so attached to him so soon. maybe he is questioning the pace you two are going at and is a bit hesitant of things and wants to stay grounded. its not a sign that he is pulling back but looks like want to ease the pace of the relationship.

sometimes things when they move so fast , it can be confusing & felt as pressure to keep things going at the pace and not have a period when we can actually relax and think of the relationship in the broader sense , future. maybe he wants to relax and take it easy.

 

give him some room and see how he reacts and plans out things i.e dates , meeting up etc.

[Kamille]

I reread the whole thread and I think I revise my position to somewhere between mine and Poboy's but I seriously don't think Ariadne fatalism is to be taken into consideration. I thought the whole e-mail exchanged happened after the "i think I love you".

 

You saying you are in the process of falling in love (is that the wording you used?) is not AKIN to saying I love you. The way I see it, it gave him the courage to express his feelings, albeit in a mild way.

 

Since the first few times you wrote about him, your own self-doubt have stood in the way of you assessing the situation somewhat objectively. He has been given you a lot of signals that he is right there with you... from reassuring you when you needed it (way back) to driving 5 hours 4 weekends in a row to see you, to the next little example:

 

I could tell it took a lot of courage for him to tell me what he did over the weekend. He seemed to be gearing up to say it for awhile beforehand telling me how amazing it was to be with me, how crazy he was about me and all the traits he liked about me.

 

Good relationships are about building something together as you get to know each other and it seems to me that this is what the two of you are doing. So I still think you're both on good grounds. And I kind of resent Ariadne post, which makes me feel like she was insinuating that he was some kind of jerko just pulling you along. He is not and he has proven it in many ways, wouldn't you agree?

 

Now, let him take the space and time he needs and take advantage of the weekend to treat yourself to some activities that you love doing on your own.

[shadowplay]

I reread the whole thread and I think I revise my position to somewhere between mine and Poboy's but I seriously don't think Ariadne fatalism is to be taken into consideration. I thought the whole e-mail exchanged happened after the "i think I love you".

 

You saying you are in the process of falling in love (is that the wording you used?) is not AKIN to saying I love you. The way I see it, it gave him the courage to express his feelings, albeit in a mild way.

 

Since the first few times you wrote about him, your own self-doubt have stood in the way of you assessing the situation somewhat objectively. He has been given you a lot of signals that he is right there with you... from reassuring you when you needed it (way back) to driving 5 hours 4 weekends in a row to see you, to the next little example:

 

 

 

Good relationships are about building something together as you get to know each other and it seems to me that this is what the two of you are doing. So I still think you're both on good grounds. And I kind of resent Ariadne post, which makes me feel like she was insinuating that he was some kind of jerko just pulling you along. He is not and he has proven it in many ways, wouldn't you agree?

 

Now, let him take the space and time he needs and take advantage of the weekend to treat yourself to some activities that you love doing on your own.

 

Thanks, I appreciate your input. As for the email exchange, my exact words were "I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm pretty sure I love you, or at least I'm in the process of falling in love with you. Whatever you want to call it I know I get a warm feeling inside when we're together and instantly happy when you're happy." In his email response he said he too shared my fear of "dropping the L Bomb" and several times when we've been together he's whispered "I love you" after I shut the door or when I was out of earshot but perhaps he should have been "more bold in our moments together."

 

Anyway, I spoke to him last night and mentioned that I got a slightly distant vibe from him. Maybe it was a bad idea to bring up, but whatever. He denied that it had anything to do with us and said he's feeling pretty depressed about being stranded in an unfamiliar city by himself without a job...and just generally worrying about his future. He said it's also hard to express affection over im because you can't hear the tone of voice. Then he said he was planning to come down to see me this weekend if I'd like. I said of course I would. And he said "Okay, done. I can't wait to see you." I told him I have some trouble trusting men and people in general so I'm a bit wary. He said he would do his best to win over my trust. Then he spent an hour making this animation thing for me on his computer. At the end of the hour he sent it to me. I opened it up and it was a moving graphic that spelled out "I love you." It was pretty cute. But now I'm worried he just feels pressured into coming down this weekend (even though I didn't do that directly). Should I tell him again he really doesn't have to?

[squeak]

But now I'm worried he just feels pressured into coming down this weekend (even though I didn't do that directly). Should I tell him again he really doesn't have to?

 

Why would you do that?? That would make things weird. And I don't see how you pressured him.

[Kamille]

Then he spent an hour making this animation thing for me on his computer. At the end of the hour he sent it to me. I opened it up and it was a moving graphic that spelled out "I love you."

 

That is so cute! Really that is such a sweet thing for him to do!

 

But now I'm worried he just feels pressured into coming down this weekend (even though I didn't do that directly). Should I tell him again he really doesn't have to

 

I agree with Squeak. Shadow, you need to start believing that he does want to be with you. He is a grown man and therefore he does things and says things because he wants to, not because his girlfriend pressured him into doing it.

 

You do realize that things are going great between the two of you, right?

[Replicant]

"I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm pretty sure I love you, or at least I'm in the process of falling in love with you.

 

People want certainty from hearing such words with meaning to them. Uncertainty just cheapens it. I cannot blame the dude for backing off and taking a look at some of these red flags in which you are presenting to him.

[squeak]

People want certainty from hearing such words with meaning to them. Uncertainty just cheapens it. I cannot blame the dude for backing off and taking a look at some of these red flags in which you are presenting to him.

 

Do men really analyze these things the way women do?

Somehow I can't see him reading too much into "I think" or "I'm in the process of.." statements in any way that he would back off!

 

Only women do that, right?

[oppath]

As a guy, when a woman says "I love you" in the first 6 months, I basically think "that means she really likes me and looks forward to where this is going." If a woman said "I think I might" or "I am in the process of " I take it to mean "I really like you and like where our relationship is going." For me personally, I can't say "I love you" until love is clearly distinguished from lust. This starts to happen, IMO, around the 3-6 month period. I take any "I love you" before we had a minor fight and have truly seen each others bad sides, to simply mean "I like you and am growing attached to you and I want it to continue."

[Oregon Blackberry]

That is so cute! Really that is such a sweet thing for him to do!

 

 

 

I agree with Squeak. Shadow, you need to start believing that he does want to be with you. He is a grown man and therefore he does things and says things because he wants to, not because his girlfriend pressured him into doing it.

 

You do realize that things are going great between the two of you, right?

 

I hate to disagree with you, Kamille, but you are not the one in the relationship. When someone has some instinct within them that something is "off," the instinct is almost always right. If shadowplay is not feeling that this guy is 100% into her, and the relationship, chances are she's probably right. When someone is posting insecurities like this, there is a very real subtext to it. While the relationship might sound "great" and "sweet" and "cute" on our side of a messageboard, the fact that shadowplay is getting some 'off' signals somewhere is something that needs to be paid attention to (by her.) When I have been in a completely happy relationship, I didn't have insecurities. However, when the relationship started feeling "off" and I started having "gut instincts" about the guy being "off" and "drifting off" or 'not as into me anymore,' that is when I was right. I am talking about a 4 year relationship here. Since shadowplay is having these insecurities, something is definitely not 100% kosher somewhere with the guy. I'm not saying he DOESN'T love her and ISN'T into her, but Shadowplay IS feeling something is "off" so to speak....he is not 100% as into it.

[squeak]

What should the next step be? She is struggling with it, picking it apart, looks a certain way if you tilt it, different if stared at straight on.

 

Is it something that talking to her bf about will help? Talking, digging?

Or taking a step back? Observing more? Doing less?

The feeling is there, I think she is struggling with the actual pinpoint solution.

 

What will make it go away?

[shadowplay]

As a guy, when a woman says "I love you" in the first 6 months, I basically think "that means she really likes me and looks forward to where this is going." If a woman said "I think I might" or "I am in the process of " I take it to mean "I really like you and like where our relationship is going." For me personally, I can't say "I love you" until love is clearly distinguished from lust. This starts to happen, IMO, around the 3-6 month period. I take any "I love you" before we had a minor fight and have truly seen each others bad sides, to simply mean "I like you and am growing attached to you and I want it to continue."

 

But what if you never fight? We've never had a fight and I could see that continuing for awhile. I think it's because neither of us is very confrontational.

[Replicant]

Do men really analyze these things the way women do?

Somehow I can't see him reading too much into "I think" or "I'm in the process of.." statements in any way that he would back off!

 

Only women do that, right?

 

Nah, not about analyzing them. Different people will say it when they feel they are emotionally ready. There is no set time limit, place etc... but all those "I think's and in the process of's" just sound straight up flaky. What's the point of ruining a such a good moment because one may not be ready to say it (or hear it in return)? (take your time then) instead of floundering over the whole idea because of previous emotional and psychological baggage preventing it...

 

Also, no not enough for him to completely back off but enough to sense various things are not right and start to begin to question the overall worth of an such an LDR.

[shadowplay]

Nah, not about analyzing them. Different people will say it when they feel they are emotionally ready. There is no set time limit, place etc... but all those "I think's and in the process of's" just sound straight up flaky. What's the point of ruining a such a good moment because one may not be ready to say it (or hear it in return)? (take your time then) instead of floundering over the whole idea because of previous emotional and psychological baggage preventing it...

 

Also, no not enough for him to completely back off but enough to sense various things are not right and start to begin to question the overall worth of an such an LDR.

 

But he said "I think" too!

[Timberlane]

I'm with Kamille. I think everything is fine. I remember my relationships when I was in my early 20s and they were fraught with a lot of entering new territory with intimacy, dealing with conflicts, you name it. I don't think anyone is fully sure what they are doing at that age. Like the guy said, this is the first time he has felt close to someone and that someone is you.

 

So relax a little and concentrate on keeping things fun. Stop obsessing about what everything means.

[Kamille]

I hate to disagree with you, Kamille, but you are not the one in the relationship. When someone has some instinct within them that something is "off," the instinct is almost always right. If shadowplay is not feeling that this guy is 100% into her, and the relationship, chances are she's probably right. When someone is posting insecurities like this, there is a very real subtext to it. While the relationship might sound "great" and "sweet" and "cute" on our side of a messageboard, the fact that shadowplay is getting some 'off' signals somewhere is something that needs to be paid attention to (by her.) When I have been in a completely happy relationship, I didn't have insecurities. However, when the relationship started feeling "off" and I started having "gut instincts" about the guy being "off" and "drifting off" or 'not as into me anymore,' that is when I was right. I am talking about a 4 year relationship here. Since shadowplay is having these insecurities, something is definitely not 100% kosher somewhere with the guy. I'm not saying he DOESN'T love her and ISN'T into her, but Shadowplay IS feeling something is "off" so to speak....he is not 100% as into it.

 

It's just that I get the impression that Shadowplay is a bit more insecure about the whole process of the beginning of a relationship then most people are. I feel that her many questions here, and the way she phrases the questions, testify to the fact that she doesn't trust her gut instincts and that she is actually ambivalent about what it is telling her. I'm trying to encourage her on focusing on the good signs so that she will relax into the relationship and let things run their course.

 

I think the biggest issue Shadow is facing is her own fears in going through the whole process.

 

In every post she always has a series of nice, sweet things he does followed by an over-analysis of the one thing that might show he is pulling back. This has been going since the first few posts she posted on this R. And yet he is still there, still offering to drive 5 hours to go see her, still calling or texting frequently, returning her feelings, reassuring her (on a previous occasion). I honestly think there is more good here then reasons to worry. I even believe that if she could relax a little bit and believe it, the whole relationship would get even stronger.

 

I think that for some reason she is having a hard time enjoying the R for what it is.

 

One last note. Loveshack is great in that it brings a bunch of perspectives, but I have noticed that people here have a tendency to overwhelmingly focus on the negative and base their advice on that (why else would we be giving advice). It's normal considering we are all most likely here because we are having some problem or other. If Shadow tells us that he is pulling away (which he did by saying he wasn't sure he was going to see her and then decided he wanted to go) then we believe her and prolong her fears.

 

Shadow, apart from that 'not sure I am going to come visit' comment, what else makes you feel he is pulling away?

[Krytie TV]

From the outside looking in, shadow, I would say that you are pretty much on track to drive any relationship you have into the ground before it has time to develop. We can sit here and analyze this statement he made, but if it wasn't that it would be something else.

 

You SERIOUSLY need to let this crap go. I don't see how this obsession of yours doesn't come out in your relationship, which I'm sure it does. In which case, you are fueling it to fail.

 

No one here knows crap about your relationship. Asking people to basically tell you how to interpret every facet of your relationship, if I may be blunt, is sick. I really think you might be ill, and should look into that. At the very least, take the responsibility to make your own decisions and don't let internet strangers interpret everything for you.

 

I'm scared for you.

[shadowplay]

No one here knows crap about your relationship. Asking people to basically tell you how to interpret every facet of your relationship, if I may be blunt, is sick. I really think you might be ill, and should look into that.

Why do I get the sense you're just taking pleasure out of being nasty half the time? I agree with you that I need to obsess less, but you don't have to be so mean-spirited about it. I'm already seeing a therapist. You're the one who seems to have a problem -- extreme bitterness/anger issues. Did some girl really hurt you?

[Oregon Blackberry]

Why do I get the sense you're just taking pleasure out of being nasty half the time? I agree with you that I need to obsess less, but you don't have to be so mean-spirited about it. I'm already seeing a therapist. You're the one who seems to have a problem -- extreme bitterness/anger issues. Did some girl really hurt you?

 

Yes, he is very much a hypocrite. He is very rude to female posters here. He is allowed to wax poetic about all his troubles with females and problems he has dating and forming relationships with women (and he has a lot of dating problems from how much he posts about this. Yes, his last girlfriend did dump his ass, btw. Still definitely some bitterness there that she came to her senses.) how he uses females for sex only just because he is bored, yet he blasts at people who post about their own romantic issues. He forgets that this is Loveshack, and it is a place to pose questions about relationships. don't hesitate to turn him in for his very rude and uncalled for posts! He needs to be banned. Seriously (as they say on Grey's.)