Sort of Relationship Related

[Guest]

I'm just looking to see if anyone has had a similar situation and how they deal with it. It has to do with my husband who was severely abused as a child, and how he is dealing with his mother now.

 

Emotionally & physicall abused. Zero self-esteem, zero-self confidence. He's going to therapy to help him, but this situation just happened yesterday & today.

 

He stopped seeing his mom when he was 14. She abandoned him to his cruel father. Husband actually suffered brain damage when he was small from the beating.

 

His father taught him to hate all women. He didn't see or have any contact with his mother for over 20 years.

 

Then he decides he needs some kind of closure so he sees her. He likes her second husband (Ray) and they have become close. He tolerates her just to be friends with his step father.

 

Yesterday he was supposed to meet Ray someplace. (They actually do some work together) My husband is having coffee because it's too early and his cell phone rings and it's his mother wanting to know where he is. He tells her and she gets all prissy and snooty and tells him that Ray can't go unless he comes over and picks him up. Husband is a little peeved about this because they never said anything about before and his mother just assumed it, but he goes and gets Ray anyway. After the seminar he takes Ray back to his house and his mother is there and they decide to go out for lunch, only this time Ray drives. They go to a Cost-Co for lunch and while they are there his mother treats him like a child and tells him not to wander off, etc. Then they decided they are going to do their weekly shopping. They don't ask my husband if he minds, or if he has plans, they just do the shopping and he's stuck there with them. Then they finally leave and go way out of the way to get some special coffee for his mother. She only wants coffee from a particular Starbucks.

 

Somewhere during this 3 hour period of time my name came up in the conversation and his mother began bashing me. She told him that my hair was too long, and I weighed too much, and I didn't do enough for him, and I relied on him too much, and I need to do something about getting my teeth whitened (they are okay, just a natrual dark color, but they are clean and not crooked), and I don't dress right, and on and on. My husband was seething when he got home and he was mostly mad at himself for not sticking up for me right then and there, and for not sticking up for himself either. My husband is in his 50's. But all those years of such horrid abuse have conditioned him so.

 

Well, he calmed down and called her today and told her that she upset him yesterday because of the way she totally disrespected him and bashed his wife. She immediately became defensive and denied bashing me and denied that she showed no respect to him, and said that he should have been grateful that they were taking him to lunch and putting up with him, and on and on. He finally hung up on her. Now he figures that it is all over between them forever. His step father is totally whipped and won't do anything.

 

I have never actually felt hatred for anyone except his parents. We have had nothing to do with his father in years and don't miss him at all. I am so sorry that my husband is losing contact with Ray. But I'm proud of him for finally speaking up to her. I know that it was particularly painful for him.

 

If there were not a statute on child abuse, I would go after both of his parents now. The doctors and therapists have told my husband that in today's world they would be in prison for what they have done to him. I didn't know how bad it was until long after we were married and began having problems. It has shadowed every aspect of his life, and mine.

 

My husband takes anti-depressents and a few weeks ago he tried to commit suicide. This was due to the Zoloft he was taking at that time. I was hurt a little bit at the time, that he reached out to his mother and called HER to reach out to, and not me. But I understand it and am over the hurt now.

 

I'm really worried about him and I'm heartbroken for him.

 

I guess maybe I just need a cyber-shoulder to cry on - I don't have anyone I can talk to.

[quankanne]

your MiL sounds like and evil bixth, and good for your husband for walking away from the garbage she deals out. I am curious, though -- how is she with you? From what I've observed, people of her ilk will single out someone to torment and bully, but present a "good" face before others. If she's that way with you, it might be interesting if you confronted her and told her in a "don't even THINK of messing with me" tone of voice that you don't appreciate the crap she deals out to her son. But, then again, you're better off just severing the connection with her, though it means your husband loses a good friend in his step-dad.

 

I'm glad you've trusted us to post here, I like coming here for a "recharge" just by reading some of the posts – wise or wacky – every day.

[zingy]

i feel just awful for your husband though, how painful his whole life has been.

 

i hope he gets some good counseling to deal with these issues as i am sure they still have an impact on him, obviously.

 

i just wanted to add to your cyber shoulder though i have no words of comfort, i can somewhat related to the pain he must feel.

 

take care and give him all the extra love you can find!

sounds like he needs it.

 

take care.