Wife Took My Bank Cards.

[ARDriver01]

Two days ago, my wife thought that I was hoarding money in my personal account.

 

I use my personal for spending on gas and food. I showed her my statements and I thought that would put her suspicions to bed, but she got up this morning before I did, and took my bank cards from me.

 

I found out when I tried to get breakfast this morning and had no money/totally embarassed. I'm really pissed. She doesn't work, I work all day and go to school at night. (Economics Major). Ha ha...

 

I have alot of mean things that I want to say to her. I want to yell at her. How should I go about handeling this when I talk to her in the next four hours?

[dropdeadlegs]

Are your finances tight in general? Does she think that you are spending TOO much on food? Gas can't really be negotiated. I'm trying to figure out what made her think she had the right to abscond with your cards.

 

I would be livid, but I have some money issues, and taking my debit card would be paramount to stealing from me. Even if the card wasn't used, it would be like taking hundreds out of my purse. Why would anyone else have the right to even "hold" my money?

 

Have your confrontation face to face and make it clear that this is NOT okay and it better not happen again.

[Moose]

Walk up to her, say, (not yell) "Give me my cards back now".....as calmly as you can while staring her dead in the eyes.....

 

If she doesn't, take them back from her.....if you think she'll put up a fight, go take her wallet out of her purse then ask her how it feels....

[ARDriver01]

Yeah... Our finances are in good shape. The only reason I used my personal account was so that I could keep 2-300 every pay period for food and gas without being hasseled for reciepts by her.

 

I let her be in charge of the checkbook because she's super frugal.

 

She always thinks we're about to be in debt when in reality, our joint account has more than enough, and it keeps growing every two weeks.

 

So I don't complain. I just wanted my seperate account so that I could spend without her stress getting in the way.

 

But now she's become suspicious of my account, and today she took both our joint and my personal card.

 

She has a weird alternate reality when it comes to money. Actually, she has a weird alternate reality in most things.

[whichwayisup]

Go to the bank, get yourself another bankcard and get the other one cancelled.

 

You two have some serious trust issues going on and the way she is handling this is very immature and child-like. If my husband did to me what your wife had done to you, I would be PISSED! You two are a couple, not mother and son.

 

Think about the rest of your relationship...Maybe its' time to head to marriage counselling and learn how to BE a couple together, respect eachother and love one another, instead of dealing with the crap that's going on now.

[Cobra_X30]

Yeah... Our finances are in good shape. The only reason I used my personal account was so that I could keep 2-300 every pay period for food and gas without being hasseled for reciepts by her.

 

I let her be in charge of the checkbook because she's super frugal.

 

She always thinks we're about to be in debt when in reality, our joint account has more than enough, and it keeps growing every two weeks.

 

So I don't complain. I just wanted my seperate account so that I could spend without her stress getting in the way.

 

But now she's become suspicious of my account, and today she took both our joint and my personal card.

 

She has a weird alternate reality when it comes to money. Actually, she has a weird alternate reality in most things.

 

Be calm. Ask her why. Make her answer. Understand her concerns, let her know that it is something she does not need to worry about.

 

Make sure that she took them on purpose, before you get too fired up!

[Art_Critic]

You keep saying took away...

 

Go get them back.. or order new ones..

 

I would be furious if my wife decided that I didn't need the plastic in my pocket for whatever reason.

 

How would your wife have reacted if you went into her purse and took all of her plastic ?.. bet she would be pissed off and you would be in the dog house for being abusive and controlling.. Well ?

 

Her move was passive aggressive and not a good sign on how to handle discussions over money.

 

I say you discuss with her about the way she went about this action and discuss why and what were her reasons.. She may very well have good reasons..If she doesn't then ask for the cards back...

[Kasan]

She has a weird alternate reality when it comes to money. Actually, she has a weird alternate reality in most things.

 

Is this another symptom of her BPD manifesting itself? How are you doing with this? It has been awhile since you last posted.

[DazedandConfused66]

You have every right to feel violated. I don't know your exact situation, but this type of "intervention" was a poor choice on her part at the least.

 

However, I believe strongly that you must be CALM and IN CONTROL when you address this with her. It's a piece of plastic and you were inconvenienced. That's ALL that happened thus far. She violated your trust, sure. She was childish about it, absolutely. She was wrong in doing it, likely but not sure of your history in this matter. It's not like she pointed a gun at your head and threatened your life. Lets keep that in perspective, please.

 

So if I were you, I'd address this her face to face AFTER you are certain you are calm. I'd tell her, point blank, what happened (be factual) when you tried to pay for food and couldn't. I'd ask her, point blank, why she felt justified in doing this to you as she clearly did or she wouldn't have. Remember, she has a reason for doing it, even if you believe it's wrong it's her justification and rationale. THAT is what you are attempting to talk about...her rationale for doing this, the root causes for it. The taking of your card was a symptom....you want to discuss the root causes.

 

She could have any number of rationalizations for her actions...they may or may not be valid, but you HAVE to get her to talk about them or you won't get to the root of this. Bullying her, threatening her, forcing her....that's not communicating...that's forcing a fight you don't need to have right now. You want answers, you deserve answers, and you can get them if you don't become childish like she's apparently behaving.

 

Hopefully, your calm and reasonable approach will allow the two of you to talk about this like grown adults and you can get your card back.

 

If it escalates and you can't discuss this in a sane and rational fashion, then you've got some pragmatic things to do next.

 

1) Call your bank, report your card as lost...not stolen. IMMEDIATELY. If she's intent on keeping you from money, and there isn't a valid reason for this (eg; you've got a gambling problem or something like that), you two will have to live on scraps for the day or two it takes to get a new one. You don't want to end up signing affidavits against your wife and prosecuting her. Arrange to pick the card up YOURSELF and not have it shipped to your home if possible...or you'll be in this again. Don't keep that one in your wallet.

2) Skip breakfast out for a few days...eat some oatmeal or something that doesn't require spending money at a restaurant. Then, take that money and go find an inexpensive family counseling provider. Some churches offer highly discounted professionals as an "outreach" service, and you only need to make a donation. Because if you can't talk about this, you guys need help.

 

Good luck....

[woodsfield]

Go to the bank, get yourself another bankcard and get the other one cancelled.

 

You two have some serious trust issues going on and the way she is handling this is very immature and child-like. If my husband did to me what your wife had done to you, I would be PISSED! You two are a couple, not mother and son.

 

Think about the rest of your relationship...Maybe its' time to head to marriage counselling and learn how to BE a couple together, respect eachother and love one another, instead of dealing with the crap that's going on now.

 

could not have said it better myself.

 

she needs to grow up and trust a little bit.

[nittygritty]

Is there a reason why your wife doesn't work? Does she take care of kids or go to school or something?

 

If there is only one source of income being earned for your family to live on, why is it necessary for you to have a seperate personal account?

 

Was there an agreement about how money would be handled if your wife didn't work?

 

Is there more info you can provide, like how long have the two of you been married? Did she work prior to marriage? Does she have a seperate personal account or any income at all coming in?

[JamesM]

Truthfully, this has very little to do with the stolen bankcards.

 

Why does she treat you like an employee or servant? Why is SHE in charge? Why did YOU let her treat you as a child?

 

Why do you feel the need to have a second bank account? I can see having your own cash lying around, but why do you need a bank account to which she has no access?

 

Here is a big red flag in your marriage.....

 

I let her be in charge of the checkbook because she's super frugal

 

This says a couple of things. First, you feel or don't have good control of your finances. You spend more than you should. And this lack of control on your part may be the reason why she "took" your card. Her frugality may be in contrast to your over spending.

 

Second, you "gave up" control over finances. This means that you also gave up responsibility for your finances. As Dave Ramsey (go to DaveRamsey.com for great financial advice) would say, the minister did not proclaim you a joint verture, he pronounced you man and wife. This means that your finances are both of your responsibility. Do you know how much money you have? Do the two of you sit down and talk about where the money is going? And above all, why do you need a personal account?

 

As was already said, you have bigger problems than money, but it is also well known that one of the biggest reason that divorce occurs is financial differences. I suggest that the two of you get MC if you cannot solve this in an adult manner.

[Kasan]

I am not trying to cause a problem here but I remember you from your earlier posts--

 

You came to the board in May.....you stated back then that your wife was crazy.

 

"My wife has BPD (Boarderline Personallity Dissorder). As a very young child, she was neglected, abused and exposed to VERY BAD adult behavior. She has a very weak sense of right and wrong. Socially retarded and doped up on all kinds of meds to at very least make her tollerable. She's 24 and has yet to develope any sense of maturity. The greatest and most enlightening clinical and family advise a person could recieve goes right over her head. She'll find things to argue about, and frequently has fits of rage. Overly sensitive and very, very manipulative."

 

I have taken this quote from an earlier post of yours....it seems to me that taking your credit cards is pretty much to be expected with her medical problems.

 

In June you posted that you were thinking of leaving her so I am guessing that things are better for you on some level as you are still with her.

 

So my question to you is how are you doing? How is your depression? Has there been any progress on your wife's health? Have things been better for the both of you or is this just a bump in the road?

[Mustang Sally]

Aha!

Thanks for that reminder, Kasan.

 

I was thinking there was more to this scenario than initially met the eye....

[DazedandConfused66]

Well with that additional bit of information....ignore pretty much everything I tried to contribute. I didn't realize you were dealing with someone with psychological issues.

 

Is she in therapy? If so, perhaps you can discuss this with her therapist present at the same time?

[Lizzie60]

Yeah... Our finances are in good shape. The only reason I used my personal account was so that I could keep 2-300 every pay period for food and gas without being hasseled for reciepts by her.

 

I let her be in charge of the checkbook because she's super frugal.

 

She always thinks we're about to be in debt when in reality, our joint account has more than enough, and it keeps growing every two weeks.

 

So I don't complain. I just wanted my seperate account so that I could spend without her stress getting in the way.

 

But now she's become suspicious of my account, and today she took both our joint and my personal card.

 

She has a weird alternate reality when it comes to money. Actually, she has a weird alternate reality in most things.

 

Methink she has a good reason to be suspicious.. plus if she is in charge of the finances... I don't see why she can't have the cards to check things up.

 

When a woman is not in the workforce, does that make her totally outside the finance aspects? She is just as entitled to see what's going on as you would if it was the other way around...

 

I honestly see no big deal. Just let her satisfy her curiosity.. simple.

[nittygritty]

Yeah... Our finances are in good shape. The only reason I used my personal account was so that I could keep 2-300 every pay period for food and gas without being hasseled for reciepts by her.

 

I let her be in charge of the checkbook because she's super frugal.

 

She always thinks we're about to be in debt when in reality, our joint account has more than enough, and it keeps growing every two weeks.

 

So I don't complain. I just wanted my seperate account so that I could spend without her stress getting in the way.

 

But now she's become suspicious of my account, and today she took both our joint and my personal card.

 

She has a weird alternate reality when it comes to money. Actually, she has a weird alternate reality in most things.

 

 

Having a possible $600.00 each month for your own personal use might make a big difference if the monthly budget doesn't allow that luxery.

 

Your wife being frugal may help make ends meet but is it really fair for you to keep $200-$300 out of each check for your own personal use without total consideration of ALL monthly household needs and expenses?

 

Is it possible that your wife took your personal and joint bank cards because your overspending out of both accounts? Both of you need to be aware of all monthly expenses and income to make a monthly budget. Putting money in a joint savings account each month is important as well.

 

Excluding $600.00 for your own personal use and you having access to both accounts and her not, might be considered "crazy making behavior" if your unaware that your overspending and she is. If she has a mental condition the financial situation that you have created might cause her to have a negative reaction or episode.

 

I think the two of you need to sit down calmly and discuss openly and honestly the family finances.

[dropdeadlegs]

When I was married and we were both operating out of one account, I remember doing some "hassling about the receipts" because I keep impeccable records and at times money was tight. I am a fan of separate and joint accounts at the same time because of this. Especially when both parties contribute financially. See, I don't identify with the need for yet another golf club or fishing pole, and most men don't see the need for yet another pair of shoes or new lamps for the living room. Having separate spending money that each can use at their discretion makes discussing those type of purchases unnecessary and that can avoid financial arguments.

 

The amount of that separate spending money is dependent on putting X dollars into the household checking account and X dollars into a savings account for future goals/needs. I never had the luxury of keeping $300 for myself every two weeks, but I assume that your finances allow for that amount.

 

I still think that the way your wife handled this situation, regardless of her reasons being justified or not (which is probably a matter of opinion,) was not the way to go. It was like treating you as if you are a child. If she wants total financial control, maybe she should get some earnings of her own.

 

I'm not even going into the BPD. You didn't mention it as a factor, so I won't either, even if it may be.

 

I do agree that getting to the root of the issue is necessary, whether it is justifiable to you or not, so as to avoid this kind of problem in the future. the cards ARE a symptom of something much bigger.

[Kazan]

her behavior is absolutely unacceptable and is infact a big red flag to me about her being a control freak.

 

Order her to immediately return your cards

[Mr. Lucky]

When I was married and we were both operating out of one account, I remember doing some "hassling about the receipts" because I keep impeccable records and at times money was tight. I am a fan of separate and joint accounts at the same time because of this. Especially when both parties contribute financially. See, I don't identify with the need for yet another golf club or fishing pole, and most men don't see the need for yet another pair of shoes or new lamps for the living room. Having separate spending money that each can use at their discretion makes discussing those type of purchases unnecessary and that can avoid financial arguments.

My wife and I also use the system you describe with great success. She's a teacher and spends an ungodly amount on classroom supplies. I'm a gadget freak and have to have the latest toy. Having our own mad money avoids the arguements you describe .

 

As soon as I read the first post, I knew that her taking the cards was not the opening volley in this fight. What discussion has the OP had about finances with his wife previous to this event?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Art_Critic]

her behavior is absolutely unacceptable and is infact a big red flag to me about her being a control freak.

 

Order her to immediately return your cards

 

These 2 statements contradict each other...

 

Ordering her to return the cards would in itself show a control freak behavior.

Would you order your wife to do anything ?

[ARDriver01]

Well, I got my card back no problem. She freaked out about our finances and didn't know what she was doing. I forgave her and it's all good. I'm still going to keep my account. It helps to avoid arguments about spending. She knows that she can ask me for statements anytime, so that's cool.

 

I don't spend too much money. I keep very good track of all our accounts and I'll get even better when I take accounting next quarter.

 

She actually has an unrealistic figure in our register for our joint account. She thinks its really low when in actuallity, its very high, and it grow by about 20% every 14 days.

 

Hey... I don't complain. I think she's doubling up bills and checks.

 

You know how you'll get your phone bill, and you'll pay it, mail it, and it arrives at the firm a day late, and they bill you again for two months...

 

I think this has been happening for about a year, and sometimes you get two reciepts for one transaction; I think she puts in the register twice once and a while.

 

I tried to tell her about the known mistakes after going through a very long and complicated online banking session, but much like her other obsessions ( please don't ask, just assume ), she will not listen.

 

Her registered balance is the real balance in her mind and there is no way of explaining it to her. That register has become HERS. And anyone that understands OCD knows what I mean by HERS. All obsessions are very, VERY personallized. So... Whatever. At least we're making money, right.

 

Thank you all very much for your increadible insight and your time. I love you all and appreciate your help. Thank you so much.

[Lizzie60]

Well, I got my card back no problem. She freaked out about our finances and didn't know what she was doing. I forgave her and it's all good. I'm still going to keep my account. It helps to avoid arguments about spending. She knows that she can ask me for statements anytime, so that's cool.

 

I don't spend too much money. I keep very good track of all our accounts and I'll get even better when I take accounting next quarter.

 

She actually has an unrealistic figure in our register for our joint account. She thinks its really low when in actuallity, its very high, and it grow by about 20% every 14 days.

 

Hey... I don't complain. I think she's doubling up bills and checks.

 

You know how you'll get your phone bill, and you'll pay it, mail it, and it arrives at the firm a day late, and they bill you again for two months...

 

I think this has been happening for about a year, and sometimes you get two reciepts for one transaction; I think she puts in the register twice once and a while.

 

I tried to tell her about the known mistakes after going through a very long and complicated online banking session, but much like her other obsessions ( please don't ask, just assume ), she will not listen.

 

Her registered balance is the real balance in her mind and there is no way of explaining it to her. That register has become HERS. And anyone that understands OCD knows what I mean by HERS. All obsessions are very, VERY personallized. So... Whatever. At least we're making money, right.

 

Thank you all very much for your increadible insight and your time. I love you all and appreciate your help. Thank you so much.

 

You were sooo freakin pissed when you posted (you had lots of mean things to say to her... you wanted to yell to her)... geeezzz

 

Do you have an habit of freaking out like that...

 

Now this.. (see bold text) Maybe... next time... you should just wait and see ... you know she has this problem.. so I suppose one would know how to handle their spouse with ADD... no need to make so much drama... hey... at least you're making money... right! Just relax and breathe next time!

[Moose]

You were sooo freakin pissed when you posted (you had lots of mean things to say to her... you wanted to yell to her)... geeezzz

 

Do you have an habit of freaking out like that...

Excuse me???!!!

 

I would've been LIVID myself! Knowing me, I would've responded quickly while still in my anger too.......I think he handled this issue QUITE well.......

[JamesM]

I still think there is a problem....when do YOU plan on being a part of the family finances?