I broke the news...updates

[kchiapet95]

like I said I know the situation is totally different but I'm sure you see my point. you can do this and once it's out it out and she will have to choose for bad or good you know what I mean?

 

I do. I know what you mean. I hope she comes around, I really do. I feel like a child, not like a 24 year old, afraid to tell my mom the truth.

[liddie]

You won't know how she will react till you give her the chance to react. IMO let her know and then give her time to digest.

[marlena]

As much as I would like to believe that about my mom, sometimes I'm not sure. A woman in my former congregation had a grandson, and she would bring him to religious meetings with her. My mom said, "I don't know why she bothers, since that child is just going to get destroyed at Armageddon along with its wicked parents."

Do you see why I worry?

 

Well, this does complicate things for you at a time when more than anything you need to be calm. My advice would be to tell her and let all hell break loose if it must. Sitting and worrying about it will only rev up your anguish and break down your determination to get through this. So, in my opinion it is best to get it over and done with it, whatever her reaction may be.

 

Then, we can take it from there! We'll see!

 

 

[Kasan]

I do. I know what you mean. I hope she comes around, I really do. I feel like a child, not like a 24 year old, afraid to tell my mom the truth.

 

Glad to hear that things are stable with you and the baby right now.

 

I think you better plan on finding your support system outside your family especially with your background.

 

I shudder to think what will happen when the church finds out--you know that you will be disfellowshipped right?

 

I told you about my brother-in law's experience--do you think that your mother will shun you?

 

Personally I wouldn't say anything until I started to show--you simply don't need this stress right now.

 

Good luck to you!!!

[kchiapet95]

I'm not sure I'll be disfellowshipped. It's possible, but I haven't been a practicing Witness for years, so they don't expect me to be following all the rules. They know they are lucky I've attended the handful of meetings I have gone to. I do not think they would throw me out. My mom would just be embarrassed and ashamed of me, and the pressure would increase for me to return to the fold, for my sake and the baby's.

 

I think I should wait to tell her until I've passed the 1st trimester. Maybe even 4-5 months, depending on when I start to show.

[liddie]

It is amazing how certain religions can make a person almost afraid to live their own life.

 

You do what you believe is right for both you and your baby.

[kchiapet95]

I can only do the best I can do. If I get disfellowshipped (excommunicated), I will be my mom's second child to do so. I've already been privately reproved, interrogated by the elders (this is all spiritual discipline unique to the JWs), years ago. I already told them I would never submit to another interrogation...they made me feel like a whore for losing my virginity. They actually said I was a whore, they read a scripture about a prostitute and compared me to her. It was VERY encouraging.

 

I could never raise my child that way, after all I went through there, which is another thing that scares me...my mom really believes my life is at stake and she would probably try to get me to go to meetings, or instill JW teaching in my child. I remember crying as a child because I was convinced my father was going to die at Armageddon because he wasn't a Witness. I remember knowing I would never go to college, because I was spending my life preaching on the streets in service to God. I remember constantly being aware of God's day approaching, and not being able to enjoy my childhood because of the seriousness of it all. I can't put my baby through that.

[Kasan]

I can only do the best I can do. If I get disfellowshipped (excommunicated), I will be my mom's second child to do so. I've already been privately reproved, interrogated by the elders (this is all spiritual discipline unique to the JWs), years ago. I already told them I would never submit to another interrogation...they made me feel like a whore for losing my virginity. They actually said I was a whore, they read a scripture about a prostitute and compared me to her. It was VERY encouraging.

 

I could never raise my child that way, after all I went through there, which is another thing that scares me...my mom really believes my life is at stake and she would probably try to get me to go to meetings, or instill JW teaching in my child. I remember crying as a child because I was convinced my father was going to die at Armageddon because he wasn't a Witness. I remember knowing I would never go to college, because I was spending my life preaching on the streets in service to God. I remember constantly being aware of God's day approaching, and not being able to enjoy my childhood because of the seriousness of it all. I can't put my baby through that.

 

As I wrote to earlier, my husband's grandparents were the chosen, so I got a subscription to the Watchtower as a wedding gift. Of course they wouldn't come to the wedding if it was in a church, well you know what I am talking about. Before his grandparents died, they were talking about taking the kids to meeting. Luckily, it never came to that.

 

My husband left when he was 16 because of all the restrictions and hasn't looked back and has never felt any remorse.

 

I do feel for you--you are at a vulnerable time in your life right now and we always want our mothers to share in this with us.

 

You will get through this as hard as it may be, because you now have someone else to be strong and look out for.

 

Start getting your support system together and making plans....and remember, you also have us here at LS.

[SoxPrincess]

After reading your first few posts, my inclination was to tell you to speak to your Mom ASAP and tell her of the pregnancy; afterall, you DO need the support. However, after reading further and hearing her reactions to other situations and the whole interrogation thing you went through..I absolutely think it's best that you wait awhile longer. Your health & the health of your baby is of the utmost importance and if you tell your Mom and she does freak out, it will lead to entirely to much stress for you; especially considering you haven't been feeling well anyway.

 

I'm the oldest of 3 girls and I got pregnant with my oldest daughter when I was 20, unmarried and in the Army. Obviously our situations are different because I wasn't seeing a MM at the time, but I was still very nervous to tell my Mom. I waited 5 months to tell her & she was very hurt that I waited so long and ended up being very supportive of me. Of course, there are other factors in play with your Mom & religion but my point was, you aren't alone in being afraid to tell your Mom and your family. Before you decide to tell your Mom (and other family members) I would really prepare yourself for what could happen and think about what you'll say to her when you tell her. Basically, just know what you are going to say in your mind that way if she does go off the deep end, you won't lose focus on what you want to say and won't come across as juvenile or unprepared.

 

As a first time Mom, I suggest going to the library (or purchasing) the book "What To Expect When Expecting". It's a FABULOUS source for first time Moms; it answers every question in the planet and is very reassuring May I also suggest doing some research and seeing if there are some single parent support groups in your area? Maybe even a social group for pregnant women where you would be able to meet & socialize with other women thus forming your own support system.

 

I wish you lots & lots of luck sweetie and we're all here for you! (((Hugs)))

 

PS: I have two daughters (10 & 6) so if you ever have any questions about pregnancy or anything related to babies, please feel free to PM me

[kchiapet95]

Oh, i didn't even THINK about that book...what an excellent idea. Thank you so much for your supportive post. Thank you. I can't say it enough.

 

Suddenly I am wiped out...I guess that's par for the course, huh?

[PoshPrincess]

Take this from another single Mom...if love and affection is all you can give your baby, then that baby is the luckiest in the world!

 

I agree! I went back to work when my ex and I split up so that I could support my son but because of childcare difficulties I packed up. My son doesn't have as much materially as he could have done but I have lots of time to spend with him and I know that even at his young age he appreciates that a lot more!

[Impudent Oyster]

Take this from another single Mom...if love and affection is all you can give your baby, then that baby is the luckiest in the world!

 

Well that's a sweet sentiment, but babies grow into children and both need a lot more than love and affection in the real world.

 

Children need fathers, is the MM going to be one? (I mean a real father, not just a sperm donor and cash machine).

 

What did he mean when he said he would support you? Is he going to tell his wife and kids that he's expecting a child with you? Will he share custody? Is he leaving his marriage?

[greengoddess]

If he is going to support you he needs to be with you at the hospital at the doctors appointments and all. You need him now. He needs to tell his wife now. This is not fair to you tobe doing this alone.

[liddie]

Well that's a sweet sentiment, but babies grow into children and both need a lot more than love and affection in the real world.

 

Children need fathers, is the MM going to be one? (I mean a real father, not just a sperm donor and cash machine).

 

What did he mean when he said he would support you? Is he going to tell his wife and kids that he's expecting a child with you? Will he share custody? Is he leaving his marriage?

 

IO - My daughter is growing up without a DAD she has a FATHER...big...huge difference. All children need are postive influences in their life. My daughter has my father and brother has her positive male influences.

[Impudent Oyster]

That's a good thing Liddie, it's wonderful that your daughter has a strong father figure in her life. I hope kchia can say the same.

 

I don't know that her father will be as supportive, and as far as MM goes, unless he divorces his wife and abandons the children he had legitimately, I wouldn't count on him being there for kchia, despite what he said to her. It would behoove him to stay on her good side right now, maybe he's just trying to keep her quiet so she'll keep his secret.

[marlena]

My husband and I divorced when my daughter was four. He remarried and started a new family. He was not a constant factor in our lives. She would see him far and few times in between. She was surrounded by the love and care of many people around her...her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins from both sides of the family. One thing her teachers would always comment upon was her vivacious and cheerful personality and of course her academic excellence. Today she is young lady of 23, a lawyer and in a very happy and healthy relationship with a young man.

 

Yes, it does just take a lot of loving and caring! And of course, a stable and drama -f ree environment! To that end, I never caused any strife with my ex. I never asked for anything at all. Not money, not time, not anything. I just told her to love her dad and respect him. Which she did. Today, the have a wonderful realtionship.

 

What's important is that Kchia remain as a serene as possible for her own and her baby's sake. The rest she can deal with later.

 

By the way, IO, I know a lot of children who had a live in daddy and are very, very unhappy and disturbed young adults.

 

I fiercely stand by my position that all is needed is a healthy, stable and happy environment.. one where the child feels secure and loved.

 

Kchia,

I hope you are doing better today.

 

One step at a time. Do not get overwhelmed by your situation! You'll work things out. What's important right now is your and your baby's physical and emotional health. You can do it!

[Impudent Oyster]

I'm thrilled that, despite the odds, you were able to successfully raise your child Marlena, but do you really think it's wise to minimize the obstacles and struggles Kchia faces as a single, uneducated, financially unstable mom with no family support and a married boyfriend by telling her that all she needs is love? If only it were that easy, it's going to take a LOT more than love. It takes food, and clothing, and childcare, and education. Who's going to provide that?

 

It's hard enough to successfully raise a child in a home with 2 loving parents who are financially stable, you make it sound like it's going to be a breeze. Sorry but it's not "just love and caring" to sufficently raise a child.

 

And it's a little tiring to have people constantly discounting the role of a father in a childs life, sure there are exceptions but statistics prove that children fare better with a mother AND a father.

 

Get real, you aren't doing her any favors.

[Kasan]

I'm thrilled that, despite the odds, you were able to successfully raise your child Marlena, but do you really think it's wise to minimize the obstacles and struggles Kchia faces as a single, uneducated, financially unstable mom with no family support and a married boyfriend by telling her that all she needs is love? If only it were that easy, it's going to take a LOT more than love. It takes food, and clothing, and childcare, and education. Who's going to provide that?

 

It's hard enough to successfully raise a child in a home with 2 loving parents who are financially stable, you make it sound like it's going to be a breeze. Sorry but it's not "just love and caring" to sufficently raise a child.

 

And it's a little tiring to have people constantly discounting the role of a father in a childs life, sure there are exceptions but statistics prove that children fare better with a mother AND a father.

 

Get real, you aren't doing her any favors.

 

In a perfect world we would all have two parents....The baby is coming whether there is a daddy in the picture or not. The OP states that the father wants to be involved--will he, maybe, maybe not.

 

The baby is coming--whether or not we approve or disprove--the OP has reached out to the LS community--she has gotten a lot of support which she desperately needs right now.

 

We all know that when we have children we do what we gotta do. The OP will do the same I am sure.

[Impudent Oyster]

....The baby is coming whether there is a daddy in the picture or not. The OP states that the father wants to be involved--will he, maybe, maybe not.

 

The baby is coming--whether or not we approve or disprove--.

 

Well maybe if she got some real, practical advice rather than people blowing smoke up her butt with nonsense like "All you need is love", she might make wiser choices.

 

When that baby has been screaming for 4 hours straight and kchia has no one to turn to and she's sick of eating Mac-n-Cheese, I wonder how hollow those words of "support" will seem?

[TogetherForever]

Well maybe if she got some real, practical advice rather than people blowing smoke up her butt with nonsense like "All you need is love", she might make wiser choices.

 

When that baby has been screaming for 4 hours straight and kchia has no one to turn to and she's sick of eating Mac-n-Cheese, I wonder how hollow those words of "support" will seem?

 

 

I'd like to know what that "Practical Advice" would be & I'm sure the OP would like to know as well???

[marlena]

And it's a little tiring to have people constantly discounting the role of a father in a childs life, sure there are exceptions but statistics prove that children fare better with a mother AND a father.

 

 

 

I. O.

 

I would be the last one to discount the important role of a father in a child's life. I am well aware of a child's need to have healthy role models in life.. and a good father is crucial and of paramount importance. A good father ..one who indeed provides a positive role model, one who can nuture and care for his child in a warm, loving environment.

 

However, this isn't always the case. There are a lot of bad fathers and mothers out there and horrible marriages too. I don't believe staying in a dysfunctional/abusive marriage is the right thing to do especially where children are involved . I mean what woman in her right mind would stay with, for instance, a child molester, an alcoholic, a wife beater, an abusive spouse just so that the children "have a father?" We owe it to our children to protect them from such people. Being brought up in a hostile environment where the two parents are constantly at odds with eachother is not conducive to good child reading IMO.

 

Sometimes it's just a case of choosing between the lesser of two evils, let's say.

 

As for Kchia, well, she did admittedly get herself into a fine mess. But it's too late for that now. What's done is done. What's important now is her health and the baby's.

I don't think she should expect anything from MM. I think she should remove him from her life altogether! Sadly, yes, it will be the child who will pay for two adults' bad choices and irresponsible actions.

 

What needs to be done is to lessen the brunt of that pain for that child as much as possible. It's not going to be easy but it can be done!!! She needs support and encouragement right now.

 

This is how I see it.

[Impudent Oyster]

Sure, I don't think she should have this child. Surely anyone who doesn't consider it immoral to sleep with a MM can't consider terminating an unwanted pregnancy to be immoral, that would be beyond hypocritical.

 

There is no such thing as morality of convenience.

[marlena]

No, it won't be easy. Far from it. I should know. She will have to be strong and determined. She will have to work to support herself and her child. I'm sure she can find a job that will provide her with a comfortable enough life style even if it does mean eating macaroni and cheese three days in a row. From what I know, she is a young, physically healthy woman so there is no reason she shouldn't work.

 

The really sad part is that she can not count on her mother for help and support. Hopefully, others will have enough compassion to help her through this tough period of her life.. It in this spirit, that we all give her our support.

[liddie]

Sure, I don't think she should have this child. Surely anyone who doesn't consider it immoral to sleep with a MM can't consider terminating an unwanted pregnancy to be immoral, that would be beyond hypocritical.

 

There is no such thing as morality of convenience.

 

IO - Can I ask you a question, and forgive me if you already said, do you have kids?

[Kasan]

Well maybe if she got some real, practical advice rather than people blowing smoke up her butt with nonsense like "All you need is love", she might make wiser choices.

 

When that baby has been screaming for 4 hours straight and kchia has no one to turn to and she's sick of eating Mac-n-Cheese, I wonder how hollow those words of "support" will seem?

 

I think that you are being a bit insulting to the OP--none of us knew what it was like to have a baby until we had one.

 

Of course we can supply infinite wisdom looking back at the experience--but we first had to gain the experience.

 

She will gain her experience like us, make mistakes like us, and love her child like us. Will it be easy? No, but she will have to discover that for herself.

 

Give the kid a break!