Is she tired or tired of me?

[TL]

I have been dating someone for about 2 months. She is 33 I am 35. We were both surprised how much we enjoyed each other and we shared alot. We spent almost everyday or at leaset had contact each day during December or up to last week (see below on change of her job). We've had a great time and am planning a Super Bowl party together at me house and sent out invites. I am attracted to her (She is very attractive, fit funny and similar to me) but I am aware of some of her shortcomings (Self centered). She is divorced 3 years from a controlling relationship and has learned to be independent and self happy. She is a beliver that a relation ship should be (80/20) no more than 20% work.

 

Last week her work schedule has been very full, more than usaual (I know this is true) she seems very tired, she goes to sleep early and is exhausted. She even told me yesterday that she does't want to talk with her friends that much.

 

She has become distant from me. I stopped by to see her for 45 minutes 4 days ago and she was glad I stopped by but she is not the same. We went out to dinner Saturday night that was OK but she is still not the same. She told me if the shoe was on the other foot, she would feel like I do. I tell her I miss her and she tells me she misses me but after I mention it.

 

I know I need to give the space and try not to focus on it. I called her an told her I need to take some time and maybe a break, but she was confused by this. I saw her on Sunday night and she came over to my house for a couple of hours because my friend was coming over for pizza.

 

OK...I have a hard time with this. I miss what we had and don't understand how it can turn off just like that. She did this kind of thing almost a month ago regarding going away for a long weeekend together (she thought she was llosing her independece and then she realizes I'm not controlling an different. )I know she is tired, I can see it. I just hope she is not tired of me.

[Totally Confused]

Tired of you isn't the correct word. It certainly isn't because she's tired from her job, I can tell you that right now. When a person is in love (especially in the beginning stages) they find the energy. As a matter of fact, the adreneline helps you find the energy. I'm in a similar situation with someone that I've only been dating for 2 mo. and believe me, at the end of a long day, I don't want to talk to or be with anyone but him. When a person makes excuses for their actions, they're not being straight with you.

 

Being a woman myself, I can tell you one thing. It's all too much too soon for her. She was going with it at first, because it was a new and exciting change in her life - and you're probably a really nice guy. After a month, you two were spending so much time together and constantly (so it sounds) with her, that she kind of needed to pull back and re-evaluate everything, especially her feelings for you. If you 2 didn't know each other for an extended period of time and all of a sudden were in each others life every day - that's what probably scared her. INSTANT COMMITTMENT. It doesn't mean she's a committment phobic, it just means, she's smart. She's realizing things were moving too quickly and things weren't developing at a slow pace. She felt trapped. You have to remember, she was in a smothering, controlling marriage. She's used to that, even though she may hate it. She automatically fell into the same pattern and then after a month or so, she realized it. Now she's backing off. LET HER or you will lose her. The worst mistake a man or woman can make is to chase someone who is backing off or giving them guilt for backing off. It's not respecting the other persons space. She's hoping you'll back off w/o her having to tell you. She's thinking "if I back off just a bit, then maybe I'll slow things down and will be able to see if I can feel for him again." Right now, she's questioning her feelings for you. It's normal...let her. When a person backs off, the other tends to "FREAK OUT" and come on stronger. This doesn't work. It only makes the other person resent you. Don't call her to see how she's doing, don't stop by her work or house, don't send gifts or letters...just let her be. No matter how hard it is. You have to be strong. Don't worry, she'll miss you. People are under the misconception that if they back off, they'll lose the other person. Not true...it's acutally the opposite. What you need to do is say "Listen, I think things have moved a little too quickly. I think you need your space and I don't want to pressure you, because obviously you're are questioning your feelings for me. I'm not going to call you, so you can have your space and when and if you're ready, I want you to call me and tell me what you've decided." DO NOT tell her you care for her or love her. That's more pressure. She knows how you feel (which is one of the reasons why she's backing off)

 

If you do all I have suggested, I guarantee you will have a better chance of getting her back. But remember, don't let her end up playing back and forth with your emotions. If she ends up doing that ...I suggest you end it for your sanity.

 

Good luck and let me know what happens.

[Tl]

ME:

 

I am 35, Male just ended my company and am going to work with someone else, just not sure who yet. I am sensitive and caring. Funny and warm. Gracious but also lack some personal self-esteem. I was in a 13-year relationship that ended over 17 months ago. I have dated a little since then. I have too much time on my hands and am getting bored.

 

HER:

 

She is 33, attractive, fit (self-employed fitness trainer. She is independent and challenging. She has some faults. Self centered and is someone who can shut down if overwhelmed by negative stuff. (Be it real or in her head)

 

She was in relationships that were controlling including a marriage that she ran from over 3 years ago due to the negative and controlling problem. She has gone through many years on therapy and sez she has found independence and true self happiness. (But I can see she doesn't really have a grasp on outside influences.)

 

SITUATION:

 

I have been dating her for about 2 months. We were both surprised how much we enjoyed each other and we have shared a lot. We have similar tastes and some similar personal traits. We spent almost everyday or at least had contact each day during December or up to last week (see below on change of her job). We've had a great time and have planed a Super Bowl party together at me house and sent out invites. I am attracted to her (She is very attractive, fit, funny and similar to me) but I am aware of some of her shortcomings (Self centered and not aware of how she affects others). She is a believer that a relationship should be 80/20, no more than 20% work.

 

Last week her work schedule has been very full, more than usual (I know this is true) she seems very tired, she goes to sleep early and is exhausted. She even told me yesterday that she doesn't want to talk with her friends that much lately. She wrote down all the clients she had seen for the week when we were at the bar before dinner Saturday night (she wanted to figure out how much she worked and what her limit is. She thought it was 25 clients and she had 28).

 

She has become distant from me. I stopped by to see her for 45 minutes four days ago and she said she was glad I stopped by but she was distant. She said she is trying to work on a balance of work, me and other things. We went out to dinner Saturday night that was OK but she is still not the same. She told me if the shoe were on the other foot, she would feel like I do. I tell her I miss her and she tells me she misses me but after I mention it.

 

I know I need to give the space and try not to focus on it. I called her a told her I need to take some time and maybe a break. I wanted to have some control and not be perceived as needy or dependent. She was confused by this.

 

I stopped by her house last Sunday night (yesterday) just to give a hug and tell her I will call her. (I was looking for some form of control) We talked a little about what's up and she told me "I think to much and this is over the 20% and that this is, in my perspective, bigger than it really is. After staying 45 minutes to watch the Simpson's with her, (her request) I had to go home because a friend of mine was coming over to watch TV and have Pizza and she asked is she could come over as well for a couple of hours and have pizza.

 

Monday she called me at 7:30 PM and said "I know you want a break, but would you like to come with me to take the dogs out to the park so they can play in the snow" I went with her but she was still distant but told me she is starting to feel better. We brought the dogs home and I went home (she thought I was going to stay a little, just from how she was when we got to her home.) I gave her a simple kiss and told her I will call her later and thanks for inviting me.

 

We have not been intimate in over a week and the calls and emails have slowed down to a minimal amount or none. I feel very distant from her. I even start wondering if she is just waiting for the Super Bowl party to happen so there isn't a link left to fulfill.

 

OK...I have a hard time with this. I miss what we had and don't understand how it can turn off just like that. She did this kind of thing almost a month ago when we went away to Mexico for a long weekend together and she just shut down in a 24-hour period. She moved from one side of the spectrum all the way to the other. She thought she was losing her independence or obtaining a feeling of being owned. Then a couple days later she realizes I'm not controlling and different and only reached back to me after I seemed kind of distant from her after we returned from the trip.

 

I know she is tired, I can see it. I just hope she is not tired of me.

[Totally Confused]

OK, I know your really upset about this. But what I told you before still stands. She is pulling away once you two get too close. As soon as you pull away, she all of a sudden tries for a bit more. If she is self-centered (is she a Leo or a Cancer?) that is just a personality trait and has nothing to do with her ability to love or be loved. She is human and has the same wants and desires as everyone else. The only thing her self-centeredness will do is maybe annoy you once in a while or cause some friction between you two, but has nothing to do with what's going on with the relationship now.

 

Have you even talked to her about what's going on and how you feel? Ask her straight out "What are you feeling?" Maybe you should start there. If you have to work too hard at a relationship, especially in the beginning, then maybe you should realize that this isn't a good thing, even though you feel strongly for her. Talk to her, so the 2 of you can decide what to do. Does she want space? Does she feel smothered? Does she still care for you? Only she knows the answer, so she's the source you're going to have to go to. You'll only drive yourself crazy. You've already pulled apart and over-analyzed everything, when the answer is probably extremely simple. All I know is that when I really care for someone, I want to be with them and that's all there is to it. When a guy likes me back, they want to be with me, no questions asked. That's how love is...especially in the beginning. You shouldn't be having this many problems at the beginning.

 

I'm also going to be honest with you. You sound needy. That's not to be mean, but you've just gotten out of a 13yr relationship only 17 mo. ago. That's not enough time for yourself. You've only been with this new girl 2 mo. and you're acting like you'll fall apart if it ends. You've spent your entire youth in a relationship. Take time and enjoy yourself. Date other people until you find a compatable partner. Don't just get serious with anyone, unless you're 100%.

 

The fact that you're overanalyzing the situation may prove that you are upset that you can't control the relationship with this new girl. You've got to relax and let things happen. another thing is this girl's (self-centeredness) annoys you already. It's who she is and who she will always be. She can't and won't change. It's who she is. If you love her, you'll have to accept it. Did you also ever think that maybe she's not the one for you and that you're just jumping into a relationship, just to have someone. I'm not saying it's true, because I don't know you, but it's something you may want to think about. You also are annoyed with her 80/20 thing. Maybe in the beginning it should be 80/20, but not in a long term one. Personally, if someone said that to me, I'd have been out the door.

 

Anyway, I don't know if anything I've said has helped you or not, but I do hope you two are able to speak and work things out. If you guys can't communicate then what's the point of being together. I hope it works out for you.

[Tl]

So I decided to talk to her. I called on the phone this morning and told her I would like to speak with her. She leaving for work and will call me back @ 11:00Am. I told her I would like to speak with her face to face.

She called me back and I said " I know you are tired, but are you tired of me?" She said sjhe is not tired of me just tired of this. I told her its just I think of her. She said she thinks of me but we have been over this and its starting to make her back off. I asked if I killed this and she said she doesn't want to hear that. After going a little back and forth, she said that lets not talk till Sunday when she will call me in the morning and come over to watch a football game.

 

We discussed that the time I have on my hands right makes me preoccupied with this.

 

I know that she is not the right one. I am nurturing person not so much needy. Its that, just like a month ago in Mexico when she had this distantace thing she comunicated what was up so poorly and I now, just like then get confussed and lost.

[Tl]

Thanks for the help, by the way...we are both Cancers She called me back and I said " I know you are tired, but are you tired of me?" She said sjhe is not tired of me just tired of this. I told her its just I think of her. She said she thinks of me but we have been over this and its starting to make her back off. I asked if I killed this and she said she doesn't want to hear that. After going a little back and forth, she said that lets not talk till Sunday when she will call me in the morning and come over to watch a football game. We discussed that the time I have on my hands right makes me preoccupied with this. I know that she is not the right one. I am nurturing person not so much needy. Its that, just like a month ago in Mexico when she had this distantace thing she comunicated what was up so poorly and I now, just like then get confussed and lost.

[Totally Confused]

Well that explains it. One of my best friends is a Cancer dating a Cancer. This is usually what it's like in a Cancer/Cancer relationship. Believe it or not - you are both self-centered, only you probably can't see it, yet at the same time, you are both sensitive and nurturing and afraid of getting hurt - so you both can tend to get a bit synical. When a cancer experiences any negativity, they tend to make sure it never happens again. Cancers usually learn their lesson the first time around, and the wall starts to build around them...it usually never comes down all the way...no matter how hard you try. Cancer (females) are not as lovey as the male cancer's can be. To much touchy feely may be great at first, but they tend to not like to be touched too often (of course it can differ from person to person, but it's usually the norm).

 

Another suggestion, when you speak to her, stop with the poor me type dialog. When you say stuff like, "are you tired of me" or "do you not care for me", it makes you sound weak. Females in general don't like to hear that because it sounds like guilt. It makes us feel like you're guilting us into staying with you, which will only make us feel more smothered and eventually we'll resent and become mean to you, trying to get you to end it so we don't have to be the bad guy.

 

You are still ahead with this girl, so start changing the dialog now, or she will be gone. Stop acting like she's tearing you apart. She's pulling away and the last thing she needs to hear is you telling her you are missing her and empty w/o her. That's more pressure and she'll pull back even more. Show confidence. You can ask if she's pulling away because she's unsure of her feelings, but never make it seem like it's because of you or don't let her think that you absolutely need her and need to see her. Just say to her that you know she's uncertain and that you care for her, so you think it's best if she takes time to herself to decide what she wants. Then encourage her to CALL YOU when she's ready. She will appreciate the fact that you are taking control and accepting that she needs space. It will make her more attracted to you. There is nothing better or more attractive to a woman (ANY WOMAN) than a man who is confident, likes himself, respects a woman and her space and genuinely cares for her well-being. If you think of yourself and how you can't be without her, she will pick up on that, will find you too pushy and pull away more. Just think before you speak.

 

Anyway, good luck w/ the 11:00 call and let me know how it goes.

[Tl]

Thanks for your input. It has been very helpful.

 

I won't her from her till Sunday. She took control and said she will call me Sunday morning an dprobably come over to watch one of the football game.

 

While I am appearing needy, and she said that, all I wanted is some sort of understanding that I don't understand what she is going through. I have told her if there is anything I can do, please feel free to ask. she thank =ed me for that. But she did say that i should stop worring what she is thinking and consintrate on myself, not her.

 

I know I pushed her away, and I believe, or hope that she does have some feeling for me. I am realizing she is not the right one and its the very sudden change that freaks me out and I don't understand so I am pushing for anwsers as well as something to give me hope.

 

I think to much and dwell on it.

 

I will relax, step back and see what happens. Its just hard . For only being in this for 2 months, why did I get so roped in and why did she withdraw when nothing happened except back to her old life style, job, that we never dealt with. By the way, I have always noticed (even when its good) when she focuses on something she can't multitask or deal with other things. To much.

 

Thanks again for you input. Please keep being honest.

Well that explains it. One of my best friends is a Cancer dating a Cancer. This is usually what it's like in a Cancer/Cancer relationship. Believe it or not - you are both self-centered, only you probably can't see it, yet at the same time, you are both sensitive and nurturing and afraid of getting hurt - so you both can tend to get a bit synical. When a cancer experiences any negativity, they tend to make sure it never happens again. Cancers usually learn their lesson the first time around, and the wall starts to build around them...it usually never comes down all the way...no matter how hard you try. Cancer (females) are not as lovey as the male cancer's can be. To much touchy feely may be great at first, but they tend to not like to be touched too often (of course it can differ from person to person, but it's usually the norm). Another suggestion, when you speak to her, stop with the poor me type dialog. When you say stuff like, "are you tired of me" or "do you not care for me", it makes you sound weak. Females in general don't like to hear that because it sounds like guilt. It makes us feel like you're guilting us into staying with you, which will only make us feel more smothered and eventually we'll resent and become mean to you, trying to get you to end it so we don't have to be the bad guy. You are still ahead with this girl, so start changing the dialog now, or she will be gone. Stop acting like she's tearing you apart. She's pulling away and the last thing she needs to hear is you telling her you are missing her and empty w/o her. That's more pressure and she'll pull back even more. Show confidence. You can ask if she's pulling away because she's unsure of her feelings, but never make it seem like it's because of you or don't let her think that you absolutely need her and need to see her. Just say to her that you know she's uncertain and that you care for her, so you think it's best if she takes time to herself to decide what she wants. Then encourage her to CALL YOU when she's ready. She will appreciate the fact that you are taking control and accepting that she needs space. It will make her more attracted to you. There is nothing better or more attractive to a woman (ANY WOMAN) than a man who is confident, likes himself, respects a woman and her space and genuinely cares for her well-being. If you think of yourself and how you can't be without her, she will pick up on that, will find you too pushy and pull away more. Just think before you speak. Anyway, good luck w/ the 11:00 call and let me know how it goes.

[Totally Confused]

Her ability of not being able to multi-task has nothing to do with the relationship. You are looking for answers in every move she makes and because I'm on the outside, I can see that she has already given them to you. You are trying to hard to overanalyze and the situation is totally simple. Stop trying to get into her head, because she's only going to tell you the basic jist of what's going on in her head. I'm telling you...you came on too strong, you are obsessing and she's picking up on the vibes. She is telling you everything I'm telling you. That's your answer. You dated and slowly you started wanting too much too quick and she got freaked out. Things were moving too fast and not at a natural pace. That's all there is to it. That's your answer. Stop thinking too much cause you're going to drive yourself crazy. by driving yourself crazy, you keep coming up with more questions (that don't even apply to the situation) to ask her, and then you end up driving her crazy. Let her do her thing and everything will be fine. Let her come to you and you're just going to have to be patient. Don't worry, she hasn't just stopped liking you, she's just backing off in hopes of slowing it down. If you back off and leave her alone, she'll come around. She doesn't want to hurt you, but if you keep prying her for answers she will end up hurting you, because she'll start to dislike and resent you. You're a grown man, Stop being in love with love and learn to love the person. Being desparate or needy for love means that you just want to be in any relationship and you don't care with who, as long as you don't have to be alone. Real love is something that grows slowly and isn't an obsession/infatuation. It takes time and you're just jumping into it after only 2 mo. Relax and enjoy her naturally and get to know who SHE is -if you really care about HER.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I come across as harsh. You are not a bad person for what you're feeling. A lot of people are doing what you're doing. Being in love and having someone special is the most incredible feeling in the world. But loving someone is a special gift, not something that just comes along everyday. Like I've said, you've been in a relationship for 13yrs. Do you honestly think after being out of that relationship for 1 1/2, it's just going to happen so quickly? You yourself aren't ready. That's what you've got to really look at. When you're ready, the right relationship will come along and it will blow your mind. You won't even have to look for it, it will happen naturally.

[Tl]

 

Your insight has been great. Thank you for the advise.

 

I am going to wait to see what she says on Sunday but I think I know what to do.

 

It is hard to understand why we have not been together excempt that she has lost what was there. We have not been close and I understand that its back to reality. I believe she still cares about me, just not as strongly.

 

I'm not sure why she doesn't break it off, but while this is hard, I should pit an end to it I believe.

 

If there is a future, that will have to be seen, but I know I miss the fun I had with her. But I know that she is not really capable of arelationship with me or maybe anyone else now.

 

She may want to slow it down or be turned off. But lets be honest, we haven't really been together or close for about 2 1/2 weeks and its not getting better or really worse, but its not good.

 

My answer comes from this; When it was or is good I feel good and fun with her, but I don't really feel peace with her.

 

Thanks again and I'll tell you what happens and what I do. Always open to your input.

 

Her ability of not being able to multi-task has nothing to do with the relationship. You are looking for answers in every move she makes and because I'm on the outside, I can see that she has already given them to you. You are trying to hard to overanalyze and the situation is totally simple. Stop trying to get into her head, because she's only going to tell you the basic jist of what's going on in her head. I'm telling you...you came on too strong, you are obsessing and she's picking up on the vibes. She is telling you everything I'm telling you. That's your answer. You dated and slowly you started wanting too much too quick and she got freaked out. Things were moving too fast and not at a natural pace. That's all there is to it. That's your answer. Stop thinking too much cause you're going to drive yourself crazy. by driving yourself crazy, you keep coming up with more questions (that don't even apply to the situation) to ask her, and then you end up driving her crazy. Let her do her thing and everything will be fine. Let her come to you and you're just going to have to be patient. Don't worry, she hasn't just stopped liking you, she's just backing off in hopes of slowing it down. If you back off and leave her alone, she'll come around. She doesn't want to hurt you, but if you keep prying her for answers she will end up hurting you, because she'll start to dislike and resent you. You're a grown man, Stop being in love with love and learn to love the person. Being desparate or needy for love means that you just want to be in any relationship and you don't care with who, as long as you don't have to be alone. Real love is something that grows slowly and isn't an obsession/infatuation. It takes time and you're just jumping into it after only 2 mo. Relax and enjoy her naturally and get to know who SHE is -if you really care about HER. Again, I'm sorry if I come across as harsh. You are not a bad person for what you're feeling. A lot of people are doing what you're doing. Being in love and having someone special is the most incredible feeling in the world. But loving someone is a special gift, not something that just comes along everyday. Like I've said, you've been in a relationship for 13yrs. Do you honestly think after being out of that relationship for 1 1/2, it's just going to happen so quickly? You yourself aren't ready. That's what you've got to really look at. When you're ready, the right relationship will come along and it will blow your mind. You won't even have to look for it, it will happen naturally.

[Totally Confused]

You seem like you've calm down a bit and are maybe even a bit more accepting of the situation - like you've gotten a better grip on things. The reason she won't end it with you is 1 of 2 reasons. She does like you, but just needs you to back off for a while so she can realize it, or she doesn't want to be the one to end it either out of possible future regret (uncertainty) or she doesn't want to hurt you, knowing how you feel about her. It's definitely one of the two. I personally feel she's just confused. She felt so much for you and now she feels sort of numb, just let her figure it out. But in the meantime, chin up and have faith that you'll find someone who's better suited for you. Let me know what happens on Sunday.

[TL]

Well here we go...she called me and wanted to come over to watch a football game. She stopped by around 4:45 PM and stayed about 4 + hours. We got delivery pizza. She still was distant. She would get close once in a while but not intimate.

 

We talked a little about what happened. She said we had fun and she said that she want to get to have fun again, but if she worked like this when we first went out it won't be as intense (day after day doing something). She thanked me for a book I got sent to her in we talked that it's only been 2 months and this is not something that we should go through so soon...that I should deal and worry about me and her for herself. I stayed cool and never pushed. Kept away from conflict, the thing she doesn't deal with or rephare, does't tolerate, too much energy effort.

 

She asked me what I did this weekend (went out with friends) and I asked she did and she only went out Thursday her girlfriend came over Friday and she went to sleep at 10:00 and worked and hour, ran arons, took a nap, rented 2 videos on Saturday Night (I know this was truth, not looking for anything here just wanted to clarify).

 

Then she wanted to review the Super Bowl party thing and she came up with want needs to be done this Friday and on Saturday she doesn't want to go out and get the stuff ready so we have any easier time on Sunday and not preesed for time. (I don't know how much I am involved here or is I am working with her on this.)

 

I realize that I fell for her and she is dealing with more things and has lost the feeling she seems to have had for me. I don't think she doesn't like me, just not as much anymore. But if I didn't like someone, I would not want to come over to someone's house.

 

I think she wants to be my friend but is that all? Is it over? I'm going to step back and see what happens, I just don't want to feel used for example, for the party (even though 70% of the guest are me friends). Why doesn't she just pull the trigger and end it? Whats up.

 

One more thing, its not that I want to be in a relationship, it's that I am very attracted to here and we really had fun, this was not one sided fun. (She would not be around if that was the case) I miss that. while she may not be the one, I just miss what I just had and was cooled off over night.

 

Truth hurts Huh?

You seem like you've calm down a bit and are maybe even a bit more accepting of the situation - like you've gotten a better grip on things. The reason she won't end it with you is 1 of 2 reasons. She does like you, but just needs you to back off for a while so she can realize it, or she doesn't want to be the one to end it either out of possible future regret (uncertainty) or she doesn't want to hurt you, knowing how you feel about her. It's definitely one of the two. I personally feel she's just confused. She felt so much for you and now she feels sort of numb, just let her figure it out. But in the meantime, chin up and have faith that you'll find someone who's better suited for you. Let me know what happens on Sunday.