Hi Everyone - First Time Poster and Need Someone to Talk to...

[devastatedagain]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is the first time I have posted here and I am looking for some people to listen and give me some advice if you have the time. With that, here is my story:

 

My wife of only 8 months and I seperated (and subsequently divorced) about 7 months ago (I'm 28, she is 27). We divorced because I wasn't affectionate enough toward her, which she is right, I wasn't. Also, I was being an idiot and she caught me looking at an adult site one day and that started the beggining of the end. Days later, she threw me out of the house and told me she was going to serve me divorce papers. She didn't want to work on our relationship and would not accept an apology and a promise to work harder at being a better husband.

 

In the months that followed, I attended counseling to help get over the shock of the divorce - talking to someone really helped. I have blamed myself for the demise of the marriage and I have talken it pretty hard.

 

About a month and a half ago, we started having some contact over instant messenger, e-mail, etc. which really made me happy. After a few weeks of chit chat, we decided to meet for the heck of it, so we met in a park. I went out and got the materials necessary for a picnic. The meeting went well, albeit a little tense at times. By the end of the "date" we were both smiling. She was in a musical at the time and she invited me to see her show. I came and brought 20 bouquets of flowers for her, which seemed to make her happy. We went on another "date" about two weeks ago and it went well. She gave me a big hug at the end of the night and we planned to go out again the following weekend, which brings us to last Friday.

 

Last Friday, I took her out to dinner and then we went to the mall. Things were going great until we walked by a few Christmas displays, which upset her (I am a big Christmas person, i.e. I go all out for the holidays in terms of decorations, gifts, etc.). This sort of ruined the night, which was going well. She left for home around 10 o'clock kind of upset after we talked a little while about our relationship, which she said "she just doesn't know" about. I tried calling her about an hour later because I felt bad because she was upset, but she didnt answer my phone call. On Saturday, we had planned to go to the casino (something we both enjoy). We met up around 3 and got to the casino around 4. Within minutes, she said she saw her cousin and needed to leave because she didn't want it getting back to her family that she was out with me. We left, got something to eat, and then she said she was tired and wasn't feeling good, so she said she wanted to go home (around 7). She said she would call me later and never did. Also, she said she went home, but never jumped on instant messenger, which she normally does. I woke up around 4 in the morning and noticed that she was online. I messaged her and she said she had just woken up and didn't call because she fell asleep.

 

The next day (Sunday) we had tickets to a concert. We had planned to meet up before the show, but about 4 hours before she cancelled and said she couldn't because she had a family party to attend that she had forgotten about, so we just met for the show. It was fun, and she seemed to have a good time.

 

On Monday, she did not contact me at all, which is odd because lately she has contacted me in some form every day, even if it is only through instant messenger. Yesterday, I text messeged her a few times and she finally called me around 10 at night, although she seemed distant during the conversation, just as she has since last Friday.

 

Last night, I decided to log onto her facebook page. Under the "status" section it says she is in a relationship with some guy I have never heard of. During the first 4 or 5 months of our divorce, she was dating some guy that she broke up with after she realized he was a jerk...one night they were at a party and he spit in her face, now it seems she is starting another new relationship, with me in the dark.

 

So that is where I stand. I feel like she has been hiding things from me and I believe my suspicions have just been reiterated with what I found on her facebook page. I feel horrible. I have been trying very hard to be the affectionate man she always wanted and now I feel like she has been doing nothing but stringing me along. Every time I ask her what she is up to, or has been up to she has an excuse about how she hasn't felt good, has been tired, etc. I love her very much, but she hurts me every time she lies to me. To go back a little, when we were dating years ago, we split for a few months before getting back together - during this time, she was seeing another guy behind my back (which I knew about, she didn't know that I knew), but eventually broke it off with him and got back with me. I guess I am just hurting right now because I have had so much hope for reconciliation and have worked very hard, but now I feel as though I am doomed. Why does she have to keep lying to me.......I think I feel even worse now than I did when we initially seperated.....

[devastatedagain]

I would really appreciate any opinions that you all might have about my situation, as I am feeling pretty down right now.....

[tanbark813]

That's a tough spot, man. If you were just dating this girl it might be wise to back off. And even in this case that might be wise. But since you two were married and she was the one that initiated the divorce, it's possible she wouldn't take it upon herself to keep in contact with you, especially since she has this new guy.

 

It sounds like you've made a good effort to turn things around with regard to showing her more affection. The cancellations, as I think you've already assumed, are likely due to conflicting plans with the new guy. Continuing the pursuit might not give her time to miss you (assuming that she would were you to drop out of the picture).

 

Honestly, it sounds like you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

As much as she has enjoyed the time you two have spent together recently, part of her reluctance may be due to something as simple as enjoying being able to play the field now. You didn't post how long you two have been married but the longer you were the more likely that comes into play for her, I would imagine.

 

I would guess that your best bet is to ask her about the new guy the next time you speak. Definitely don't be accusatory. Just be very matter-of-fact. "Hey, I saw your facebook the other day and noticed this guy... blah blah blah." Just get a feel for where things stand. Then after that you'll probably have to back off, but at least she'll know that you know about this guy.

 

If there is any hope of you two getting back together, she'll likely need some time to see what life is like without you. But, of course, that's no guarantee that that life is worse.

 

I think that, by and large, in situations like this in terms of contact, less is more.

[devastatedagain]

We were married for 8 months - dated for a little over 3 years prior to marriage, seperated for 7 months now...

[devastatedagain]

I think the worst part is that over the past month or so, I have slowly felt like I was getting my smile back as we were hanging out, talking, etc. Now I feel like I have been thrown back down in the dumps.....

[tanbark813]

Hmm.. well was that lack of affection the only issue? Not that it's a small thing but getting divorced after only 8 months for something like that seems pretty sudden.

[devastatedagain]

Yes the lack of affection and the fact that she caught me looking at an adult site, which I did every now and then, but not very often........

[devastatedagain]

Anybody else?

[brothermartin]

A little advice: Back off. It sounds to me like she dose'nt know what she really wants and she's doing what a lot of people have done in similar circumstances, she's testing her options. Take yourself out of the equation and give her some time to make up her mind, but let her know that you're not going to be her d**k in a glass case in the meantime.

[MattyTee]

This is a difficult situation but I think you need to do two things here. You need to start looking out for yourself and how this is making you feel. As Martin puts it don't let her string you along. This will take some open and honest communication (as hard as that might be) on both of your parts. If she's not willing to be open and honest now then perhaps that doesn't indicate good things for the future. So, maybe make it clear where you stand. Make it clear that you aren't going to be a back-up plan and then tell her she knows where you are if she makes a decision - then some space for yourself.

[devastatedagain]

I feel like if I tell her that I won't be her "back-up plan" and I call her out on this other guy, I will lose any chance I have of reconcilliation.

[alwayshurt]

hey man, you need to follow your heart.

those fellas gave really good advices but you know the woman and perhaps can understand better what it is that she is looking for.

I will just not push a lot, though. If you think there is somebody else in the background, then it is time to step back and let her figure out what she wants.

I don't have to tell you that the more you force her to be with you the more you are pusshing her away.

You may have options if you show her that you are a man and can live with or without her. But since you guys were married I would just talk straight with her, telling her what you want. Then disappear. If she is into you she will do anything to win you back. It may takes some time though during which you should try to move on and live your life. Then wait and see what happens.

 

Good luck

[Pentula77]

To go back a little, when we were dating years ago, we split for a few months before getting back together - during this time, she was seeing another guy behind my back (which I knew about, she didn't know that I knew), but eventually broke it off with him and got back with me.

 

Dude, this girl is no good. When she first cheated on you that was when you should have said.....

 

Adios baby !

 

You're lucky you have no children with her and your wallet is in tact. Why would you go into business with someone who cheats on you ?

 

Ask Jophil28 how to be a sparten, he'll lead you to the promised land.

 

Don't take her back this time.

[Travis L]

I've always had a problem with someone claiming the demise of a relationship to be due to a lack of affection/attention/etc... Why would she marry you after 3 years of seeing who you are if this was the problem? Maybe it's just me but if this was the problem, when you reversed course and gave her attention she should have jumped back in the good little wife role. Instead, she continued to leave and left.

 

Think carefully... Do you want a life of having to fear your wife leaving? Today it's a lack of affection, tomorrow you forgot to take out the trash. She knew who you were after three years and only left once she was deep in the middle of the married life. Sounds more like commitment issues...scared of being with one person and she finds the one thing you do wrong to make it seem like it is all your fault. Trust me, my girlfriend left after 4 years and I spent about 2 months blaming myself for it. It wasn't me... Granted, I could have been a "better" boyfriend as I wasn't perfect...Still, when someone loves another they don't bounce for solvable problems.

 

What man did she fall in love with? The affectionate one or the occasionally distant one? Be the man you once were with the knowledge that there is someone out there who will love you for you. You won't have to CHANGE to make them happy as they will love you just as you are.

 

You looking at the occasional porn site is not a divorcable offense, in my opinion. If she wants to get all you are "bad" or "immoral" for looking at a porn site then she should take a look in the mirror as she divorced you.

 

Read through this site and you might want to focus on the divorce thread. Sorry I can't be of more help but you really need to figure out EXACTLY what caused your divorce. Don't hound her...back off...give her exactly what she wanted when she divorced you...distance. Act like she is acting and she will be feeling how you are feeling...hopefully

[Spinderella]

It sounds like you took both things quite fast.

She obviously has alot on her mind and is unsure of you and the relationship.

Perhaps she has a few options.

Perhaps when things are going wrong in one relationship she jumps to another. Has she been single for long ever?

It sounds as though she is not happy with any of her relationships.

 

I think the best thing is to, ask her if she wants some time to think. Say you will wait, but will not be in contact while you wait. Say you want her to be sure before she comes back to you, or before you spend any more time together.

[Spinderella]

You looking at the occasional porn site is not a divorcable offense, in my opinion. If she wants to get all you are "bad" or "immoral" for looking at a porn site then she should take a look in the mirror as she divorced you.

 

Its not for some, and for others it is. An individual has a right to what they will and will not accept in their own relationship, and to divorce if they find something that they deem unacceptable.

[devastatedagain]

Hello Everyone -

 

I want to thank everyone that has written a response at this point for their insightful advice on my situation.

 

Here is an update from last night:

 

She jumped on instant messenger around 10 oclock last night so I messeged her and said hi. We "small talked" for a few minutes. I asked her if she wanted to do something this Saturday (we had planned to go to a haunted house last week) and her tone suddenly changed. She became very defensive saying things like she doesn't ever want to be married to me again, I have had my chances, and that she doesn't want to put herself in a situation of failure again. I tried to reassure her, telling her how hard I would work at our relationship and that I am certain that we could be very happy if we were to get past the tough spot that we are in right now.

 

She claimed that I give her stress. She said she knows my intentions are good, but it gives her stress notheless. She also said that she does not think of me anymore as a love interest, just as a friend and she can never think otherwise because of the pain I have caused her.

 

We went back and fourth in circles for about a half hour. Finally, she said she was tired and we would talk later. I said "ok" and we left it at that.

 

She has completely changed her tone over the past week. Last week at this time, we were making plans to do things, talking about fun stuff to do, and getting along very well. Now, she seems to want nothing to do with me and continues to hurt my feelings. A month ago, when we first began talking again, she said she was miserable and was not hapy with her life. Over the past few weeks, she has seemed much better and acted excited to do things with me. Now, she has completely changed her tone to the point where she is saying there is no hope. I do not understand it, but it hurts alot nonetheless. I love this woman and I am not sure why she feels the need to hurt me over and over again. I really care for her, but feel like I only have value when she is bored and needs someone to help her problems. I didn't bring up the fact that I know she is seeing someone else all of the sudden, nor did she. I asked her why her behavior has changed so abruptly in the past week and she claimed that it hasn't, that she just doesn't have feelings for me and I give her stress.

 

I am lost at this point as to how to proceed with this, what to feel, and what to do.

[tanbark813]

You can't beg or convince someone to want to be with you. It never works.

 

I am not sure why she feels the need to hurt me over and over again.

 

She doesn't. You're being hurt over and over again because you're putting yourself in a position to be hurt. It's like touching a hot stove multiple times and blaming the stove for your burns.

 

I am lost at this point as to how to proceed with this, what to feel, and what to do.

 

Back off. Have no contact with her.

[tomwiz]

I kinda get the impression due to the fact that you have a facebook account taht you are relatively young. Its difficult, but due to the infidelties, lack of communicaiton,etc and hte divorce...I would most likely just hang up the gloves and live to fight another day, it seems like there are no kids involved and although it will be difficult...i'd move on

[Travis L]

Its not for some, and for others it is. An individual has a right to what they will and will not accept in their own relationship, and to divorce if they find something that they deem unacceptable.

 

Your comment is so obvious it didn't even need to be stated. Thanks for wasting 3 seconds of my life.

 

Obviously, anyone has the RIGHT to divorce for any reason that they want: "He looked at me funny." "He puts his left shoe on before his right one." How anyone can view one porn site as bad but leaving a marriage is OK is beyond me. Sounds like a spoiled little sheltered princess.

[devastatedagain]

Any more advice? Especially from some of the veterans of the site?

[tanbark813]

Any more advice? Especially from some of the veterans of the site?

 

Five years doesn't make me a veteran? I see how it is.

 

Alright, it's obvious that what you want to hear is: "Pursue her like crazy, bro! She'll love it!"

 

Give that a shot and report back here in 6 months with how it worked out.

[devastatedagain]

Please don't take offense Bark - I appreciate your insightful comments. I am just looking for additional perspective. I know that pursuing her isn't going to be the answer.....

[Spinderella]

Your comment is so obvious it didn't even need to be stated. Thanks for wasting 3 seconds of my life.

 

Obviously, anyone has the RIGHT to divorce for any reason that they want: "He looked at me funny." "He puts his left shoe on before his right one." How anyone can view one porn site as bad but leaving a marriage is OK is beyond me. Sounds like a spoiled little sheltered princess.

 

I really dont think its anything to get worked up about.

[tanbark813]

No worries.