Spinderella Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 You can't beg or convince someone to want to be with you. It never works. She doesn't. You're being hurt over and over again because you're putting yourself in a position to be hurt. It's like touching a hot stove multiple times and blaming the stove for your burns. Back off. Have no contact with her. Good post. Of course she feels stressed, because its obvious how much you want to try again, and so being with you will make her feel pressured. If you really want to try this, then the best thing to do, but, maybe abit late, is to rebuild the trust again. Take it SLOW. Dont even talk about getting back together, and definetly not being married. Let her get to know the new you, dont expect that the more you tell her, the more she will believe it. She needs to SEE the changes, not HEAR them. It might just be too late though. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Good try there "bark" lol Ok devastated, in "girls 101" the first rule, is to give her space and let her see what she's missing. If you were truly a great guy, and she's not just a psycho, odds are she'll date around a bit, run into the same a**holes the rest of us gals do and THEN, come running back. Try the formula or divert from it at your own risk. Either way, we are all here to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 I really haven't talked with her about getting back together, I have just asked her to do things with me, whuch she was all about and excited to do until about a week ago, when she started acting strange. She says things to me like "I know that getting back together is what you want," to which I reply "yes, of course that is what i would ultimately like," but I do not bring it up, I only respind to it. Link to post Share on other sites
brothermartin Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 You said the words yourself man, " I feel like she only values me when she's bored or she needs me to help her work out her problems." You answered your own question. You may love her, but she seems to love her own drama and bulls**t more than you. Take the advice, back off. Your'er only setting yourself up for more pain from her when you give her the attention she keeps hitting you up for. Heres how you pull yourself away: When you feel the desire to contact her, do something else. Everytime! It's not going to just go away, that takes time. But it will get easier over time. Pick something self-fulfilling to do. A hobbie, internet porn, talking to friends, stuff like that. It works. Its worked for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 The frustrating part is that I had already pulled myself away and reserved myself to the fact that we would never be together again. Then we start messaging each other about a month ago, she starts telling me about how unhappy her life is, and we start seeing each other every now and then. We have a good time and then suddenly, she doesn't want to talk to me anymore and "has no feelings" for me, stating that she can never "see me that way again." I really hate the rollercoaster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 I don't know, I guess I should have expected this. Years ago, we broke up after dating for about a year. She got with a new boyfriend, they broke up after a couple months, see sought me out again and the rollercoaster began. After a while of seeing each other, sh proclaimed that she could not feel that way about me anymore (again, there was another guy in the picture that I knew about and she was never honest about, even when confronted....she just lied to my face). So I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same......there are many moments that I wish I did not love an individual like this, because cognitively I know these are all major issues..... Link to post Share on other sites
MattyTee Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I'm going to sound like CaliGuy here but ... well I saw him advising people to pick up a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy". My copy came in the post a few days ago. I've got about half way through and it would certainly be worth a look. The important thing here is to start looking out for yourself. If she ever wants to try things with you again then she'll let you know that. Make some boundaries for yourself: perhaps that you aren't going to be there to cheer her up at the drop of a hat; You aren't going to sit back and be treated badly. Anyway, might be worth a look. Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 Well, she said she would talk to me today, but it is 11:20 and I still haven't heard from her via phone, IM, or text message, so I guess now she cannot even be honest about that. It breaks me up inside to know that someone I care about so much cares about me so little..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 Well she never contacted me yesterday, not a big surprise. I am wondering what I should do the next time she contacts me (assuming she does at some point). Should I bring up that I know about this other guy and that she hasn't been being honest with me? Do I ignore her? Do I ask her why she cannot be honest with me? I am just not sure how to proceed. She claims suddenly that she has no feelings for me and that I give her stress, although this could have been no further from the case a week ago, when she was making plans with me, messaging and calling me every day, and acting very excited to see me. Truly a total 180 in terms of behavior... Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 So, she hasnt changed. She still doesnt know what she wants. She is consistent in her inconsistency. If she calls again, dont answer. She knows where she stands. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 You know I feel sorry for you. Your being led around by your balls while she gets to get banged by other dudes!?!? When the F are you gonna let go??? She's using you and keeping you on the backburner unless her life doesnt go as planned. How does it feel to know your always gonna be number 2 never number 1!!! Let her go. I tell you what I'd meet her if she invite me out and just be nonchallant and treat her so nasty she'll hate me and wouldnt contact me again. I'd tell her I'm not feeling her and her friends look better than she ever did. Why? Because you dont owe her ****, she treats you like dirt and you just accept it? When does it sink in! She's not feeling you anymore, she isnt mature enough to be in a loving relationship with you! Mark my words one day that switch inside is gonna snap. And that is the day when you erase everything about her. You need to prepare yourself to let her go and stop being so pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Well I haven't heard from her all weekend.....no contact at all......I am amazed by how quickly her behavior has changed.....it is like I am not even dealing with the same person.... Link to post Share on other sites
brothermartin Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Hey man, I just had it happen to me today. I sent my ex an email (despite all the advice not to) and she through it in my face. This, after she sent me an email a week ago about a self-help link she thought I might find helpful! I was just trying to salvage some level of civility between us, but she wont even have that! My advice, MOVE ON! Cut her loose and dont look back! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 You just dont get it DA, she aint one of those chicks that's gonna think about you! Move on with your life!!! The quicker the better!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 22, 2007 Author Share Posted October 22, 2007 Thanks for the support guys and I like the Auron icon Brothermartin, btw! I understand what you guys are saying and I know that it is for the best......it is just hard sometimes, ya know? What I don't understand is why did she begin contact with me again and start going out with me again, only to "disappear" after a few weeks of us having a good time? I don't understand how some peple can just "turn on and off," almost at will. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 What I don't understand is why did she begin contact with me again and start going out with me again, only to "disappear" after a few weeks of us having a good time? To keep you interested in her or pining for her. She doesn't want you to forget about her because you're her backup plan. I'm guessing that when she initiated contact out of the blue, things were shaky with the new guy or she was unsure of things. It's hard, man, but the best thing you can do right now is go NC. Like I've recommended to many a man in your position: Go watch Swingers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 22, 2007 Author Share Posted October 22, 2007 Well tanbark, you are right on the money.....when we started talking again, she was getting out of her relationship with the first guy she was dating after our separation.....now that she has a new "great guy" it seems it is back to business as usual...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 22, 2007 Author Share Posted October 22, 2007 Another day, still no contact...... Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Watch Swingers. Link to post Share on other sites
J2911Gal Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Here is my opinion... I feel like this woman never loved you in the first place. If she did, she would have been more willing and accepting. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You are free to move on and find someone who will love and accept you just the way you are. That is the beauty in love...when its the right person you find ways to be so forgiving. You try, you don't file for divorce after 8 months of marriage. Who is this woman? Its obvious that the only one she cares about is herself. Count your blessings... be glad you don't have children with her. Walk away with some dignity. Be a man. I'm not saying be rude to her. But stand up for yourself. Forgive her and let her go. Let her record speak for itself... She divorced you after 8 months, she led you on, and has now dumped you again... I hate to say it, but she won't change. She doesn't want to. She will continue to hurt you.... And just for the record... she has you exactly where she wants you. Don't be that man. Don't let her have the control. A woman wants a man she can be proud of, not one who lets a woman dictate and control him. We find that weak. Be strong and proud of who you are without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Here is my opinion... I feel like this woman never loved you in the first place. If she did, she would have been more willing and accepting. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You are free to move on and find someone who will love and accept you just the way you are. That is the beauty in love...when its the right person you find ways to be so forgiving. You try, you don't file for divorce after 8 months of marriage. Who is this woman? Its obvious that the only one she cares about is herself. Count your blessings... be glad you don't have children with her. Walk away with some dignity. Be a man. I'm not saying be rude to her. But stand up for yourself. Forgive her and let her go. Let her record speak for itself... She divorced you after 8 months, she led you on, and has now dumped you again... I hate to say it, but she won't change. She doesn't want to. She will continue to hurt you.... And just for the record... she has you exactly where she wants you. Don't be that man. Don't let her have the control. A woman wants a man she can be proud of, not one who lets a woman dictate and control him. We find that weak. Be strong and proud of who you are without her. You are so right on point with that post it's not even funny. DA u gotta stop pinning after her like a lovesick puppy!!! I see you ignored my posts and you know what , you know what I'm saying is right, heed my words. You must move on or you'll never be able to find the right woman! Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 You guys are certainly right, I just haven't been sure how to respond......thanks for the advice......I guess I have been letting her walk all over me. She must feel as though she is in a wonderful position....she can go out and date whoever she wants and if it doesnt work out, she has a fail safe backup plan. I am not going to be that backup plan. Link to post Share on other sites
handbanana Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Dude, this girl is no good. When she first cheated on you that was when you should have said..... Adios baby ! You're lucky you have no children with her and your wallet is in tact. Why would you go into business with someone who cheats on you ? Ask Jophil28 how to be a sparten, he'll lead you to the promised land. Don't take her back this time. PREACH!! fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me! you need to move on dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 24, 2007 Author Share Posted October 24, 2007 Today is one of those days where I feel like e-mailing her to tell her that I am glad she has decided to refrain from any and all contact after having contact with me every day over the course of the last month.....when she was single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastatedagain Posted October 26, 2007 Author Share Posted October 26, 2007 Just as an update, I have maintained NC, even though it is killing me. As much as I would like to e-mail her, I am holding back. She told me I create stress for her, So I guess the best thing to do is back off, even though I know there is another guy in the picture. It hurts, but I am not sure what else to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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