That age old question again....

[May]

I know that this problem has probably been approached by countless women but I'm going to ask it again.

 

Why is my partner looking at porn behind my back?

 

Why does he need to look at other women in a sexual capacity?

 

My partner and I have been together for over 4 years and I am proud of the fact that we have a honest and open relationship.

I can approach him on anything, yes even this problem.

The problem is this one is not being solved.

 

I know he looks at porn on the Internet because I have more knowledge of a computers working system than him. I see his history and search engine results.

He always searches for things that I wouldn't necessarily call strange but I must admit some things worry me.

 

I have confronted him with it before and he denied it. I actually had more of a problem with him lying to me than looking at the porn.

It shocked me that he could lie as he's never kept something from me before.

He did eventually admit to it and also admitted to feeling ashamed.

We had many long heated discussions over this matter and I'm confident of it being resolved.

However I focused less on the porn and more on the lying so the porn thing didn't really get resolved.

 

It stopped for months but now it is back.

I'm sure if I approached him with it again he wouldn't lie to me again but I'm not sure it will help.

I think that if I bring to his attention that I know he will just try to hide it better.

 

I understand that men are more visual and to be honest I wouldn't mind so much if he was a little more open about it or involved me somehow.

We have a wonderful sex life and incorporate many new things into it.

We are still young so aesthetically we are still attractive to each other. But it hurts me to know he is looking at other women.

Women wouldn't mind looking at a gorgeous bloke (or woman) once in a while but don't. I know I don't because I love my partner very much and want him to know he's the only one for me. I have no problem sacrificing those peeks for him.

So why can't he do it for me?

 

What I want to know is ....

 

If it hurts me why does he still do it?

 

I don't want him to stop if it means bigger secrets or affairs.

Isn't there a compromise?

 

I've seen threads posted by people here before and you seem wonderfully helpful.

Please could you help me look at this from other perspectives and give me some advice.

 

Should I confront him?

Should I ignore it?

Should I limit what he can see with content advisors (as I will admit to doing a little now )

 

Please help!

Thanks

May

[Tony T]

1. "If it hurts me why does he still do it?"

 

Because he wants to. It's probably an addiction. Most men enjoy looking at pictures of nude women now and then, some more than others. He's probably doing it because he enjoys looking at the female body and doesn't believe for a minute that you would invade his privacy by investigating his usage of the computer.

 

However, when a person starts doing such behind the back of a partner who has expressed dismay at the activity...putting the relationship in peril...it then becomes an addiction.

 

2. "I don't want him to stop if it means bigger secrets or affairs.

Isn't there a compromise?"

 

There's always a compromise, but what are you wanting him to compromise? Do you want to stipulate he can only look at 10 pictures a week? How will you enforce this? I do think you need an ongoing dialogue on this and you should express your concerns about what this could lead to. I personally don't believe men looking at pictures of nude women very often leads to affairs...but, yes, it's a personal thing that they would probably prefer to do in secret...something like masturbating...not something you want to go around announcing.

 

3. "I've seen threads posted by people here before and you seem wonderfully helpful."

 

Some people think so...others would prefer I would have been a passenger on the Titanic.

 

4. "Please could you help me look at this from other perspectives and give me some advice."

 

I think I've done that already. But you have to honor your perspective and how you hurt because that's all that counts for you. If your partner doesn't respect that and have consideration for your feelings, I think you know what to do.

 

5. "Should I confront him?"

 

Absolutely, especially if this is going to affect your opinion of him and the way you feel about the relationship. And you MUST be forthright and honest with him about every aspect of your feelings. This is, of course, a sensitive subject so you have to approach it that way. Make sure you have him give you enough details about his activities so that you can make a decision on whether or not you want to remain in the relationship. It's not likely he will make a permanent change without lots of counselling.

 

6. "Should I ignore it?"

 

No, I just told you why you have to address the situation and get it resolved to your satisfaction. Of course, when you asked this you didn't know I would have already answered it so that's OK.

 

7. "Should I limit what he can see with content advisors (as I will admit to doing a little now )"

 

You aren't his mother or babysitter. Do you see what you are asking? If you have to treat your man like a child and infringe on his constitutional rights, I think you need to dump him. If you have a partner that you have to work to keep him from hurting you, I think that's really sad.

 

If you want to visit an interesting website on the subject, go to: http://www.no-porn.com/ If you scroll down a bit, on the left side you will see some interesting books that may be helpful. Click on each for a synopsis. Otherwise, go to http://www.google.com and enter "addiction to porn" to find some sites with helpful information to give you additional insight into the exact problem you are confronting.

[cindy0039]

I've seen this topic posted here many times and in this instance felt the urge to reply. Here's my opinion, take it or leave it. I don't think men (or women for that matter) looking at pictures on the internet is necessarily a problem or means they have an "addiction" or anything of the sort. I think that most times it is just a curiosity that can easily be satisfied these days via the internet, something that didn't use to be so readily available. Okay, I will admit it - I have even looked at things on occasion that I've come across on the internet that I would never dream of going out to an adult book store and actually buying and bringing into my home. But hey, it's there so you look. Curiosity, right? I don't pay for it. My husband and I have a very open relationship as well. It doesn't bother me for him to read (and yes look at) Playboy. Heck, we read and look at it together. I think it sometimes helps our sex life. I don't know if this is what some people refer to as "porn." That's kind of a broad term.

 

But I agree with you that if lying is the issue then that is where the problem lies. I get the feeling maybe he lies because he doesn't want you to get mad at him and he thinks if you knew you wouldn't approve. Unless you are just totally disgusted by the things he looks at and morally against it, I say go with the flow and talk openly with him and offer to look at the stuff WITH him and discuss it. The key with any relationship is communication. Tell him what part of it bothers you - if it's just the lies and not the actual "porn" then I'm sure something can be worked out. If the porn is a deal-breaker, then you need to tell him that too.

[May]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I took a look on some of the sites you recommended and have deduced from the information they gave me that although there isn't a serious problem here there could be a potentially big problem.

 

Although I cannot possibly tell what my partner thinks exactly, I roughly worked out that he shows the behaviour of someone who is in the first stages of an addiction.

 

Mainly because of the more riskier things he is looking at (a desensitization of sorts) and that he is keeping it a secret, not just because he wants it to be personal but also because he knows it would hurt someone. ie. Me.

 

Their advice is to approach him with it and if he's willing to, go cold turkey.

 

Does this work I wonder?

I thought all guys liked to look at other women and porn.

 

As I said it doesn't seem to be a big problem and I certainly wouldn't consider throwing away what is in every other aspect a wonderful relationship at this stage.

We work together wonderfully and I think it's wrong to just say 'end a relationship' over something that we haven't tried very hard at resolving yet.

Relationships are supposed to be worked at.

But I'm nobody's fool. If his addiction amounted to a degree that I felt like some of the women that I read threads from on those sites...

Well lets just say that he'd be left alone to view as much porn as he likes. It is after all his problem.

 

My problem is the way I feel about it and I feel it would be a good thing to try and nail this thing early....ish.

 

I'll let you all know how it goes too.

 

Oh and I took off the content advisor as I felt exactly the same way when putting it on.

I'm not his mother and I wouldn't want to be either!

I just wanted him to stop.

Well I'm not shy of confrontation (not with him anyway) so I'll approach it less motherly and more partnery (Is that a word? Lol)

 

Wish me luck.

[May]

Well if anyone's interested here's how my confrontation went.

 

Although I have no problems confronting my partner about anything, this was incredibly hard to bring up....

.....so I just said it.

 

If anyone else gets worried about 'bringing the subject up' or any subject just say it while you're thinking 'how am I going to say it'.

If I'd thought too much I wouldn't have gotten round to it at all!

 

Well I told him and we talked for a long time about it.

The short version is....

He thinks as I, that it is not an addiction and admitted a lot to curiosity which I understand as even I've been curious.

I told him about the web sites I looked at and what they said were the beginning signs of an addiction. He was quite worried about the prospect of being an addict which makes me more happy about the situation as he seems to want to do it for himself too.

He admitted to sometimes wondering why he looked when he wasn't really interested or aroused in the first place.

I think because it's there and he's alone.

He feels that it would be easy to give it up especially seeing as it's hurting me.

He also didn't realise I felt so bad as we are very open about the sexual part of our relationship so he thought I would have mentioned it before. Not that this is my fault but I did assume that he would know.

 

I stressed that I didn't want him to hide it better or be unsatisfied as a result of me asking but it didn't seem that it would be a problem.

As I said our sex life is wonderful and varied so I know he wouldn't go without.

 

Well I guess time will tell. Although he has kept things from me he is no good at lying and I believe what he told me last night. Now I just want to see if he can do it.

Fingers crossed.

[May]

Oh I also just quickly wanted to say how I think it's wonderful that anyone can post a topic on this website and not just members.

It's great to think anyone can come for advice.