I Screwed Up Big Time

[J.D.]

Hi, I'm J.D. I'm new, but I have a long, painful story to tell.

 

I'm 24. I got married at 20 to a girl I went to high school with. I'd say I got married too young and whatever, but we made the best of it for 2 1/2 years. I found out I was getting out of the Air Force, and we didn't want to get stuck where we were, so she left early to take a job in Minneapolis, where we had decided to settle down for life after the Air Force.

 

29 days after she left, she cheated on me and got pregnant with the guy's kid. She hid it from me for 7 weeks until she found out she was pregnant, which is when she decided to tell me. I self-destructed. I threw myself into a litany of meaningless relationships and one-night stands trying to feel like I was worth a damn to someone. I went back and forth on what to do about my marriage. I even started seeing someone else during this time. Ultimately, I made the decision that I couldn't stay with her. I didn't know how I could forgive with the constant reminder of her infidelity there every day in the form of her child. We're still working through the divorce process, but I moved on and decided to start dating again for real.

 

And wouldn't you know it... I took a job and the first day I started, I met a wonderful woman. Took us three days to finally go out on a date, but we haven't been apart since. I moved in shortly after, began taking on the role of stepfather for her 4 kids. We've been together for 7 very, very happy months. The only reason we hadn't gotten married already was waiting for the previous divorce to finish. I never expected to find love again so fast, but I did, and it was more powerful than anything I had experienced in my life. She showed me what real love feels like.

 

And so what do I do? I screw everything up. About a month and a half ago me and one of her friends started talking a lot. She was unhappy with her husband. There were a few minor things in my relationship I wasn't happy with. We started flirting innocently, but then it built and snowballed quickly. Eventually, after a month and a half of talking back and forth, pursing her and being pursued by her, we kissed and made out. I didn't sleep with her, but I may as well have.

 

My girlfriend, to her credit, had a feeling since all this started. I lied about it to her constantly. She logged into my Myspace accout and found a message from her friend to me that was fairly incriminating. She went and did some research, eventually calling the friend directly. The friend admitted to kissing me. When she confronted me, I admitted to all of it.

 

It's been 4 days. The only goal I have in my life right now is trying to make things work with her. I'm so ashamed of what I did, and I'm so desperately wanting to change. I've had a problem, for a long time, of being addicted to that kind of attention from women. While I hadn't cheated in any of my previous relationships, I was tempted constantly. I came close once. This time, I cracked. I don't even know why. What I do know is I took a wonderful woman for granted. I made her feel used. She treated me like gold, and I abused that. God brought her into my life and I turned my back on it. I love her so much. I'm doing everything I can to prove to her that I want to change. I've given her the passwords to EVERYTHING I do online. I've begun keeping a journal that I allow her to read at her leisure. I've begun pushing women out of my life that she doesn't really know. I'm cutting out the temptations from my life, and have offered to take every step in making sure they don't come back. I've offered to go to counseling with her and on my own. For a while I used instant messaging shortly after I was cheated on to find people to hook up with. I've told her that I will delete and block everyone from there, friend or not. I so badly want her to remain in my life, and I am willing to cut out everyone else that she doesn't feel comfortable with. I want to start going back to church with her.

 

I'm in so much pain right now. I want to tell her how much I love her, and can't. I want to prove that I can change and be the person that she deserves, but my words hold no meaning (and I know that's to be expected). I want to hold her and comfort her, but I'm the last person in the world that can do it. I've been sleeping on the floor, but I'm grateful that I'm not out on the street right now. I haven't eaten, I haven't slept, I've been having seizures (which I've had for a while now)... and I haven't the slightest clue how to show her how sincere I am.

 

I know it's going to take time. I know I have to be patient. I'm willing to be as patient as possible. I've lost a lot of friends who have no respect for me anymore. I'm pushing more of them that she hasn't met and doesn't trust out (most of my friends are women). I've caused her to lose her friend and her friend's husband because of this. I just wanted to know, I guess, what else any of you suggest. I'm not after pity. I don't deserve it. I just want to know if you all think I'm doing the right thing, and can give me any other suggestions.

 

Thanks for helping me and giving me a place to talk about this.

[Cobra_X30]

I feel you bro!

 

Show her with actions... but never ever forget the power of words! Make the changes last. You know exactly how she feels.

 

Keep fighting and stay true. You need to be willing to pay for this... for the rest of your life if need be!

[heatherd1201]

I am sorry to say that she will probably never forget/forgive what you did. You were right in saying that you didn’t sleep with her but that you “might as well have”, because to her, it’s just about betrayal. Not just to her, but to the children that you have been acting as a step parent to. This happened to me as well in a previous relationship and although he did not take the same actions you did (he actually had the nerve to defend what he did) I just couldn’t let go of the mistrust. Every little thing that he did that was out of the ordinary I questioned. If he was even 10 minutes late coming home from work, I was calling him, drilling him. I stayed with him for about 6 months after the “incident” and just couldn’t take it anymore.

I am glad however that you are taking the steps on your own that you need to, without her saying “I want you to go to counseling.” Or “I want all of your passwords”. That is a positive thing.

Also remember, whatever is meant to be, will be. If you were meant to be with her then you were meant to go through this as a test of how strong your relationship is and what the two of you together can withstand. If you were not meant to be then you were meant to learn from this to carry it with you to the next relationship and not make the same mistake. I truly hope for your sake and sanity that this was meant as a test for the 2 of you TOGETHER.

I wish you luck, and keep us posted!

[TryingToHeal3]

You're doing a wonderful job. You screwed everything up for a while, yes...but atleast you feel lower than dirt and are taking the right steps to continuing your relationship. Sometimes we can be our worst enemy. Keep doing what you're doing. Shower her with love, compliments, happiness, anything you can think of. Expect her to reject it. You're not doing it for her to embrace you. What you have done is turned her precious heart into a block of ice. So every loving gesture you can think of will slowly but surely heat it and it will melt for you again. Another thing. Remind yourself of what you've done...why? Because she is. You want to put yourself in her shoes as much as you can, feel her pain and agony. Whenever she feels the need to talk about it, let her vent. Just quietly listen and remind her how terrible of a decision it was and how sorry you are. Good luck. Your love will be here before you know it.

[J.D.]

Thanks for the kind words and advice.

 

Things are starting to get a little better. Last night was the first night I was able to rub her back or play with her hair while she was falling asleep. I've been allowed to the bed again. I asked her last night if she was feeling better about us at all, and she said that she thought she was getting there. I spoke with her daughter and apologized to her for hurting her mother, and she told me not to worry and that things will be okay.

 

Last night the three of us sat down, ordered pizza, and watched a movie together. Felt like family again. She told me today that everything came in waves... that one moment she felt pretty sure that she could forgive me and work through it, and then something else would hit her and cause her to doubt again. I told her that it made sense... that all I was hoping was that each day was a little better and easier than the one before it. I have a lot more hope right now than I did.

 

I've been able to talk to a couple of close friends about it, too, that haven't lost all respect for me. It's been really helpful. Things aren't anywhere near normal, but there's hope now. It's the only positive emotion I've had since all of this happened.

 

I'm trying to take this as one big lesson that I needed to learn to drastically change who I am so that the two of us could live and love happily. So I'm taking the steps now. It's going to be a slow process for me, but I have faith that I'm going to find the strength not to be in the situation where I even have that choice to make anymore. I'm not going to take her for granted again.

 

It's going better, but there's still such a steep hill to climb. If she continues to talk with me and be open about what she feels, though... and we take it a step at a time... I think we'll make it to the top again. I'm hopeful, anyway.

[Cobra_X30]

Good Job! Never take her for granted!

 

You know better than most how she feels, so just understand and never stop working to rebuild that trust.

[MrsHellnoFire]

You really sound like you are kind of a mess due to what your first wife did to you (rightfully so) and you really could probably use some counselling so this doesn't happen again!

 

You're deep regret on the situation reminds me of the song:

"the reason" by hoobastank

 

Sounds like you are a good person who just needs a little soul searching.