yooper08 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Hello Everyone, I am new to this board and just need to vent! A little background information, I am almost 24 my Bf is 25 we have been dating a little over 3 years but have known each other since I was 15. We have a very good relationship but he refuses to man up and propose, we have looked at rings and are moving in together in May when I graduate college. He graduated and has a good job. He just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me when I see all of my friends who have been dating people for a year or less getting married it is so hard for me to be happy for them when I am wishing it was me. I feel that we argue alot lately just because I am so resentful towards him for keeping our relationship at a stand still. We have been talking about marriage for about a year and a half now and I just want to move on with our relationship. Everytime I bring it up he goes it will happen it's in my plans. I don't want to give him an ultimatium or force him to marry me if he doesnt want to, but at this point in my life if he really isn't sure he wants to marry me as much as I love him I would have to move on with my life. I try really hard not to bring it up but it is constantly on my mind and bothers me, I am just looking for some advise on what to do about my turtle speed boyfriend... Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 Wow that sounds like a tough situation. What exactly do you say when you bring up marriage? He may feel pressured and thats why he really doesnt even want to think about proposing. It just sounds like the guy isn't ready. Three years is a long time to be together, and 24 isn't really that old in the grand scheme of things. Before you move in together I suggest you have a really serious talk about marriage. Don't make it seem like you are pressuring him, but ask him when he feels like marraige would fit into these plans of his. I feel your pain, may bf and I have been together for almost 15 months and there isn't really any talk about engagement or marraige. I'm not in any kind of hurry to get married, but I'm terrified to talk to him because I know he'll think i'm trying to pressure him. But on the other hand, you shouldn't have to wait around after 3 years for this guy if he isn't ready. Your going to have to find out in some way if your just wasting your time. Ask him hypothetically when he would want to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yooper08 Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 We have discussed getting married in depth, He knows I want to get married soon, and he has told me that is what he wants also. I am just confused on what he is waiting for. I really don't want to move in together if we aren't engaged. I think by now he shouldn't be feeling pressure because it is so obvious to everyone that we are going to get married. We started talking about getting married about a year and a half ago. I know he really hated that I smoked and said he would never marry a smoker but I have since quit so I really dont understand the hold up. I just know that after three years if he isn't sure he wants to marry me then it is time for me to let go. I love him so much and we have a really good relationship, but he can say he wants to marry me all he wants but actions speak louder than words! Link to post Share on other sites
ravenstar Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 HA! GOOD LUCK! 12 years as best friends 2 years together 1 year cohabitating STILL NO RING!!! So what's the big deal? I would love to be married. But a faithful, happy, life partner is just as good. Link to post Share on other sites
ravenstar Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 I read that back to myself and it sounds cocky. Not trying to be rude. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 We have discussed getting married in depth, He knows I want to get married soon, and he has told me that is what he wants also. I am just confused on what he is waiting for. I really don't want to move in together if we aren't engaged. I think by now he shouldn't be feeling pressure because it is so obvious to everyone that we are going to get married. We started talking about getting married about a year and a half ago. I know he really hated that I smoked and said he would never marry a smoker but I have since quit so I really dont understand the hold up. I just know that after three years if he isn't sure he wants to marry me then it is time for me to let go. I love him so much and we have a really good relationship, but he can say he wants to marry me all he wants but actions speak louder than words! Yeah, if you read a lot of posts on this site you'll see women posting about how their bfs are saying they want to marry them and all but don't propose. That must be a really difficult thing to be going through. You are right, actions do speak louder than words. Men who want and/or are ready to get married propose, simple as that. Tell him your reservations about moving in together if you are not engaged. Maybe this will kick him into high gear. Don't give it as an ultimatum just say something like "I would really like to get engaged before we move in together because it would make it a lot more special. I think we are at a point where we should take our relationship to the next level." Then ask him what exactly he wants. It sounds to me like he's stalling, you need to find out why. But don't move in with him until you have found an answer. Your resentment will get so much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 HA! GOOD LUCK! 12 years as best friends 2 years together 1 year cohabitating STILL NO RING!!! So what's the big deal? I would love to be married. But a faithful, happy, life partner is just as good. That's the thing....he's not necessarily a life partner and you don't have the commitment from him to prove that he truly intends to be your life partner, way deep down inside, that is. If you wanted to be married, would he love you enough to marry you? If you can't answer "yes" to that question, then you can't call him a life partner. And no, a "life partner," "life-in boyfrend," etc. etc. etc. is not just as good as being married, and it is not the same level of commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I read that back to myself and it sounds cocky. Not trying to be rude. Not to me. It sounds like someone who is trying to convince herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yooper08 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Share Posted October 22, 2007 thanks for the input, my boyfriend came up this weekend we had a good time we talked today and we were talking about the future and me moving and I told him that it makes me uneasy to commit to moving in together if he can't commit to our relationship. He told me that if I would let it go for a while so he can surprise me it would but I feel at this stage it wouldn't even be a surprise if I didn't bring it up for a year. I do believe he has already lost the element of surprise so there really isn't a point in him trying. We have gone ring shopping we are moving in together and have been together for three years. I just have a hard time not bringing it up, I know it frustrates him by me bringing it up all the time but he has no idea what it is like to be in my spot and having him holding back our relationship. GRR don't even know what to do anymore......maybe if I lost my voice for a month that would help. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 thanks for the input, my boyfriend came up this weekend we had a good time we talked today and we were talking about the future and me moving and I told him that it makes me uneasy to commit to moving in together if he can't commit to our relationship. He told me that if I would let it go for a while so he can surprise me it would but I feel at this stage it wouldn't even be a surprise if I didn't bring it up for a year. I do believe he has already lost the element of surprise so there really isn't a point in him trying. We have gone ring shopping we are moving in together and have been together for three years. I just have a hard time not bringing it up, I know it frustrates him by me bringing it up all the time but he has no idea what it is like to be in my spot and having him holding back our relationship. GRR don't even know what to do anymore......maybe if I lost my voice for a month that would help. He feels like you are pressuring him and that is probably what is making him hold back. Play it cool, I know its hard to do. Obviously this guy wants to marry you, just let it happen. May is a long way off, it gives him plenty of time to propose to you. I know its hard to be patient but if he hasn't proposed by May then I think you should ask what the hold up is. Even though you aren't officially engaged I do think he is committed to you so if that is what you are worried about then don't. You are lucky to have a bf who actually knows what he wants. Most 25 year olds aren't even ready to get married or think about proposing. Link to post Share on other sites
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