He can't get over his ex...

[KindaHurt]

Hi

 

I'm 23 years old and my bf's 38. We're living together since november. In october, he talked to me about this ex , who lives in Colorado (we live in Florida),whom he had been hurt so bad for. He broke up with his other ex, and right away , like 2 weeks later he started dating this Colorado woman. They were friends on the internet for about 2 years before then. He thought she was the right one for him. They only met each other about 5 times in person. But that was so strong. She broke up with him because he was not Christian and I don't remember the other reasons. That hurt him so bad. About 1 week later she was dating someone else; they broke up over the phone... he wanted to go to Colorado to try to work things out but she didn't want it... He told me these things crying, last october. And he told me then that he was really sorry that he's taking it out on me, I guess he meant he wasn't ready yet.. I didn't care..

 

In november, going through his things , I saw emails, ICQ messages, letters, pictures, greeting cards.. and things that proved that he was still talking to her.. I didn't know her name then... I talked to him a bout it, he said they were friends... that she was that one he talked to me about.. There was such personal things in those emails that really hurt me...

 

Now, he sends her emails everyday, checks for her emails first thing in the morning, calls her... sent her 15 cds he recorded for her for Christmas... he says they're friends... But I know and so does he, but he's fooling himself, that he still has this connection with her.. he can't let her go... he has to keep this link...

 

Every time he's on the phone with her, he goes out in the street or in the backyard, so that I don't listen to their conversation. He's got a web mail address only to talk to her so that I don't read it (even though I still can check it). When I ask him why, he says that everyone needs some privacy... he's got to talk about some personal things...bla bla... But, we don't talk to each other.. I wait all day long to talk to him to hear from him, but he only gets home and go on the internet, check emails, turn tv on, change channels.. and don't alk to me, don't talk about himself. I told him I wanted us to be best friends.. he says we are.. even thought I don't know anything about him before we met (but I know all about his ex's lives, because this is the only thing he gets so excited to tallk about... his ex's problems).The other day, when he talked to her, I got upset again, and later he sad.. my life is so f***ed up... I have only one friend.. but I can't talk to her because my girlfriend gets mad at me.. That really made me sad, because I want him to have friends.. but his ex!!!???

 

I emailed his ex talking about it, she said she wouldn't consider him her best friend. He told me that, that's maibe the reason they're friends.. she didn't even really care about him, that most of the time it's always her talking about her own problems , and things like that..Why can't he get over her?? I love him, I'm hurt, but I want to help him.. I know he's fooling himself.. How can I help him and our relationship??

 

Thanks,

[No longer...]

Well, from someone who just went through dealing with a woman whose exes were still around, i can tell you that his heart is probably not ready for a commitment with you. It is obviously not ready. You are going to drive yourself absolutely crazy with this thing, if you care deeply about this man. I just went through it and it made me nuts. My ex had to "straighten out" some things with an ex boyfriend, and that situation showed me how much our relationship was not a priority to her. She showed little consideration to my feelings, as this man has obviously not shown any to you. Anyone who would be serious about building a NEW relationship would not still be holding on to an OLD relationship. I firmly believe that someone needs CLOSURE with the past, and he is still obviously holding on. My suggestion? LEAVE. As far as he's concerned, he can still hold on to her and have you around. Make sure he knows how serious this is. Your happiness will most assuredly suffer here. I feel SO much better now that my situation is over -- I can see things much clearer now. Good luck.

Hi I'm 23 years old and my bf's 38. We're living together since november. In october, he talked to me about this ex , who lives in Colorado (we live in Florida),whom he had been hurt so bad for. He broke up with his other ex, and right away , like 2 weeks later he started dating this Colorado woman. They were friends on the internet for about 2 years before then. He thought she was the right one for him. They only met each other about 5 times in person. But that was so strong. She broke up with him because he was not Christian and I don't remember the other reasons. That hurt him so bad. About 1 week later she was dating someone else; they broke up over the phone... he wanted to go to Colorado to try to work things out but she didn't want it... He told me these things crying, last october. And he told me then that he was really sorry that he's taking it out on me, I guess he meant he wasn't ready yet.. I didn't care.. In november, going through his things , I saw emails, ICQ messages, letters, pictures, greeting cards.. and things that proved that he was still talking to her.. I didn't know her name then... I talked to him a bout it, he said they were friends... that she was that one he talked to me about.. There was such personal things in those emails that really hurt me... Now, he sends her emails everyday, checks for her emails first thing in the morning, calls her... sent her 15 cds he recorded for her for Christmas... he says they're friends... But I know and so does he, but he's fooling himself, that he still has this connection with her.. he can't let her go... he has to keep this link...

 

Every time he's on the phone with her, he goes out in the street or in the backyard, so that I don't listen to their conversation. He's got a web mail address only to talk to her so that I don't read it (even though I still can check it). When I ask him why, he says that everyone needs some privacy... he's got to talk about some personal things...bla bla... But, we don't talk to each other.. I wait all day long to talk to him to hear from him, but he only gets home and go on the internet, check emails, turn tv on, change channels.. and don't alk to me, don't talk about himself. I told him I wanted us to be best friends.. he says we are.. even thought I don't know anything about him before we met (but I know all about his ex's lives, because this is the only thing he gets so excited to tallk about... his ex's problems).The other day, when he talked to her, I got upset again, and later he sad.. my life is so f***ed up... I have only one friend.. but I can't talk to her because my girlfriend gets mad at me.. That really made me sad, because I want him to have friends.. but his ex!!!???

 

I emailed his ex talking about it, she said she wouldn't consider him her best friend. He told me that, that's maibe the reason they're friends.. she didn't even really care about him, that most of the time it's always her talking about her own problems , and things like that..Why can't he get over her?? I love him, I'm hurt, but I want to help him.. I know he's fooling himself.. How can I help him and our relationship?? Thanks,

[Totally Confused]

I know you love him, but what do you love about him? What is he doing for you that's so good for you? What are you getting out of this relationship? How is he fulfilling you? Have you ever asked yourself these questions? You seem to be only focusing on him and what he wants and what's good for him. He's not focusing on what's good for you. He's focusing on himself. If he cared at all about anything but himself, he'd leave you and stop torturing you, knowing he felt for another woman.

 

I can tell you right now that he's living in a fantasy world with this woman in Colorado. It seems real to him, but it's not. He doesn't know her. I had a roommate that fell in love with a girl in Calif and we live in NY. They had a long distance for 9 mo. He loved her so much and they'd never even met, just phone calls, pictures and goodie bags. Some of the phone calls were 4 - 5 hours a night. You should have seen the phone bills. Anyway, 9 mo. later (he was ready to move to Calif.) he found out that she had been engaged the whole time. Goes to show you never really know someone. She ended up marrying her fiance 3 mo. later. Your bf is in love with a fantasy, only it seems real to him. If he had her, he'd miss you. he'd realize that she wasn't a reality. You should encourage him to go to her (that would shock him and probably turn him on to you. Men do the opposite of what you tell them. They like to come up with the ideas themselves. It's a pride thing) The sad part is that he is 38 and isn't smart enough to realize that Miss Colorado is a fantasy. You can't love someone that you don't know. You can only be infatuated by them. He knows very little about her, and what he does know, is only what she chooses to tell him. Unfortunately, infatuation is a strong, strong feeling. You're a reality...compared to this fantasy in CO, you're boring. It's not that you yourself are boring, it's that you're not the fantasy. You really exists. Searching for the gold and experiencing the adventure trying to find the gold, is much more exciting than actually finding the gold. Your BF has to figure that out. If you're smart, you'll leave him. Give him what he wants. Stop letting him make you the bad guy that's keeping them apart. Give him CO chick. He won't want it in the end. Because he's built up the fantasy so much, that when he actually gets to know the person she really is, she'll never live up to the fantasy expectation he originally had for her. She's already ruined it for herself. It doesn't seem that way cause you're in the middle of it and she's the competition, but they will never, never, never work out. I promise you that. You are more real than she will ever be. You probably have more power in this situation than you realize. The reason I'm telling you all this, is because I was in the same exact situation, except I wasn't living with the guy. When I left him (after torturing myself) and finally said, go ahead you can have her...I'm sick of the whole thing. He went to her and 3 mo. later came back to me. He told me that being with her wasn't what he thought it would be and that he realized how much he loved and missed everything we'd shared together. We lasted another 2 yrs. But I'd slowly lost respect and love for him and ended up breaking up with him in the end. He still can't let go and it's been 5 yrs.

 

Walking away and showing respect for yourself is the best thing in the world. It makes you more attractive to yourself and others. It shows strength and with strength, things start going your way. You'll hurt a lot, but you'll be proud of yourself and you'll never get yourself into a situation like it again.

 

Good luck and don't ever let anyone treat you like second best. Not when there's a guy out there who will treat you like #1.