Pentula77 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Why do women test men ? ladies what are some of the tests you've thrown at the men in your lives ?
Krytie TV Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I'm just wondering why you think women test men any more than vice versa. I test girls I'm dating now and then. Sometimes you need to know how they'll respond to a situation before you can really know who they are. It's not a matter of being devious or mean, it's just a way for you to glean someone's inner person.
lindya Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 My number one test is to introduce the guy to my most attractive female friend fairly early on. If he makes a pretty display of his lust for her, then I'll write him off as a romantic option. I've been tolerant of that kind of thing in the past, gone against my gut instincts about what kind of guy does that...and I've learned my lesson. People tend to be at their most polite and considerate in the early stages. If a guy's doing the "cor, wouldn't mind a piece of your friend" in the first week, then there's an overwhelming likelihood that things will just get steadily worse with time. Frankness and honesty are wonderful attributes....except when a) they come from a boyfriend, and are in some way unflattering to me or overly flattering of my friends.
shadowofman Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 You should test a potential partner. All humans are liars.
Krytie TV Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Could you be more specific about how exactly you test them? No... it's not a quiz. And it'll just give you more to worry about. Why do people seem to fear being tested? It's not a game. When you're tested, people are just trying to find out who you are. Who the hell doesn't want to know who they're dating? It's not something you study for people. Just be yourself. If they don't like what they see, they'll leave. It's that simple. I'm confused at the responses here actually.
lindya Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 You should test a potential partner. All humans are liars. and No... it's not a quiz. And it'll just give you more to worry about. Why do people seem to fear being tested? It's not a game. When you're tested, people are just trying to find out who you are. Who the hell doesn't want to know who they're dating? It's not something you study for people. Just be yourself. If they don't like what they see, they'll leave. It's that simple. I'm confused at the responses here actually. Exactly. People test eachother out all the time. It's human nature to do that as a method of finding out who a person is. Some people do it unconsciously, others who are more aware of the dynamics of human behaviour will catch themselves doing it. I've been tested out by guys in certain situations. I've sensed them doing it. I used to mind that kind of thing, but now I just see it as sensible - or maybe I'm just no longer afraid of what those "tests" might reveal about me. Trust is something that's earned and that develops over time. Listening to a person tell you "this is who I am" doesn't achieve much. People bum themselves up all the time "I'm honest, straightforward, etc etc". You only find out who they are in practice, rather than who they'd like to be in theory, by testing out their reactions to certain situations.
Lunar Sonata Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 You should test a potential partner. All humans are liars. That's not true. I never lie.
lindya Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 That's not true. I never lie. Never said "fine thanks", even though you didn't really feel fine, when someone asked how you were? Never told a white lie to spare a friend's feelings while they were in a sensitive frame of mind? Never been economical with the truth? Never told a bit of a porky in order to prevent yourself from being physically assaulted? The biggest lies people tell are often the lies they tell themselves about themselves. Or just a simple failure to indulge in brutally honest self examination. Which is why it's sometimes a good idea to test people out - if only to protect yourself (and in some cases them) from certain entrenched but inaccurate illusions they have about themselves..
Author Pentula77 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 My number one test is to introduce the guy to my most attractive female friend fairly early on. If he makes a pretty display of his lust for her, then I'll write him off as a romantic option. I've been tolerant of that kind of thing in the past, gone against my gut instincts about what kind of guy does that...and I've learned my lesson. People tend to be at their most polite and considerate in the early stages. If a guy's doing the "cor, wouldn't mind a piece of your friend" in the first week, then there's an overwhelming likelihood that things will just get steadily worse with time. Frankness and honesty are wonderful attributes....except when a) they come from a boyfriend, and are in some way unflattering to me or overly flattering of my friends. this is a good one... some women will actually hire love detectives to approah their man in a bar for example and see if he's faithful. Is this fair ? I think so.
lindya Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 some women will actually hire love detectives to approah their man in a bar for example and see if he's faithful. Is this fair ? I think so. I personally wouldn't go that far. Too much like entrapment. If I introduce a new man to an attractive friend, I'll be pretty confident that any sexual infatuation that develops on his part won't have been elicited by her. I'm very picky about friends, so I have immense trust in the ones I have. If I think about it, I'd feel a bit hostile to a guy who was raving on about a beautiful friend, because on some level I'd wonder if he was trying to make me jealous of someone I cared about. Trying to set up a bit of competition - that kind of thing. One thing that does occur to me. As indicated by my posts, I've sometimes gone out with men who have met very attractive friends of mine and made no bones about fancying the pants off them. For me that's always raised questions of 1. Are they just being bluntly honest and saying what they feel, regardless of my feelings? 2. Are they testing me out? "How secure is she?" Fine once or twice, but if a guy is continually testing you out in that area it's going to start wearing you down. So is 1. Ultimately the tests are about figuring out whether you'd be happy and comfortable spending a lot of time around that particular person. If so, great - if not, you've applied a test that saves everyone a lot of time and trouble. Good thread, btw Pentula.
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 The biggest lies people tell are often the lies they tell themselves about themselves. Or just a simple failure to indulge in brutally honest self examination. Which is why it's sometimes a good idea to test people out - if only to protect yourself (and in some cases them) from certain entrenched but inaccurate illusions they have about themselves.. Exactly. You can talk the talk but do you suddenly become paraplegic, when walking? Ultimately the tests are about figuring out whether you'd be happy and comfortable spending a lot of time around that particular person. If so, great - if not, you've applied a test that saves everyone a lot of time and trouble. Compatibility is key. If you spend more time fighting, irritated or bored, than enjoying each other's company, why bother?
reelwoman Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I don't consciously test guys and I don't like the idea of laying traps for someone or having them laid for me. I certainly notice things---one thing, for example, that gave me a great impression of a guy I was seeing was when he was describing a woman to me to see if it was the same person I was talking about. She's a VERY heavy woman---well over 200 pounds, but he didn't mention that at all, just said, "does she have really long dark hair, and sort of bee-strung lips and she's really sarcastic?"---I loved that he didnt' automatically think of or mention her weight/body, because that said to me that he's not that kind of shallow guy. I think everyone is different about their "Dealbreaker" stuff, but I think that thinking of it in terms of tests might be counter-productive. Also, people make mistakes, say the wrong things, do stupid things, and that's not always indicative of how they would be in every situation. I would say, trite as it sounds, to just be who you are and be true to yourself. If someone is testing you and looking for some predetermined behavior, then to me that sounds like SHE has issues and maybe you should rethink how stable she is.
reelwoman Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 that love detective thing is kinda sick, I think. I would never do anything like that. Plus, you never know what is going to tempt someone to cheat---not necessarily always some hot person flirting with them, or jsut the chance for sex----sometimes it's a specific person that they connect with, and there's nothing you can do about that. They have to either decide it's more important to be faithful to you or more important to be with that new person---if they try to have both, eventually you should get some clue of that. I've never cheated or had anyone cheat on me ( well, of course I can't know for sure!) but I've been very tempted and it's not just because someone cute came onto me. I think that unless someone is just a chronic cheater or player, most people don't cheat unless there are real problems in the relationship they have. Then cheating is a way to end things without dealing with the real problem. anyway, if anyone tested me like that I would send them packing. I once lived with a guy who was insanely jealous and would test me--he'd find out where I was going after work and then pretend he didnt' know to see if I'd tell the truth----he felt it was evidence of his love but that did NOT fly with me. You need to be secure enough to trust someone until you have reason not to. If you don't trust them or they don't trust you going in, it's only going to get worse, trust me on that! I should have seen the signs with my guy way before we moved in together but I was flattered that he thought I was so attractive he was afraid other guys were trying to get me away from him. NOT so flattering after awhile.....
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 You need to be secure enough to trust someone until you have reason not to. If you don't trust them or they don't trust you going in, it's only going to get worse, trust me on that! Blind trust is naive, at minimum, and damaging, at worst case scenario. I've tried that route and found it to be...detrimental. As for not trusting, going into it, it can get better. It's personality and experience driven. What you experienced was a controlling and insecure personality type, which can't be applied to every person.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 This is a good question, reading everyone's comments I am kind of embarassed that I have never set up a situation or anything like that to test men. I evaluate and am very judgmental in my evaluations, like taking note if he had introduced me to ALL of his friends and co-workers by a certain point, observing interactions, and I've been told I ask many questions, almost to the point of interrogation. I do judge a person's past very much, and am interested in all facets of what makes them tick. I'm more of an avid observer than situation setter upper. Which is surprising, now that I think about it. But I wouldn't consider that testing. Or is it? I am interested in specifics from the guys how they test the girls?? C'mon, 'fess up!
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I'm more of an avid observer than situation setter upper. Which is what I am but I still see it as a form of testing. You slowly open up, instead of letting it all hang out at the beginning.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 that love detective thing is kinda sick, I think. I would never do anything like that. Plus, you never know what is going to tempt someone to cheat---not necessarily always some hot person flirting with them, or jsut the chance for sex----sometimes it's a specific person that they connect with, and there's nothing you can do about that. That is a good point, but like Lindya posted above, it is better to know if the prospective love interest has the integrity one is looking for. Cheating makes it very black and white, but I think most women would rather not date a guy who is drooling on her friends. Even if he never cheats, it's just so wrong. I am astounded by how many girls I have known/read about who had to walk away in tears because of that.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Blind trust is naive, at minimum, and damaging, at worst case scenario. I've tried that route and found it to be...detrimental. As for not trusting, going into it, it can get better. It's personality and experience driven. What you experienced was a controlling and insecure personality type, which can't be applied to every person. TBF, when you say blind trust is naive, do you mean you would never trust another fully and always hold a part of yourself back? Or more like constant evaluations/consistency/intuition checking is more normal these days? On one hand, if anything bad is going down, getting wind of it right before it's happened or 2 months later is still going to hurt immensely. But it is such a strain to always be on the lookout too. Better to just trust fully until given reason not to?
tanbark813 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I am interested in specifics from the guys how they test the girls?? C'mon, 'fess up! Well they're more evaluations than test, IMO, but three I have are: 1. Watching to see if she offers to pay for anything on a date. She doesn't necessarily have to pay, but she should at least offer. 2. Seeing if she answers her phone or texts during the date. Ideally, the phone should never see the light of day (or dark of night, as it were). 3. "The door test", a la A Bronx Tale, modernized for today's remote locks. I always open the car door for a date and then I pay attention to see if she reaches over to unlock mine--which she doesn't actually need to since it will already be unlocked--or if she opens it from the inside. These are also listed in order of importance.
lindya Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 This is a good question, reading everyone's comments I am kind of embarassed that I have never set up a situation or anything like that to test men. I don't know that it's so much a calculated testing process. I think assessing other people's reactions to certain situations is a natural thing to do...and if you think (from previous experiences) that a certain situation is likely to elicit a certain response, it makes sense to get that situation over and done with fairly quickly to see how it goes/get it out of the way.
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 TBF, when you say blind trust is naive, do you mean you would never trust another fully and always hold a part of yourself back? Or more like constant evaluations/consistency/intuition checking is more normal these days? On one hand, if anything bad is going down, getting wind of it right before it's happened or 2 months later is still going to hurt immensely. But it is such a strain to always be on the lookout too. Better to just trust fully until given reason not to? It's not really a strain to be taking notes on patterns of behaviour. It's more a subconscious effort than a predisposition to withhold. Most people don't trust implicitly, the minute they meet someone. Trust is more gradual. Would you give the person on the bus your purse to hold, while you go talk to the bus driver?
Krytie TV Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Well they're more evaluations than test, IMO, but three I have are: 1. Watching to see if she offers to pay for anything on a date. She doesn't necessarily have to pay, but she should at least offer. 2. Seeing if she answers her phone or texts during the date. Ideally, the phone should never see the light of day (or dark of night, as it were). I'm with you on these. I find these to be big indicators of what a woman is like. I also keep an eye out for compliments. Not that I need compliments, but if I'm dating someone for any amount of time, I make sure to notice things about her, and am interested to know if she does the same. Nothing worse than not being noticed.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I don't know that it's so much a calculated testing process. I think assessing other people's reactions to certain situations is a natural thing to do...and if you think (from previous experiences) that a certain situation is likely to elicit a certain response, it makes sense to get that situation over and done with fairly quickly to see how it goes/get it out of the way. I agree, sounds like more avid observing too. Eventually he would have to meet your friends anyway. Barring obvious cleavage staring, it could still be difficult to evaluate when poised for that situation what is merely polite attention to your friend/beyond polite/ too much attention on your friend. Maybe that is just me though, I have trouble with that because, basically, anything that is not 100% attention on me is going to be construed as bad, by me. Is it just staring you look for, or talking about her too much afterwards? Grey areas are confusing.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 It's not really a strain to be taking notes on patterns of behaviour. It's more a subconscious effort than a predisposition to withhold. Most people don't trust implicitly, the minute they meet someone. Trust is more gradual. Would you give the person on the bus your purse to hold, while you go talk to the bus driver? I see what you are saying. But you've mentioned you had blindly trusted before which you regretted, and i was curious what you meant when you said you blindly trusted, compared to now. Am I interrogating again? I just like your insights TBF
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I'm with you on these. I find these to be big indicators of what a woman is like. I also keep an eye out for compliments. Not that I need compliments, but if I'm dating someone for any amount of time, I make sure to notice things about her, and am interested to know if she does the same. Nothing worse than not being noticed. thanks tanbark and krytie, always appreciate the insight into the male mind. These tests sound pretty basic, looking for signs of reciprocated thoughtfulness- nothing too horrible.
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