So what's wrong with me?

[Nikkicita]

Alright, I'm really digging myself into an incredibly deep hole here...

 

In December, two days before Christmas, I had found out that my live-in boyfriend had been cheating on me. Cheating on me online of all places in the form of an email/naked picture/erotic chat club with a woman who lives across the country. I guess it also progressed to phone chat, and they even planned to meet up at one point when she was to travel here on business.

 

He ended it, so he said. He told me that his conscience wouldn't allow him to do it anymore. But he still kept all of the reminders of her in his email and his computer.

 

I knew there was something, but couldn't put my finger on it. He was always online at home and at work, and kind of secretive and obsessive about it.

 

I then found out that she wasn't the only one he toyed with in that arena, but that's all past.

 

Since the confrontation, he's apologized profusely. He doesn't go online at all from home anymore. He supposedly doesn't contact anyone (female) at all anymore. He's gone to confession and according to him, "repented for all the bad he has done". It has been a huge source of anger and fighting between us though. I can't let all of it go, and I don't know why.

 

I do love this guy, but he's my first incredibly serious relationship. Marriage is on the back burner here, but I really don't know if I can go through with it!

 

I am so afraid of him hurting me like that again, but at the same time, I wonder what could have driven him to do that. We have normal couple type problems. I was also very sick (almost died) at the time. I have no idea how anything came about.

 

I haven't made any attempts at revenge or anything. I almost did, but didn't. I'm still angry with him, and her.

 

Any advice?

[Tony T]

First of all, mature adult individuals don't do the revenge thing. If you feel a need to retaliate in some way, get out of the relationship and move on.

 

You need to totally forgive him for what he did, as heinous as it was considering you were ill and just about died at the time. No offense is beyond forgiveness. Then you've got to start building up trust again. This will be a very slow process and you may not want to put in the time but you can't have a close relationship without trust.

 

Until the day you die, any man you may be with will disappoint you in some way. It's because they fall into a class of planet inhabitants known as homo sapiens...human beings. Human beings screw up. You just have to accept that.

 

As for his reason or motivation for carrying on with this lady, you'll have to get that from him. My guess was it was a combination of novelty, curiosity and recreation. Computers and the Internet have provided homo sapiens with new and rapid means for doings things they would have NEVER EVER considered pre-Internet. The anonymity the Internet affords creates a fertile ground for behavior that would otherwise never have been entertained.

 

A lot of this email, IM, picture exchange goes on between ladies and guys who are free and unencumbered and is still an entertainment thing which never goes anywhere.

 

What he did doesn't mean he doesn't love you more than anything in the world, it could mean dozens of things. It could have even been a pathological nervous reaction to your nearness to death as bizarre as that sounds.

 

It seems he has renewed his committment to you. Either accept that and start building the relationship...no more questions...no more conjecture....total forward movement or you should leave him. There's no in between.

 

I do understand your anger but as long as that festers inside of you, the two of you don't have a chance. Professional counselling should help you resolve and discharge that anger, which will certainly help you move forward.

 

The big question is: Would he really have met this lady in person. I personally seriously doubt it. And if he did, I don't think he would have done anything. A lot of men who do this stuff out of curiosity chicken out at that stage.

 

So the ball is in your court. If you can't put this behind you and move on, you will remain stuck and that's not fair to yourself or your guy. You can determine whether or not this is possible by seeing just what his behavior is from this point on...and if the computer is all clear of this garbage.

 

Are you happy in all other ways with the relationship? Is he giving you the kind of attention you require and deserve? Do you still love him in a special way? If you answered yes to all three of these, I think this is certainly worth working on.