wife's weight

[Try2BeSupportive]

Hi all,

I just need to vent about an issue I would NEVER talk about directly with my wife! Since we were married 10 years ago she has gained about 30 pounds (from 125 to 155). I understand that giving birth to 2 babies will take some effort to lose the weight, but honestly the problem is not the kids (not babies anymore) because most of the weight is POST childbirth. The biggest factor is her lifestyle changes. Over the past 5 years she has developed a nightly snack ritual. Combined with her decreased exercise, the weight gain has been a steady 5 pounds each year.

 

I have never ever said a word to her about this but the fact is it really bothers me! I never have been much attracted to non-fit women so I simply am not as attracted to her. Yet I must suffer in silence because I cannot talk to her about it. She knows she has gained weight, even her lady friends have commented. 3 different people (females) have asked when we were expecting our 3rd child but she is not pregnant!

 

A while ago she joined Weight Watchers and over a 2 month period she lost 13 pounds and was working hard and really looking great! I was totally supportive of her efforts and kept praising how good she looked. But for unknown reasons she stopped going. She has since gained back 3 pounds and has resumed her nightly snack ritual.

 

She told me that WeightWatchers mailed her a postcard to ask how she was doing and I kindly asked if she was going back? She said NO I am holding steady and I do not want to live a lifestyle to lose any more weight. If only it were true (holding steady) but I see her lifestyle putting every lost pound right back on, not to mention the extra 20 pounds she already is carrying.

 

Which brings me right back where I started: reduced attraction to a wife who used to be quite thin and active but now seems content with an typical american (overweight) body. I am at BMI 23.4 (right in the middle of Optimal Range) so staying fit has always been very important to me.

 

What should I do??

[LucreziaBorgia]

an issue I would NEVER talk about directly with my wife!

 

I must suffer in silence because I cannot talk to her about it.

 

Why can't you talk to her about it?

 

I never have been much attracted to non-fit women so I simply am not as attracted to her.

 

Are you acting the same as you did when she was fit? If she thinks you are content with her being the way she is, then she will have no real motivation or reason to want to change. She needs to know how you feel. Perhaps not in a brutal or harsh way but in a way that makes it clear how you are feeling, and the consequences her weight gain has on your feelings for her. Some people feel that love should be enough to make you overlook your wife's weight gain - don't let that distract you, or stop you from making your needs clear. There are tactful and civil ways to do that.

 

As for your wife, she may be at a point in her life where she is content with how she looks, has accepted her body the way it is and enjoys a non-restrictive dietary lifestyle. Some women do reach a level of complacency sometimes - they figure they are married, mothers, busy with their lives and dropping the body image obsession is one less monkey on their back.

 

Or... she could be going through depression, and eats out of comfort and helplessly watches her weight go up, and is too emotionally frozen and unmotivated to actually do anything about it. Weight is hard to lose. Once you start going over the 'twenty pound' mark of being overweight, some people see that as unsurmountable because they don't want to diet or exercise, but they don't want to be fat either - so, they get depressed. And eat more figuring "I'm already fat, what's the use now."

 

And you know what? In a case like this - there can be no 'right' or 'wrong' in terms of how each of you is dealing with this.

 

Regardless of how 'right' or 'wrong' either of you are, one thing is certain - the 'right' and 'wrong' need to be set aside and both of you need to communicate how you are really feeling. If you make it about 'right' and 'wrong' then all you will do is argue over that, and nothing will be done about the weight gain, or your diminishing attraction.

 

Is there any way you can set up a session with a counselor or something? An objective third party will help you each say what you are feeling, and will prevent the discussion from focusing on the wrong things.

 

It is vitally important that something be done and your needs for each other clearly communicated NOW, or your marriage will spiral down from here.

[tomwiz]

a BMI of 23.4 is decent, however its by no means great shape, you have some weight to lose to if you wanted to. Why not suggest that you guys go to the gym together or better yet, take a virgerous dance class....its a good workout and you may have more of a workout after ya get home if ya know what i mean

[redfathom]

Brad Pitt and George Clooney are considerded morbidly obese according to a BMI study. Muscle does weigh more then fat and the BMI was created in the 1700's. So if you have a lot of muscle then the rating system for the BMI is not accurate.

 

Not that it changes anything about your wife. This girl I skate with who is 15 and a size 2 was told she was over weight according to ber BMI, what a way to make a 15 year old impressionable girl feel good about her body.

 

How old is your wife?

[Star Gazer]

If she was 155, lost 13 and gained 3, she's 140 pounds. How tall is she? Unless she's super short, that's hardly heavy, IMO. Keep in mind that after ten years and two kids, VERY FEW women will have the same figure they did ten years prior. I think your expectations are too high. In addition, I can't imagine you've maintained a perfect physique all these years.

 

If you want her to lose weight, I'd suggest you make healthy lifestyle changes TOGETHER and incorporate diet and fitness into your life as a COUPLE.

[Try2BeSupportive]

a BMI of 23.4 is decent, however its by no means great shape, you have some weight to lose to if you wanted to.

 

I weight same as my high school sports days. I am 31" waist and wear same size clothes as 25 years ago.

 

If she was 155, lost 13 and gained 3, she's 140 pounds. How tall is she? Unless she's super short, that's hardly heavy, IMO. Keep in mind that after ten years and two kids, VERY FEW women will have the same figure they did ten years prior. I think your expectations are too high. In addition, I can't imagine you've maintained a perfect physique all these years.

 

If you want her to lose weight, I'd suggest you make healthy lifestyle changes TOGETHER and incorporate diet and fitness into your life as a COUPLE.

 

I think your math is off ( 155-13+3 = 145 ) which is +20 pounds since marriage. I work out 3 days/week and am at my ideal weight so there is no real lifestyle change I could legitimately make. She cooks our meals - alot of pork, fruits, fish, vegetables - our diet is already pretty darned good. The one major exception is her evening 400 calorie snacks.

 

How old is your wife?

she is 40, but what difference does that make?

 

I guess my question is how and what to talk with her about this issue?

[Lizzie60]

I don't get it... Why can't you talk about this issue to her?

 

This is strange... you should be honest and open about it... maybe that's what she needs... for you to tell her that you ARE concerned about her health and her weight. Even if she gets mad... she might realized that you're right and you want her to look and feel good.

[Kasan]

I think your math is off ( 155-13+3 = 145 ) which is +20 pounds since marriage. I work out 3 days/week and am at my ideal weight so there is no real lifestyle change I could legitimately make. She cooks our meals - alot of pork, fruits, fish, vegetables - our diet is already pretty darned good. The one major exception is her evening 400 calorie snacks.

 

she is 40, but what difference does that make?

 

I guess my question is how and what to talk with her about this issue?

 

I don't think that you really can talk to her about this without getting her royally po'd.

 

Women's bodies are built to store fat--fact of life.

 

Honestly OP you sound a bit controlling--You do know that there is a good chance that she will gain more weight when she goes through menopause. Another fact of life.

 

20 pounds isn't that much in a 10 year span!

[hotgurl]

how tall is your wife and what size clothes does she wear?

[Kasan]

I don't think that you really can talk to her about this without getting her royally po'd.

 

Women's bodies are built to store fat--fact of life.

 

Honestly OP you sound a bit controlling--You do know that there is a good chance that she will gain more weight when she goes through menopause. Another fact of life.

 

20 pounds isn't that much in a 10 year span!

 

 

I apologize for the controlling comment--(sinking to a LS low here)

 

Your statement--

 

Which brings me right back where I started: reduced attraction to a wife who used to be quite thin and active but now seems content with an typical american (overweight) body.

 

really ticked me off.

 

So what is really going on with you? Is your lack of attraction to her due to a 20 lb weight gain or something else?

 

Is your wife aware that when you married her, gaining weight would be an issue for you?

 

Good luck with your conversation

[redfathom]

At 40 years old and 155lbs depending on her height I don't see it as a big deal. So frm the the time she was 30 to 40 and had two kids she gained 30 lbs. Women are suppose to store fat, the body does this because we need to fat to have kids.

 

Hotgurls questions have the most relevance, weight is not as important as size and height.

 

In order for your wife to lose weight and keep it off she would not only have to adjust her eating and exercise habits once but every year because every year her metabolism slows down.

 

I think expecting her to go back to the weight or size she was when you met her is asking a bit much. Your wife should be able to enjoy life and if she is happy with her body and eating habit then you should be glad she is happy. If she is not happy with her body then support her to help her lose wieght, but it needs to be her decision not your.

 

You want to know how to talk to her about THE issues, but are they YOUR issues or HERS?

[redfathom]

I can see why this subject is so touchy. All people have a right to live there life the way they want and if SHE is OKAY with the extra 20 lbs then she should be okay with it. I myself have a size limit, not a weight limit because I exercise regularlly and am atheletic. I am a size 6 I would never be a size 8. I would just change what I needed to to make sure that does not happen, so I see your point.

 

My point is, that's my decision to make, to be a size 6 or 8 or 20. It's her decision to have the body she wants (while not the body she accepts). For his side he has every right to be upset if he does not find his mate attractive, he can make the decision to be with someone who falls into his BMI cateory of choice, be that a 30 obese or 21 healthy rage. If he is that unhappy then he should tell her and if they can't reach a compromise then maybe they should part ways, if it is that important to him.

 

One man posted on here that he did not mind his wifes weight gain because while her stomach was bigger it was where his kids were created and while her boobs were a little more saggy it was where his kids were fed and he loved his wife for that.

[redfathom]

I am not sure how old your kids are, but since you have been married for 10 years I imagine they are young. Suggestions: You say you exercise 3 days a week, while you are gone doing that, who watches the kids? Maybe you should give up 1-2 days of your exercise schedule to watch the kids so she can go to the gym. Also, maybe ask her, what's more important to her at this stage in life, losing 20 lbs or spending as much time with her family and taking care of them as possible.

[luvmy2ns]

I think the OP is worried that if he says nothing, she will continue her nightly snacking with reckless abandon. So say she balloons to 280 lbs. What then? Does he then have a right to feel a little grossed out at the thought of making love with her? How about 500 lbs? Where is the weight limit where we tell the OP he is allowed to feel the way he does about his wife's weight gain?

 

If your wife cares about how you feel, maybe she'll do something. I don't think the OP is expecting Gisele Bundchen, but he also doesn't feel like having Mrs. Sprat for a wife.

[redfathom]

I think if he talks to her about how it makes him feel it will go bad. If he talks to her about how she feels and his concern for HER health then she will take it well. What I said was, everyone involved has a right to own their feelings including him as her husband. Sure he has a right to feel grossed out, but he asked for soultions.

 

She told me that WeightWatchers mailed her a postcard to ask how she was doing and I kindly asked if she was going back? She said NO I am holding steady and I do not want to live a lifestyle to lose any more weight. If only it were true (holding steady) but I see her lifestyle putting every lost pound right back on, not to mention the extra 20 pounds she already is carrying.

 

What she is saying is the lifestyle I would need to live to lose weight is to much work and overwhelming. I would not say that means that she does not care about his feelings.

[luvmy2ns]

I think if he talks to her about how it makes him feel it will go bad. If he talks to her about how she feels and his concern for HER health then she will take it well. What I said was, everyone involved has a right to own their feelings including him as her husband. Sure he has a right to feel grossed out, but he asked for soultions.

 

What she is saying is the lifestyle I would need to live to lose weight is to much work and overwhelming. I would not say that means that she does not care about his feelings.

 

He asked for solutions. If he tries to tell her how he feels, you predict it will go bad. He already knows how she feels. She doesn't care. So if he doesn't tell her how he feels, how is he ever going to know whether she does care about his feelings or not? Furthermore, what could possibly be the solution? Obviously, she's going to clue in that he has thoughts regarding her weight if he brings it up at all.

 

I don't know what to tell you, OP. I do, however, feel she should care whether you find her desirable or not. I know that I, for one, would be pretty unhappy if my other half started snacking every night and kept piling pounds on, thinking it shouldn't matter to me because I luuuuuuuuve him.

[redfathom]

I think she cares but feels overwhelmed, losing 20 lbs is a lot especially for a wife and mother of two to find time. He should encourage her to be healthy, just not say, I think you should lose weight to please me. Rather, I think you would be happier if you lost some weight.

[Mustang Sally]

This is a tough one.

 

You have a woman who I doubt will react well to being told you think she has too much weight on her. I don't know very many women who aren't acutely aware of their true overweight-ness or physical imperfections.

 

Even if you put the slant on it that you are just concerned for her health...she may very well interpret that as you finding her unattractive, etc... and this could build large (irrational?) resentments in her.

 

But, on the other hand, if you are truly having your attraction to her affected...well...then it does seem like she has a right to know about it. As do you have a right to tell her about it. If you don't, then YOU will be the one building the resentment.

 

And I'm not entirely sure that you don't have the prerogative to feel unattracted to her if she gains a fair amount of weight. I mean, who among us has the right to tell you what is acceptable for you to feel attracted to or not?

 

Although, as a woman who scrutinizes her own body flaws to a great degree, I would hope that you are reasonably forgiving towards your W regarding her bodily imperfections...she is aging, as we all do, and has carried and birthed your two children, after all.

 

So, after all this back-and-forth I've done, I guess I would say maybe you could talk to her about wanting to make some family lifestyle changes - for health reasons. Your kids can participate as well, to a degree. You could try to have family exercise together - walking or running at the track together, or swimming together at the Y. These are fun things that make exercise seem like less of a burden and everyone can participate together.

 

You could make a family plan to prepare even more healthful meals at home - heck, kids can participate in this too. (My 11 yr old makes one family meal per week - she loves it! It teaches her about planning, cooking, math, nutrition, etc...). And you could make a snack plan for the whole family that is healthy - i.e. fruit/veggies/other low cal snacks - again with the family's health in mind.

 

Just some "food" for thought (pun intended)!

Good luck.

[Try2BeSupportive]

I expected (and got) many responses along the lines of just accept the fact that gaining weight is totally normal at age 40 etc. If that is your belief then I will not try to convince anyone they are wrong. But personally I do NOT buy into the idea that age and weight go together. I do not accept weight gain for myself, and I am not attracted to weight gain in my partner.

 

Yes it is her body and her choice. And if she is happy at her weight, then in some ways good for her. BUT the problem is my attraction is now hanging by a thread and with her current eating habits I predict by christmas she will have gained and exceed her previous 155. I am sorry if this offends anybody but from 125 to 155 is a significant change in appearance. And I am struggling here to decide what I should do about it. It is MY problem not hers, unless and until I discuss this with her.

 

Do I try to change her mind about accepting her own weight gain?

Do I just quietly stop having sex with her (already pretty infrequent)?

Do I file for divorce and never explain why?

Do I have sex but pretend I am attracted when actually I am not?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

since when is "a lot of pork" a good diet?

 

and BMI is outdated, you simply cannot go by that anymore.

 

i know you're perfect and all now () but what if you start to wrinkle and get all old-man saggy-baggy? will you go under the knife? or are you using creams and lotions and potions to keep you as you've always been?

 

just wondering.

 

maybe it would help to try remembering all the things that attracted you to her beyond her looks...or was there ever anything else?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do I try to change her mind about accepting her own weight gain?

Do I just quietly stop having sex with her (already pretty infrequent)?

Do I file for divorce and never explain why?

Do I have sex but pretend I am attracted when actually I am not?

 

How about 'none of the above' and try this one:

 

take your wife to counseling and bring the issue up with a marriage counselor. Let her know that you are losing your attraction and therefore your emotional investment in the marriage and that you are beginning to consider divorce. If you do it through an objective third party, then you are more likely to discuss the issue at hand, and less likely to argue over stuff that is peripheral to the issue.

 

Regardless of what people think about weight gain and whether or not its normal or acceptable - one thing is clear: its causing you to consider checking out and your wife needs to know this so that the two of you can come to some sort of compromise.

 

I'm telling you though - if you try to do this on your own, you will get nothing but anger for being 'shallow' and 'unsupportive' and your needs will not even factor into the equation except to be reminded of how 'wrong' they are.

 

Don't look at it as a fat issue. Look at it as a 'I am close to divorcing and we need to fix this' issue. If you focus on the definition of 'fat', then you take the focus off of why you are here at all. A good counselor will keep the conversation focused on needs, not on the nature of what constitutes 'fat'.

[Star Gazer]

Since you say that her problem primarily lies with her consumption of late night snacks, from now on when she's about to reach for the ice cream, why don't you distract her with a different type of snack? You, perhaps?

[Fun2BMe]

 

Do I try to change her mind about accepting her own weight gain?

 

Since you've never expressed to her that you don't like her weight gain, you don't know if it'll take 'changing her mind' about it because chances are she might on her own decide to lose the weight if she finds out it is turning you off.

 

Do I just quietly stop having sex with her (already pretty infrequent)?

Do you honestly think that will solve the problem you are having? Or will it make matters worse? It'll make your situation even worse unless sex is not important and you can live the rest of your life without it.

 

Do I file for divorce and never explain why?

What if there was something about you that was turning her off. Would you rather she at the very least tell you about it, or would you want to come home one day only to see that she's moved out without an explanation. Do you want to ruin your entire life and the life of your children by doing such a cowardly thing? Without at the least telling her how you feel? Do you think she'll be more upset that you don't like her weight or more upset that after 10 years and 2 children her husband divorced her with no explanation?

 

 

Do I have sex but pretend I am attracted when actually I am not?

Not unless you want the situation to continue and live in it without finding a solution. Obviously the only way you can find a solution is to first talk to her about how you feel. She's not going to bite your head off or leave you. Maybe you're scared she'll be so upset that she'll initiate no longer having sex, that she'll initate a divorce or she'll pretend to feel like it doesn't bother her how you feel. That's why you want to initiate all those things first to save YOUR feelings from her doing those things to you, but at the end of the day all you'll be doing is inflicting onto her what you don't want done to you.

 

Try to be in a very sensitive, empathetic state of mind and cautiously but caringly talk to her about her weight, how it has been making you feel and what solutions she recommends and steps she might volunteer to take, including exercise, diet and couple's therapy. You might suggest she replace her current late night snack of choice with a healthier alternative such as fruits or vegetables or butterfree popcorn instead of making her feel guilty and cutting it out completely, which will create tension and resentment.

 

Maybe google something on late night snacking and educate yourself on the health consequences such as weight gain and difficulty sleeping. Then the next time she starts getting her snack, tell her you recentlly read such and such and are concerned about her health, that you've noticed it is the cause of her weight gain ever since she stopped her weight watchers, and kindly suggest healthier alternatives. You can volunteer to be in charge of her late night snack. It can be something fun and rewarding for the both of you since you'll be participating in her diet and she'll feel like you care and understand instead of straight out telling her she's fat and you're not longer attracted to her.

[brothermartin]

The only response I can give is SO WHAT. If you love your wife for who she is and not for how she looks, it should'nt be an issue. I can understand if her weight became so out of sorts that it posed a real health risk for her. But this just sound like your being a little shallow. But you probably should'nt listen to me. I like what is considered "overweight" women.

[sunshinegirl]

Try to be in a very sensitive, empathetic state of mind and cautiously but caringly talk to her about her weight, how it has been making you feel

 

Maybe you could work in something about what, specifically, you used to be attracted to in her - specific body parts, a silhouette, her limberness (?), etc. So she is reminded that it is HER that you want, her that you have been attracted to, her that you want to be attracted to again...

 

...and maybe something about how you didn't realize how important those things about her were to your physical attraction...?

 

I don't know - I'm no expert, just throwing a few ideas out there. I'm trying to imagine what would help me hear the message well if my SO needed to address the topic with me.

 

I share the same concern somebody else mentioned that if you frame it ONLY in health terms, she'll hear right through that to the real underlying reason of your loss of attraction. And then she'll get pissed that you're trying to pass it off as a different issue. So you might as well talk about the real issue from the get-go. Make sense?