wife's weight

[Oregon Blackberry]

I think you need to look at yourself and realize what you really love about her. Love isn't about weight. 155 really isn't overweight or obese. On a 5'7" woman it is still considered in the "normal" range. Lots of women about that weight look really beautiful and curvy, really work it and it works for them. That is not fat! I'm sure lots of men would think your wife looks great! I think maybe you should try to view her in a different perspective. She is not the 125 pound woman you married, she is the sexy 150 pound, mature beauty you now have, who is wiser and sexier than ever!

[redfathom]

Do I file for divorce and never explain why?

 

You would really break up your marriage, have yours kids live with out a mother and father together because your wife put on weight. That is pretty messed up and you would do it without giving her an explantaion. Wen you file for divorce you have to give a reason, what reason would you give?

 

I think you should make a compromise, if she gains more weight you get to divorce her and if you go bald or loss some hair she divorces you.

 

Honestly, I think she deserves to be with someone who will love her for being the person she is. Being married to someone for 10 years and having kids with them, then wanting to divorce them because of 30 lbs is pretty shallow. Not only are you condisering walking out on your marriage because of 30lbs but you would be hurting your kids. Wow!!

 

You would be willing to give up your home, family everything you promised to cherish over 30lbs. You seem to give up pretty easy, if I was your wife I would not feel it worth the effort to lose the weight for someone like you.

[Mustang Sally]

I gave some suggestions in my earlier post....don't know if they would apply to your situation or not.

 

But...

It really sounds to me that what you are struggling with is "loss of attraction" and some sexual issues in your M (sounds like you dislike the too low frequency of sex, by your last post). And that you are blaming your W's weight for this. Which certainly may be a contributing factor (I have experienced something similar, myself).

 

However, I would also bet there are other issues in the M that are likely contributing to your "loss or attraction." Communication problems? Loss of common interests? Plain, old, middle age?

 

What do you think, OP?

[Kamille]

She does sound like she is rather confortable with her body - which makes it hard for me to understand why you hesitate bringing up this issue so much.

 

Why not bring it up by saying that you do worry that she will only keep gaining more weight is she keeps on with the night-snacks and then suggest some healthy alternatives? (Healthy yummy snacks abound, especially in organic grocery stores).

 

Yes this will likely open the can of worms and she will wonder what this says about your level of attractions to her. You've been married 10 years, have two kids. I think you could be honest with her and tell her that your worry is playing games with your level of attraction to her. She won't like it - but at least she will have the possibility to talk back.

[Kasan]

This thread has disturbed me on several levels. By the OPs statement, she has only gained 20 lbs.

 

He never answered how tall she was, but by my calculations her weight would cause her to go one size up. Could this be a problem down the road--yes. Will the weight gain continue--maybe not!

 

OP, were you attracted to her when she was pregnant? I am sure there was a significant weight gain then.

 

It has been mentioned by another poster that you were being shallow--you feel what you feel, but I think your expectations about what your wife should look like as she ages is a bet skewed. We will lose our hair, teeth, and gain weight, and in the end we won't be attractive to anyone at all.

 

We are fed a bunch of bull by the media of what our body should look like. Does my husband look like he did when we first met? Of course not--but I can tell you that he could melt into a blob of mush on the floor and I would still love him--so I wonder OP is there something more going on here?

 

Throwing around the term divorce is pretty harsh for someone who has gained 20 pounds. LB and several others are right though--you need to make your wife aware of your feelings--she should have the right to make the same decision as you whether or not she wants to stay should you lose your hair or gain weight.

[luvmy2ns]

How dare all you people tell the OP what should or should not turn him off sexually!

 

And, no kidding we get wrinkles and such as we age! Did the OP say anything about hair or wrinkles? Weight gain is a matter of choice, unless there is some medical issue.

 

Part of the issue about an inordinate amount of weight gain, for me, is the lack of self control that it takes. Kinda turns me off.

[Fun2BMe]

Weight gain is a matter of choice, unless there is some medical issue.

I don't know of anyone who chooses to gain weight unless they are medically too underweight.

 

Part of the issue about an inordinate amount of weight gain, for me, is the lack of self control that it takes. Kinda turns me off.

She gained an average of 2 pounds/year (20 pounds in 10 years) including giving birth to two babies! Get real woman! That's called natural, not an inordinate amount of weight.

 

You'd probably expect a pre-puberty person of the same height to weigh the same after puberty? Or a girl of 20 to weigh the same at 40 with the same curves? It's possible with diet, exercise and plastic surgery in some cases, but not the average person and she didn't sign up for it before getting married to him nor can she read his mind especially if he is pretending to feel attracted to her and pretending to be ok with her weight!

 

He has NEVER told her how he feels about her weight, and you have the license to judge her as having lack of self control, when she started weight watchers but obviously since her husband PRETENDS he is into her, she thought she didn't need to lose weight. Maybe she thought it would turn him off! He is being unreasonable, even considering divorcing her with NO EXPLANATION, and you see it as her problem for not having self control??????

[KenzieAbsolutely]

How dare all you people tell the OP what should or should not turn him off sexually!

 

And, no kidding we get wrinkles and such as we age! Did the OP say anything about hair or wrinkles? Weight gain is a matter of choice, unless there is some medical issue.

 

Part of the issue about an inordinate amount of weight gain, for me, is the lack of self control that it takes. Kinda turns me off.

 

 

my point was more that you're supposed to love the whole package. it doesn't seem like anything about her matters besides her weight. something is way off about that. that's all.

[redfathom]

I am still curious to know how tall this women is and what size her clothes are. And the wrinkles was to put the whole aging concern into perspective. I am sorry but as women age they do put on weight and it becomes harder to keep off. When she has two kids and a family to juggle (I am not sure if she also works) that can put a strain on someone. Your breast alone are can gain 2-3 lbs each during pregancy. So take into account that she put on let's say 30 lbs during each pregnancy (and that weight it hard to get off because women are suppose to store extra fat after birth to help nurtur there babies) then 2 pounds a year is expected. Sure she can do something now to try to take that off, but besides the OP telling her that he does not find her attractive what else is he going to do?

[luvmy2ns]

I don't know of anyone who chooses to gain weight unless they are medically too underweight.

 

She is choosing the nightly fatty snacks. THAT is her choice.

 

Now settle down a little, wouldja?

[Fun2BMe]

She is choosing the nightly fatty snacks. THAT is her choice.

 

Now settle down a little, wouldja?

 

Well, he did say that her snacks are about 400 calories, which come on,that's so nothing. I am at a perfect weight and if I have a pint of Haagen Daaz choc. ice cream at night, I just looked on the package and it comes to 1,080 calories. I sometimes will have instead a bag of chips or cookies or whatever that have similarly high calories. I'm not going to claim she has no self control over a night time snack which almost all adults have, but most of them have it at twice the number of calories as her.

 

I'm more annoyed at his lack of communication than her few pounds. He should read the book "Don't Ssweat The Small Stuff" and see the bigger picture and take his faults into consideration too into the equation. I think she has more right to be mad at him for considering divorcing her or no longer having sex with her while not expressing the reasons behind it, than she does for a 400 calorie snack. Seriously!

[luvmy2ns]

I completely agree that to not say anything to her about it, yet be considering divorce, is not logical, nor is it kind. But it's very difficult to bring up a subject like his to your other half. How, exactly. to word it. That's the problem.

 

Oh, and if I ate a pint of Haagen Daz, I might as well just smear it on my arse! lol

[redfathom]

Re: Self control: Gaining 2 lbs a year means she takes in 7,000 calories more annually then she expends. So break that down, that's 19 calories a day that she takes in that she does not use.

[luvmy2ns]

Everyone seems to be assuming that these pounds piled on neatly at the same rate, day for day. I'm betting there was a period of time when no pounds accrued, then many in a shorter time span.

 

What it all boils down to is calorie input vs. output. If a person simply walks a few miles, takes the stairs instead of the elevator more, play with the kids instead of watch TV, etc...

[redfathom]

The OP actually stated 20 lbs in 10 years and also stated 5lbs steady over the past five years (but that she lost some weight then gained some back). So according to the OP it has been steady. I don't think I can post more on this because we seem to be on opposite sides of the fence over an post we don't have enough info about. I hope the OP can shead some more light on the issue.

[Faith4u]

My first question is: Are you active?

Are you thin?

 

Sorry if I am starting like that but she may see that you are

not better looking and is permetting herself to let go.

 

Also, she might not see at all that you are repulsed by it and I think

you should tell her that it is imoirtant for both of you to find activities that keeps your cardiovascular system in shape. Without telling her that you need to fix her weight. you know what i mean?

 

You can also, find a nutrition seminar and tell her about it, you can both go, and learn what you should eat and avoid. That is benefiical to the kids too so she will feel that she is learning not only for her but for the family.

 

I am myself in the fitness industry and believe I do not like un-active people and I can not live around them. Also, I am not attracted to overweight people that are un-active. Some carry weight but are very active and they live well, there energy is great but again, that is rare.

 

Talk to her by bringing her solutions and reflect on how you want to talk to her by putting yourself in her shoes. How would you want to be approached by it?

 

Hi all,

I just need to vent about an issue I would NEVER talk about directly with my wife! Since we were married 10 years ago she has gained about 30 pounds (from 125 to 155). I understand that giving birth to 2 babies will take some effort to lose the weight, but honestly the problem is not the kids (not babies anymore) because most of the weight is POST childbirth. The biggest factor is her lifestyle changes. Over the past 5 years she has developed a nightly snack ritual. Combined with her decreased exercise, the weight gain has been a steady 5 pounds each year.

 

I have never ever said a word to her about this but the fact is it really bothers me! I never have been much attracted to non-fit women so I simply am not as attracted to her. Yet I must suffer in silence because I cannot talk to her about it. She knows she has gained weight, even her lady friends have commented. 3 different people (females) have asked when we were expecting our 3rd child but she is not pregnant!

 

A while ago she joined Weight Watchers and over a 2 month period she lost 13 pounds and was working hard and really looking great! I was totally supportive of her efforts and kept praising how good she looked. But for unknown reasons she stopped going. She has since gained back 3 pounds and has resumed her nightly snack ritual.

 

She told me that WeightWatchers mailed her a postcard to ask how she was doing and I kindly asked if she was going back? She said NO I am holding steady and I do not want to live a lifestyle to lose any more weight. If only it were true (holding steady) but I see her lifestyle putting every lost pound right back on, not to mention the extra 20 pounds she already is carrying.

 

Which brings me right back where I started: reduced attraction to a wife who used to be quite thin and active but now seems content with an typical american (overweight) body. I am at BMI 23.4 (right in the middle of Optimal Range) so staying fit has always been very important to me.

 

What should I do??

[Faith4u]

As a fitness pro here is what I suggest:

 

1. 5 times a week (30mn cardio workout per day)

2. 2 per week- light wight lifting program

3. No eating after 8pm- Veggies if she likes.

THE GOOD NEWS: She can cheat on the program and the nutrition ONCE per week where she eats any meal or junk she wants BUT ONLY ONCE per week

5. Avoid processed food. High in sodium foods that are stored generally in cans.

6. Avoid WHITE breads that can turn in to sugar quickly and are not processed by the system. Rye bread etc... for example.

7. If she likes chocolate, have it 60% cocoa or more, black. You can only have a square and you are full with that.

8. Avoid eating after 8PM

9. Avoid sweet cocktails + alcohool ( that adds more sugar to it)

If she wants alcohool wine in moderation or hard stuff in moderation.

 

I can list a lot of things but these can help

If you have questions, let me know

 

it works.

 

Hi all,

I just need to vent about an issue I would NEVER talk about directly with my wife! Since we were married 10 years ago she has gained about 30 pounds (from 125 to 155). I understand that giving birth to 2 babies will take some effort to lose the weight, but honestly the problem is not the kids (not babies anymore) because most of the weight is POST childbirth. The biggest factor is her lifestyle changes. Over the past 5 years she has developed a nightly snack ritual. Combined with her decreased exercise, the weight gain has been a steady 5 pounds each year.

 

I have never ever said a word to her about this but the fact is it really bothers me! I never have been much attracted to non-fit women so I simply am not as attracted to her. Yet I must suffer in silence because I cannot talk to her about it. She knows she has gained weight, even her lady friends have commented. 3 different people (females) have asked when we were expecting our 3rd child but she is not pregnant!

 

A while ago she joined Weight Watchers and over a 2 month period she lost 13 pounds and was working hard and really looking great! I was totally supportive of her efforts and kept praising how good she looked. But for unknown reasons she stopped going. She has since gained back 3 pounds and has resumed her nightly snack ritual.

 

She told me that WeightWatchers mailed her a postcard to ask how she was doing and I kindly asked if she was going back? She said NO I am holding steady and I do not want to live a lifestyle to lose any more weight. If only it were true (holding steady) but I see her lifestyle putting every lost pound right back on, not to mention the extra 20 pounds she already is carrying.

 

Which brings me right back where I started: reduced attraction to a wife who used to be quite thin and active but now seems content with an typical american (overweight) body. I am at BMI 23.4 (right in the middle of Optimal Range) so staying fit has always been very important to me.

 

What should I do??

[KenzieAbsolutely]

As a fitness pro here is what I suggest:

 

1. 5 times a week (30mn cardio workout per day)

2. 2 per week- light wight lifting program

3. No eating after 8pm- Veggies if she likes.

THE GOOD NEWS: She can cheat on the program and the nutrition ONCE per week where she eats any meal or junk she wants BUT ONLY ONCE per week

5. Avoid processed food. High in sodium foods that are stored generally in cans.

6. Avoid WHITE breads that can turn in to sugar quickly and are not processed by the system. Rye bread etc... for example.

7. If she likes chocolate, have it 60% cocoa or more, black. You can only have a square and you are full with that.

8. Avoid eating after 8PM

9. Avoid sweet cocktails + alcohool ( that adds more sugar to it)

If she wants alcohool wine in moderation or hard stuff in moderation.

 

I can list a lot of things but these can help

If you have questions, let me know

 

it works.

 

as an english pro, i must tell you, it's "inactive", not un-active.

 

those are great tips, thanks for sharing.

[Oregon Blackberry]

Everyone seems to be assuming that these pounds piled on neatly at the same rate, day for day. I'm betting there was a period of time when no pounds accrued, then many in a shorter time span.

 

What it all boils down to is calorie input vs. output. If a person simply walks a few miles, takes the stairs instead of the elevator more, play with the kids instead of watch TV, etc...

 

Umm, yeah, this woman is not obese and not even overweight though. She doesn't have a weight problem.

Look at Meryl Streep...she looks absolutely fabulous in her 50's and is a size 12 to 14.

I'm sure her husband thinks she is beautiful. I'm sure many men who saw the movie The Devil Wears Prada thought she was beautiful.

Love is not about weight. You stay in love with someone through thick and thin. I agree that this is not to do with his wife's weight. He is very shallow for thinking that and wanting to so easily consider divorce when his beautiful wife simply has gained a few pounds. If he loved her in the first place, 20 pounds (or more) would not be enough to fall out of love for.

[Oregon Blackberry]

How dare all you people tell the OP what should or should not turn him off sexually!

 

And, no kidding we get wrinkles and such as we age! Did the OP say anything about hair or wrinkles? Weight gain is a matter of choice, unless there is some medical issue.

.

 

Well, you obviously have wrinkles, quite a bit around the eyes. What if your SO started being turned - off sexually because of this and the thought of your wrinkles made him not want to have sex with you anymore? what if he said "You need to have complete facial surgery, botox, breast lift, the works" in order for me to be attracted sexually to you again and for me to not break up with you. I am NOT attracted to you anymore."

Think about it.

[Try2BeSupportive]

I am overwhelmed by the # of questions and will just try to respond adhoc:

 

She is 5'6"

 

I am not seriously thinking about divorce, I just do not know what to do!!

 

Wrinkles, losing teeth, greying hair, hairloss, etc are natural forms of aging and cannot be avoided. Weight gain IS NOT a natural part of aging so can somebody please explain why give an apples to oranges comparison?

 

I already said this (2X already) but many have kept asking about my weight - I am on the low end of weight for my height. I am very active physically, easily fit my marriage tuxedo (31" waist).

 

I have no intention of lying to her about health issues, either I will talk to her directly about my own issue (loss of attraction) or I will say nothing at all.

 

If I do talk to her I predict she will not take this conversation well. She is easily hurt and immediately gets defensive. So if I do talk with her I need to be prepared for the worst.

 

Many have said things like "10 years of marriage" ... "parenting 2 kids" .. "age 40" ... as if those things caused her to gain weight? And why is that I am all those things (no childbirth, but a parent) yet I have not gained weight? Please provide a medical reference that shows these factors cause weight gain. Everything I read says weight is purely a matter of calories in / out.

 

So I am called shallow for being unattracted to a lifestyle of eating alot but no exercise? When the girl I married was very active and very thin? How is it I am at fault here? I am not asking her to change.... I am asking her to STOP CHANGING. Her current behavior is a change from our first several years together.

[Oregon Blackberry]

see, you are in the next stage of life, when you love someone, you accept the next "phase," in fact you embrace it. Sometimes that includes a fuller figure. You love someone through thick and thin, literally.

You need to start thinking of her as a curvy, sexy woman. She is sexier and better than ever! Like Meryl Streep, as I was mentioning. Your wife has appeared to become more confident in herself. She knows she looks great whether she's at the weight she is now or 20 pounds thinner. Accept this confident, beautiful, more mature, sexy woman or divorce her and let her get snatched up by a man who will appreciate her beauty, maturity, and sexiness! Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep!

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. I have no intention of lying to her about health issues, either I will talk to her directly about my own issue (loss of attraction) or I will say nothing at all.

 

If I do talk to her I predict she will not take this conversation well. She is easily hurt and immediately gets defensive. So if I do talk with her I need to be prepared for the worst.

 

2. Please provide a medical reference that shows these factors cause weight gain. Everything I read says weight is purely a matter of calories in / out.

 

 

1. If you do talk to her, please consider an objective third party to help you. If you try it on your own, she will listen but will not hear what she needs to hear. She will only hear the "you are fat" part, and react with anger.

 

2. As woman age, they gain weight naturally because of changes in hormones and thyroid function - which in turn affect the way the body stores and metabolizes what it takes in. Its a fact of being a woman. The only way to counter it is to adjust the diet, and step up the exercise.

[whichwayisup]

Start walking everynight with your wife. Make it an evening routine for you two to have alone time. That will get her out of the house for some exercise, AND prevent her from having those snacks.

 

I think though, you need to tell her how you feel. NOT that you aren't attracted to her like you used to be, just tell her you're concerned about her eating habits, her health and let her know this concern is because you don't want anything bad to happen to her.

 

Change the diet in the household. Eat healthier together as a family. Have alot of active outings on the weekends with your kids....

[Lizzie60]

I just read the whole thread and my concern is not as much the fact that she has gained 20 lbs already... I'm sure she's not obese... but if she keeps eating like she does... she will eventually become obese.

 

NO ONE gets obese overnight... it takes years of eating and being sedentary...

 

If I were you I would have a serious talk with her.. and if nothing change I would either:

 

divorce because I'm not attracted to her and I don't believe in staying with someone just for the heck of it.. if the kids are adults...

 

stay in the marriage and get a lover on the side for my sexual needs...