wife's weight

[hotgurl]

Since when is being a size 6 after kids unrealistic? I see plenty of size 6 mothers and even grandmothers. The only reason I mentioned her dress size is it was asked repeatedly. .

 

I was thinking about hips. After kids your hips widen. I am personally a 8/10 and trying to get down to a size 6 but me hips are wide.

 

Yes, lots of people choose food over physique. And lots of people (like me) take better care of our bodies. And until recently, my wife did too. Obviously her priorities have changed - this bothers me a great deal..

 

this is what IO am concerned about. I think she has more goin gon than just snacking. it sounds like a mild depression to me. I think it you focus on why her habits have changed the weight will take care of itself.

 

This is what some posters are pointing out you seem to be very focused on her apperance but are faliling to realize the snaking and weight gain are a symptom of a bigger issue. So fix the underlying issue.

 

Why don't you bring it up to her. I would take a tack similar to this.

 

Honey, I have noticed that some of your habits have changed recently. You seem to be (I don't know exactly what to say here maybe that she is negelecting yourself. Or that she seems apathetic just don't say letting herself go.) I am worried about you. Are you feeling down? Is there anything you want to talk about?

 

This opens up a dialog as to why her habits have changed and she seems to be negelecting herself yet you aren't focusing on her weight which is obviously sensitive. Myabe she is stressed with the kids or is unhappy being a SAHM. But if you don't ask you won't know.

 

Usually peoples habits don't change suddenly unless something else is going on.

[luvmy2ns]

"I think it you focus on why her habits have changed the weight will take care of itself."

 

"So fix the underlying issue."

 

Why is this his job? Only she can "fix" her underlying issues. He can talk with her about them, and once ID'd, he can certainly be a part of the "fix," but a person has to want to "fix" their own problem before any one else can be of any assistance whatsoever.

 

Why don't you bring it up to her. I would take a tack similar to this.

 

Honey, I have noticed that some of your habits have changed recently. You seem to be (I don't know exactly what to say here maybe that she is negelecting yourself. Or that she seems apathetic just don't say letting herself go.) I am worried about you. Are you feeling down? Is there anything you want to talk about?

 

This opens up a dialog as to why her habits have changed and she seems to be negelecting herself yet you aren't focusing on her weight which is obviously sensitive. Myabe she is stressed with the kids or is unhappy being a SAHM. But if you don't ask you won't know.

 

This is good advice and may help draw out some information regarding how she is feeling and how he may help. In the end, though, we all have to take ultimate responsibility for our own issues.

[hotgurl]

Why is this his job? Only she can "fix" her underlying issues. He can talk with her about them, and once ID'd, he can certainly be a part of the "fix," but a person has to want to "fix" their own problem before any one else can be of any assistance whatsoever.

 

obviously it is her job to fix the problem. Even if it is just a weight issue. It is still her job.

 

But don't you think as a spouse it is his job to support her in her efforts to change. And I think part of that is bringing up the subject with her.

 

If your spouse changed his habits suddenly wouldn't you be concerned and bring it up. Also she may just need a nudge.

 

I recently lost a lot of weight but I did have to do it myself. While my BF always supported me and cheered me on it was me doing the work. Also I had to be ready to lose the weight that took some time. While my BF never said I was fat or needed to shape up he did share his concern for my health and anytime I expressed unhappiness at my own weight he always encouraged me to do something about it if I wasn't happy.

 

But her never said I was fat or need to lose weight or critizied my habits. He just encouraged healthier ones.

[luvmy2ns]

obviously it is her job to fix the problem. Even if it is just a weight issue. It is still her job.

 

But don't you think as a spouse it is his job to support her in her efforts to change. And I think part of that is bringing up the subject with her.

 

If your spouse changed his habits suddenly wouldn't you be concerned and bring it up. Also she may just need a nudge.

 

I recently lost a lot of weight but I did have to do it myself. While my BF always supported me and cheered me on it was me doing the work. Also I had to be ready to lose the weight that took some time. While my BF never said I was fat or needed to shape up he did share his concern for my health and anytime I expressed unhappiness at my own weight he always encouraged me to do something about it if I wasn't happy.

 

But her never said I was fat or need to lose weight or critizied my habits. He just encouraged healthier ones.

 

You said what I already said. SHE needs to fix the problem, but he CAN encourage her.

 

As for what your boyfriend said or didn't say about your weight, he didn't say any of those things - to you. Did the OP say he told his wife she was fat? He's told us, but her? He asked for advice. We've now given it to him.

 

OP, talk to your wife in the way described above by Hotgurl and let us know how it goes. Does she share her feelings with you, or clam up and get angry? Make sure you choose your words carefully, and do NOT say anything about how she looks!

[uniqueone]

Why is this his job?

 

 

Because there's a good possibility that the problems have to do with him. Think about it. He hasn't shown any concern about her emotional well-being.....only her looks and his needs. A person like that is going to be like that in other aspects of their life as well. When you live with someone who is not sensitive to your feelings or your needs and yet "wants" from you, it can make you become depressed. The more depressed that person becomes, the more they eat to help soothe themselves.

 

This is why this IS his job (as well as hers).

[luvmy2ns]

Because there's a good possibility that the problems have to do with him. Think about it. He hasn't shown any concern about her emotional well-being.....only her looks and his needs. A person like that is going to be like that in other aspects of their life as well. When you live with someone who is not sensitive to your feelings or your needs and yet "wants" from you, it can make you become depressed. The more depressed that person becomes, the more they eat to help soothe themselves.

 

This is why this IS his job (as well as hers).

 

It is NOT his job to fix her emotional problems. It's his job, as her husband, to understand them and to support her in HER efforts to fix them. What do you think she is, a brainless chunk of DNA to be manipulated by someone other than herself as to how to think and feel?

[Star Gazer]

Why is this his job?

 

Because they are married. They have a partnership. It is just as much his "job" as it is hers.

[sb129]

This is what some posters are pointing out you seem to be very focused on her apperance but are faliling to realize the snaking and weight gain are a symptom of a bigger issue. So fix the underlying issue.

 

Why don't you bring it up to her. I would take a tack similar to this.

 

Honey, I have noticed that some of your habits have changed recently. You seem to be (I don't know exactly what to say here maybe that she is negelecting yourself. Or that she seems apathetic just don't say letting herself go.) I am worried about you. Are you feeling down? Is there anything you want to talk about?

 

This opens up a dialog as to why her habits have changed and she seems to be negelecting herself yet you aren't focusing on her weight which is obviously sensitive. Myabe she is stressed with the kids or is unhappy being a SAHM. But if you don't ask you won't know.

 

.

 

Absolutely.

And the OP STILL says this

 

You say the main problem is my concern for her appearance? That is a odd thing to say! I have always had tremendous interest in her appearance, ever since our first date, and for our entire years together. She always liked the fact that I find her so attractive. Why is this now such a problem that it would even cause her to gain weight? Sorry but I do not think that is the problem like you said.

NO mention whether or not he is concerned for her emotional health.

 

 

I think Uniqueone brought up some excellent points, and I agree with SG, that as her husband, it is his job to be concerned for her happiness and health (both mental AND physical), as well as giving her support, love and understanding.

 

Its the understanding part that he is struggling with.

[luvmy2ns]

It is NOT his job to fix her emotional problems. It's his job, as her husband, to understand them and to support her in HER efforts to fix them. What do you think she is, a brainless chunk of DNA to be manipulated by someone other than herself as to how to think and feel?

 

It's HER job to take care of her emotional health, but yes, it is HIS job to support her in the endeavor. But yeah, let's just further immobilize her by telling her it's all his fault. That's sure to inspire a person toward introspection.

[sb129]

I don't think its all his fault at all.

 

There are CLEARLY some issues on BOTH sides, which can only really be dealt with if this couple TALK to EACHOTHER.

[melodymatters]

Over the past two years, for no apparent reason exept aging. I have gained 10 lbs. I have always been a light and healthy eater and get the same amount of exercise, so I think it is just age related metabolism change. I am 40.

 

Now I don't really care, because before I was too thin, but if I had an SO, who prefered me at my skinnier weight, I think we'd be in trouble, because I would have to STARVE myself to get back there, and at 40 I have better thimgs to do with my time and energy.

[luvmy2ns]

Over the past two years, for no apparent reason exept aging. I have gained 10 lbs. I have always been a light and healthy eater and get the same amount of exercise, so I think it is just age related metabolism change. I am 40.

 

Now I don't really care, because before I was too thin, but if I had an SO, who prefered me at my skinnier weight, I think we'd be in trouble, because I would have to STARVE myself to get back there, and at 40 I have better thimgs to do with my time and energy.

 

Yes, metabolism slows. I think we've beaten that subject to death. But do you have a fatty snack every single night and live a sedentary lifestyle? If not, you probably won't gain any more than the 10 lbs that you have. Your situation is completely different than this. This woman has made a distinct lifestyle change which has contributed to weight gain and will continue to do so. Would you want your man to keep gaining and gaining and gaining until you always have to be the one on top?

[sb129]

Over the past two years, for no apparent reason exept aging. I have gained 10 lbs. I have always been a light and healthy eater and get the same amount of exercise, so I think it is just age related metabolism change. I am 40.

 

Now I don't really care, because before I was too thin, but if I had an SO, who prefered me at my skinnier weight, I think we'd be in trouble, because I would have to STARVE myself to get back there, and at 40 I have better thimgs to do with my time and energy.

 

 

You're still hot MM.

 

No, Luv, I would NOT like it if my SO kept eating fatty snacks at night. But I wouldn't be b*tching about it for over a week on a forum, I would talk to him about it and try to get to the root of the problem.

[luvmy2ns]

You're still hot MM.

 

No, Luv, I would NOT like it if my SO kept eating fatty snacks at night. But I wouldn't be b*tching about it for over a week on a forum, I would talk to him about it and try to get to the root of the problem.

 

...which is why I referenced Hotgurl's advice regarding how to speak to his wife. Then people came back on here and said, "OP, it's your fault, it's your fault." Not, "OP, take Hotgurl's advice and talk to your wife in the way she suggested and see if that works." I believe his first post was about how to talk to his wife about this without hurting her feelings...

[sb129]

...which is why I referenced Hotgurl's advice regarding how to speak to his wife. Then people came back on here and said, "OP, it's your fault, it's your fault." Not, "OP, take Hotgurl's advice and talk to your wife in the way she suggested and see if that works." I believe his first post was about how to talk to his wife about this without hurting her feelings...

 

 

I suspect that some fault for the whole situation may lie with the OP, but I don't know enough about to say what. Hopefully he talks to her soon.

[bish]

You say the main problem is my concern for her appearance? That is a odd thing to say! I have always had tremendous interest in her appearance

 

Uh..read what you just said...cuz that is exactly our point. You are obessessed with her appearance.

 

Now at age 40 he/she changes behavior - instead of reading the New York Times and Washington Post each day, they spend a couple hours a day watching some TV show that repulses you - something ridiculous like monster truck racing.

 

Ah..so now people who watch monster truck racing are stupid and worthless people. I find it boring, so I don't watch it, but I know alot of people who are fantastic people that do.

 

So now we are seeing the real problem here...you think you are better than other people...your wife included.

 

ya ya i know ..you are telling a "for the sake of argument" story here..but your feelings are coming out now.

[uniqueone]

...which is why I referenced Hotgurl's advice regarding how to speak to his wife. Then people came back on here and said, "OP, it's your fault, it's your fault." Not, "OP, take Hotgurl's advice and talk to your wife in the way she suggested and see if that works." I believe his first post was about how to talk to his wife about this without hurting her feelings...

 

I don't think that him talking to her is going to help and here's why..

 

He's going to say something like "Uh....look honey...I know this is a touchy subject, but it's really concerning me about your weight lately. Where's that sexy woman I fell in love with?"

 

This will make her feel like he only cares about how she looks...not about what's inside her or how she feels.

 

She'll probably try to hint around at why she's gotten this way but it won't sink in and then she'll be thinking to herself "he doesn't even care what's bothering me!" (this feeling will probably make her want to go eat for comfort.)

 

This is why I don't see any hope for this relationship. Sorry, I don't. I recommend counseling for her and my guess is that through counseling she'll get stronger, get back into shape and leave him. Sorry OP, just being honest here.

 

 

Btw, another reason that the wife might be keeping the weight on, is because she doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore. She might be using this as a barrier, even if only subconsciously.

 

There are women who don't want to go through a divorce, but no longer love their husbands or are no longer attracted to them "that way" and so they find ways to keep the physical distance between them.

[Try2BeSupportive]

I don't think that him talking to her is going to help and here's why..

 

He's going to say something like "Uh....look honey...I know this is a touchy subject, but it's really concerning me about your weight lately. Where's that sexy woman I fell in love with?"

 

This will make her feel like he only cares about how she looks...not about what's inside her or how she feels.

 

She'll probably try to hint around at why she's gotten this way but it won't sink in and then she'll be thinking to herself "he doesn't even care what's bothering me!" (this feeling will probably make her want to go eat for comfort.)

 

This is why I don't see any hope for this relationship. Sorry, I don't. I recommend counseling for her and my guess is that through counseling she'll get stronger, get back into shape and leave him. Sorry OP, just being honest here.

 

 

Btw, another reason that the wife might be keeping the weight on, is because she doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore. She might be using this as a barrier, even if only subconsciously.

 

There are women who don't want to go through a divorce, but no longer love their husbands or are no longer attracted to them "that way" and so they find ways to keep the physical distance between them.

 

Wow.

 

Your reply here really hit me like a freakin' baseball bat upside my head. I too wonder with fear that no matter what I do or say about her weight, it will lead to her feeling "hurt" and distancing herself even further. I guess that is a risk that I will have to take.

 

Of course I care how she feels!!! How can you and sb129 say all I care about is how she looks? If that were true I would have been openly telling her a year ago to stop stuffing her face at night. But I have not said a word, and instead tried to support any of her weightloss efforts. By "support" I mean alot of encouragement, watching the kids any time she wants to go workout, gym membership, etc. And she puts a small effort into it for a few weeks, then just goes back to status quo.

 

I suspect too that she knows her eating and weight gain are effective ways to keep me away, and that deep down this may be what she wants. That is just such a screwed up mindset - I am glad somebody else on here brought this up and not me. It almost seems like to her, being in a relationship is now an obsolete concept.

 

Just so I am clear, you are saying that my wife's weight gain is a sign she has lost "it" for me, thereby justifying my instinct to take this personally. And that there is nothing I can do about it. Did I get that right? If that is our situation, all I can say is THANK GOD I did not just sit back and support her self-sabotage efforts for another 5 years or so.

 

So my options are to -

1. Divorce her. She will immediately drop 25 pounds, guys will swarm all over her, and 5 years into their relationship she will start filling their grocery cart with BonBons ... cycle repeats

2. Sit back and watch her further abandon our husband/wife relationship while she silently drifts off doing her thing - which she really does seem to enjoy being a fulltime mother. The problem there is I am left... unsatisfied ... and my fidelity to her would not last very long

3. Confront her directly with the entire situation - distance between us and her behavior changes (weight gain) that turn me away.

 

At this point I choose #3. Any final words of advice for me before I have this conversation?

[luvmy2ns]

Like I said before, and people keep missing over and over and over, approach it like Hotgurl said. Don't mention her weight or her snacking. Choose your words in a way that indicates you've seen a change in her behavior and wonder if she's down and what you can do to help. If, at that point, she turns on you, regardless of how sensitive you try to be, well then I guess you have to make a decision. I can certainly understand why you're concerned about the future if she's in this mindset of sitting around and ingesting empty calories. I've seen the older women at the grocery store, doing their shopping, riding in those battery operated carts 'cause they can't walk anymore from the weight bearing down on the knees day after day. You want a future companion who can go and do with you, and who you find attractive at whatever age, gray hairs, wrinkles, and all the rest that comes with the NATURAL aging process. I get it.

[Mustang Sally]

At this point I choose #3. Any final words of advice for me before I have this conversation?

Here's my advice before you take the (probably overdue?) plunge:

 

Have a loving heart, going into the dialog (that is, if you have one...it sounds to me like you still do towards her...)

 

It is apparent to me that you two need more communication regarding this issue (and probably in general) in your relationship.

 

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

[LucreziaBorgia]

3. Confront her directly with the entire situation - distance between us and her behavior changes (weight gain) that turn me away.

 

At this point I choose #3. Any final words of advice for me before I have this conversation?

 

You have some valid points about wanting her to be healthy and in good shape, but the way you present it isn't going to fly. Here's why:

 

When you do confront her about what happened to the woman she used to be, she will wonder what happened to the man you used to be: one who stood before G_d, family, friends, peers and acquaintances and promised to love and cherish her in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer and all that stuff. She will wonder why she wasted her life with a guy who meant those vows, only if she agreed to stay under a certain weight. She will be destroyed to hear that you married her conditionally, and that you cannot and will not love her for who she is, and not what she looks like. She will wonder why you focus on her weight and her snacking, and not on what is leading her to it, if anything. You keep saying her behavior changed, but you are more concerned about the outcome of it. What if she tells you that nothing is wrong, and that she has simply become comfortable with who she is and what she looks like and snacks simply because it is a simple pleasure for her?

 

My guess on this outcome? She will lose weight, get in great shape and either have an affair, or will divorce you outright.

[luvmy2ns]

You have some valid points about wanting her to be healthy and in good shape, but the way you present it isn't going to fly. Here's why:

 

When you do confront her about what happened to the woman she used to be, she will wonder what happened to the man you used to be: one who stood before G_d, family, friends, peers and acquaintances and promised to love and cherish her in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer and all that stuff. She will wonder why she wasted her life with a guy who meant those vows, only if she agreed to stay under a certain weight. She will be destroyed to hear that you married her conditionally, and that you cannot and will not love her for who she is, and not what she looks like. She will wonder why you focus on her weight and her snacking, and not on what is leading her to it, if anything. You keep saying her behavior changed, but you are more concerned about the outcome of it. What if she tells you that nothing is wrong, and that she has simply become comfortable with who she is and what she looks like and snacks simply because it is a simple pleasure for her?

 

My guess on this outcome? She will lose weight, get in great shape and either have an affair, or will divorce you outright.

 

For better or worse, in sickness and in health, when you get huge as a house?

 

If she does divorce him then lose weight, she may find another guy, but then she'll start sitting around and eating junk again. Then maybe he'll no longer find her attractive, and then he'll be on LS asking us how to approach her about losing weight.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I see what you are saying, but that won't stop her from feeling the way that she will, anymore than this guy is going to stop feeling the way that he does.

[uniqueone]

 

Of course I care how she feels!!! How can you and sb129 say all I care about is how she looks? If that were true I would have been openly telling her a year ago to stop stuffing her face at night. But I have not said a word, and instead tried to support any of her weightloss efforts. By "support" I mean alot of encouragement, watching the kids any time she wants to go workout, gym membership, etc. And she puts a small effort into it for a few weeks, then just goes back to status quo.

 

Your comment about "I would have been openly telling her a year ago to stop stuffing her face at night" tells me right off the bat, what attitude you have towards this. With the "stuffing her face" comment, I sense contempt and that's why I said that I don't see hope for this relationship. Once there's contempt, there's little hope.

 

I suspect too that she knows her eating and weight gain are effective ways to keep me away, and that deep down this may be what she wants. That is just such a screwed up mindset - I am glad somebody else on here brought this up and not me. It almost seems like to her, being in a relationship is now an obsolete concept.

 

And that could very well be true. I've seen women who are interested in their kids but who aren't really interested in their husbands anymore. Frankly, they're tired of their husbands pawing at them at night while they (the women) don't get their needs met emotionally. I've had married women friends tell me this. I've had married women friends tell me that every few weeks they'll give in and have sex with their husband just so that he'll leave them alone for awhile. And the whole time, the husband remains clueless. He doesn't get--or even try to get-- what's really bothering his wife.

Just so I am clear, you are saying that my wife's weight gain is a sign she has lost "it" for me, thereby justifying my instinct to take this personally. And that there is nothing I can do about it. Did I get that right? If that is our situation, all I can say is THANK GOD I did not just sit back and support her self-sabotage efforts for another 5 years or so.

 

That doesn't make sense. If it's personal, then of course you can do something about it. I don't think you will though.

 

So my options are to -

1. Divorce her. She will immediately drop 25 pounds, guys will swarm all over her, and 5 years into their relationship she will start filling their grocery cart with BonBons ... cycle repeats

Maybe she won't want to date. Who says that someone has to jump into another relationship? Some women I've known who've done years of "giving", want to stay alone and have time for themselves....and without anyone judging them or making them into what they want them to be.

 

And maybe she won't lose the weight. Maybe she'll stop her nervous eating but stay a little chunky and maybe she's ok with that.

 

And maybe she DOES lose the weight and DOES get into a new relationship, but the new guy pays attention to how she FEELS, so she doesn't end up turning to food and she ends up staying slim.

 

Lots of possibilities.

 

 

2. Sit back and watch her further abandon our husband/wife relationship while she silently drifts off doing her thing - which she really does seem to enjoy being a fulltime mother. The problem there is I am left... unsatisfied ... and my fidelity to her would not last very long

 

So right away you're saying that you're ready to cheat if she doesn't lose weight. Definately not a good sign here. Please just get a divorce.

Your comment about how there you are left unsatisfied again tells me that you're thinking very selfishly.

 

3. Confront her directly with the entire situation - distance between us and her behavior changes (weight gain) that turn me away.

 

At this point I choose #3. Any final words of advice for me before I have this conversation?

 

Good luck. But I believe this marriage is already over. I think you're just looking for permission.

[Kasan]

Try2BeSupportive--

 

I really don't understand what you are looking for from us--this thread is now 2 weeks old with a total of 174 responses. What else can we tell you? How else can we phrase it for you?

 

We have run the gamut of topics concerning control, resentment, depression, lack of communication, your needs, and your wife's needs. We have debated with you, and with each other the reasons for her twenty pound weight gain. We have speculated on the state of your marriage and your motivation for having her lose the weight.

 

You have been given some great strategies for approaching your wife, some reasons why she has gained the weight and now for me, the ball is in your court.

 

Discussing a problem you are having with the most important partnership in your life for two weeks on a message board does give me some insight into your marriage....and please know that it is not my intention to be harsh here with my post.

 

Who knows why she is gaining the weight, and eating her snacks at night--but it is an issue with you so find a way to ask her.

 

If she gets po'd the world won't end I am sure....sometimes the greatest understanding can come when two parties don't agree and forge a way to work together to resolve their differences.

 

Good luck to you...