wife's weight

[Try2BeSupportive]

You should divorce her. I wish my my fiance (now my husband) told me that he wasn't happy with my body. Now we are married. i wish that I had choosen someone more nurturing.

 

Maybe I should divorce her. I wish my wife told me she would stop exercising, eat junk, and lose her sex drive (after 7 years of marriage). I wish I had chosen someone more honest about the fact that weight gain and celibacy were our future together.

 

The kind of person that wants to feed me

A freudian slip or did you really mean that?

 

Let her be with someone that adores her and makes her feel sexy.

Inactive, junk-food habit, no sex drive - this is something to adore?

[Madalice]

Maybe I should divorce her. I wish my wife told me she would stop exercising, eat junk, and lose her sex drive (after 7 years of marriage). I wish I had chosen someone more honest about the fact that weight gain and celibacy were our future together.

 

Are you being flip? I'm serious. I can understand your needs. They are not being met. Divorcing her gives you a chance to find what you need, and her a chance to find someone that meets her needs- be it comfort or someone who finds her and her body "loveable" the way it is.

 

How old is she? Yes, you should expect women (and men but I think the chance is more pronounced in women ) to gain weight. With a pregnancy or not.

 

Please respond to my "Husband and My Weight".

[Madalice]

No freudian slip about the FEED ME comment. I recently met someone who said he "wanted to make me a cake" cook for me and feed and pamper me. the kind of person who is not into indulgence.

 

My usband has stated that it would be better (for me) to be thin than happy because I "shouldn't just indulge myself all the time".

 

Like i have mentioned in my post, I am not overweight by any strech of the normal imagination. However, my husband prefers a body type I AM NOT. I am baffeled by his notion that diet or excercise on my part will turn me into the Gabriella Reses or Kate Moss body (two bodie types he is into). i am baffeled by his proposing and going through with the marriage if my body is so important and not what he is into. So i have a great personalitiy and we get along and have fun together. For me, If he does not find me sexually intersting, what is the point of this?

I know it's not your situation, but it's something to consider. When my husband revealed his feelinbgs about my body, I was devesated. It did not help that he was not completely honest because I believe he was trying not to look shallow and he also did not want to hurt my feelings.

Divorce is extreme, but it gives you both a chance. I do beleive that you need to talk to your wife about your feelings, and give her a chance to chance if the marriage is important to her. Just be honest. Be blunt. Do it in the context of counseling so there is an objective third party if possible. I beleive that MY husband has an UNHEALTHY idea of what my body should be. Maybe you can work something out, like she gets to still be your wife but she lets you have sex with other women because she's not interested.

[Madalice]

Sorry. The post should say "not into abstinence".

[JamesM]

James M., you are getting off-topic because the issue is he is disgusted by his normal-sized wife. Of course she is going to sense this. He feels unloved simply because she is content with not being a trophy stick thin wife and won't lose just for him. She is happy with herself, why shouldn't he be? That is the problem, he has said he is so turned off that she has become a normal sized woman and is OK with that, of course she is going to pick up on that.

So....the problem I am seeing is that he needs to change his vision of his wife of what he physically desires to the new confident wife he does have.

 

First, I answered a questions as to why sex is important and who changed the rules. So, I continued off topic...if that is what you call it.

 

Second, having been on this Board for quite awhile, I have found many times that what people think is their problem is not always the main issue. Hence, the many questions I and others have asked.

 

But we do agree...if he is no longer as attracted to her as he was for whatever purpose, then she will sense that. And then her sex drive will diminish...at least towards him.

 

There seems to be a couple of issues here that probably are the symptoms. He is not happy with her weight gain, and she has found a new passion for food at night and a lack of interest in exercise. The question becomes why.

 

Should he accept his "new" wife and simply be happy? Yes and no. Simply telling someone that "your problems your own...they are in your head" does not solve anyone's problems. If anything, he will become even more resentful.However, yes, he does need to look at the other reasons as to why he loves her. She will not change her habits or try to decrease her weight if that is all he focuses on. And then we ask...does she NEED to lose weight for them to have a happy sex life? The answer is obviously no. That is why I say that there are other issues that are causing her to lose interest in sex and eat more food.

 

Confident and happy people don't begin eating foods that are unhealthy for them and start gaining weight when they usually enjoyed exercise and good food. There is some reason that has caused her to do this. Maybe it is a general malaise, maybe it is boredom, maybe it is a lack of purpose in her life, maybe it is a passive-aggressive anger at her husband, or maybe it is none of the above. But, people who begin self-destructive habits are not happy.

 

Why is it when a guy comes here saying that "we have no sex in our marriage" he is told that HE must accept his life and love his wife? Why cannot we say....you have a valid point, let's see what might be the problem. When a marriage which had a satisfying sex life, now has sex about once every two or three weeks, then something is wrong. Truth is...if a man comes to a relationship board and spills his guts to people (and knowingly to may women), then it is obvious that he is not thinking of an affair. Fact is...he must really love his wife and want to save his marriage if he does. He is trying to make things better. To suggest acceptance or divorce is not only counterproductive, it is wrong.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why is it when a guy comes here saying that "we have no sex in our marriage" he is told that HE must accept his life and love his wife? Why cannot we say....you have a valid point, let's see what might be the problem. When a marriage which had a satisfying sex life, now has sex about once every two or three weeks, then something is wrong. Truth is...if a man comes to a relationship board and spills his guts to people (and knowingly to may women), then it is obvious that he is not thinking of an affair. Fact is...he must really love his wife and want to save his marriage if he does. He is trying to make things better. To suggest acceptance or divorce is not only counterproductive, it is wrong.

James, you have touched on an important point. We ask people here to be truthful about the specifics of their situation when they post here (hard to give any good feedback or advice otherwise), and then many posters jump in and tell the OP that he is wrong for feeling the way he does. As if the answer is "You should just learn to feel differently". Doesn't work for most situations and certaining doesn't work for the OP in this thread.

 

Also, from a male point of view, when a guy opens up and posts about a problem here, many female responders reply that his wife's conduct or feelings are HIS fault for not meeting HER emotional needs. Maybe it's more simple than that - maybe his wife is mis-guided, selfish, un-motivated, irresponsible, short-sighted, lazy or just plain wrong. It could happen, right ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvmy2ns]

No...I haven't. In answer to my question whether you've had sex just for the sake of having sex, this was your answer, and then...

 

 

 

Love? I can't say if each was in fact "love". Infatuation maybe...intense liking definately......and always with the desire for or within a committed relationship.

 

Then you say the above, which is a complete contradiction. If it is, in fact, "infatuation" as you say, then it is sex for the sake of sex.

 

You're 48 years old....and this statement doesn't sound like it. If you think that my answers will be coerced by assertions such as these, you're wrong.

 

Bottom line is this:

 

You choose to sleep with men that you don't like, care about or want a relationship with. We were married. Good gawd. Can you read? I don't play that immature game where I withhold sex as a punishment.

 

I only sleep with men that I like, care about and want a relationship with...and I'm very selective. And you know what? Men actually admire that quite a bit.

 

And I bet they love your holier than thou attitude.

[uniqueone]

Originally Posted by uniqueone

No...I haven't. In answer to my question whether you've had sex just for the sake of having sex, this was your answer, and then...

 

Love? I can't say if each was in fact "love". Infatuation maybe...intense liking definately......and always with the desire for or within a committed relationship.

 

Then you say the above, which is a complete contradiction. If it is, in fact, "infatuation" as you say, then it is sex for the sake of sex.

 

No...that's not true. That means that I liked them a lot and wanted or was in a relationship with them. However, I cannot say whether it was love or not because some of them weren't capable of love.

And if I was true what you say that I was having sex with them for only sex's sake, I would not have been so emotionally devastated when these relationships ended up with me getting hurt.

 

You choose to sleep with men that you don't like, care about or want a relationship with. We were married. Good gawd. Can you read? I don't play that immature game where I withhold sex as a punishment.

 

So that's how you justified using your husband? You pretty much put it in black and white...you used him. Where did withholding sex as punishment come in?

And I bet they love your holier than thou attitude.

 

Many have respected the fact that I respect what I do with my body.

[uniqueone]

 

Also, from a male point of view, when a guy opens up and posts about a problem here, many female responders reply that his wife's conduct or feelings are HIS fault for not meeting HER emotional needs. Maybe it's more simple than that - maybe his wife is mis-guided, selfish, un-motivated, irresponsible, short-sighted, lazy or just plain wrong. It could happen, right ???

 

 

I'm afraid it often doesn't though.

 

Women are more likely to do the work on relationships. That's why you see more many women than men on relationship forums and why you see countless magazines for women filled with relationship articles.

 

Men usually do not see relationships as a priority. What usually makes men start to take notice of relationships is when the sex or affection disappears.

[luvmy2ns]

[/b][/i]

 

No...that's not true. That means that I liked them a lot and wanted or was in a relationship with them. However, I cannot say whether it was love or not because some of them weren't capable of love.

And if I was true what you say that I was having sex with them for only sex's sake, I would not have been so emotionally devastated when these relationships ended up with me getting hurt.

 

[/b]

 

So that's how you justified using your husband? You pretty much put it in black and white...you used him. Where did withholding sex as punishment come in?

 

 

 

Many have respected the fact that I respect what I do with my body.

 

Twist, twist away on my words, but we were MARRIED. MARRIED. Get it yet, or should I draw a picture? I was still hoping for a light to dawn wherein he would realize that there are people outside of his own selfish wants. Didn't happen, so I ended the marriage. THE M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E. He, too, portrayed himself in the beginning of our relationship to be someone he was not. Yes, I had sex with my husband, and I enjoyed it because he was good at it. Clue in, wouldja?

[JamesM]

 

Women are more likely to do the work on relationships. That's why you see more many women than men on relationship forums and why you see countless magazines for women filled with relationship articles.

 

Men usually do not see relationships as a priority. What usually makes men start to take notice of relationships is when the sex or affection disappears.

 

This is very true. Women are usually the ones who work on the relationship. However, interestingly enough, in my house...and my wife will agree, I am the one who does. I am the one who has read many books, researched on the computer, and I am the one who has joined forums to find answers. Because of this, I am the one who has found a new medicine that made her feel better. And when she has personal issues at work, with her family, etc., she turns to me for assistance and ideas. So, to generalize that men here are the same else where is probably not accurate.

 

And for me...when I was told that sex was no longer wanted by her, it DID propel me into looking for answers. But the flip side of this is that WOMEN usually notice there are problems when their husbands begin not wanting to cuddle or have conversations or spend time with them.

 

Women miss the emotional aspect of a marriage when it disappears, because the emotional connection is the most important part of a marriage. This is where they get their validation of love. Men on the other hand, see the physical expression of love as a validation of their marriage and their "manhood." This is why men notice when the physical aspect of their marriage is lacking, and this is why women notice when the emotional connection disappears. And yes, this is true for my household as well.

 

As for the men who post here about troubles in their marriage...we can safely assume that the majority of them ARE in the minority of men who do notice that their marriage is not going well, and these men are in the minority of men who are trying to fix their marriage. It is safer to assume that these men want a solution rather than an escape route.

 

T2BS has been straightforward, and like many of us, he has aired all of his frustrations in the hope that someone here will say that yes, I have been there...here is what may help. Now our "job" is to help him...whether that is by telling him that his problem is not as he sees it, or by telling him how to solve this issue. It will not help by attacking him for even having such thoughts.

 

 

Now, let's focus on solutions for his problems without airing our own frustrations with men and women in general.

[nittygritty]

this may be a factor, I should investigate

 

 

The youngest is in school 3x per week

 

 

40 min, 60 max (on long weeks I get up very early and work 2 hrs before anybody in my house eats breakfast so it is low impact to the family)

 

Hang out with kids as wife gets dinner together, sometimes do a run

 

Some but not alot

 

Some but not alot

 

once every 2 or 3 weeks, mostly because I am interested but I try to make it good for her too

 

She fills the days with errands and shopping. House is not exactly messy (but I kept my bachelor pad neater than our house)

 

 

not in counseling. her meds do a good job (so she says)

 

She has been on meds for awhile. The most obvious (recent) change is her eating and low exercise

 

 

I never said I dont love my wife - I do. But her total apathy about her eating and exercise is affecting my attraction.

 

 

You have described things pretty well... far less explosive than my thread titled "wife's weight"

 

I agree and am optimistic that we can work things out, both our intimacy issue and her weight issue

 

Hence the thyroid test she just did (was normal) or are there other tests you are thinking of?

 

none of the above

 

 

Say yes to all above - I would welcome her back to a warmer relationship. Like I said I do love her. I am bothered at our current distance. In addition I am bothered by her giving up her previous effort to eat well and exercise. I am NOT withholding the closeness you mentioned.. it is not contingent upon her weight. At the same time I definitely notice and do not like her new attitude about our physical relationship and her physical activity.

 

 

Hormone tests on Estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, follicle stimulating hormone, luetinizing hormone and cortisol levels.

 

There is a big difference in cleaning, cooking, shopping, running errands and doing laundry for yourself and cleaning, cooking, shopping, running errands and doing laundry for yourself, your spouse and 2 or 3 kids.

[whichwayisup]

Men are more likely to come to relationship forums, like LS, for advice because it's annonymous rather than open up and talk to their guy buddy's. I respect T2BS for coming here and yeah, some might not like how he feels about his wife's weight, but he's being honest and asking for help! If he didn't care and if he was really shallow he would not be posting period, let alone stay married to his wife, he'd be looking elsewhere for an affair, or possibly ending his marriage. It's evident how much he loves his wife. To me it is anyway.

 

T2B, I still think you need to involve yourself more with your wife, make special plans together and GO OUT more. Spend time alone and make her feel loved, appreciated, desired and sexy. If you can do that, she'll feel good about herself, want to lose weight and want to look good too. Self confidence and caring about oneself is important, and she's lost herself due to the depression, and anxiety. Meds are great to help, but if she has other issues going on inside her head, she can benefit from seeking counselling.

[Mr. Lucky]

Women are more likely to do the work on relationships. That's why you see more many women than men on relationship forums and why you see countless magazines for women filled with relationship articles.

I would amend your statement to say that "Women are more likely to TALK about working on relationships". But regardless, that is a generalized statement that breaks down when you look at the specifics of each unique situation posted here on LS. For instance, do you get a sense that T2BS's wife is working on their relationship? How about PWSX3's wife:

I understand what you are going thru because my W is overweight & she just doesn't want to do anything about it except complain because she is "fat" in her words.

You can't suggest anything because they won't listen, I feel they just have to hit bottom & figure it out on there own.

Is she doing the work on their relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[bish]

Maybe I should divorce her.

 

First smart thing you've said yet. Maybe you should, because you obviously don't love her. You are in love with superficial qualities...not the person.

[bish]

Now, let's focus on solutions for his problems without airing our own frustrations with men and women in general.

 

the only solution is that his wife gets the perfect little body...otherwise he doesn't want her.

 

He is only going to be satisfied when she gets thin again. forget about love...its about looks with this guy. So there are no solutions except sending her to a fat farm and starving her for his own personal pleasure.

[Mustang Sally]

Also, from a male point of view, when a guy opens up and posts about a problem here, many female responders reply that his wife's conduct or feelings are HIS fault for not meeting HER emotional needs. Maybe it's more simple than that - maybe his wife is mis-guided, selfish, un-motivated, irresponsible, short-sighted, lazy or just plain wrong. It could happen, right ???

 

Mr. Lucky

Ha!

I love it, Mr Lucky!

 

I have suggested such things <gasp!> of wives in other threads in the past...only to be chastised....

 

Every situation is unique.

Sometimes, we - as responders to a post - inject TOO much of our bias/past experience on the OP. Too bad, when that happens.

 

T2BS -

Have you had a tactful, honest discussion with your W about this business, yet? (I have fallen behind and haven't read the last several pages of this banter.) I would be interested in hearing how it went.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ha!

I love it, Mr Lucky!

 

I have suggested such things <gasp!> of wives in other threads in the past...only to be chastised....

 

Every situation is unique.

Sometimes, we - as responders to a post - inject TOO much of our bias/past experience on the OP. Too bad, when that happens.

 

T2BS -

Have you had a tactful, honest discussion with your W about this business, yet? (I have fallen behind and haven't read the last several pages of this banter.) I would be interested in hearing how it went.

 

Sally, just for you :

Good news! I finally had a long-overdue conversation with the wife. I followed alot of the advice on here by NOT mentioning the whole sexual attraction thing. I started the conversation by asking if she was happy with things and she said yes (including with our marriage) and that she agrees we have not been having much sex but that does not bother her and she rarely even things about it. I think that is the truth (she really is pretty happy and she does not think much about sex) so I told her I would try to initiate things more often. She did not say NO but also did not seem too excited about this (never have any time... too tired). Very frustrating that my attraction is at an all time low and on top of that I get nothing without me chasing her. The sex thing is definitely a problem for me but at the moment I put higher priority on the weight issue (read on).

 

Speaking of being tired and no time, I asked if there was any reason she stopped going to her gym, and we could save $$$/mo if she cancels her membership. I enthusiastically told her I will watch the kids anytime she wants to goto gym. She said she does plan to go this week. I hope she does, but if not by next weekend I will bring it up again (my pitch being we should not throw away good money if she does not use her membership). She seems to still hold onto the idea of exercise so if I just bring it up with her a few times maybe she will submit and go - then the good feelings of exercise might keep her going.

 

On the snacking topic, she had already agreed that we would get rid of the halloween candy (which I did, and gave away a couple girlscout cookie boxes while I was at it) so this morning she asked what we need at the store I told her about a low fat microwave popcorn that would make a healthy snack and so she bought some.

 

Overall I am ok at how this all went, I was not mean and she did not seem to get mad, but she also has been known to bring stuff up in a later conversation. I do wonder if she will follow through on anything, but she did buy the popcorn and I will try the soft sell for a while instead of making hard demands.

 

On the topic of who's problem is this I accept that the problem (her weight gain) does seem to be mostly affecting me. I still deny all responsibility in causing this, but I am willing to help work on a solution if that is possible.

[luvmy2ns]

Ha!

I love it, Mr Lucky!

 

I have suggested such things <gasp!> of wives in other threads in the past...only to be chastised....

 

Every situation is unique.

Sometimes, we - as responders to a post - inject TOO much of our bias/past experience on the OP. Too bad, when that happens.

 

T2BS -

Have you had a tactful, honest discussion with your W about this business, yet? (I have fallen behind and haven't read the last several pages of this banter.) I would be interested in hearing how it went.

 

I, too, enjoyed Mr. Lucky's post. Really, so many women think that only men fall into a category that includes that kind of behavior. Total male bashing. I've seen many selfish, lazy women in my life. And don't get me wrong here, OP. I'm not saying this is true of your wife. I'm just disgusted by the people who have bashed the hell out of you in this thread for even having the audacity to hope that your wife won't continue to get larger and larger and to ask for guidance in how to approach the subject. I applaud you for having the caring to want to make certain that you DON'T hurt her feelings in doing so.

[uniqueone]

I would amend your statement to say that "Women are more likely to TALK about working on relationships". But regardless, that is a generalized statement that breaks down when you look at the specifics of each unique situation posted here on LS. For instance, do you get a sense that T2BS's wife is working on their relationship? How about PWSX3's wife:

 

Is she doing the work on their relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

When I stated that women were more likely to work on relationships, it was in reference to something that James said. You're now applying it to TTBSupportive's wife and to PWSX3's wife which is not what the comment was directed at. In other words, it's being taken out of context.

 

I have no idea about their wives.

 

But please keep my point that I made to the context in which it was discussed and not cross-populate it into other areas.

[uniqueone]

I applaud you for having the caring to want to make certain that you DON'T hurt her feelings in doing so.

 

T2BS: Hmmmm......boy I really want sex......but man, does she look like a disgusting, fat pig........I'd hate to hurt her feelings and tell her that though.......

 

 

Award given to T2BS for not huring his wife's feelings........

[Try2BeSupportive]

the only solution is that his wife gets the perfect little body...otherwise he doesn't want her.

He is only going to be satisfied when she gets thin again. forget about love...its about looks with this guy. So there are no solutions except sending her to a fat farm and starving her for his own personal pleasure.

 

Bish, if you have something to contribute (even if you disagree with me) then by all means please share. But it really threatens your credibility when you go on just making stuff up that I never said (or even implied).

[Racquel Colette]

Well, OP,maybe your wife is sick of being a gym rat and starving herself to make you happy and what she is now really IS her normal weight. She's running around raising your kids, I'm sure she's getting exercise and is healthy.

Also, it's not like she's currently obese, she is at a healthy weight. You might not find her attractive, but if she is happy with herself, you are going to have to change your love and direct it toward what's inside and find what is sexy about her. She's probably put up with your expectations of her body all these years and is now ready to live for herself rather than be the skinny trophy wife you feel she should always remain. 20 pounds does not make her a different person and you do not have a healthy loving attitude toward your wife.

[Racquel Colette]

Bish, if you have something to contribute (even if you disagree with me) then by all means please share. But it really threatens your credibility when you go on just making stuff up that I never said (or even implied).

 

Bish makes a perfectly good point. Otherwise you would not continue to defend yourself and your feelings that your wife is a different person because she has gained weight, and your refusal to look inside yourself and see her as a person rather than a body.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Well, OP,maybe your wife is sick of being a gym rat and starving herself to make you happy and what she is now really IS her normal weight.

So she was starving herself for 10 years before we met, then kept it up for another 10 while we were dating and married, until no longer could she keep up the charade? If you say so Racquel.

 

She's running around raising your kids, I'm sure she's getting exercise and is healthy.

Wrong! BOTH of us are running around raising OUR kids. What makes you think she does all the work at my house?

 

Also, it's not like she's currently obese, she is at a healthy weight. You might not find her attractive, but if she is happy with herself, you are going to have to change your love and direct it toward what's inside and find what is sexy about her.

I never said she is obese (she isnt). But her current lifestyle suggests weight gain will continue. You say that I must change, and who knows, maybe I will wake up tomorrow with sudden attraction to junkfood and inactivity. Does that turn you on?

 

She's probably put up with your expectations of her body all these years and is now ready to live for herself rather than be the skinny trophy wife you feel she should always remain.

Skinny trophy wife? You must be getting your material from bish because I never said anything like that!

 

20 pounds does not make her a different person and you do not have a healthy loving attitude toward your wife.

I disagree - her recent changes are indeed a different person. And I believe that she will ultimately thank me for taking action at this critical point in our marriage. This shows alot more love than if I just ignored our situation and let our marriage keep drifting apart.