wife's weight

[Try2BeSupportive]

I see someone who's selfish but it's not me. There's only so much a person has inside them to give. Are you expecting superwoman?

And each person needs to balance out what they give proportionately to the things they care about. She invests 100% into the kids, 0% into herself, and 0% into our marriage. I call that selfish, just as if I selfishly decided that my church (or some other noble cause) needs 100% effort from me.

 

Someone who runs around continuing to meet all your superficial needs, while trying to balance a family?

Balance - that is it exactly. It is unbalanced to abandon all self-care, all intimacy with your spouse, and put it all into the kids. That is how she lives and she seems very happy to continue doing that.

 

How much time do you put towards child-care and how much time does she?

I have answered this question a dozen times. During my non-work hours we split childcare 50/50. If you subtract out her kidfree school days, and give me even the smallest bit of credit for my day job, I more than pull my share.

 

What I see is someone who's willing to sabotage their marriage for a simple dress size. Let her go and find someone who can be mature, more accepting, someone who truly loves her for herself, get his head out mid-life crisis and start to put more into the family, than someone like you.

What you call a simple dress size, I describe as a wholesale lifestyle change. She used to eat well. She used to be physically active. She used to enjoy having a sex life. All of those things have been important to me (and to her) since we first started dating. Now she has traded all of that for chocolate comfort each night and I doubt she has broken a sweat in months. Just not important to her at all anymore.

 

I object to you accusal of me not putting enough into the family - pure rubbish!!! Absolutely, ridiculously untrue!!! I never made any personal attacks against you or anyone on this board, even many who disagree. Can we please just discuss ideas and not make it personal?

[Try2BeSupportive]

"You've probably noticed that I bought some bathroom scales recently and I've maybe been nagging you a bit about eating junk food. The truth is that I thought you looked amazing when you were lighter and healthier. I'd like to see you getting some of your vitality back. I'm not talking about some dull weekly Weightwatchers routine or punishing circuits every night. I just think getting out and about a bit more and doing some activity would be good for us both. Do you have any suggestions? Anything you'd like to try? Have a think about it and get back to me. I'm open to anything you want to try, but I really do think that a new activity would get a bit of fun and sparkle back into you...because it seems to me that you've lost some of that lately, and that makes me sad."

 

Thank you for your very helpful suggestion. I will take this under advisement.

[booboolove]

Do I try to change her mind about accepting her own weight gain?

Do I just quietly stop having sex with her (already pretty infrequent)?

Do I file for divorce and never explain why?

Do I have sex but pretend I am attracted when actually I am not?

 

How about making her feel like the sexiest person alive?

 

You could be my husband, accept for the fact he doesn't know my weight.

 

Many men fail to realize that women garner a great deal of self-esteem from others, particularly their husbands or boyfriends. We are hard-wired to please others and the evidence of our work is the apparent happiness of those we try and please.

 

I promise that if you love her enough to make it work, and you mentally surround her with all the love you can muster, things will change. If you treat her as you did when you were first dating, she will soon want to work out with you or, care enough about herself to exercise and eat right. Do not pretend at this. That will stink of falseness and your actions will continue to belie your attempts.

 

I'm fairly certain she is aware, if even subconsciencely, of your unhappiness. Your actions are doing all the talking for you.

 

Understand that motherhood is the most ungratifying job on the planet. We give all our love and receive little, comparitively, in return. What she needs is to feel special again.

 

If you are unable to see past her exterior and underlying fat content to her other lovable qualities, then tell her your problem and leave. She might be devasted at first but eventually she'll recover and focus on what makes her happy. If you do leave, don't be a coward and not tell her why. The mere fact that you would even consider leaving and not saying anything suggests to me that you are aware of how trivial this way of thinking is.

[LivA79]

T2BS, do this, say, "Okay, woman, I've been waiting for you to take the initiative to get back into it, and you're slackin'. You know how much better you feel about yourself and you love the way you look when you work out, so get with it." Say you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, and you miss the woman that you feel in love with, who gave him beautiful children, and stood out from the rest of the women by looking good after kids and aging. So forth and so on.

[Mr. Lucky]

stress and running around of 2kids and upkeep of a home and with what time does to us all (unfortunately).

You know, I get tired of reading this. I've been both a SAHD and worked several jobs. Is chasing after two kids stressful? Yes, but so is working in a coal mine, working construction outside, owning a company, etc. There is a little too much estrogen flowing through parts of this thread...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trialbyfire]

And each person needs to balance out what they give proportionately to the things they care about. She invests 100% into the kids, 0% into herself, and 0% into our marriage. I call that selfish, just as if I selfishly decided that my church (or some other noble cause) needs 100% effort from me.

Selfish is applying too much effort on self. So what portion of 0% is she applying towards herself?

 

Balance - that is it exactly. It is unbalanced to abandon all self-care, all intimacy with your spouse, and put it all into the kids. That is how she lives and she seems very happy to continue doing that.

She applies nothing to herself, so you feel she should take away from the kids and apply whatever percentage to you. If she's happy applying 0% to herself, why should it matter to you?

 

I have answered this question a dozen times. During my non-work hours we split childcare 50/50. If you subtract out her kidfree school days, and give me even the smallest bit of credit for my day job, I more than pull my share.

So what percentage of your time are you putting towards her? She doesn't appear to want you to remain in the shape you're in, therefore, she seems to accept you "as is".

 

What you call a simple dress size, I describe as a wholesale lifestyle change. She used to eat well. She used to be physically active. She used to enjoy having a sex life. All of those things have been important to me (and to her) since we first started dating. Now she has traded all of that for chocolate comfort each night and I doubt she has broken a sweat in months. Just not important to her at all anymore.

Let's pretend you used to enjoy playing tennis and now you don't. Does this mean you've violated your vows to remain frozen in time?

 

I object to you accusal of me not putting enough into the family - pure rubbish!!! Absolutely, ridiculously untrue!!! I never made any personal attacks against you or anyone on this board, even many who disagree. Can we please just discuss ideas and not make it personal?

I've responded to all your above points but I still haven't changed my mind that either you're incredibly superficial or it's an excuse to find a way out of a marriage you're not happy with. If you can make this her fault, which is kind of difficult, considering how much energy she puts into family, it will be easier to leave.

 

If you want to leave, why look for excuses? Just do it.

[Racquel Colette]

How about making her feel like the sexiest person alive?

 

You could be my husband, accept for the fact he doesn't know my weight.

 

Many men fail to realize that women garner a great deal of self-esteem from others, particularly their husbands or boyfriends. We are hard-wired to please others and the evidence of our work is the apparent happiness of those we try and please.

 

I promise that if you love her enough to make it work, and you mentally surround her with all the love you can muster, things will change. If you treat her as you did when you were first dating, she will soon want to work out with you or, care enough about herself to exercise and eat right. Do not pretend at this. That will stink of falseness and your actions will continue to belie your attempts.

 

I'm fairly certain she is aware, if even subconsciencely, of your unhappiness. Your actions are doing all the talking for you.

 

Understand that motherhood is the most ungratifying job on the planet. We give all our love and receive little, comparitively, in return. What she needs is to feel special again.

 

If you are unable to see past her exterior and underlying fat content to her other lovable qualities, then tell her your problem and leave. She might be devasted at first but eventually she'll recover and focus on what makes her happy. If you do leave, don't be a coward and not tell her why. The mere fact that you would even consider leaving and not saying anything suggests to me that you are aware of how trivial this way of thinking is.

 

This is the best piece of wisdom on this thread!

[norajane]

What you call a simple dress size, I describe as a wholesale lifestyle change. She used to eat well. She used to be physically active. She used to enjoy having a sex life. All of those things have been important to me (and to her) since we first started dating. Now she has traded all of that for chocolate comfort each night and I doubt she has broken a sweat in months. Just not important to her at all anymore.

Why is she taking anti-anxiety medication? There must be SOME reason for it, and perhaps that's the same reason she no longer is interested in previous exercise and weight watching, perhaps the medication is killing her sex drive...or perhaps her previous anxiety is what drove her to exercise.

 

When did she start taking the medication, and did that coincide with the time she lost interest in sex and exercise? What anti-anxiety medication is she taking? Why is she taking it without associated counseling from a therapist?

[huh]

If she's on anti-anxiety meds, that can definitiely affect things. I gained 50 lbs within 6 months when I took Paxil (combination of working downtown right after 9/11, brother's legal problems & mom's cancer). I went off them & that 50 lbs came off quickly, just working on the 10 since then & the 40 to get to my goal.

 

And if so, would you feel the way you do if she had to go on steroids to breathe if she had asthma?

[Starry-eyed]

I know when I was in my early 20's weighing 106 lbs was a major big deal for me. That was my "perfect" weight according to the charts and my bone structure and I worked out like a dog and ate next to nothing to keep at that weight.

 

(Ex-dancer. with all the usual weight issues, shrug.)

 

Fact is I was skinny, but I was also miserable...

 

I am petite, but I'm also curvy and those charts, they just don't really take that into consideration, shrug.

 

In my 30's I finally took a good, hard look at my eating habits, at my weight and realized that what I was basically doing was starving myself to be thin. I was what the charts said was the right weight, but it wasn't the right weight for ME.

 

125 that WAS.

 

I simply couldn't maintain that 106lb weight and not end up thinking about food 24/7. I was starving, my hair was falling out, my skin was dry, and I was not feeling all that "healthy" really and yet, that 106lbs was what I was supposed to weigh.

 

 

Oh, this is interesting, Witchy. I'm currently struggling with an eating disorder and I'm afaid that my "right" or "natural" weight is not as thin as I am now or as I want to be. It's really hard to accept that I am not naturally a thin/slim person, or at least I don't think that I am. I'm afraid to find out what my natural weight is. So, that is so cool that you did! I don't want to thread hijack, but I'd love to know how you got your head wrapped around that. Can you PM yet?

 

And, my hair is falling out. I don't know if it's because of my weight loss or something else (hormones, stress, genes). But I hate it and it's just getting so thin!!!

[WitchyLady]

If your hair is falling out you probably are not getting enough fat, or B vitamins. Look for nail ridges too, that goes to B vitamins and low calcium Hair needs some fat and those vitamins in particular to be healthy.

 

As to what made me come to the realization that what I was doing was crazy, it was the result of a conversation I had with a gal at a petites modeling agency. I was doing the wanna-be actor thing, and I was actually dead on for my weight chart-wise, even several lbs under it, I'm about 5"3" tall and small boned, but I'm bigger than average in the chest and hips.

 

They just looked at me said I was "stunning" otherwise but that I needed to lose 20lbs. Now, they hadn't weighed me so they didn't know that I only weighed 106, but in their eyes even at that weight I was still "too heavy" for the camera.

 

Now, in order to maintain that low weight? I was working out 4X-5X a week, eating exactly 1200 cals a day, and basically living in a state of virtual starvation. I was used to it, like I said I'm an ex-dancer here, but being told to lose that much more, when there wasn't a spare ounce of fat on me was the final straw for me. When I told the gal that I only weighed 106 and that taking off 20 would be physically impossible for me short of not eating at all, and risking anorexia she suggested I consider breast surgery because surely going down to a AA cup would solve my problem.

 

Well, yeah, but was a modeling career really worth cutting off my chest ?

 

Looking in the mirror I realized that. I realized that these people were NUTS, that I was trying to be TOO thin to satisfy an industry with majorly artificial ideas of beauty and that I was in a BAD place concerning my own weight.

 

The suggestion of SURGERY?

 

I was just floored...

 

That was when I realized that being in the entertainment industry was just about the last thing that ever could be good for me. FYI, I was already having serious problems with trying to be ballerina thin, and my body was telling me with dry, falling hair, thin nails et all but to lose another 20?

 

That was definitely anorexia city and I knew that was a BAD road to get on from dancing for so long. I'd seen more than a couple of people in my ballet classes struggle with eating disorders and I was not going to do that.

 

So I told the modeling agency no, and I left, and then I went to my doctor's and I got some labs done, and he pretty much confirmed what I suspected, that I was suffering from some nutritional problems due to so much dieting, and that despite what the charts said I was not meant to weight 106lbs!

 

Fact is I have a 38D chest. I'm built a lot more like Sophia Loren than Kate Moss. I absolutely do have a tendency towards putting on weight, and I don't deny that. I've had to work out almost daily for most of my life just to stay relatively slim, and lately I'm not as slim as I'd like to be because I can't exercise anymore.

 

(Illness thing. I'm having serious back issues from a car accident I was in and I now have lupus, the awful meds for which blow me up like a water-filled balloon! I literally can't walk six feet, let alone the 4 miles a day I used to for exercise!)

 

But I just couldn't do it, not for the rest of my life.

 

Frankly, I didn't think I'd be there for the rest of my life as I was going if I didn't eat a bit more food now and again. Constant hunger, cracking nails, and hair loss, those are warning signs with me that I am taking the diet thing too far.

 

Honestly, I think when it comes to weight you have to look at yourself in the mirror and forget what the charts and the magazines say. If you're walking around and you don't have a big belly and you look good in a pair of jeans that fit you, then let it be. Live your life and stop obsessing over food.

 

FYI, I still write down whatever I eat, and casually watch my calories, have to because my doctor monitors my food intake for other reasons, food allergies and blood sugar issues mostly, but I don't actually own a scale. I get weighed every 3 months when I go to the doctor's for my checkup and I leave it at that.

 

I've been back to semi-dieting the past year or so just trying to counteract the effects of the meds, and the limited exercise bit, but I don't go nuts over the extra weight I have gained. I've learned to live with it, to accept myself as I am NOW versus who I was when I was 20.

 

I have limitations I didn't simply have then, and yes, my waistline is showing those limitations, but it's not the end of everything that I am heavier than I was, shrug.

 

BTW, even at 106 I was still wearing clothes that were several sizes bigger than most people at that weight usually wear, the chest and hip ratio again. Being a size 2? Never would have happened even if I had been under 106lbs. I was wearing a size 8-10 most of the time to accommodate the bust and hips and that was fine. I didn't pay attention to the sizes in my clothes at all really. I just bought what fit, regardless of what the tag said and didn't get a complex about it.

 

Now, I am not saying walking around with an extra 100lbs on you is a good thing, far from it, that's an unhealthy extreme too, but I do know from personal experience that a lot of people have unrealistic expectations of what they should weigh based on media and peer pressure and other things. Many of us will work out and starve literally for years until it finally hits us one day that we are just not enjoying our life anymore because it's become ALL about the diet, the workout et all.

 

That may well be what this guy's wife has been doing for years. Fighting her own body to stay as slim as society would have her be. Maybe she just hit the wall, and decided to accept herself as she is. Maybe the perfect weight for her at her age now simply isn't the lower weight it was 10 years ago.

 

I can only speak for myself on this one, but I know mine surely isn't.

 

It's not what it is now, but it's definitely not 106lbs either.

 

FYI, I maintained that weight for most of my late teens and through my mid 20's but doing it was REALLY hard and required far more sacrifice than I was willing to make for the next 60 odd years. It wasn't doing my health any good, so yeah, I stopped myself from obsessing about food, and readjusted my thinking about my weight.

 

I actually like to weight about 125-130 which is technically about 15-20 lbs more than what the charts suggest for my height. That's a good healthy weight for me. I don't have to starve to maintain it, and it looks good on me. Most people? They see me at that weight and assume I am a lot thinner actually, but then they don't take into account the boob and bum factor, either lol.

 

I actually speak to performing kids about this issue sometimes, about how artificial the standards in the media industries can be when it comes to weight. About how often what's actually healthy is seen as fat, and about how hard it is to beat those artificial standards, to look at themselves objectively and to realize that weight is only one part of game when it comes to staying healthy.

 

Things are changing though...

 

One of the local dance schools here has hired a nutritionist to talk to the students, and any student that is found to be underweight is banned from class until their weight is back up to a healthy level. The major dance company here has followed suit, albeit to a lesser degree. They make a point now of educating their dancers about nutrition and eating disorders and they do monitor the weights of their dancers, and while they still have a lot of very thin ladies working for them, they do not allow the health of the dancers to take a back seat to their goals.

 

Me, I am applauding their efforts.

 

It's really nice to be able to meet kids who aren't obsessing over their weight all the time.

 

I'm still seeing far too many kids, young kids, though who are not capable of looking into the mirror and seeing themselves as they really are. While it's true many of them do have a weight problem and that they do need to learn about nutrition and exercise et all, I've seen kids as young as 6 or 7 actually calling themselves "fat" when they are far from being so.

 

In my generation a lot of us grew up thinking that being VERY thin was perfectly normal. It's not, but you look at enough magazines and films you'll start to think it is and if you're like most of us you'll spend a lot of time in the gym trying to look like those pictures and those movie stars.

 

In actuality they are about as far from normal as it gets, but for many of us it's a really hard thing to realize it and go from there. Holllywood, it wants us all to look "perfect" but the reality of it is that we just can't be like those people we see on screen unless we're willing to go through what they go through to be like that, and for many of us?

 

That means extreme diets, extreme workouts,and even surgery.

 

Is it worth it?

 

Only the individual can decide.

 

But it wasn't for me.

[daisydufas22]

He doesn't need counseling. He needs to tell his wife his feelings and remind her that it was one of things really appreciated about her when they got together.

 

 

He has been married 20 years and has felt this way for 2 years but cannot talk to his wife.....OMG, communication problems! That's a GOOD reason to go to counselling! SO he can sort out his communication problems and I am guessing the other problems this guy has!

 

The problem is he runs to the Net to deal with his problems rather than talk to his wife......... MAJOR PROBLEM IN COMMUNICATING!!!!!!!

 

In short...he needs to stop picking on his wife....... and GO to counselling!

[sb129]

Why is she taking anti-anxiety medication? There must be SOME reason for it, and perhaps that's the same reason she no longer is interested in previous exercise and weight watching, perhaps the medication is killing her sex drive...or perhaps her previous anxiety is what drove her to exercise.

 

When did she start taking the medication, and did that coincide with the time she lost interest in sex and exercise? What anti-anxiety medication is she taking? Why is she taking it without associated counseling from a therapist?

 

This part of the situation gets skimmed over time and time again. The OP doesn't seem to appreciate the significance of it.

 

 

If she's on anti-anxiety meds, that can definitiely affect things. I gained 50 lbs within 6 months when I took Paxil (combination of working downtown right after 9/11, brother's legal problems & mom's cancer). I went off them & that 50 lbs came off quickly, just working on the 10 since then & the 40 to get to my goal.

 

And if so, would you feel the way you do if she had to go on steroids to breathe if she had asthma?

 

I CAN'T believe that after nearly 40 pages, the OP STILL hasn't addressed this issue with his W. His complacency about good communication is going to end up backfiring, as when he finally gets the balls to talk to his W aboutit, she will most likely say "WTF have you left it this long to talk to me"?

 

I personally expect my fiance to address any issues he may have with me as soon as possible so we can work on them and not let them fester. He expects the same of me. Festering issues can destroy a R.

 

I

[norajane]

This part of the situation gets skimmed over time and time again. The OP doesn't seem to appreciate the significance of it.

 

It is significant, though. People don't start taking anti-anxiety medication unless they have anxiety. I find it hard to understand how his wife could be taking them and he doesn't know what for, or what the side effects might be.

[Tomcat33]

I've read practically the entire thread, and to me this sounds a lot less about he mere 25lbs this woman has gained and more about what is going on with the OP himself. There is another underlying issue going on here and I think that it has less to do with her actual weight gain and more to do with the fact the OP is either bored or going through some personal crisis re. where he stands in his life and with his marriage to this woman. Sort of the 7yr itch thing but disguised as a concern for his W's weight.

 

I think even if she did lose the weight he would find another reason to distance himself. I mean c'mon she is taking anti-anxiety meds and he is clueless as to why!?!? Talk about completely checking out!

Now do you knot know this because you are punishing her for her weight gain by not taking interest in her problems? Or are you just generally selfihs and so into yourself that you are clueless as to what your wife's health involves? I think we should analize how a man that can be so demanding not have a clue about his W's medical condition moreso than why she gained 25 lbs in 10 yrs.

 

 

And some people are suggesting "talk to her since you are at the point of divorce"!?!? where does it say anywhere this man is at a point of divorce!?!? he is no where near thinking of divorce he is just looking for an excuse to check out for a while. BIG difference.

 

25lbs is nothing, absolutely nothing. It's like someone said, if you found her attractive during her pregnancies there is no reason why you should feel turned off now. It's not about her weight per say the issue is deeper, and you need to get to the bottom of what that issue is. Forget couples concelling so that the therapist and you can gang up on your wife, YOU go get councelling and get to the bottom of why something so insignificant is such a big deal for you and find out what it ACTUALLY represents. Figure out a way in which you can communicate to her what you are telling us. If your wife weigihed 180lbs and lead a sedentary life and could not stop her execisse eating habbits and gained 25lbs per months I'd understand but worrying that she will gian 5lbs over Christmas is RIDICULOUS and you should be ashamed to be making such claims.

 

If you find her THAT repulsive you need to talk to her and stop btchng about her with strangers. Nothing we can say here is going to change your mind or the fact your "attraction" is extinguished.

If you are afraid there is no stopping her weight gain and are worried for where she is headed you OWE it to her and yourself to talk to her in a loving way.

[Try2BeSupportive]

It is significant, though. People don't start taking anti-anxiety medication unless they have anxiety. I find it hard to understand how his wife could be taking them and he doesn't know what for, or what the side effects might be.

 

She takes effexor for social anxiety disorder. Been taking it for several years, long before the weight related changes. She has said this drug does not caused her any side effects (unlike some earlier drugs she tried). You think maybe things have changed and now the drug is causing side effects? Perhaps. Worth discussing with her, maybe this is now effecting her libido. Regarding weight gain, her diet and exercise pattern have changed dramatically while her meds have been constant throughout - so I have a hard time seeing any correlation there to effexor.

[Trialbyfire]

She takes effexor for social anxiety disorder. Been taking it for several years, long before the weight related changes. She has said this drug does not caused her any side effects (unlike some earlier drugs she tried). You think maybe things have changed and now the drug is causing side effects? Perhaps. Worth discussing with her, maybe this is now effecting her libido. Regarding weight gain, her diet and exercise pattern have changed dramatically while her meds have been constant throughout - so I have a hard time seeing any correlation there to effexor.

Less common side effects: Mood or mental changes.

 

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/sfx/a/sfx_effexor.htm

[Try2BeSupportive]

I think we should analize how a man that can be so demanding not have a clue about his W's medical condition moreso than why she gained 25 lbs in 10 yrs.

I know alot about her meds, I was just slow in responding to that particular question. See my reply to norajane.

 

25lbs is nothing, absolutely nothing.

Did you miss the part where I said the several (at least 4 different people) congratulated her on expecting a baby? These were females who said that, shouldn't they know better? So maybe to you a total size increase of 20% means nothing but obviously on my wife the appearance change is quite dramatic.

 

YOU go get councelling and get to the bottom of why something so insignificant is such a big deal for you and find out what it ACTUALLY represents. Figure out a way in which you can communicate to her what you are telling us.

To you maybe this is insignificant. To me it has been a very big deal for over a year and I need some help here.

 

If you find her THAT repulsive you need to talk to her and stop btchng about her with strangers. Nothing we can say here is going to change your mind or the fact your "attraction" is extinguished.

If you are afraid there is no stopping her weight gain and are worried for where she is headed you OWE it to her and yourself to talk to her in a loving way.

In between alot of heated rants, there has actually been a good amount of valuable information posted here. I believe my conversations with her have been much kinder due to things I have learned here and yes some open venting on here.

 

After my run today, I challenged her by saying "your turn!" and she got out and did it.

[Starry-eyed]

If your hair is falling out you probably are not getting enough fat, or B vitamins. Look for nail ridges too, that goes to B vitamins and low calcium Hair needs some fat and those vitamins in particular to be healthy.

 

Yeah, I really wonder if that's been affecting my hair (my diet), but it also could be other things. But interesting that your hair went through changes, too. I don't think my skin is drier, though, and I've always had nail ridges. I'm glad your hair came back!

 

 

 

They just looked at me said I was "stunning" otherwise but that I needed to lose 20lbs. Now, they hadn't weighed me so they didn't know that I only weighed 106, but in their eyes even at that weight I was still "too heavy" for the camera.

 

That's a whole crazy story. It can be so hard to resist that pressure and those external images of how women are supposed to look. You are a strong and intelligent person that you could finally see past that and realize life is not worth living if you're going to be starving and dried up. And that there is so much more to a person than weight.

 

Now, in order to maintain that low weight? I was working out 4X-5X a week, eating exactly 1200 cals a day, and basically living in a state of virtual starvation.

 

I wonder how many models and actresses and other super-slim people we see are living that way? Starving or other eating disorders? Constantly obsessing about food?

 

Honestly, I think when it comes to weight you have to look at yourself in the mirror and forget what the charts and the magazines say. If you're walking around and you don't have a big belly and you look good in a pair of jeans that fit you, then let it be. Live your life and stop obsessing over food.

 

That's great advice. I'm working on following that, on accepting whatever size I am and not starving myself or overeating or whatever.

 

It's neat that you're able to talk to kids about some of these issues and you see some changes slowly occuring.

 

 

 

That may well be what this guy's wife has been doing for years. Fighting her own body to stay as slim as society would have her be. Maybe she just hit the wall, and decided to accept herself as she is. Maybe the perfect weight for her at her age now simply isn't the lower weight it was 10 years ago.

 

 

Yeah, what if that is what happened? She was sacrificing or spending too much energy to maintain that weight and finally got tired of it.

[sb129]

It is significant, though. People don't start taking anti-anxiety medication unless they have anxiety. I find it hard to understand how his wife could be taking them and he doesn't know what for, or what the side effects might be.

 

Precisely.

 

I mean c'mon she is taking anti-anxiety meds and he is clueless as to why!?!? Talk about completely checking out!

 

Yup: see below

 

She takes effexor for social anxiety disorder. Been taking it for several years, long before the weight related changes. She has said this drug does not caused her any side effects (unlike some earlier drugs she tried). You think maybe things have changed and now the drug is causing side effects? Perhaps. Worth discussing with her, maybe this is now effecting her libido. Regarding weight gain, her diet and exercise pattern have changed dramatically while her meds have been constant throughout - so I have a hard time seeing any correlation there to effexor.

 

The meds are not a problem per se- but the REASON she is taking them could be.

Does this not concern you at all? If my partner had a social anxiety disorder, I would be much more concerned with helping them to recover from THAT than losing 25lbs. Perhaps if she dealt with the anxiety, the resultant restoration to her mental health would help her get back on track physically.

[Impudent Oyster]

Do I try to change her mind about accepting her own weight gain?

Do I just quietly stop having sex with her (already pretty infrequent)?

Do I file for divorce and never explain why?

Do I have sex but pretend I am attracted when actually I am not?

 

Divorce her immediately so she can go and find a grown-up.

[luvmy2ns]

I think he's afraid of her continuing to "grow" out if she doesn't do something about her lifestyle. I don't blame him.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Divorce her immediately so she can go and find a grown-up.

 

grown-up [grohn-uhp] adjective

1. person (age>40) who believes that regular exercise and healthy food choices are too much effort and simply not worth the bother any more
   
2. one who accepts the fact that eating 400 calories of chocolate every night after 9pm is a normal part of aging
   
3. an asexual being, avoiding all sexual contact with their spouse
   
4. adult conceding their marriage partner will likewise eat with impunity and avoid any activity that might cause elevated heart rate or (god forbid!) perspiration, thereby ensuring increased weight
   
5. mature human displaying zero effort in their own physical appearance, while blissfully unaware of the similar transformation of their spouse

[bish]

grown-up [grohn-uhp] adjective

1. person (age>40) who believes that regular exercise and healthy food choices are too much effort and simply not worth the bother any more
   
2. one who accepts the fact that eating 400 calories of chocolate every night after 9pm is a normal part of aging
   
3. an asexual being, avoiding all sexual contact with their spouse
   
4. adult conceding their marriage partner will likewise eat with impunity and avoid any activity that might cause elevated heart rate or (god forbid!) perspiration, thereby ensuring increased weight
   
5. mature human displaying zero effort in their own physical appearance, while blissfully unaware of the similar transformation of their spouse

 

For god's sake man, if you have this much contempt for her to say these things and insinuate she is not a "grown-up"...then freakin' divorce her already.

 

Its obvious you don't love her by the way you talk about her like she is crap. So divorce her already so she can get on with her life.

[norajane]

The meds are not a problem per se- but the REASON she is taking them could be.

Does this not concern you at all? If my partner had a social anxiety disorder, I would be much more concerned with helping them to recover from THAT than losing 25lbs. Perhaps if she dealt with the anxiety, the resultant restoration to her mental health would help her get back on track physically.

 

Exactly!

 

What form does this 'social anxiety disorder' take? Is she afraid of meeting new people? Is she afraid of being judged by people? Is she afraid of using public restroom? Is she afraid of going to the gym and being judged as fat by the people there...?

 

It seems like a catch-all for a whole slew of symptoms and issues, and just taking drugs doesn't address the actual issue. TTBS, do you know what her particular disorder is? Do you know that social anxiety disorder is often a pre-cursor to depression? Do you know that eating - comfort food - can be a method of coping? Do you see how she might be avoiding activities - like going to the gym as well as getting a job - because of the disorder?

 

Why isn't she seeing a therapist to talk through her issues? Why is she just taking drugs? Is she planning to take these drugs for the rest of her life?