wife's weight

[daisydufas22]

To the guy who wrote this.........

 

Have you done anything about the situation yet? TAKE ACTION....... you are annoyed at your wife for not taking action about her weight and yet you take NO ACTION about this problem!

 

Just show your wife this thread if you cannot talk to her...... TAKE ACTION, if you expect others to then you should DO THE SAME!

 

IMO......I think you are a bully towards your wife and I feel sorry for her.

[daisydufas22]

For god's sake man, if you have this much contempt for her to say these things and insinuate she is not a "grown-up"...then freakin' divorce her already.

 

Its obvious you don't love her by the way you talk about her like she is crap. So divorce her already so she can get on with her life.

 

 

This guy insults her for taking no action about her weight, however he takes NO ACTION about this problems and whinges about it on the Net!

 

He expects others to take action but he takes no action himself.

 

He will never listen to reason.......he can only point the finger at others for not taking action about an issue when in fact he does the same thing.

 

He will never divorce her.....that would mean he would take some kind of action.

 

He just likes to whinge!

 

I wonder what his pay off is?

[Try2BeSupportive]

Exactly!What form does this 'social anxiety disorder' take?

Before the meds she would (occasionally and unpredictably) have severe anxiety symptoms (blushing, sweating, etc) in situations like being in a crowd of unfamiliar people or speaking in front of an audience. I never witnessed this (because it is invisible) but she says the effexor is working. Her social anxiety has been an issue for her long before we ever met, before she had any effective treatment or therapy, so not sure why that would be affecting her now, especially because the meds are working.

 

You suggest her eating and avoiding the gym may be a coping mechanism. If so, the worst thing I could do is to ignore / accept this (like most folks here have suggested). At the risk of being called unsympathetic (or worse) I am not one to make excuses over the myriad issues (like social anxiety disorder) that all of us have. I have plenty of my own issues (did I just hear a collective NO $H1T from across the 'Net?) that would make it easy to say - I should just stay home from work today - I need a break - Just relax and watch TV this afternoon - and occasionally that is fine but I do not allow excuses to interfere with living my life.

 

Lately each time after my own workout I have been encouraging her to have a turn. This has been working - she made it to her gym twice this week. I have been very complimentary of her getting back into it.

 

On the snacking issue, I am not saying much about this right now. Instead I have been silently eliminating some junk from the house (threw away several thanksgiving leftover cakes/pies, etc). Also I keep requesting she buy fatfree popcorn and soup, ostensibly for myself but in fact she has been the main consumer so that is an improvement.

 

I disagree with the NO ACTION comments - if you have some actionable suggestions then please share.

[daisydufas22]

I disagree with the NO ACTION comments - if you have some actionable suggestions then please share.

 

Talk to your wife about the issue....... if you don't know how to communicate effectively then counselling can help you!

[luvmy2ns]

grown-up [grohn-uhp] adjective

1. person (age>40) who believes that regular exercise and healthy food choices are too much effort and simply not worth the bother any more
   
2. one who accepts the fact that eating 400 calories of chocolate every night after 9pm is a normal part of aging
   
3. an asexual being, avoiding all sexual contact with their spouse
   
4. adult conceding their marriage partner will likewise eat with impunity and avoid any activity that might cause elevated heart rate or (god forbid!) perspiration, thereby ensuring increased weight
   
5. mature human displaying zero effort in their own physical appearance, while blissfully unaware of the similar transformation of their spouse

 

FANTASTIC non-confrontational comeback!

[daisydufas22]

FANTASTIC non-confrontational comeback!

 

 

He takes no action....... he is annoyed at his wife for taking no action and yet he takes no action.

 

He needs to take action!

[luvmy2ns]

He takes no action....... he is annoyed at his wife for taking no action and yet he takes no action.

 

He needs to take action!

 

You must not have read the whole thread. He has, in fact, "taken action." He has talked with his wife in a way that was recommended to him by one of the folks here and has employed some subtle tactics that may help his wife with her snacking and exercise choices. He simply came here to get advice on how to approach his wife without hurting her feelings, and he got attacked by people who have the audacity to tell him how he should feel about the possibility of having a fat wife were she to continue her lifestyle.

[JamesM]

He takes no action....... he is annoyed at his wife for taking no action and yet he takes no action.

 

He needs to take action!

 

He has taken an action many times.

 

As much as you like to say he is "whinging" on his computer, this alone is a big step. When I first came here as a result of a sexless marriage, I was on the brink of an affair. I stepped back and decided to look for solutions. I have found some...even if my marriage is not perfect yet.

 

This was an action that has made some good changes in my wife's health and attitude. It has made me see things differently. It has given me hope many times.

 

No, T2BS has taken a huge step by taking time to tell his story over and over while knowing he will be criticized for his feelings. While to you he may not have taken the actions you desire, this does not mean that the actions he is taking is not having an effect on his marriage. Some changes take time to work. And if the actions he is taking is not working, at least he is learning what actions don't work, so he can proceed to try more.

 

I think it is good to keep giving T2BS ideas and solutions. One never knows what may be the one which changes his marriage and his wife's life.

[daisydufas22]

Whinge, whinge, whinge....... TAKE ACTION!!!!!!!!

[luvmy2ns]

...whine...

[luvmy2ns]

Whinge, whinge, whinge....... TAKE ACTION!!!!!!!!

 

Judging only by your demeanor on LS, it seems your method would be to march into the house and yell, "Listen, fatass! Get to the f'ing gym, or we're through!" That's not this guy's style. Thus, the Q&A.

[bish]

Judging only by your demeanor on LS, it seems your method would be to march into the house and yell, "Listen, fatass! Get to the f'ing gym, or we're through!" That's not this guy's style. Thus, the Q&A.

 

Nah, instead the guy said he'd be watching her plate at Thanksgiving. Thats pretty sad.

 

I bet he felt sick to his stomach sitting there watching the fork go from the plate to her mouth and he just wanted to jump up and take the fork away from her.

 

When he stated he'd be watching her plate at Thanksgiving...that shows how obsessed he is with this and how little he thinks of his wife.

[Try2BeSupportive]

To those who call me a Do Nothing Complainer, here are some of my recent actions, originated by suggestions heard on loveshack:

 

-asked about her energy level and if she should get her thyroid tested - which she has done

-spoke with her about not going to her gym like she used to - I have brought this up several times, and last week she went once (first time since April) and twice this week

-found a healthier alternative snack (low fat popcorn) that she seems to be enjoying

-read every word of the 540 posts in this thread - there is alot of valuable knowledge (but alot of noise too)

[Racquel Colette]

What if she is happy being a 150 pound curvy, healthy woman, and has no intentions of being 130 pounds ever again? You don't know what she's eating when you're not there so....you might just have to learn to accept her as a sexy woman and forget about that she isn't a slim woman, but a curvy, sexy, hot woman who is happy with herself. So, she has her 400 calories of chocolate at night. Good for her for enjoying what she wants. It's not like it's 800 calories. This is hardly the action of a slovenly woman. Forget about a number on the scale and love your wife as she is and how she is happy. Trust me, there are men out there who will think your wife is hot as hell if you get a divorce. You made the statement that if you got a divorce she would probably promptly lose weight but I promise you that wouldn't be necessary. Some one will appreciate her for the woman she is, beautiful.

[daisydufas22]

What if she is happy being a 150 pound curvy, healthy woman, and has no intentions of being 130 pounds ever again? You don't know what she's eating when you're not there so....you might just have to learn to accept her as a sexy woman and forget about that she isn't a slim woman, but a curvy, sexy, hot woman who is happy with herself. So, she has her 400 calories of chocolate at night. Good for her for enjoying what she wants. It's not like it's 800 calories. This is hardly the action of a slovenly woman. Forget about a number on the scale and love your wife as she is and how she is happy. Trust me, there are men out there who will think your wife is hot as hell if you get a divorce. You made the statement that if you got a divorce she would probably promptly lose weight but I promise you that wouldn't be necessary. Some one will appreciate her for the woman she is, beautiful.

 

 

Good point!

[daisydufas22]

To those who call me a Do Nothing Complainer, here are some of my recent actions, originated by suggestions heard on loveshack:

 

-asked about her energy level and if she should get her thyroid tested - which she has done

-spoke with her about not going to her gym like she used to - I have brought this up several times, and last week she went once (first time since April) and twice this week

-found a healthier alternative snack (low fat popcorn) that she seems to be enjoying

-read every word of the 540 posts in this thread - there is alot of valuable knowledge (but alot of noise too)

 

Have you spoken to her about how you feel? I thought that's what grown up that were married did! I meant you said it was that bad that you would consider getting a divorce but you have not spoken to her about the issue! TAKE ACTION!!!

[daisydufas22]

Judging only by your demeanor on LS, it seems your method would be to march into the house and yell, "Listen, fatass! Get to the f'ing gym, or we're through!" That's not this guy's style. Thus, the Q&A.

 

 

No that's far from my style.......He said it was so bad he would consider a divorce, hence she needs to know where she stands with him and his expectations. Thus, he needs to communicate effectively with her!

 

By communicating his expectations, she knows where she stands and she can then make a decision about whether or not she wishes to remain in that relationship.

 

This is what grown ups do!

[daisydufas22]

Nah, instead the guy said he'd be watching her plate at Thanksgiving. Thats pretty sad.

 

I bet he felt sick to his stomach sitting there watching the fork go from the plate to her mouth and he just wanted to jump up and take the fork away from her.

 

When he stated he'd be watching her plate at Thanksgiving...that shows how obsessed he is with this and how little he thinks of his wife.

 

 

Can you imagine living with someone that monitors your food intake?

 

I feel so sorry for his wife!!!

[sb129]

Before the meds she would (occasionally and unpredictably) have severe anxiety symptoms (blushing, sweating, etc) in situations like being in a crowd of unfamiliar people or speaking in front of an audience. I never witnessed this (because it is invisible) but she says the effexor is working. Her social anxiety has been an issue for her long before we ever met, before she had any effective treatment or therapy, so not sure why that would be affecting her now, especially because the meds are working.

 

Well- that may be true, but she still may feel uncomfortable in certain situations where there are lots of unfamiliar people- like... the gym!

 

You say you have been married for how long? I can't remember but I know its over 10 years.

Your W has had this disorder for over 10 years, and its never bothered you or caused concern for you enough to perhaps get to the bottom of it?

 

You suggest her eating and avoiding the gym may be a coping mechanism. If so, the worst thing I could do is to ignore / accept this (like most folks here have suggested). At the risk of being called unsympathetic (or worse) I am not one to make excuses over the myriad issues (like social anxiety disorder) that all of us have. I have plenty of my own issues (did I just hear a collective NO $H1T from across the 'Net?) that would make it easy to say - I should just stay home from work today - I need a break - Just relax and watch TV this afternoon - and occasionally that is fine but I do not allow excuses to interfere with living my life.

 

Yes, but you don't have a social anxiety disorder which requires medication to be controlled.

 

Its very easy for people who have never experienced mental ill-health to say "Oh well I would just get on with it, why can't these people just get a grip and get on with it why do they need medication and other lame reasons to excuse their behaviour?"

 

Its not that easy.

 

Believe me, I used to be one of those people who said "Oh get a grip", but when I was depressed, it was AWFUL. I had no desire to do anything, I was miserable, could barely drag myself to work (and didn't on several occasions). Luckily, I am totally through all that now, but I will never forget how terrible it was.

[desertguy]

Its very easy for people who have never experienced mental ill-health to say "Oh well I would just get on with it, why can't these people just get a grip and get on with it why do they need medication and other lame reasons to excuse their behaviour?"

 

Its not that easy.

 

Believe me, I used to be one of those people who said "Oh get a grip", but when I was depressed, it was AWFUL. I had no desire to do anything, I was miserable, could barely drag myself to work (and didn't on several occasions). Luckily, I am totally through all that now, but I will never forget how terrible it was.

 

sb129, no argument here, but medication doesn't always work for everyone (myself included). And even when it does work, it's really a tool, not a cure, except for maybe bipolar, as that seems to be truly biological condition. There are lot's of tools that people can find and discover that can help besides meds.

[sb129]

sb129, no argument here, but medication doesn't always work for everyone (myself included). And even when it does work, it's really a tool, not a cure, except for maybe bipolar, as that seems to be truly biological condition. There are lot's of tools that people can find and discover that can help besides meds.

 

Oh I absolutely agree 100%. Meds for me were a last resort, short term tool to help me function enough to then do the hard work of sorting my head out.

 

With regard to the OP though, he doesn't seem to be interested in helping his wife explore ANY other options apart from meds, which he says "are working", which is satisfactory enough for him. She has been taking the same meds for such a long time now, i wouldn't be surprised if they weren't working as well anymore.

 

What I am trying to say is that he should be a little more understanding of his wifes mental state, and not say things like

"I do not allow excuses to interfere with living my life."

 

Its just not that simple for some people.

 

Maybe his W needs some help/ support to explore alternative methods of dealing with her social anxiety, however he is more fixated on the "extra" 20 odd lbs she is carrying.

[huh]

Well- that may be true, but she still may feel uncomfortable in certain situations where there are lots of unfamiliar people- like... the gym!

 

Yes, the locker room and it's gratuitious naked grooming are anxiety provoking even if one doesn't have social anxiety.

[Racquel Colette]

Well, drugs themselves don't cause you to gain weight. They do affect your appetite. So if a particular drug causes you to be hungry a lot, you have to not change your normal eating habits by eating more to satisfy your higher hunger.

I have heard all the crap about birth control pills causing weight gain but only eating more and exercising less causes weight gain. That is what my doctor said. I totally lost 25 pounds a year and a half ago in three months from exercising (cardio and weight training) and eating clean, and I mean CLEAN. I have kept it off.

Guess what, I was on birth control pills. I am not now, though, but was when I lost the weight.

[sb129]

Nobody was saying that drugs cause you to gain weight. You are right, they can cause change to your behaviour which in turn can lead to weight changes.

 

I too am on oral contraceptives which have not affected my weight at all.

 

With regards to this thread, I think that the reason why the OPs wife is taking the meds is an important issue that needs to be addressed.

Maybe if these issues were resolved, she would be in a better position or frame of mind to then address whether or not she wanted to lose weight.

[Try2BeSupportive]

With regards to this thread, I think that the reason why the OPs wife is taking the meds is an important issue that needs to be addressed. Maybe if these issues were resolved, she would be in a better position or frame of mind to then address whether or not she wanted to lose weight.

 

I really do appreciate your ideas on this thread, but I think the recent traffic is putting way too much focus on a problem that is not really a problem. I, my wife, and everybody else on here already know exactly why she is taking effexor: social anxiety disorder. I posted this a week ago, and there is no mystery about what she is taking or why. I also said earlier the drug is doing exactly what it should do - so the issue (her social anxiety symptoms) has already been resolved. Your post (above) seems to be offering advice where no problem even exists.