wife's weight

[luvmy2ns]

I just had another thought. I am not attracted to men who have grey or white hair.

 

Just how I feel! Just not sexually attracted to them.

 

So how do I approach my husband about dying his greying hair without appearing shallow, selfish, and self absorbed?

 

It really isn't fair--he wasn't like that when I married him...how dare he age and not gracefully either. I expect him to look like the young stud that he was over 20 years ago.

 

Hmmm, not really sure I like the wrinkles I am seeing under his eyes. Perhaps I could tactfully suggest a little eye lift?

 

But wait--what is happening to him is normal and not out of society's norms.....ummmm, maybe I am being a mite shallow?

 

OP, I am accepting the changes that are occurring in my husband as he is accepting the changes that are occurring in me from aging.

 

You wife has put on 20 pounds in 10 years....

 

Okay...I am really done with this thread. Once again I wish you well.

 

Seriously, get over the aging thing. That's been done to death on this thread. I think MOST of us have read all the posts; some - not so much *obviously*

[uniqueone]

Ummmmm.... you obviously quit reading at the part where I said it was two years ago, and he still maintains his weight. Two years ago. EX FWB.

 

What people want here is for someone to say that their overeating and their "letting themselves go" is someone else's fault. SOME of us aren't buying it. The rest...? They'll spill a hot cup of coffee in their lap while negotiating their vehicles through traffic and try to sue the person who served them their coffee.

 

No, I don't think any of us here are saying it's anyone else's fault. That's where you're misreading.

 

You're talking to somebody here who did not place fault upon anyone else back when I wasn't in shape, so I think I know whereof I speak.

[luvmy2ns]

No, I don't think any of us here are saying it's anyone else's fault. That's where you're misreading.

 

You're talking to somebody here who did not place fault upon anyone else back when I wasn't in shape, so I think I know whereof I speak.

 

Then why are you and all these others putting the blame on him? Just because it sounds shallow to you for him to have expectations that his wife wouldn't suddenly become slothful at the young age of 40? And yes, that's young.

[Mr. Lucky]

So how do I approach my husband about dying his greying hair without appearing shallow, selfish, and self absorbed?

Well, if my wife approached me and said she thought I looked better (sexier ) without the grey hair, I'd probably dye it. I'd at least consider her input and opinion. Call me shallow, but how she feels about my appearance is important to me.

Okay...I am really done with this thread.

Not sure I believe you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvmy2ns]

What I fault him for is his lack of empathy and his lack of seeing that he might be playing a part in his partners weight gain, or his lack of understanding the reasons she turns to food.

 

This certainly sounds like blame-placing to me. Please note the use of the term "fault."

[hotgurl]

I have some question that maybe were already answered by I am not reading 16 pages again.

 

How old re the kids?

 

her habits have change as stated before the snacking. Did they change after the kids? Or afters the she got back into her old healthy habits and has recently started snacking?

 

yes he does have a right to be concerned about increasing weight.

 

But right now it is only 20 extra pounds from her pre baby weight.

 

I would honestly be more concerned abou ther change and habits and talk to her about it.

 

While I believe everyone needs to take responsibilty for thier own actions sometiems they need a little help. As her hubby he shoudl help her and the 1st step is taking to het about how she is feeling.

Honestly I got the sense her kids were younger and perhaps she is struggeling as a SAHM.

[uniqueone]

Seriously, get over the aging thing. That's been done to death on this thread. I think MOST of us have read all the posts; some - not so much *obviously*

 

 

So aging has no correlation? Do you know there are changes about aging you don't even realize because they're so gradual? For instance, your face gets wider, your nose droops and your lips get thinner.

 

Do you know that even if someone watches their diet and works out, that after our mid-30's we start to lose muscle regardless? We might not be eating anymore than before and we might still be exercising just as much, but that muscle is turning into fat. It means that as people get older, they have to workout even more to offset it.

 

Do you know that even if you don't gain weight as you get older, it redistributes itself?

 

Do you know that bones start shrinking giving less support to the weight we carry?

 

Do you know that our veins don't work as well which makes fluid pool in our legs---especially in women who've had children---and this makes legs swell?

 

Do you know that in women that have breastfed several children, their breasts sometime end up sagging almost to their waist? Do you know that their stomachs end up with stretched skin that doesn't go away?

 

These things happen to people to different degrees based mainly on genetics. But you can't discount aging. And you can't assume that everyone ages just like you do.

[uniqueone]

Then why are you and all these others putting the blame on him? Just because it sounds shallow to you for him to have expectations that his wife wouldn't suddenly become slothful at the young age of 40? And yes, that's young.

 

Because he doesn't care WHY she eats! Haven't we said this enough?

[luvmy2ns]

So aging has no correlation? Do you know there are changes about aging you don't even realize because they're so gradual? For instance, your face gets wider, your nose droops and your lips get thinner.

 

Do you know that even if someone watches their diet and works out, that after our mid-30's we start to lose muscle regardless? We might not be eating anymore than before and we might still be exercising just as much, but that muscle is turning into fat. It means that as people get older, they have to workout even more to offset it.

 

Do you know that even if you don't gain weight as you get older, it redistributes itself?

 

Do you know that bones start shrinking giving less support to the weight we carry?

 

Do you know that our veins don't work as well which makes fluid pool in our legs---especially in women who've had children---and this makes legs swell?

 

Do you know that in women that have breastfed several children, their breasts sometime end up sagging almost to their waist? Do you know that their stomachs end up with stretched skin that doesn't go away?

 

These things happen to people to different degrees based mainly on genetics. But you can't discount aging. And you can't assume that everyone ages just like you do.

 

I don't need a lesson on aging - I'm 48. However, you left out one point. Aging obviously makes your butt become glued to the couch, the remote control indelibly connected to your hand, and your jaws to feel an inexorable need to continue the chewing motion.

[allina]

I still don't understand why " I love you but the extra weight you have put on is a major turn off" is something we're not allowed to say or think. We have so many threads on LS where people explain their frustrations about a partner's weight and the most common reply is "you should love him/her no matter what" This is true but I think too many of us are failing to acknowledge the fact that a sudden weight gain IS a turn off. Why not be a little more realistic instead of calling in the PC police?

[luvmy2ns]

I still don't understand why " I love you but the extra weight you have put on is a major turn off" is something we're not allowed to say or think. We have so many threads on LS where people explain their frustrations about a partner's weight and the most common reply is "you should love him/her no matter what" This is true but I think too many of us are failing to acknowledge the fact that a sudden weight gain IS a turn off. Why not be a little more realistic instead of calling in the PC police?

 

Geez, I was beginning to think I was (almost) alone (except Mr. Lucky) in my thoughts. I mean, really, my guy is 10 1/2 years older than I am. He hates that he's getting a bit of what he calls "man boobs," but it's just the aging; the natural process of what someone else referred to as the muscles losing a little as we get older. So what? I love that man! However, he does try to eat right and is very active, so he maintains his age-appropriate physique to the best of his ability without changing his entire way of living to do so. He is always doing something to make our home better; just put in new vinyl in the bathroom last night, in fact! If, though, he suddenly became lazy and started eating for two, plus dessert, and packed on 20 lbs with expectation of more to come due to his new, unattractive habits, I would NOT like it. We all have a right to feel how we feel without getting called names for it and being accused of being unsympathetic, shallow, etc. etc. etc.

[hotgurl]

he does try to eat right and is very active, so he maintains his age-appropriate physique to the best of his ability without changing his entire way of living to do so. He is always doing something to make our home better; just put in new vinyl in the bathroom last night, in fact! If, though, he suddenly became lazy and started eating for two, plus dessert, and packed on 20 lbs with expectation of more to come due to his new, unattractive habits, I would NOT like it. We all have a right to feel how we feel without getting called names for it and being accused of being unsympathetic, shallow, etc. etc. etc.

 

 

so if the above happened would you say to yourself jezz my hubby is becoming a fat a$$ and I am losing my sexual attraction to him. what the#$%@!

 

or would you be thinking

 

jeez my hubby has gained some weight and has stopped working on the house and changed his habits etc.. I am worried about him I wonder what is wrong. I'll go talk to him

 

I think most poster take offensive with the OP becuse he is soley thinking along the lines of the 1st thought and the 2nd scerino hasn't even entered his mind.

 

Honestly what you you think if your husband suddenly changed his habbits and packed on weight would you be concerned for his welfare or for his appreance?

[luvmy2ns]

so if the above happened would you say to yourself jezz my hubby is becoming a fat a$$ and I am losing my sexual attraction to him. what the#$%@!

 

or would you be thinking

 

jeez my hubby has gained some weight and has stopped working on the house and changed his habits etc.. I am worried about him I wonder what is wrong. I'll go talk to him

 

I think most poster take offensive with the OP becuse he is soley thinking along the lines of the 1st thought and the 2nd scerino hasn't even entered his mind.

 

Honestly what you you think if your husband suddenly changed his habbits and packed on weight would you be concerned for his welfare or for his appreance?

 

The OP's wife already made a very firm statement that she would NOT be worrying about her eating habits, and that she was just fine eating more calories than she burns and not moving from in front of the TV. If my guy took that kind of stance, you wanna know what I would think? I would think he didn't give a flyin' rat's ass whether I found him attractive or not, and it would piss me off. You betcha.

[hotgurl]

The OP's wife already made a very firm statement that she would NOT be worrying about her eating habits, and that she was just fine eating more calories than she burns and not moving from in front of the TV. If my guy took that kind of stance, you wanna know what I would think? I would think he didn't give a flyin' rat's ass whether I found him attractive or not, and it would piss me off. You betcha.

 

I guess I would be more worried about the change of behavior.

 

My BF too is very fit watches his weight. Exercises regularlly. if all of a sudden he was more than content to sit on the couch watch TV and eat I would think there was something very serious going on ie. depression. I would be worried before I was disgusted by the behavior.

[luvmy2ns]

I guess I would be more worried about the change of behavior.

 

My BF too is very fit watches his weight. Exercises regularlly. if all of a sudden he was more than content to sit on the couch watch TV and eat I would think there was something very serious going on ie. depression. I would be worried before I was disgusted by the behavior.

 

Oh, yeah, I would most certainly be worried, but if, when I tried to talk to him about it, he started on the same track the OP's wife did, I would be PO'd, no doubt.

[uniqueone]

Maybe THIS is why she doesn't care to stop eating.....(warning...kinda long)

 

Let's say she's got problems at work....someone just got the promotion that was due to her and she's worked long hours for it. She tries to discuss her feelings about it to her husband, but he's too busy staring at his 31 inch waist in the mirror admiring himself.

Meanwhile, after work, she's busy picking up the kids. On the other hand, he's going to the gym. She takes one of the kids to soccer practice and the other kid tells her that tomorrow they need three items for a school bake sale and that they forgot that they have a science project due.

 

After the soccer practice, she grabs the items for the bake sale at the store, picks up some supplies to make a science project, plus picks up something quick for dinner.

 

She gets home and he's back from the gym reading the paper. The place is a mess and she starts to pick things up. She tries to get him to help and he makes a half-hearted attempt at it. She can either argue with him about helping her or do it herself. She's too tired to argue so she does it herself.

He asks what's for dinner. She wants to know why he expects her to plan dinner, but again that would start an argument and the kids are hungry and there's no time for that. He turns up his nose at the food she's picked up for dinner.

 

After dinner, she does the dishes and starts helping her kid with the Science project. He's on the computer surfing.

 

Then he mentions that he forgot to tell her that his parents are coming to visit this weekend and will be staying with them for a few days. He says it's no big deal, but she knows that this will involve heavy duty house cleaning (his mother is very critical) and spending time talking to his mother for hours (while he does his own thing). She had planned to take some time for herself that weekend.

 

By the time she finishes with everything with the kids, it's late and she's exhausted. She gets into bed and he starts pawing at her. She feels tired and resentful and wants nothing to do with any of his touching and she tries to get him to leave her alone.

 

Repeatedly, she tries to tell him the stress she's under and how it's getting to her and that she needs his help and that she needs him to just listen to her. Repeatedly he ignores her and only talks 'surface' issues such as the weather, what's up with his buddies, who won the football game, etc....

 

Her stress and anxiety makes her turn to food for comfort. After she snacks, the endorphins kick in and it makes her calm. For awhile after eating, she feels relaxed and stress free. He doesn't seem to be pawing at her as much anymore and she couldn't care less. She's glad to be left alone and she finally gets her badly needed sleep.

 

He mentions that she needs to stop eating and (by this point) she says she's perfectly ok with her eating and she's not going to stop.

 

Do you see how she got to that point?

[luvmy2ns]

Nice fiction. You should be a writer. So you're saying you intimately know these people then.

[hotgurl]

well it is hard to give great advice without knowing the whole story.

 

I think as a mother guilt plays into stuff a lot. It took me a long time to realized that feeling guilty about taking care of myself was actually couter productive.

 

I was much like the lady in Unique example busy stressed tired going to school taking care of a toddler not eating all day but chowing down at night slowly my weight ballooned.

 

Than I got a steady job graduated college I dropped 30 lbs not even trying.

 

Than school for my daugther started I was busy busy busy and I started gaining again I knew I needed to do something but what I had no time. I felt guilty about taking time away from my daughter. It took me getting really really sick (not realated to weight) to realize I needed to take care of myself.

 

40 pounds lighter I couldn't feel better. thank go my BF didn't leave me before I lost the weight that would just add more stress!

 

But I had to do it for myself. It was me saying enough is enough. It did help at the time I had a supportive BF who watched my daughter while I ws at weight watchers ect....

 

at the end of the day what it boils down to is that although hubby can help it is the wife who has to want to do the work.

 

So he needs to decided to try to help her or not. Also whether or not he can stay with a wife he is no attracted to.

 

But he should at least talk to her about the eating habits and what is going on. After that he needs to make a decision about what to do.

[bish]

I just had another thought. I am not attracted to men who have grey or white hair.

 

Just how I feel! Just not sexually attracted to them.

 

So how do I approach my husband about dying his graying hair without appearing shallow, selfish, and self absorbed?

 

Well what if you weren't attracted to bald men? Some guys just can't help that. Nothing they did, no "lifestyle change".....

 

Maybe if women followed AintTooDamnSupportive's way of thinking, they could divorce their husband because they fell out of attraction in their twilight years.

[uniqueone]

well it is hard to give great advice without knowing the whole story.

 

I think as a mother guilt plays into stuff a lot. It took me a long time to realized that feeling guilty about taking care of myself was actually couter productive.

 

I was much like the lady in Unique example busy stressed tired going to school taking care of a toddler not eating all day but chowing down at night slowly my weight ballooned.

 

Than I got a steady job graduated college I dropped 30 lbs not even trying.

 

Than school for my daugther started I was busy busy busy and I started gaining again I knew I needed to do something but what I had no time. I felt guilty about taking time away from my daughter. It took me getting really really sick (not realated to weight) to realize I needed to take care of myself.

 

40 pounds lighter I couldn't feel better. thank go my BF didn't leave me before I lost the weight that would just add more stress!

 

But I had to do it for myself. It was me saying enough is enough. It did help at the time I had a supportive BF who watched my daughter while I ws at weight watchers ect....

 

at the end of the day what it boils down to is that although hubby can help it is the wife who has to want to do the work.

 

So he needs to decided to try to help her or not. Also whether or not he can stay with a wife he is no attracted to.

 

But he should at least talk to her about the eating habits and what is going on. After that he needs to make a decision about what to do.

 

It's up to the woman....yes, that is true. But it can be that the husband contributes to it. Not all situations are the same. Your guy wasn't necessarily like the OP. And if your guy WAS like the OP and you tolerated it, then that is another thread entirely.

[uniqueone]

Nice fiction. You should be a writer. So you're saying you intimately know these people then.

 

 

Thanks...I AM a writer.....not of fiction though.

 

As far as knowing them intimately.....have you heard of examples? Well...that was one of them.

[luvmy2ns]

A while ago she joined Weight Watchers and over a 2 month period she lost 13 pounds and was working hard and really looking great! I was totally supportive of her efforts and kept praising how good she looked. But for unknown reasons she stopped going. She has since gained back 3 pounds and has resumed her nightly snack ritual.

 

She told me that WeightWatchers mailed her a postcard to ask how she was doing and I kindly asked if she was going back? She said NO I am holding steady and I do not want to live a lifestyle to lose any more weight. If only it were true (holding steady) but I see her lifestyle putting every lost pound right back on, not to mention the extra 20 pounds she already is carrying.

 

So she was going, then lost interest. And you're right. SHE has to do it. You told yourself enough is enough. Right on Sistuh! Take ownership! Good for you!!! Not that it's not the right thing for him to be supportive, but it doesn't sound like the OP's wife wants support. She simply wants to veg out and eat.

[luvmy2ns]

Thanks...I AM a writer.....not of fiction though.

 

As far as knowing them intimately.....have you heard of examples? Well...that was one of them.

 

An example you attributed to their daily life. Nice try. As for my ex FWB, he realized how his behavior appeared; gluttonous and lazy. He realized why a woman wouldn't be attracted to those traits and why, if he wants a reasonably fit woman, he has to also be reasonably fit himself, lest he be a hypocrite.

[luvmy2ns]

It's up to the woman....yes, that is true. But it can be that the husband contributes to it. Not all situations are the same. Your guy wasn't necessarily like the OP. And if your guy WAS like the OP and you tolerated it, then that is another thread entirely.

 

You certainly assume much about the OP simply because he doesn't want his wife to get any fatter. Wow. If I could rate someone's integrity and depth of personality simply on knowing a trait they don't find attractive in a person, I could be writing books.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let's say she's got problems at work....someone just got the promotion that was due to her and she's worked long hours for it. She tries to discuss her feelings about it to her husband, but he's too busy staring at his 31 inch waist in the mirror admiring himself.

Meanwhile, after work, she's busy picking up the kids. On the other hand, he's going to the gym. She takes one of the kids to soccer practice and the other kid tells her that tomorrow they need three items for a school bake sale and that they forgot that they have a science project due.

 

After the soccer practice, she grabs the items for the bake sale at the store, picks up some supplies to make a science project, plus picks up something quick for dinner.

 

She gets home and he's back from the gym reading the paper. The place is a mess and she starts to pick things up. She tries to get him to help and he makes a half-hearted attempt at it. She can either argue with him about helping her or do it herself. She's too tired to argue so she does it herself.

He asks what's for dinner. She wants to know why he expects her to plan dinner, but again that would start an argument and the kids are hungry and there's no time for that. He turns up his nose at the food she's picked up for dinner.

 

After dinner, she does the dishes and starts helping her kid with the Science project. He's on the computer surfing.

 

Then he mentions that he forgot to tell her that his parents are coming to visit this weekend and will be staying with them for a few days. He says it's no big deal, but she knows that this will involve heavy duty house cleaning (his mother is very critical) and spending time talking to his mother for hours (while he does his own thing). She had planned to take some time for herself that weekend.

 

By the time she finishes with everything with the kids, it's late and she's exhausted. She gets into bed and he starts pawing at her. She feels tired and resentful and wants nothing to do with any of his touching and she tries to get him to leave her alone.

 

Repeatedly, she tries to tell him the stress she's under and how it's getting to her and that she needs his help and that she needs him to just listen to her. Repeatedly he ignores her and only talks 'surface' issues such as the weather, what's up with his buddies, who won the football game, etc....

 

Her stress and anxiety makes her turn to food for comfort. After she snacks, the endorphins kick in and it makes her calm. For awhile after eating, she feels relaxed and stress free. He doesn't seem to be pawing at her as much anymore and she couldn't care less. She's glad to be left alone and she finally gets her badly needed sleep.

 

He mentions that she needs to stop eating and (by this point) she says she's perfectly ok with her eating and she's not going to stop.

Pretty good synopsis of a script idea for the Lifetime Channel as they are usually interested in this kind of agenda-based fluff. As far as relating to the written facts in this thread - meaningless...

 

Mr. Lucky