wife's weight

[norajane]

T2BS - I've read through this whole thread, and I agree with those who have said you seriously need to consider WHY your wife is not the same person she used to be. I'm not specifically speaking of her weight, but her behavior.

 

You need to communicate with her. Tell her you've noticed that she used to be active and would enjoy (playing tennis, jogging, whatever), and over the last few years that's changed. Ask her why that's changed, and why she's lost interest in doing the things she used to do. Ask her if she's feeling depressed or bored. Ask her if she's tired of being a SAHM and would want to find a job. Ask her if she's happy with your marriage. Ask her if she's bored with your sex life, because you've noticed you don't have much sex anymore and she rarely initiates it. Ask her if your marriage is in trouble and if she's not attracted to you anymore.

 

Start the conversation asking what's going on with her and her feelings about your marriage. And listen to what she says. Don't talk over her, don't try to put your viewpoint across right away, don't try to explain to her she's "wrong", don't try to fix her, don't do anything but listen.

 

You'll have a chance to express your feelings that you aren't happy with your sex life, that you fear the two of you are growing distant, that you fear she'd rather be alone watching tv or reading while eating in the evenings than talking with you, or having sex with you, and that you fear that you also are losing attraction to her. But first, listen.

 

There's so much going on in this marriage that you aren't talking about with each other. The loss of attraction you feel at her weight gain is one of the issues, but do you have any idea at all why she doesn't want to have sex with you? There's a reason for it, and it's probably related to why she doesn't enjoy that any more than she enjoys exercising anymore.

 

If you can't imagine talking about ALL these things openly, honestly, and being able to listen as well as talk, then please, find a marriage counselor to help you. Your marriage will only grow colder if you BOTH let your resentments build up. Her external change is obvious to you...is her internal change, her thoughts, her dreams, her wishes, her desires, her fears, her goals, her hopes...are those as obvious? Does she know yours?

[Racquel Colette]

You people are unbelievable. You're hell bent on making excuses for someone to become lazy and overeat! Hitting too close to home, or what?

 

You are the one who is getting more worked up than anyone else. Why is it hard to believe that love can stay strong, and even get stronger, whether the partner gains 25 pounds or not. And yes, I'm talking romantic love.

It seems that it might be hitting home to you in your own relationship. I don't think you really understand true and deep romantic love at all because such love is not transient, definitely not to the point that 25 pounds would diminish it in any way.

It saddens me that you do not have this kind of love and you are mistaking what you have for the real thing.

[luvmy2ns]

You are the one who is getting more worked up than anyone else. Why is it hard to believe that love can stay strong, and even get stronger, whether the partner gains 25 pounds or not. And yes, I'm talking romantic love.

It seems that it might be hitting home to you in your own relationship. I don't think you really understand true and deep romantic love at all because such love is not transient, definitely not to the point that 25 pounds would diminish it in any way.

It saddens me that you do not have this kind of love and you are mistaking what you have for the real thing.

 

Nice try, but from your overly defensive attitude toward BOTH of the weight threads going right now, I have a mind's image...

[uniqueone]

Nice try, but from your overly defensive attitude toward BOTH of the weight threads going right now, I have a mind's image...

I have a mind's image too. My mind's image is that she's a pretty cool person with the right kind of values, instead of being absorbed with the superficial, meaningless fluff shown in those lacking depth.

[luvmy2ns]

LMAOROF

[Racquel Colette]

Nice try, but from your overly defensive attitude toward BOTH of the weight threads going right now, I have a mind's image...

 

I'm not being defensive, I just have seen and understood true love and it had nothing to do with weight.

[luvmy2ns]

I understand true love quite well, thank you. Enough to know that your version of true love differs from mine in that yours allows for one partner (or both) to discontinue caring about their partner in whatever area suits them, or makes it easier for them to feed their own selfish wants. The version of true love my honey and I believe in includes OUR want to maintain a reasonable weight, for each other as well as ourselves. My weight fluctuates, as does nearly everyone's. So does my sweety's. But if either of us notices our weight rising, we tell ourselves to cut back on the fatty or sweet foods and increase our activity level. We do that to remain reasonably healthy (not allow fat buildup around the heart as happens when people age and their weight begins to be put on more around the middle) and to remain reasonably attractive to our partner as well. But how dare we be so shallow as to care about those things for our partner as well as ourselves!

[GeminiWoman]

There's so much going on in this marriage that you aren't talking about with each other.

 

I have also read this whole thread with great interest and I have to agree with Norajane and several others. From your description of your wife and her change in lifestyle, there is something going on in the marriage and it's not her weight. The weight is probably a symptom of 'larger' issues. Women, in particular, tend to use eating as a way of relieving stress and comforting themselves. Using external things to comfort ourselves is the way almost everyone tries to cope with stress. BUT it comes in different forms for different people. Some people overeat. Others will work out obsessively. Still others shop too much, work too much, smoke or drink too much, watch TV too much, hang out on the internet too much, diet obsessively, gamble too much, spend all their free time on a hobby to the exclusion of their relationships, etc, etc. These are all coping mechanisms. Some more harmful than others but,nevertheless, aren't really a matter of lack of willpower.

 

The overeating is an attempt to try and soothe herself. In order to 'overcome' something like overeating, it is necessary to get at the root of what is causing the stress. ALL of Norajane's suggestions were excellent and will go much further in helping your wife address her overeating problem than just telling her you are no longer attracted to her.

 

BTW, I speak from the viewpoint of the wife who gained thirty pounds and whose husband made a big deal about it but couldn't be bothered to address the problems in the marriage. Now that my stbx and I are separated, the weight is coming off without too much trouble. Imagine that! Good luck.

[magenificent]

I'd really like to see you quote something from this thread that indicates how the OP is "not even been able to hide how proud he is of his own body in the few things he's written in the forum". As far as I can recall, he has simply stated that he works hard to stay in shape in response to some statements that it would be hypocritical to expect that from his W if he didn't do it himself. In your eyes, is that committment to fitness and health another one of his sins ? If so, I guess I'm guilty also...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

In the OP he said "I am at BMI 23.4 (right in the middle of Optimal Range)..." and later on in the first page he replied to an inquiry about his body, saying he's still at his high school sports shape/body/etc. Come on. A 30-40 year old man who believes he has the body of an 18-year-old? It's sad to me that someone has to cling to that, and I'll bet that since it only took a few posts for him to let everyone HERE know what great shape he's in, he probably doesn't let his wife forget it, either. The man knows his BMI. WHO does that? If you go to the gym on a regular basis, you know how much you bench, but who goes around quoting those numbers? Really now - it sounds like he's got a heaping serving of mid-life crisis and he's trying to shove it down his wife's throat. It's too bad he can't get the he** over himself and include her when he's liberally handing out the praises to himself. It sounds like he has enough to spare, but he's too busy complaining about her evening snacks. Maybe if he gave her something to do in the evenings besides eat, they could both be a little happier.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe if he gave her something to do in the evenings besides eat, they could both be a little happier.

Again, it's not your spouse's job to "give you something to do". If you're passively waiting for that, then not surprising that one is gaining weight...

 

Mr. Lucky

[uniqueone]

BMI... SCH..MI.....that whole BMI stuff is BS anyway. I have no clue what my BMI is....don't care either. Besides, it's misleading in those of us who are muscular. I often wear a size 2 and I'm solid muscle. My BMI would probably show me as being unhealthy. My point is, his BMI doesn't even mean anything so I don't why he's flaunting it. To me that just tells me that he's not that educated about what REALLY constitutes fitness.

[Racquel Colette]

I don't agree that weight gain is necessarily any indication of an emotional issue on her part. I think she has reached the age of 40 and realizes that she can enjoy eating and stop starving herself and indulge and still be beautiful. She has accepted herself as beautiful at her current weight, and she is enjoying that lifestyle.

It's not like she's obese or anything. She's just enjoying life.

[uniqueone]

I don't agree that weight gain is necessarily any indication of an emotional issue on her part.

 

She eats mostly at night...that's an emotional eater.

 

 

I think she has reached the age of 40 and realizes that she can enjoy eating and stop starving herself and indulge and still be beautiful.

 

Huh? After 40, it's ok to just let things go?

 

Not for THIS fortysomething year-old.

[Racquel Colette]

She eats mostly at night...that's an emotional eater.

 

 

 

Huh? After 40, it's ok to just let things go?

 

Not for THIS fortysomething year-old.

No, you're not getting the point. Just because she is a size 10 does not mean she is "letting things go." She realizes she is beautiful the way she is and is happy as she is not conforming to other's standards of beauty.

[Trialbyfire]

Which brings me right back where I started: reduced attraction to a wife who used to be quite thin and active but now seems content with an typical american (overweight) body. I am at BMI 23.4 (right in the middle of Optimal Range) so staying fit has always been very important to me.

 

What should I do??

I'm not going to read through this entire thread but this part caught my eye. You have a BMI of 23.4 and you're complaining about a wife with the identical BMI? I did a quick scan and you say she's 5'6" and weighing about 145 lbs.

 

That's not even shallow. It's pure hypocrisy.

[uniqueone]

No, you're not getting the point. Just because she is a size 10 does not mean she is "letting things go." She realizes she is beautiful the way she is and is happy as she is not conforming to other's standards of beauty.

 

 

Ok, gotcha.

[Try2BeSupportive]

You need to communicate with her......

 

Thank you for your entire post (read it 4 times). I may appear clueless, but I am able to follow directions (and you have given me some pretty specific directions). And thanks to the others too who have given such good advice.

 

You have a BMI of 23.4 and you're complaining about a wife with the identical BMI? .....

That's not even shallow. It's pure hypocrisy.

 

You do make a good point, I had not noticed the similar numbers (sulks downward in chair ). There are 2 important details which comparing moment-in-time-numbers does not show

 

 

1) Her habits have changed for the worse - dramatically so

2) My BMI has been constant throughout, while she had always been much thinner than now, until recently, and her weight gain is obvious to a degree that even her girlfriends have commented

 

BTW, I speak from the viewpoint of the wife who gained thirty pounds and whose husband made a big deal about it but couldn't be bothered to address the problems in the marriage. Now that my stbx and I are separated, the weight is coming off without too much trouble. Imagine that! Good luck.

 

Note that I have not made a big deal about it to my wife, only on here. I am glad to have a place to debate the topic and try to get my perspective right before discussing it with her. Also I am willing to address any problems in the marriage but honestly I just do not see them (think my wife can help me on that?)

 

Your last comment really does get me though - Now that my stbx and I are separated, the weight is coming off without too much trouble. Could you please elaborate on why you could not invest the minor effort before your breakup? Your weight gain was a deliberate message to him? I guess this is exactly why I am taking my wife's recent behavior so personally. It just seems so ridiculously petty to do that to oneself !!!

 

Am I just being totally self-centered by thinking that women sometimes gain weight intentionally in a relationship? Like a temperature gauge? Do men do something like this too?

[lazer1743]

I'm not going to read through this entire thread but this part caught my eye. You have a BMI of 23.4 and you're complaining about a wife with the identical BMI? I did a quick scan and you say she's 5'6" and weighing about 145 lbs.

 

That's not even shallow. It's pure hypocrisy.

 

 

I am so glad you said it, it has been bugging me but i wasn't even going to bring it up for fear that it may attract the attention of some who seem to have hijaked this thread by fighting back and forth with each other.

 

20 PAGES and about 10 replies are actaully aimed at helping this guy out. Regardless of our opinions about the OP's depth, he is seeing this as a real problem.

 

**To the OP

I'm not even going to pretend I know what your W is like or how she will react no matter what you say. He**, i have never even been in your shoe's before. Though if i were, i would approach it by expressing a concern for her health down the road. Ask if there is anything that may be bothering her, perhaps family troubles ( her parents getting older? Death in family? ). This kind of talk would i bet get her to say "Why do you ask?" <---- bingo! perfect window for you to state your side. This way you come across as a husband who NOTICE's the changes she has gone through and is concerned instead of the husband that is not attracted to her anymore.

 

Good luck to you in your approach and dont be put off by some of the negative replies, i think you truly mean well for her.

[PWSX3]

I guess I feel for you because I'm in the same situation as you.

 

A co-worker went to her doctor the other day & was talking to her about eating, weight, etc. & her doctor said; woman will gain 10 pounds in there 40's & a very good chance another 10 in there 50's just because that is how womans bodies are. As we get older things start to slow down & our bodies start to change.

 

I don't know if that is true or if all woman will have the same situation but I thought it was interesting.....

 

Some have said he is picky, shallow, whatever but in my situation I don't see it as my W being fat but what being overweight will do to her in the future?

Sure you can't be controlling, tell them what to do but shouldn't a person have something to say about it before it gets out of hand? Say down the road she gains a few more pounds, gets high blood pressure & needs medication or even worse becomes a diabetic.

 

Then all of a sudden he has to be responsible & take care of her, spend the money on medication that maybe wouldn't have had to because she didn't take care of herself earlier in life.

 

I know that is what worries me about my W is what she is doing (or the lack of it) now & how it is going to affect her down the road in a few years.

 

I know the older you get the harder it becomes & the harder you have to work on trying to keep in shape.

 

Here is a suggestion; tell the W you need more sex!!! & let her do most of the work. They say that is a good aerobic type exercise.

If she doesn't like that then suggest she goes to the gym.

[OpenBook]

Your last comment really does get me though - Now that my stbx and I are separated, the weight is coming off without too much trouble. Could you please elaborate on why you could not invest the minor effort before your breakup? Your weight gain was a deliberate message to him? I guess this is exactly why I am taking my wife's recent behavior so personally. It just seems so ridiculously petty to do that to oneself !!!

 

Am I just being totally self-centered by thinking that women sometimes gain weight intentionally in a relationship? Like a temperature gauge? Do men do something like this too?

 

I think women (and men, too) simply get comfortable on a LTR and stop trying so hard to impress each other. The weight can easily sneak up on you. It's not a "deliberate intention" thing at all.

 

Also, I've learned (mostly thru smartgirl's insight -- she has posted about this subject at length here on LS) that men are very sensitive about their W/GF's weight gain - they tend to take it personally, like a deliberate slap in their face. They think, "You must not love me or care about me anymore because you have let yourself go and failed to stay slim and alluring for me."

 

I watched my own mother go to great lengths all her life to stay attractive for my dad. It worked. They were happily married for 54 years, until his death, and neither ever strayed to my knowledge.

 

My last serious BF and I broke up for this very reason. I stopped "trying" - and he took the hint.

 

I think it's a crying shame that women can't rely on their man's love unless they keep themselves looking good. It seems so shallow to me. And such a prison. Like I'm totally at his mercy, under his thumb, he gets to call all the shots in the relationship, based on that one thing alone -- the shape I'm in physically.

 

Thanks, but no thanks.

 

There, I feel better now!!

[GeminiWoman]

Your last comment really does get me though - Now that my stbx and I are separated, the weight is coming off without too much trouble. Could you please elaborate on why you could not invest the minor effort before your breakup? Your weight gain was a deliberate message to him? I guess this is exactly why I am taking my wife's recent behavior so personally. It just seems so ridiculously petty to do that to oneself !!!

 

Am I just being totally self-centered by thinking that women sometimes gain weight intentionally in a relationship? Like a temperature gauge? Do men do something like this too?

 

I don't think you understand what I was getting at. Overeating can be a response to a stressful situation. It is not something that is easily controlled. It is used to relieve stress, albeit not the wisest nor the healthiest way to reduce stress. When you are unhappy (like in an unhappy marriage or a job) food, especially sugar and/or chocolate, can produce chemical changes in the brain that make you temporarily feel good. It is a way of self-medicating yourself. Hence, it becomes an 'addiction' of sorts because you keep going back for more. In fact, it is a process very much like alcohol addiction where it becomes a vicious cycle. You are stressed, you overeat, you feel better temporarily but then you feel guilty so your stress levels rise again. Throw in the situation that was originally causing the stress and you have a breeding ground for a full blown addiction. There are books written on the subject.

 

I never deliberately gained weight nor was it as simple as making some minor changes to lose the weight. The problem was not my weight (even though my husband thought it was). The problem was the marriage was going bad, there were some major issues that my husband refuses to acknowledge (i.e. lack of communication, his constant criticism and explosive anger). He preferred to believe that my weight gain and our less than ideal sex life were the problem but, in reality, these were simply symptoms of a troubled marriage. For the record, we tried martial counseling with 2 different counselors and he still refused to believe that it was his behavior that was adversely affecting the marriage. I'm not saying that this is the case in your marriage. I'm merely telling you this was my experience and I've seen it in countless other marriages. So much so, that when I see a woman who is overweight, my first thought now is she's not happy. I know that not alway the case, it is possible to become overweight simply due to poor eating habits and lack of exercise but, still, the likelihood that a woman is overweight due to emotional eating is somewhat high.

 

The weight is coming off easily now because now I am no longer living with the stress of a troubled marriage. I have no need to overeat in order to comfort myself. It's that simple. I have learned a lesson in all of this. When I start to overeat, it's a sign that something in my life is going wrong and I need to figure out what it is and either fix it or move on. I am also trying to learn other coping methods for dealing with stress (exercise, yoga, mediation).

 

As to the argument that maybe she is happy at her current weight and feels she is fine just the way she is....I would love to believe that is possible and I've even tried to convince myself of that at times. But, truthfully, almost every woman I know from the size 2's to 10's to 20's is unhappy with her weight and is constantly struggling to lose or maintain it. One secret almost no one talks about is how easy it is to get prescription diet pills in this country. I was shocked to learn that so many of my acquaintances get diet pills from the local bariatric clinic. These are all women in their early to mid 40's with great figures. And a lot of them do work out regularly and watch what they eat but at 40 your metabolism starts to slow and it becomes harder and harder to maintain. I tried the diet pills and they did nothing for me because, again, I was overeating to relieve stress and it had nothing to do with appetite. I can't imagine anyone who would deliberately overeat as a way of getting back at a spouse. Being overweight is such a stigma in this country, why would you do that?

 

I believe there is a huge problem in this country right now. We are setting people (and especially women) up for failure. Our media pushes the 'thin as a stick' model as our ideal woman. And at the same time, the availability and advertising of high calorie foods is everywhere. Fast 'junk' food is a standard for many people because it is cheap and readily available. When was the last time you saw a commercial pushing broccoli? Our life styles are such that we have little time to cook healthy meals and technology is progressing to the point that we have to PAY to go to a gym to get exercise. Clearly, there are a lot of factors going on that make it hard to stay thin but at the same time we buy into the concept that one must be thin to be beautiful. IMHO, something's got to give. I'm not sure what but things seem very out of whack right now.

[bish]

I am so glad you said it, it has been bugging me but i wasn't even going to bring it up for fear that it may attract the attention of some who seem to have hijaked this thread by fighting back and forth with each other.

 

20 PAGES and about 10 replies are actaully aimed at helping this guy out. .

 

Thats because there is no helping this guy out. He talks about his wife like she is a pig. This is HIS problem, not hers.

So she isn't the perfect little cupie doll he wants...I'm sure he isn't all that and a bag of chips either.

 

This guy acts like his wife is a sloth..so what is there to help except to call him on his contempt for his wife?

[Try2BeSupportive]

I don't think you understand what I was getting at.

No I did not understand - thank you for clarifying.

 

So much so, that when I see a woman who is overweight, my first thought now is she's not happy.

 

Perhaps she is unhappy. Hard to understand because she is doing exactly what she wants to do - raise our children. And while I certainly play an important role in her happiness, I am not responsible for her happiness. Maybe I should be glad to hear that if I just work harder to make her happier that this might lead to her losing weight. Yet how fair does this sound - I already work pretty hard at my own happiness, my own fitness, and now pile on me extra work to ensure HER happiness and HER fitness. And for that I am called the selfish one?

 

I believe there is a huge problem in this country right now. We are setting people (and especially women) up for failure. Our media pushes the 'thin as a stick' model as our ideal woman. And at the same time, the availability and advertising of high calorie foods is everywhere. Fast 'junk' food is a standard for many people because it is cheap and readily available.

 

I wish there were a polite way to say it, but the undeniable fact is that right now America is the fattest nation in Earth's history, and is getting worse with each generation. My standards of fitness may seem far too strict but that is only in comparison to current local conditions.

 

I think women (and men, too) simply get comfortable on a LTR and stop trying so hard to impress each other.

 

I guess I always thought she was committed to fitness for herself and not just for me. And if indeed she has stopped working to impress me, am I expected to continue working to impress her? Does that sound fair? Am I being the unselfish one?

 

I stopped "trying" - and he took the hint.

 

That sure does sound deliberate intentional to me!!!

[OpenBook]

The problem was the marriage was going bad, there were some major issues that my husband refuses to acknowledge (i.e. lack of communication, his constant criticism and explosive anger). He preferred to believe that my weight gain and our less than ideal sex life were the problem but, in reality, these were simply symptoms of a troubled marriage... I've seen it in countless other marriages...

 

The weight is coming off easily now because now I am no longer living with the stress of a troubled marriage. I have no need to overeat in order to comfort myself. It's that simple...

 

I was shocked to learn that so many of my acquaintances get diet pills from the local bariatric clinic. These are all women in their early to mid 40's with great figures. And a lot of them do work out regularly and watch what they eat but at 40 your metabolism starts to slow and it becomes harder and harder to maintain...

 

You go, Gemini!! I have also heard (and witnessed) many MM behaving like that toward their W's - and I don't know how they STAND it. I don't think ANY of us should have to.

 

The slowing metabolism thing in your 40's has not been my own experience, however. I find it so much easier to control my weight now. And I think it's almost completely due to my getting a hysterectomy. I am no longer controlled by my hormones. (Yes!! FINALLY after 33 fertility years of hormonal imbalance, I finally feel like myself again! It's like I've been released from prison... out of the darkness and into the light!!) I only eat when I'm hungry now. And I stop eating when I'm full. If I overeat one day, I lighten up the next. I feel much more in tune with what my body is telling me now. It's wonderful to feel this way again.

 

Years ago, when I was struggling with my weight (and still on that hormonal roller-coaster), my doctor gave me this advice and I thought it was great: "It's real simple. If you consume more calories than you burn off, you'll gain weight."

 

Pushing away from the table... best exercise I know.

 

But (back to the OP's point) I think women should lose weight and keep fit for THEMSELVES. Not for anybody else. I have no idea how this would work inside a M. Beyond that place (for me, anyway), there be dragons.

[norajane]

Perhaps she is unhappy. Hard to understand because she is doing exactly what she wants to do - raise our children. And while I certainly play an important role in her happiness, I am not responsible for her happiness. Maybe I should be glad to hear that if I just work harder to make her happier that this might lead to her losing weight. Yet how fair does this sound - I already work pretty hard at my own happiness, my own fitness, and now pile on me extra work to ensure HER happiness and HER fitness. And for that I am called the selfish one?

 

You don't really know if she's unhappy or not, do you? When was the last time you two talked about your marriage, your lifestyle, your sex life?

 

It might not have anything to do with YOU. Maybe now that the kids are in school, she's feeling less useful, less important. Or maybe after all these years as a SAHM, she's bored and she's not intellectually challenged. Maybe she's reaching her own mid-life crisis and regrets that she never climbed Mt. Everest or traveled to Italy or started her own business. Maybe she's afraid that she's losing her passion for life and there's nothing to look forward to.

 

Or it could have something to do with the state of your marriage. You two aren't having sex very much. Why? Are you happy with the state of your marriage? Both of you play a role in each other's happiness, and in the passion (or lack) between you. It's something you can work on together if there are issues. You have to ask the questions and be prepared to listen, and provide your own input as well...it can be scary and hard to talk about, but things can get worse if they're covered up or ignored for the sake of keeping the peace.

 

I guess I always thought she was committed to fitness for herself and not just for me. And if indeed she has stopped working to impress me, am I expected to continue working to impress her? Does that sound fair? Am I being the unselfish one?

 

Maybe she was committed to fitness for herself. Maybe she was never doing it for you. So if she stops doing it for herself, it has nothing to do with you, does it?

 

Talk with her and find out who your wife is after 10 years of marriage and two kids.

 

You need to find out why the car won't start before you can get it going again.