wife's weight

[OpenBook]

Perhaps she is unhappy. Hard to understand because she is doing exactly what she wants to do - raise our children.

 

That's all she wants in life?!?? Raise your kids?? Is that all YOU want in life?? It sounds like you've got other things going on besides your kids that fulfill you - keeping in shape, monitoring the current state of America, etc. Do you think your W is any different??

 

And while I certainly play an important role in her happiness, I am not responsible for her happiness. Maybe I should be glad to hear that if I just work harder to make her happier that this might lead to her losing weight. Yet how fair does this sound - I already work pretty hard at my own happiness, my own fitness, and now pile on me extra work to ensure HER happiness and HER fitness. And for that I am called the selfish one?

 

I agree with you here, it's not your responsibility to make her happy. This is one of the great mysteries of M for me -- something I have not been able to resolve in my own life (and also why I'm scared to DEATH of getting married again). Where is the balance between making YOURSELF happy and keeping your SPOUSE happy in a M?? I wish I knew what to tell you.

 

I guess I always thought she was committed to fitness for herself and not just for me. And if indeed she has stopped working to impress me, am I expected to continue working to impress her? Does that sound fair? Am I being the unselfish one?

 

That sure does sound deliberate intentional to me!!!

 

You know, Try2Be, you have a point there. You're making me look at all this again. You're right, I was just coasting along. He was doing most of the work in the R. I guess I didn't see the R going anywhere (i.e., ending up in getting hitched) so it didn't seem worth the effort to me. I don't know if this can be compared to a M though (apples & oranges??)... Maybe I should stop posting in your thread.:D

[Woggle]

She doesn't sound overwight at all. Who is your ideal Kate Moss? If this is the only issue with your wife you should consider yourself lucky because most people don't keep their perfect figure after so many years. If you keep throwing a fit everytime she wants to have a snack she will feel very uncomfortable around you and it will become a power play which will lead to resentment. Just accept her for who she is and things should improve.

[OpenBook]

And while I certainly play an important role in her happiness, I am not responsible for her happiness.

 

And she is not responsible for yours, either... Is she??

[Try2BeSupportive]

You don't really know if she's unhappy or not, do you? When was the last time you two talked about your marriage, your lifestyle, your sex life?

 

Norajane, why do you have to be so damned level headed? This thread is supposed to be about a highly emotional topic - something that gets you all fired up and makes you want to SHOUT IN ALL CAPS.

Just kidding, thanks for your voice of reason.

 

my doctor gave me this advice and I thought it was great: "It's real simple. If you consume more calories than you burn off, you'll gain weight."

 

Watch out now - I said exactly that about 10 pages ago, and I got flamed for making such a ludicrous statement. Go back and inform your doctor that weight gain is caused by age, kids, marriage, unmet emotional needs, and a selfish spouse.

 

She doesn't sound overwight at all......

Just accept her for who she is and things should improve.

 

I do not compare my wife to Kate Moss or anybody else. But comparing my wife to my wife (based on her first 35 years on planet earth) she is currently 22 pounds overweight, and her current behavior shows that trending upward. I do accept her and I do love her. The problem is I am concerned and sexually turned off by her new snack-filled, low-activity lifestyle.

 

And she is not responsible for yours, either... Is she??

No, she is not. And since at this moment, something in my life has me "disturbed" I am doing something about it. I am on here discussing a problem that affects my happiness. I am taking steps to work on this issue in a way that does not hurt my wife or ruin our marriage. The first step for me has been to get educated on the topic. And thus far I have heard an earful on loveshack!!! The next step is a discussion with her about my issue that is affecting my happiness. Is that not me taking responsibility?

[Racquel Colette]

I don't think it is fair to compare breakup and divorce weight loss with what you're going through because that is weight loss based on stress. It is not suddenly having "motivation." A friend I know lost 20 pounds just from the stress from her divorce, she was way too thin at that point. She wasn't trying to lose the weight, divorce often has this effect.

[uniqueone]

 

 

 

 

I think it's a crying shame that women can't rely on their man's love unless they keep themselves looking good. It seems so shallow to me. And such a prison. Like I'm totally at his mercy, under his thumb, he gets to call all the shots in the relationship, based on that one thing alone -- the shape I'm in physically.

 

 

 

You have so got to be kidding. Unbelievable to me that someone could think like this.

 

I hope one day you get to the point where you realize that....no matter what....YOU call your own shots.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think it's a crying shame that women can't rely on their man's love unless they keep themselves looking good. It seems so shallow to me. And such a prison. Like I'm totally at his mercy, under his thumb, he gets to call all the shots in the relationship, based on that one thing alone -- the shape I'm in physically.

But OpenBook, don't you have expectations regarding your man's conduct, demeanor and lifestyle? And is he a "prisoner" to those expectations, at your "mercy" and under your "thumb" ? It's a two-way street...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GeminiWoman]

Trying2be said.....Perhaps she is unhappy. Hard to understand because she is doing exactly what she wants to do - raise our children. And while I certainly play an important role in her happiness, I am not responsible for her happiness. Maybe I should be glad to hear that if I just work harder to make her happier that this might lead to her losing weight. Yet how fair does this sound - I already work pretty hard at my own happiness, my own fitness, and now pile on me extra work to ensure HER happiness and HER fitness. And for that I am called the selfish one? (Sorry, can't get the quote thingy to work right:confused:)

 

Agreed. Which is why I am separated from my husband. It was about me taking responsibility for my happiness. I don't believe anyone is responsible for anyone else's happiness but people can take away from your happiness just by the way they act or treat you. Who would be happy living with someone who is constantly criticizing you? It eats away at your self-esteem after a while. Again, not saying you are doing this - only responding to your thread. A troubled marriage can certainly make a person unhappy because your marriage is your primary relationship in life. If your home is not a soft spot for you to land every day then no one in their right mind is going to be happy for very long. That is not the same as saying (IMHO) your spouse is responsible for your happiness.

 

I think it would be very useful to approach your wife in the way that Norajane suggested. Maybe this isn't about the marriage but you need to find out one way or another for sure. I'm not suggesting you don't have the right to be upset that your wife has gained weight. People's feelings are their feelings and if you no longer feel attracted to your wife because of the weight gain, then it's a problem that needs to be addressed. Just be prepared for the fact that she may not lose the weight and then you will need to make a decision as to whether you can live with that. Unfortunately, none of us has the ability to change another person. I would never suggest to anyone that they live with a situation that makes them unhappy. Of course, your very next step is to approach your wife about this issue. Let us know how it goes. Good luck.

[Trialbyfire]

You do make a good point, I had not noticed the similar numbers (sulks downward in chair ). There are 2 important details which comparing moment-in-time-numbers does not show

 

1) Her habits have changed for the worse - dramatically so

2) My BMI has been constant throughout, while she had always been much thinner than now, until recently, and her weight gain is obvious to a degree that even her girlfriends have commented

I have a BMI of 18.6, which is on the edge of being below average. I've yet to meet a man who is the same or less. I'm fully expecting this to change, if or when I have children and gain a decade. I will fight that change by keeping in shape, if I have the time. If at the time, whomever I'm with gets on my case about it, I'm going to be honest and will probably tell him to piss off, I will do it on my own time when and if I feel like it.

 

Losing weight has got to be something someone does for themselves, not anyone else. If you truly loved her, a few pounds and a size increase within the average or healthy spectrum, shouldn't make a difference to your feelings for her. If you encourage her to look and be beautiful by paying her more and more attention when she loses weight for herself, you might find that she is encouraged to continue. Small gifts like a single bud rose, in appreciation of beauty can potentially help or a romantic weekend, after she loses 10 lbs, can also be encouraging. Just don't hold it as bribe. It should happen spontaneously.

[Racquel Colette]

How come, OP, you are seeing it as a problem with her instead of a problem within yourself? You keep denying that you are the one with any problems and she is the one with the problems simply because she is a size 10/12.

I think you need to explore the idea of loving your wife for who she is and seeing her as attractive and beautiful as she is.

Snacking on some chips at night is no big deal, you make it sound as if she is shoving everything within sight into her mouth.

I think you need to see it as a problem you need to deal with rather than her.

[uniqueone]

At over 300 posts, why do we continue this? What progress has been made here?

 

We're expecting that there's going to be some kind of breakthrough.....sorta just like when Helen Keller spelled out "W-A-T-E-R" on her teacher's hand.

It's not going to happen.

That pumps long dried up.

 

I think Elizabeth Kubler Ross would be disappointed with us that we haven't reached the Acceptance phase yet that this thread has reached its end........

 

[lazer1743]

We're expecting that there's going to be some kind of breakthrough.....sorta just like when Helen Keller spelled out "W-A-T-E-R" on her teacher's hand.

It's not going to happen.

That pumps long dried up.

 

LMAO!!!!

That made me laugh pretty good.......

[Passionate69]

She and my hubby are on the same page.

 

my hubby do not want to lose weight either his excuses is it makes him sick. now he is more killing in our bed issue.

 

i am physically active and he is the opposite.

[Racquel Colette]

Well, uniqueone, posters are drawn to this thread as it is really bringing up something to consider and there are many aspects to it. Posters are welcome to post their contributions as they will if they are intrigued by such a topic and if you do not like that, then don't contribute further to the thread.

[uniqueone]

Well, uniqueone, posters are drawn to this thread as it is really bringing up something to consider and there are many aspects to it. Posters are welcome to post their contributions as they will if they are intrigued by such a topic and if you do not like that, then don't contribute further to the thread.

 

I think I asked a valid question.....what progress has been made with what's been said here and its impact on the OP?

 

Are you convinced you can change his mind on this matter?

 

Or are you more interested in this thread for personal reasons?

[Racquel Colette]

I think I asked a valid question.....what progress has been made with what's been said here and its impact on the OP?

 

Are you convinced you can change his mind on this matter?

 

Or are you more interested in this thread for personal reasons?

 

Most posts on here are not going to drastically change the poster. Lots of posters have things to contribute.

No, I am not on here for personal reasons, I am just bringing up the point that he is saying it is his wife's problem, not his problem.

So I brought my own point into it.

Why do you keep hanging on to this thread?

Also, consider that people log on and just see the post and have their own insight to add. Some threads are longer because of various reasons, others don't last as long.

However, posters are free to post whatever insight they have as long as it's directly related to the post without being criticized for it simply because a poster feels it is stupid to keep continuing.

I have never had a guy dump me or tell me I needed to lose weight so I have never been in that position.

Even if the OP is not changing his mind, it is still an insightful thread for other reasons.

[uniqueone]

No, I am not on here for personal reasons, I am just bringing up the point that he is saying it is his wife's problem, not his problem.

Yeah, I know that's what you're saying. My point was, the comment that he keeps saying it's his wife's problem and not his problem has been argued to death here and rehashed like last week's meatloaf.

So I brought my own point into it.

 

Again that point has been brought up already many, many times.

 

Why do you keep hanging on to this thread?

 

Why do people watch car wrecks?

 

However, posters are free to post whatever insight they have as long as it's directly related to the post without being criticized for it simply because a poster feels it is stupid to keep continuing.

 

Let's say we're in a courtroom. A small civil case goes on for days and days without any resolution because neither side will budge. What does the judge do? She throws it out. That's why I made the observation.

 

I have never had a guy dump me or tell me I needed to lose weight so I have never been in that position.

 

I don't understand the relevance of this to what we're discussing.

Even if the OP is not changing his mind, it is still an insightful thread for other reasons.

 

Its insight was worn out pages ago. Please tell me what insight you've gleamed in the last several pages.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Good news! I finally had a long-overdue conversation with the wife. I followed alot of the advice on here by NOT mentioning the whole sexual attraction thing. I started the conversation by asking if she was happy with things and she said yes (including with our marriage) and that she agrees we have not been having much sex but that does not bother her and she rarely even things about it. I think that is the truth (she really is pretty happy and she does not think much about sex) so I told her I would try to initiate things more often. She did not say NO but also did not seem too excited about this (never have any time... too tired). Very frustrating that my attraction is at an all time low and on top of that I get nothing without me chasing her. The sex thing is definitely a problem for me but at the moment I put higher priority on the weight issue (read on).

 

Speaking of being tired and no time, I asked if there was any reason she stopped going to her gym, and we could save $$$/mo if she cancels her membership. I enthusiastically told her I will watch the kids anytime she wants to goto gym. She said she does plan to go this week. I hope she does, but if not by next weekend I will bring it up again (my pitch being we should not throw away good money if she does not use her membership). She seems to still hold onto the idea of exercise so if I just bring it up with her a few times maybe she will submit and go - then the good feelings of exercise might keep her going.

 

On the snacking topic, she had already agreed that we would get rid of the halloween candy (which I did, and gave away a couple girlscout cookie boxes while I was at it) so this morning she asked what we need at the store I told her about a low fat microwave popcorn that would make a healthy snack and so she bought some.

 

Overall I am ok at how this all went, I was not mean and she did not seem to get mad, but she also has been known to bring stuff up in a later conversation. I do wonder if she will follow through on anything, but she did buy the popcorn and I will try the soft sell for a while instead of making hard demands.

 

On the topic of who's problem is this I accept that the problem (her weight gain) does seem to be mostly affecting me. I still deny all responsibility in causing this, but I am willing to help work on a solution if that is possible.

[whichwayisup]

Keep the lines of communication open, think of this as a good start. I mean, there's so much for you both to digest, so make sure your wife knows you two will be having more talks that will help you both in the long run.

 

Good news! I finally had a long-overdue conversation with the wife. I followed alot of the advice on here by NOT mentioning the whole sexual attraction thing. I started the conversation by asking if she was happy with things and she said yes (including with our marriage) and that she agrees we have not been having much sex but that does not bother her and she rarely even things about it. I think that is the truth (she really is pretty happy and she does not think much about sex) so I told her I would try to initiate things more often. She did not say NO but also did not seem too excited about this (never have any time... too tired). Very frustrating that my attraction is at an all time low and on top of that I get nothing without me chasing her. The sex thing is definitely a problem for me but at the moment I put higher priority on the weight issue (read on).

 

Did you tell her how it makes you feel when she says no to sex and doesn't put much thought into it? Does she understand that intimacy IS important, not only because it feels good, but it keeps you two connected emotionally?

 

In this case, you need to build up to the sex thing. Woo her! And I mean, shower her with love and affection, make her feel special. Give her a body massage, tender kisses and let her lay back and enjoy...Work your way into the sex thing - And I mean, like take afew weeks, don't do this and expect sex so quickly. (Start having cold showers!!) By doing this, it will show her that you want her to feel good and comfortable, not pushing or expecting sex to happen, maybe, just maybe she'll open up and intiate it, be more intimate and cuddley with you.

 

Speaking of being tired and no time, I asked if there was any reason she stopped going to her gym, and we could save $$$/mo if she cancels her membership. I enthusiastically told her I will watch the kids anytime she wants to goto gym. She said she does plan to go this week. I hope she does, but if not by next weekend I will bring it up again (my pitch being we should not throw away good money if she does not use her membership). She seems to still hold onto the idea of exercise so if I just bring it up with her a few times maybe she will submit and go - then the good feelings of exercise might keep her going.

 

You go with her and together DO a sport, tennis, squash, something fun that you both enjoy.

 

On the snacking topic, she had already agreed that we would get rid of the halloween candy (which I did, and gave away a couple girlscout cookie boxes while I was at it) so this morning she asked what we need at the store I told her about a low fat microwave popcorn that would make a healthy snack and so she bought some.

 

Excellent!

 

Overall I am ok at how this all went, I was not mean and she did not seem to get mad, but she also has been known to bring stuff up in a later conversation. I do wonder if she will follow through on anything, but she did buy the popcorn and I will try the soft sell for a while instead of making hard demands.

 

Focus on ALL the positives here, all the bad stuff should be in the back of your mind - The key is not focussing on her weight - Look beyond that and make her feel sexy and desirable. If a woman feels that, she'll feel good about herself and that's a positive for you in the long run! (sex!)

 

Go out to dinner together too. Make time, get a sitter and GO OUT.

 

On the topic of who's problem is this I accept that the problem (her weight gain) does seem to be mostly affecting me. I still deny all responsibility in causing this, but I am willing to help work on a solution if that is possible.

 

Let your love for your wife wash over you, don't "look" at the weight. See her as the woman you fell inlove with, married and had children with. The whole picture here, not just the package visually. If you can get past this and feel that sexual attraction again by enjoying HER, watching HER feel good, that should be enough to get you going. Hope this makes sense to you!

[PWSX3]

In this case, you need to build up to the sex thing. Woo her! And I mean, shower her with love and affection, make her feel special. Give her a body massage, tender kisses and let her lay back and enjoy...Work your way into the sex thing - And I mean, like take afew weeks, don't do this and expect sex so quickly. (Start having cold showers!!) By doing this, it will show her that you want her to feel good and comfortable, not pushing or expecting sex to happen, maybe, just maybe she'll open up and intiate it, be more intimate and cuddley with you.

I am a male so of course I have a question about this.

If you shower her with love & do all these nice things won't she get the idea that she doesn't need to do anything because he likes her like she is????

 

Hopefully you can take walks or do something like that with your W as well. I know walking gives you time to talk & spend time with each other. Just DON'T walk faster then she does, let her set the pace, learned this by my own mistakes.

[whichwayisup]

I am a male so of course I have a question about this.

If you shower her with love & do all these nice things won't she get the idea that she doesn't need to do anything because he likes her like she is????

 

The key is, getting her more comfortable with sex, with touch, with affection. She's shut down and he has to do this slowly so she'll want more from him that way, kind of leave her hanging, you know what I mean? If she is enjoying it and getting turned on, I'm not saying he STOPS and leaves the room, but he can ease off and let her make afew moves of her own, or give him the greenlight to take it further. She has issues with sex right now and HE needs to make her understand that sex is just as important to him as her enjoying her snackfoods, or relaxing TV, having her time.

[norajane]

You know, after 10 years, maybe the GYM is what's boring and she's sick of the place.

 

Maybe the two of you can take up a sport together, like tennis, or take a dance class or kickboxing class together. It could be a way for you both to stay healthy and have fun together.

[PWSX3]

I have been doing a lot of bicycle riding lately & maybe you could rent a bicycle for two. I did this once for a date with my W & we had a good time. She wasn't even close to being in shape (except round) so I had to do most of the work, but it was a lot of fun. We even stopped & had a small lunch that I had packed & carried in a backpack.

 

That would be something you could do together....

[Racquel Colette]

Well, it really is your problem. If you are repulsed by a 5'6" 145 pound middle-aged woman, then it is definitely your problem.

[luvmy2ns]

Well, it really is your problem. If you are repulsed by a 5'6" 145 pound middle-aged woman, then it is definitely your problem.

 

Wow. Way to focus on the positive in his post.

 

T2BS, I'm happy for you AND your wife. It's no fun not feeling good; not feeling "on top of your game," so to speak. If she gets involved in working out, or a fun aerobic sport like other suggested, she'll feel better every day, and you two will be able to reconnect in sharing your newfound sport.