wife's weight

[luvmy2ns]

Ok...right here....don't you see a problem? The woman doesn't miss sex with you. And you think that her losing weight is going to change that? Wrrroooonnng.....

 

Sorry, but you're the one who is wrong. It's a proven fact (check it out if you don't believe me) that when a person is more active, their sex drive increases. This isn't ONLY about her losing weight, it's about her DOING more; being more active instead of vegging on the couch in front of the TV w/a bowl of whatever in her lap.

[luvmy2ns]

I know that it is probably very daunting to you to have a wife who is confident with herself and actually likes herself.

 

This was a very shi**y and unproductive thing to say.

[luvmy2ns]

And it's not enough of an EFFORT for you that she bears and raises your children, keeps up the house, cooks dinner for you, and the myriad of other household tasks she does to keep your life running smoothly so you don't have to worry about it?? Do you appreciate what she DOES do for you??

 

This is precisely the reason why I fear marriage. If I don't live my life EXACTLY the way my H thinks I should, he'll either divorce me or cheat.

 

Thanks, but no thanks. I feel sorry for both of you. Good luck.

 

I do all that stuff and hold down a full time job 45 minutes away from my house. Doesn't make me unappreciative of my man.

[bish]

This was a very shi**y and unproductive thing to say.

 

If telling the truth is "shiity", then so be it.

[JamesM]

If telling the truth is "shiity", then so be it.

 

 

It was an observation that may have been that poster's "truth," but it was not a very helpful remark to make.

 

Let us not forget...anyone who comes here, pours out their problems, and doesn't flinch from saying his feelings....has already shown that he or she is looking for solutions. T2BS could have much easier gone out and had an affair. But he has chosen to find a way to bring back the love in his marriage. He attributes it to the fact that his wife has gained weight and has nightly snacks. While many of us feel that his conclusions are wrong, this does not mean that he deserves a flogging simply for posting his thoughts.

 

My personal feelings are that his marriage is struggling because there is a lack of intimacy and affection. Why...that is the question to which he is trying to find an answer. Hopefully, rather than make "truthful" observations that do not relate, we can come up with constructive solutions.

[nittygritty]

This may have already been mentioned but her symptoms of lack of interest in sex, weight gain, night time snacking may be symptoms of hormone problems which are very common at her age.

 

If your wife has had a tubal ligation, ovarian cysts removed, a hysterectomy, c-sections which cause scar tissue or adhesions, endometriosis, fibroids, polycystic ovaries, takes birth control pills or hormone replacement pills, has perimenopause or is premenopausal or is simply suffering from ovarian malfunctions or premature ovarian failure, she should probably have a check up with her gynecologist and have her hormone levels checked.

[uniqueone]

Sorry, but you're the one who is wrong. It's a proven fact (check it out if you don't believe me) that when a person is more active, their sex drive increases. This isn't ONLY about her losing weight, it's about her DOING more; being more active instead of vegging on the couch in front of the TV w/a bowl of whatever in her lap.

 

 

It's also a proven fact (check it out if you don't believe me) that when a woman isn't happy with their partner, she isn't interested in having sex wtih him.

[uniqueone]

Try2BSupportive, I have a question for you.......

 

Let's say your wife says that what she really needs is for you two to talk every night and also to go out on dates sometimes. She tells you that she needs to talk with you about her feelings and feel close to you again. She doesn't talk about or promise any weight loss.

 

What would you do?

[luvmy2ns]

It's also a proven fact (check it out if you don't believe me) that when a woman isn't happy with their partner, she isn't interested in having sex wtih him.

 

While I understand your need to try to counter-point me (pretty transparent), what you're saying isn't a "fact" at all. It's a drawn conclusion. All I was doing was making certain that anyone involved in this thread knew the facts involved regarding working out and sexual drive. It's a biological fact, not an emotionally driven conclusion. While I was extremely unhappy with my ex-husband, the sex was great, so I "used" him at my will. We had sex often. There's yer fact.

[JamesM]

Actually, ladies, from my research...and I have done a lot....it is both. Biological changes can cause a decreased libido, and marital strife, family stress, or financial stress can decrease the libido.

 

Let's focus on T2BS.

[luvmy2ns]

Actually, ladies, from my research...and I have done a lot....it is both. Biological changes can cause a decreased libido, and marital strife, family stress, or financial stress can decrease the libido.

 

Let's focus on T2BS.

 

Well, of course, but part of The OP's problem is trying to understand what may be a problem his wife has with him, life, or whatever. Increase in aerobic activity does IN FACT increase sex drive. Biological fact. However, only in SOME cases does dismay with your marital partner cause a drop in libido. It sometimes results in a healthy libido being channeled to another partner without any drop in sex drive, or like me, I may still use him for the only thing he seems good for.

[uniqueone]

While I was extremely unhappy with my ex-husband, the sex was great, so I "used" him at my will.

 

Well now we all want to take your advice after hearing THAT statement.....

 

 

Btw, most women don't feel comfortable using someone to please themselves. Some people actually have emotions and when they don't care for someone, they don't want to share their body with them.

 

And then there are others who just don't care who they share their body with.

[luvmy2ns]

Well now we all want to take your advice after hearing THAT statement.....

 

 

Btw, most women don't feel comfortable using someone to please themselves. Some people actually have emotions and when they don't care for someone, they don't want to share their body with them.

 

And then there are others who just don't care who they share their body with.

 

Oh, it didn't last long. I went through that phase of "staying together for the child" that we all think is best until we realize our child is actually learning how to have a bad relationship. Once that realization sunk in, he was history as far as the martial relationship was concerned. We maintain a civil relationship for the sake of parenting our son who lives with me full time.

 

And so I suppose you're now going to tell me you've never had sex just for the sake of having sex? You've been in love with every man you've ever slept with? If you say yes, I'll know you're a liar. If you say no, at least I'll know you're being honest.

[uniqueone]

 

And so I suppose you're now going to tell me you've never had sex just for the sake of having sex?

 

No...I haven't.

 

You've been in love with every man you've ever slept with?

 

 

Love? I can't say if each was in fact "love". Infatuation maybe...intense liking definately......and always with the desire for or within a committed relationship.

 

If you say yes, I'll know you're a liar. If you say no, at least I'll know you're being honest.

 

You're 48 years old....and this statement doesn't sound like it. If you think that my answers will be coerced by assertions such as these, you're wrong.

 

Bottom line is this:

 

You choose to sleep with men that you don't like, care about or want a relationship with.

 

I only sleep with men that I like, care about and want a relationship with...and I'm very selective. And you know what? Men actually admire that quite a bit.

[Racquel Colette]

Well, of course, but part of The OP's problem is trying to understand what may be a problem his wife has with him, life, or whatever. Increase in aerobic activity does IN FACT increase sex drive. Biological fact. However, only in SOME cases does dismay with your marital partner cause a drop in libido. It sometimes results in a healthy libido being channeled to another partner without any drop in sex drive, or like me, I may still use him for the only thing he seems good for.

I know you don't like this but people on here might have differing opinions than yours. You need to deal with that instead of going off on everyone. As far as his wife being happy with herself and recognizing that she is good the way she is and doesn't need to change, this is a GOOD thing.

[Try2BeSupportive]

I agree. They can also kill the sex drive, and I mean kill it. Yes, my wife has taken them, too. Howvever, she could switch to a different med and have no side effects at all. Wellbutrin supposedly does not affect the libido.

 

this may be a factor, I should investigate

 

While your wife gladly quit at the time, is it possible that working part-time would be helpful? How old are your child(ren)? Many times it is hardly practical to work with young ones at home, but it can be remedied.

The youngest is in school 3x per week

 

How many hours a week do you work?

40 min, 60 max (on long weeks I get up very early and work 2 hrs before anybody in my house eats breakfast so it is low impact to the family)

 

What is your regular routine when you get home?

Hang out with kids as wife gets dinner together, sometimes do a run

 

Do the two of you talk much in the evening?

Some but not alot

 

Do you hug and kiss much/at all?

Some but not alot

 

And to get even more personal, how often do you have sex? Is it mutually enjoyable or is it more of sex to make you happy?

once every 2 or 3 weeks, mostly because I am interested but I try to make it good for her too

 

What does she do during the day while you're at work and the kids are at school? Does she keep the house inorder, or does she let things slip, get messy, etc? If she IS suffering any effects of depression the signs WILL be there.

She fills the days with errands and shopping. House is not exactly messy (but I kept my bachelor pad neater than our house)

 

Is she seeking counselling due to her anxiety? Cognitive behaviour therapy is the type of therapy she needs to do if she still has anxiety ISSUES, not just the symptoms.

not in counseling. her meds do a good job (so she says)

 

And I also agree with someone who said about the weight gain due to being on meds. She's older, her body is changing after having kids, aging, etc. and yeah, the junkfood doesn't fit her metabolism like it used to.

She has been on meds for awhile. The most obvious (recent) change is her eating and low exercise

 

He loves HER, not her dress size.

I never said I dont love my wife - I do. But her total apathy about her eating and exercise is affecting my attraction.

 

1). Is it reasonable for a spouse to expect a certain "performance" level in an area of the relationship? Should a H expect that his wife will, within reason, maintain a certain weight? Can a W expect that her H will bring in a certain income if he is the family's main support? Etc., etc.

 

2). If your spouse stops meeting the expectation, what is the best way (least confrontational or hurtful) to bring it up for discussion?

 

3). If, after the discussion, your spouse still doesn't change, what does that behavior mean within the emotional context of the relationship?

You have described things pretty well... far less explosive than my thread titled "wife's weight"

 

She must recognize a problem, and she must want to fix whatever is wrong for you. Yet she also must have something else going on that even she is not sure of what it is.

I agree and am optimistic that we can work things out, both our intimacy issue and her weight issue

 

This may have already been mentioned but her symptoms of lack of interest in sex, weight gain, night time snacking may be symptoms of hormone problems which are very common at her age.

Hence the thyroid test she just did (was normal) or are there other tests you are thinking of?

 

If your wife has had a tubal ligation, ovarian cysts removed, a hysterectomy, c-sections which cause scar tissue or adhesions, endometriosis, fibroids, polycystic ovaries, takes birth control pills or hormone replacement pills, has perimenopause or is premenopausal or is simply suffering from ovarian malfunctions or premature ovarian failure, she should probably have a check up with her gynecologist and have her hormone levels checked.

none of the above

 

Let's say your wife says that what she really needs is for you two to talk every night and also to go out on dates sometimes. She tells you that she needs to talk with you about her feelings and feel close to you again. She doesn't talk about or promise any weight loss. What would you do?

Say yes to all above - I would welcome her back to a warmer relationship. Like I said I do love her. I am bothered at our current distance. In addition I am bothered by her giving up her previous effort to eat well and exercise. I am NOT withholding the closeness you mentioned.. it is not contingent upon her weight. At the same time I definitely notice and do not like her new attitude about our physical relationship and her physical activity.

[Racquel Colette]

It is your problem because she is content as she is as a normal sized woman. She is not fitting your mold of the stick thin trophy wife, so you are the one who needs to change.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is your problem because she is content as she is as a normal sized woman. She is not fitting your mold of the stick thin trophy wife, so you are the one who needs to change.

I am curious Raquel, if you'll permit the hypothetical, what your advice to the OP would be if his W gained another 50 lbs above her present weight?

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

It is your problem because she is content as she is as a normal sized woman. She is not fitting your mold of the stick thin trophy wife, so you are the one who needs to change.

 

I think you are missing his real gripe. He talks about weight, but when you read through his words, he talks about her not wanting sex and not showing him affection. While you may consider THOSE motives selfish, it is a husband who doesn't feel the love from his wife. Men DO equate sex and affection with love. For a woman to pretend that this is not the case is a woman who is ignoring the facts of marriage.

 

While you may disagree with his conclusions of thinking her weight is connected to the loss of intimacy, the lack of intimacy IS real in his marriage. It is not just sex. And he has admitted that he does love her but is frustrated with the lack of love from her.

 

T2BS, you answered that the two of you do not talk or cuddle much in the evening...did this begin when she began her nightly snacks or was it before? Or did this begin after she gained weight...because maybe she felt that you no longer loved her (due to the weight gain)?

 

Can you start spending more time with her when you get home? Even if you do some time, can you begin showing attention to her with no expectation of anything more?

[uniqueone]

Men DO equate sex and affection with love. For a woman to pretend that this is not the case is a woman who is ignoring the facts of marriage.

 

 

 

That is just so BS. How many unmarried women have slept with a guy only to have him NOT equate sex and affection with love? A LOT!

 

And we're supposed to believe that suddenly after marriage, the rules just somehow change??? Who changes them?

 

It looks to me like men change the rules whenever it suits THEIR needs.

 

Let's see when a guy is single, he can have sex and it doesn't mean love. But when he's married, his wife better have sex with him, because he equates sex with love.

 

Hmmmm......something doesn't look right with that picture.........

 

It's not that the married guy equates sex with love. It's that he can't get it anywhere else because he married, whereas the single guy can.

[JamesM]

That is just so BS.

 

And we're supposed to believe that suddenly after marriage, the rules just somehow change??? Who changes them?

 

 

No, it is not BS. And while I cannot speak for all men, and certainly not the men you have had experiences with, I can only speak for many married men here, in my real life, and myself.

 

Yes, the rules changed. Who changes them? The Bride and the groom.

 

Here is a wedding vow that most couples take seriously....

 

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

 

Or....

 

I (name), take you (name) to be my (husband/wife), my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.

 

It's not that the married guy equates sex with love. It's that he can't get it anywhere else because he married, whereas the single guy can.

 

And why is it that he cannot get it anywhere else? Is it because he promised to be faithful to his wife? Why then is sex the one thing that is considered cheating? If he chooses to have his laundry, cooking, housecleaning, or "parenting" done by someone else, is this not cheating? No, so why is sex supposed to be only between husband and wife?

 

When a woman withholds sex because she no longer wants it, she prepares the way for a man to cheat. If she knows that he vowed to be faithful and she decides that it is no longer important to her, she has forfeited her portion of the vow. Her "I do" is now "I won't." Sex is an expression of love in marriage, and when a man does not "get it," he not only feels the loss of love, he feels that he is somehow not measuring up. Having personally felt that, I know it is not BS.

 

Two people take a vow and two people need to keep it. That day is the day that the rules were changed.

[Racquel Colette]

James M., you are getting off-topic because the issue is he is disgusted by his normal-sized wife. Of course she is going to sense this. He feels unloved simply because she is content with not being a trophy stick thin wife and won't lose just for him. She is happy with herself, why shouldn't he be? That is the problem, he has said he is so turned off that she has become a normal sized woman and is OK with that, of course she is going to pick up on that.

So....the problem I am seeing is that he needs to change his vision of his wife of what he physically desires to the new confident wife he does have.

[Madalice]

New to the website and the thread.

My finace showed very little interest in me sexually. He did not complement me... i felt unattractive and depressed. I ate- junk food and sweets mostly- to feel better. So lame, but true.

I have reason to beleive that I was never what my fiance desired physically and the junk food just made me less attractive to him.

Is it possible that your wife has resigned herself to her (overweight) situation because she felt that it didn't matter what she did she would never be your ideal?

[Madalice]

You should divorce her. I wish my my fiance (now my husband) told me that he wasn't happy with my body. Now we are married. i wish that I had choosen someone more nurturing. The kind of person that wants to feed me not feel my ribs.

 

Let her be with someone that adores her and makes her feel sexy.

[Try2BeSupportive]

James M., you are getting off-topic because the issue is he is disgusted by his normal-sized wife.

Disgusted is far too strong a term, more like hurt, disappointed, confused, concerned. And normal-sized? For several decades (way before we met) she weighed 125 so I would say her normal-size is .... 125

 

Of course she is going to sense this. He feels unloved simply because she is content with not being a trophy stick thin wife and won't lose just for him.

You may call her previous weight "trophy stick thin" but it was totally normal for her. She was always active and ate well because it was important to her and not just for me.

 

She is happy with herself, why shouldn't he be?

She has stopped taking care of herself physically and tells me she has little interest in sex. You think I should be happy about that?

 

That is the problem, he has said he is so turned off that she has become a normal sized woman and is OK with that, of course she is going to pick up on that.

Again, her normal-size is 22 pounds below her current weight. So of course I noticed this - everybody has, even her girlfriends.

 

So....the problem I am seeing is that he needs to change his vision of his wife of what he physically desires to the new confident wife he does have.

My wife was always confident - nothing new at all. And please share how I should reprogram my entire lifetime of sexual attraction to females who take care of themselves physically, so I can "physically desire" my "new wife" who never exercises, eats junk at night, and has no sex drive. If you know how to "change my vision" in this way, I suggest you write a book on the subject.