wife's weight

[sb129]

I am still concerned that the topic of your wifes anxiety and the fact that she is self medicating for this keeps getting skimmed over.

 

I know it concerns you that her physical self is changing, and you are worried that it will get worse.

 

Do you not worry that her mental well being is obviously not as it was when you first got married, and that if untreated, mistreated or ignored, this could get worse very, very quickly, and may impact seriously on your marriage also?

 

I know you have tried to broach this subject, but it really does sounds as if your wife has some very complex issues going on inside her head that need professional help, and when someone is in this situation, as a loved one, you can't force her to seek help.

Love and support and encouragement are really all you can give until SHE decides to take action for herself.

 

If your wife was an alcoholic or a smoker or a drug addict, the advice that you would be given is that you can't MAKE somebody give up their habits and seek help, they have to WANT to do it themselves, and indeed, professional help for addiction is based around the fact that the person wants to help themselves.

 

There are some great internet resources out there for people living with someone with depression. It might give you some insight into your wifes behaviour. I know from my own experiences with it that it is very self- absorbing, and only I knew the right time to go and seek help for it. It took about 9 years.

[WitchyLady]

"On the topic of who's problem is this I accept that the problem (her weight gain) does seem to be mostly affecting me. I still deny all responsibility in causing this, but I am willing to help work on a solution if that is possible."

 

Well, I think the answer to all of your misery is right there.

 

It's mostly affecting you?

 

No offense, but I think not.

 

You're not the one walking around with the extra pounds, probably dealing with the self-esteem issues that pop up when the body changes. You're not the one looking in the mirror, feeling like your mother all of a sudden.

 

I'm not bashing you, but I am going to tell you up front that I think you need to get a reality check about what your wife is obligated to do for you in terms of your sex life and her body.

 

She may or may not care that much about the extra weight, only she can tell you that, probably she cares more than she'd admit, we all do, but I'll bet she emotionally she realizes how you feel and is probably unconsciously if not consciously reacting to that.

 

Besides, deep down, subconsciously somewhere deep inside? She may be holding on to some of that weight because she really wonders if you will love her regardless of it. That can happen. People who are feeling insecure about the way their relationship is going? They can set up roadblocks and tests for their partner that they aren't even aware of.

 

If I were you I'd start watching myself to see if maybe you are projecting more of your feelings than you realize. I don't think you mean to come off as self-absorbed as you sound, and I do think you love your wife, but I was in her situation, and my spouse was so obviously concerned and turned off by a few extra pounds?

 

I'd be really stressed out about it, and probably very afraid to admit it for fear that it might just be the thing that makes you leave.

 

FYI, a lot of women after they have kids aren't as into sex as they were before and yes, they do put on weight. Yeah, it can partly be too many calories, but it can also be about giving birth and the aftermath.

 

Women who have not had children are biologically different from those who have. In terms of actual physical changes, and hormones and yes, attitude. It's a lot easier to be a partner and a sex goddess before you give birth, before your focus changes from making kids, to taking care of them. Women, who have children, they are hard-wired to be Mom's first and partners after and that doesn't change usually until the kids are practically grown.

 

After a woman gives birth her hips widen, her breasts sometimes get larger, and usually she will gain anywhere from 10-20lbs, and not just because she's overeating. Her hormone levels literally change, and they don't just go back to where they were before giving birth. Over time her hair and skin and whole body, they change a lot, and I am not just talking about wrinkles or about the effects of too many chips.

 

As women age they put on more fat because their bodies start to conserve more fat, at least until after menopause when it starts to go the other way again. They become "moms" look more womanly, more matronly, and honestly the only way to prevent that? Is to spend half your life at the gym and in the plastic surgeon's office. That is how movie people do it, stay young and trimmer than their apparent years, they resort to starving, to working out 2 and 3 hours a day, and if that's not enough, then they go under the knife. But they have to do that. Their looks, that's how they make their living, but there is nothing "normal" about how they look at all.

 

It takes a lot of money and a lot of hard work.

 

The rest of us, the not so famous, not so rich?

 

We show our age, and what the hormonal changes do to us.

 

That's nature, and btw, the same thing happens to men as they get older. Unless you plan on hitting the gym 5 days a week 2 hours a day yourself? It will happen to some extent to you too, and even if you do manage not to gain weight, your body will change and you will start to look like someone's father, and not like a younger version of yourself too. Your hair might thin, you likely will get some in interesting places you didn't want it in, your hips might widen, and you might get those "love handles" that resist all amount of physical training.

 

I know that after my Mom had her kids she lost a lot of her sex drive. She did gain a little weight too. Her doctor finally gave her some hormones and it helped quite a bit, but she also privately admitted to me that she sometimes felt that she was less interested in sex, and that she felt that she and Dad were on a different page with that. I've heard that same comment from a lot of the women I know. There just comes a time when the their sex drive doesn't match up all that well with that of the man in their lives.

 

Sometimes with time that will reverse itself. Once the kids are gone and you are alone again, you may suddenly find yourself with a friskier partner again, because as some women hit their late 40's and further some of them get a second wind when it comes to libido. Again, it's all about feeling sexy, and hormones changing.

 

Bottom line neither one of you has to be unhealthy. Going to the gym certainly won't hurt, and it might life her mood because of the hormones released with working out, but going to the gym may not end up with her being all that slimmer. She may well have some extra padding that will stick. She can probably firm it up quite a bit, but don't expect her to regress to the woman you married again, because likely, it won't happen.

 

See your wife for who she is NOW.

 

Let go of the woman she was when you married her.

 

Yes, encourage her to take better care of herself, that's a good thing if only in terms of keeping her healthy, but don't expect her to be the woman she was when you wed. It's unrealistic and sooner or later? It just might cost you the very thing you most want to keep.

 

The most important thing in my parent's marriage, the thing that kept them together until she died, despite all sorts of health issues, emotional stuff, and yes, weight gain, was the unconditional love that they seemed to have for each other no matter what.

 

Deep down?

 

I think that's what's holding your wife back. From taking care of herself.

I think she needs some confirmation, some reassurance that even if she NEVER loses the extra weight that you will still find her sexy, that you will love her and want her even if she doesn't have a slimmer body to offer.

 

If you can't honestly give her that?

 

Well, I hate to say this but sooner or later the rejection it will likely torpedo your marriage, because if she doesn't think that you can handle a few more pounds, it's very likely she will come to believe that you can't handle far worse, and unfortunately time does have it's wicked way with us all, no matter how much we work to make it otherwise.

 

It's very hard to live with someone who wants you to be something you are not anymore. It's very hard to motivate yourself to even try to take care of yourself if you are sitting there wondering if anything you do will ever be enough.

 

Think about it....

 

What's the bottom line?

 

If you have to can you change how you feel about your wife and the way she looks today? Can you love her, make love to her anyhow even if she can't or won't make herself into the women you'd prefer to see on the other side of the bed?

 

If not?

 

Then you have a much bigger problem than her weight gain.

 

Because sooner or later? She'll likely decide that you don't really love her and she might actually end the marriage herself.

 

You've basically indicated that you'd like to see your wife lose weight to please you. That you can't see her as sexy again until she does. Well, let me ask you this? If she came to you and said to you that she had some reason, physically that she couldn't feel sexually attracted to you, and it meant changing something very personal about your body, something that ultimately might not be so easy to change, or that you didn't particularly mind, but that she really found a turn off, would YOU? Or would you maybe be a bit annoyed that she couldn't just accept whatever that feature was and find you desirable anyway?

 

That's what you may be asking her to do.

 

Honestly? I think the question you really need to start with isn't one about her body. Or the weight. You need to ask her if she is really comfortable enough with YOU to want you sexually anymore. Obviously she is putting up roadblocks between you when it comes to sex. Whether that is because she senses her weight has become an issue, or whether something deeper than that has led her to withdrawing from you physically that's what you need to find out because ultimately it's likely not about weight, or desire, or any of that.

 

It's probably about trust.

 

My 2 cents, take it or leave it, but just so you know, in my work, I hear this same kinda thing all the time from both sides and the more insecure a woman is about the relationship and her looks to begin with, the less likely she is to try to change because her man wants her to, and the more he seems to want her to? The more threatened by his desires she usually gets.

 

I hate to say this but a lot of the time it does seem to lead to divorce.

 

Sad, but true.

[sb129]

Wheeeeeww. Excellent post WitchyLady.

[bish]

Bish, if you have something to contribute (even if you disagree with me) then by all means please share. But it really threatens your credibility when you go on just making stuff up that I never said (or even implied).

 

Dude...you say she is a size 10...far from fat...but then you say she doesn't have to be perfect...well the only thing from a 10 would be that perfect little body.

 

So you don't make sense at all in your arguments. And the fact that you get all sarcastic when talking about her and talk about your wife as though she is some sort of sloth....well that makes YOU look much less than credible.

[bish]

Skinny trophy wife? You must be getting your material from bish because I never said anything like that!

 

You think you didn't but you did.

 

Fact is...size 10 isn't fat....so if you don't like her at a size 10...well hells bells...the only thing left is for her to be a skinny trophy wife.

 

Like you said before...maybe you should divorce and do her a favor so she can find someone that will be a HELL of alot less superficial.

[luvmy2ns]

Bish makes a perfectly good point. Otherwise you would not continue to defend yourself and your feelings that your wife is a different person because she has gained weight, and your refusal to look inside yourself and see her as a person rather than a body.

 

Bish is just trying to piss him off. And he is making things up. T2BS never said he wants his wife to have a "perfect little model body" or whatever Bish said. He's offered nothing in this thread but insults to the OP.

[Try2BeSupportive]

I'm not bashing you, but I am going to tell you up front that I think you need to get a reality check about what your wife is obligated to do for you in terms of your sex life and her body.

First off, thank you so much for a great post! I may not agree with everything you said but I do appreciate you saying it anyway. Up until now I have enjoyed being married to a wife who loves me and wants to have a physical relationship with me. I am surprised to hear you describe our sex life as an obligation for her.

 

She may be holding on to some of that weight because she really wonders if you will love her regardless of it ...(cut)... They can set up roadblocks and tests for their partner that they aren't even aware of.

This makes no logical sense. To me the mature way to deal with her insecurity (your words not mine) is for us to communicate about it. Telling me to just accept her weight gain only encourages her to devise more roadblocks and tests of my unconditional love.

 

FYI, a lot of women after they have kids aren't as into sex as they were before and yes, they do put on weight. Yeah, it can partly be too many calories, but it can also be about giving birth and the aftermath.

You are telling me that some women have kids and decide they no longer like sex and in addition they no longer care about balancing calories. That sounds like exactly the problem in my marriage!! So I am here, reading, asking, and looking for ways to work on a problem that now threatens our marriage.

 

It's a lot easier to be a partner and a sex goddess before you give birth, before your focus changes from making kids, to taking care of them. Women, who have children, they are hard-wired to be Mom's first and partners after and that doesn't change usually until the kids are practically grown.

Here is a fascinating revelation and I wonder if other ladies agree? I love my kids too, but my relationship with them does not displace my relationship with my wife. Does this sound fair to the dedicated husband and father? I should just step aside and ignore my sexuality for the next 18 years until kids are in college? Sorry but that is not my idea of a marriage that meets both partner's needs.

 

Dude...you say she is a size 10...far from fat...but then you say she doesn't have to be perfect...well the only thing from a 10 would be that perfect little body.

 

I said she is a 10 to 12. Not fat but noticeably heavier than ever before.

She (nor I) never had a perfect body and it would be totally unreasonable for me to complain about something that never was and never could be. It is not unreasonable to observe a significant change in her previous lifelong behavior and appearance, which is entirely within her control.

 

And the fact that you get all sarcastic when talking about her and talk about your wife as though she is some sort of sloth....well that makes YOU look much less than credible.

What is sarcastic about me stating these indisputable facts - she eats junkfood every night, and she stopped going to the gym? I never used derogatory terms like sloth, but I certainly do notice and wonder why now she has stopped making any of her previous efforts. These are facts not sarcasm.

 

Bish is just trying to piss him off.

Agreed. There has been alot of productive information exchanged in this thread (like the post by WitchyLady) and it is a shame to clutter it up with pointless flames about things I never said. Time now to utilize loveshack's Ignore feature....

[hotgurl]

here is wher I am a little confused you find your wife unattractive but still want to have sex with her?

 

Why?

 

If she is so unattractive to you why are you bothering her for sex?

[Mr. Lucky]

" Yes, encourage her to take better care of herself, that's a good thing if only in terms of keeping her healthy, but don't expect her to be the woman she was when you wed. It's unrealistic and sooner or later? It just might cost you the very thing you most want to keep.

I also found your post insightful. But here, in a nutshell, is what I don't understand. Why only women? And why only weight?

 

Many women post their frustration here that their BF or H isn't as attentive to them several years into the relationship (cue up the old Barbra Steisand/Neil Diamond duet "You Don't Send Me Flowers Anymore" ). Or he's not as motivated to work hard around the house or to support the family as he was when younger. Would you counsel them to "don't expect him to be the man he was when you wed" ?

 

Why do some women feel that the issue of one's obligation to one's partner doesn't apply to weight or appearance?

 

Mr. Lucky

[hotgurl]

I also found your post insightful. But here, in a nutshell, is what I don't understand. Why only women? And why only weight?

 

Many women post their frustration here that their BF or H isn't as attentive to them several years into the relationship (cue up the old Barbra Steisand/Neil Diamond duet "You Don't Send Me Flowers Anymore" ). Or he's not as motivated to work hard around the house or to support the family as he was when younger. Would you counsel them to "don't expect him to be the man he was when you wed" ?

 

Why do some women feel that the issue of one's obligation to one's partner doesn't apply to weight or appearance?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Here is my take at least for myself.

 

Women's bodies change if they have children. They change a lot. and there is a lot people don't tell you about that change stretch marks, sagging breasts weight gain. wider hips, fat in places that just won't go away.

 

I think a lot of women feel that to some extent they sacrifice their bodies to have children and no amount of exercise will put it back. So it can be really offensive to have a husband harp about 20 pounds after having two kids.

 

Pregnacy change for the most part are out of your control. So it feel like a slap in the face the have a hubby complain after carry his child for 9 months.

 

Plus it does take a lot of time and effort to lose weight esp if you are older and so woman are exhausted with kids careers etc..

 

Plus there can be a fear of the man trading you in for a newer model after you have kids.

 

It sucks. It sucks my boobs will never be perky again after kids without surgery. I feel my hubby should still love me saggy boobs and all. It sucks not to hav ethe time to be initmate with your husband and when you are worry about him judging your new body that perhaps you aren't even thrilled with.

 

I think most people want to be fit but as a mother there is a lot of guilt involved for leaving you children for the necessary amoutn of time it takes to be fit. Taking time for yourself(a lot of women don't do this) or even having time to exercise and having the energy.

 

I know myself I am running around like a crazy person. 3 night of the week I am gone for 12 hours with work, basketball practice my 2nd ob. and I still have to cook and do disheds laundry. I am to tired to even think of my appearance some days.

 

Plus there is always the thought why can't he just love me. not just my body.

 

The is just my take it is probably not the same for everone.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I'm sorry to all the women, but am I sick of hearing "I have had kids" excuse for gaining weight and letting your appearance go. Preganancy does cause you to gain weight, but that should only be temporary. After the birth weight should be worked off quick smart. There is always time for some exercise and even if there is not, watching what you eat should do it. All it takes is some willpower which unfortunatly most women just don't have.

 

My mum has had 2 kids and has always worked off her preganancy weight straight away is now the same weight she was when she was 20. It's all about priortities and if looking good is important to your husband and it should be to you too, then you rearrange your schedule appropriately.

 

Men are visual and sexual. If you don't feel like having sex with him and have put on heaps of weight, then don't be suprised if goes elsewhere. It's funny how some wives start to take care of their appearance AFTER they have been cheated on. Suddenly while they still have to look after kids and all, they have time for the gym and what not. Sorry but being married and having kids doesn't give you an excuse to be a fat slob.

[luvmy2ns]

I'm sorry to all the women, but am I sick of hearing "I have had kids" excuse for gaining weight and letting your appearance go. Preganancy does cause you to gain weight, but that should only be temporary. After the birth weight should be worked off quick smart. There is always time for some exercise and even if there is not, watching what you eat should do it. All it takes is some willpower which unfortunatly most women just don't have.

 

My mum has had 2 kids and has always worked off her preganancy weight straight away is now the same weight she was when she was 20. It's all about priortities and if looking good is important to your husband and it should be to you too, then you rearrange your schedule appropriately.

 

Men are visual and sexual. If you don't feel like having sex with him and have put on heaps of weight, then don't be suprised if goes elsewhere. It's funny how some wives start to take care of their appearance AFTER they have been cheated on. Suddenly while they still have to look after kids and all, they have time for the gym and what not. Sorry but being married and having kids doesn't give you an excuse to be a fat slob.

 

Ooooh, you're brave! I can tell you there will definitely be at least three people on here saying all kinds of nasty things to you after that post, but I certainly won't be one of them.

 

I'm sick and tired of the "poor me" mentality in this country. So many people made this woman's newfound laziness her husband's fault. Unbelieveable. However, they've been talking, and it sounds like they may be having some good communication on the subject now.

[sb129]

I'm sorry to all the women, but am I sick of hearing "I have had kids" excuse for gaining weight and letting your appearance go. Preganancy does cause you to gain weight, but that should only be temporary. After the birth weight should be worked off quick smart. There is always time for some exercise and even if there is not, watching what you eat should do it. All it takes is some willpower which unfortunatly most women just don't have.

 

My mum has had 2 kids and has always worked off her preganancy weight straight away is now the same weight she was when she was 20. It's all about priortities and if looking good is important to your husband and it should be to you too, then you rearrange your schedule appropriately.

 

Men are visual and sexual. If you don't feel like having sex with him and have put on heaps of weight, then don't be suprised if goes elsewhere. It's funny how some wives start to take care of their appearance AFTER they have been cheated on. Suddenly while they still have to look after kids and all, they have time for the gym and what not. Sorry but being married and having kids doesn't give you an excuse to be a fat slob.

 

:rolleyes:

 

Such a valuable contribution to the thread.

 

The OPs wife is not a "big fat slob". She is 10-15lbs above what he considers to be her ideal weight.

 

Its interesting that you yourself haven't actually had children, you are just using anecdotal evidence to back up your argument.

[luvmy2ns]

:rolleyes:

 

Such a valuable contribution to the thread.

 

The OPs wife is not a "big fat slob". She is 10-15lbs above what he considers to be her ideal weight.

 

Its interesting that you yourself haven't actually had children, you are just using anecdotal evidence to back up your argument.

 

I do agree that the "big fat slob" comment was over the top derogatory. I have three kids and am 48, and when I put on weight it's because I've been eating the wrong foods and laying around on my arse. No mystery there. If I'm watching what I eat (and I still treat myself to whatever I want on the weekends) and workout, I stay very trim, even after three kids and at my age.

[BlueEyedGirl]

:rolleyes:

 

Such a valuable contribution to the thread.

 

The OPs wife is not a "big fat slob". She is 10-15lbs above what he considers to be her ideal weight.

 

Its interesting that you yourself haven't actually had children, you are just using anecdotal evidence to back up your argument.

 

Oh while I haven't had children, I can assure you that when I do have them I will be back to my pre pregnancy weight within few months (if not sooner).

 

How do I know this? Let's just say that most of my life I have had to work pretty hard to keep the weight off.

 

Few years back, I started taking medication for chronic health condition that makes you gain weight like crazy by increasing your appetite. I asked my doctor about how to keep my figure and do you know what she said? Blueeyedgirl, the medication won't make you gain weight magically. It will make you more hungry, but if you keep track of how many calories you have eaten and don't rely on being hungry, you won't gain a pound. And she was right. But I often go to bed feeling hungry and it's incredibly hard and takes a lot of self control. But you know what, it's all worth it! And whenver I notice that I have gained so much as 1 kg I adjust my exercise/eating accordingly.

 

I'm sick of excuses, especially knowing what I go through to keep myself at good weight. I honestly do not understand it when I see an obese person. How the hell do you let yourself get that way ?

 

I could have easily let myself become obese and then used the line "I'm taking medication, of course I have gained weight, poor me!" But that is just not acceptable to me and it shouldn't be to anyone else.

 

BTW getting older decreases your metabolic rate by around 2% for very decade, which is basically nothing.

[sb129]

I haven't had any kids yet. I am normal size and weight. I work to look good for myself, not my BF.

 

I love good food, and I hate dieting, therefore I exercise alot so I can still enjoy good food, good wine, and chocolate when i want- within reasonable limits!

I don't binge eat, I know my limits, and I agree that there are alot of people out there who are too lazy to actually change their lifestyle habits and lose weight.

 

I think lumping the OPs wife into this category is a bit harsh though. She isn't obese at this stage, in fact she isn't making any excuses for herself anyway, not that we know of.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I haven't had any kids yet. I am normal size and weight. I work to look good for myself, not my BF.

 

I love good food, and I hate dieting, therefore I exercise alot so I can still enjoy good food, good wine, and chocolate when i want- within reasonable limits!

I don't binge eat, I know my limits, and I agree that there are alot of people out there who are too lazy to actually change their lifestyle habits and lose weight.

 

I think lumping the OPs wife into this category is a bit harsh though. She isn't obese at this stage, in fact she isn't making any excuses for herself anyway, not that we know of.

 

While 155lbs isn't obese at her height, change from 125 to 155 is huge. If he had married her at 155lbs and she stayed around that weight that would have been prefectly fine. It's the CHANGE that's the problem. And I'm sorry but gaining 20-30lbs in 10 years is too much.

[sb129]

While 155lbs isn't obese at her height, change from 125 to 155 is huge. If he had married her at 155lbs and she stayed around that weight that would have been prefectly fine. It's the CHANGE that's the problem. And I'm sorry but gaining 20-30lbs in 10 years is too much.

 

OK, OK, keep your knickers on. Well done you for having so much self control. In a way, food dominates your life too, because you have to think about it constantly.

 

And as for going to bed hungry- no thanks! I am by no means a lazy fat slob, and enjoy exercise, so shouldn't have too much of a problem later in life, but to be that obsessive about controlling every kilogram is not my bag. If it WAS my BF would hate it. But you go girl.

 

I personally think that for whatever reason, she (the OPs wife) is unhappy, and is comfort eating, and is either unaware of or doesn't care about her husband opinion on her weight.

 

Thats all.

[sderenzi]

we can only hope she's as understanding when you begin your bodily changes in the future

[Racquel Colette]

I have read all of Bish's contributions to the thread and he is not name calling or being attacking whatsoever, just calling it how he sees it.

I guess I am getting the same viewpoint after I have seen the wonderful relationship of my sister and brother in law, it has absolutely nothing to do with weight, still going strong after 13 years. Even when she was a size 12 for a while, there was still that chemistry and that deep unconditional love. I think, trytobe, you just don't understand that kind of a love for someone.

You won't even take the suggestion of trying to look behond her weight and trying to love her as she is. That is what I don't understand, you are putting it all on your wife. She might think she looks awesome with the new curves. Sucks to be you if that's true, huh? What if she is completely embracing her body now?

[Mr. Lucky]

Racquel:

 

I posted this question before but you didn't answer it:

 

I am curious Raquel, if you'll permit the hypothetical, what your advice to the OP would be if his W gained another 50 lbs above her present weight?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Racquel Colette]

Is this the case? That is a what if question. That is not the issue the guy is upset about. He thinks she is too fat now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Nice side step. Is there a weight that his wife's continued inactivity might cause her to reach at which you think his concerns would be justified?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pirouette]

What an interesting thread.

 

Not really addressing the issue in the original post, but what I see is a lot of very disparate views.

 

There are some exercise and nutrition enthusiasts who can't understand why people allow themselves to get fat.

 

There are people who take an easy approach who can't understand why a few pounds is such a big deal to some.

 

There are people who think maintaining attractiveness is an obligation and sign of devotion in a relationship. A lapse is unacceptable.

 

There are people who think that you should love your partner no matter what.

 

The optimal solution is probably a combination of all, but how likely is that?

 

A person has a right to believe what they want, but they have to accept that their views may clash with others and just because you see it as absolutely right and true for you, and it is because it is your view on life, it does not make it so for others. You may never reconcile your views and it's almost impossible to convince people otherwise.

 

Trying to understand where other people are coming from and what they believe is just good practice in life. It'll keep your blood pressure lower. You may like exercise (or force yourself to do it, good for you) and eat healthy and look at the 300lb person and can't believe that they let themselves get that way, but a little bit of empathy goes a long way. I don't think any person wants to be 300lbs, but they just don't find it as easy as some people do. Maybe they lack willpower, maybe they don't have the confidence to go out in public to exercise, maybe they're so overwhelmed they defeated before they even try and then they get bigger. Maybe they just don't care enough anymore.

 

It certainly doesn't help to point fingers and sneer at an obvious situation and make accusations and demands like 'what's wrong with you, you fat slob?','why don't you get off your butt?','it's easy, stop eating that burger.' If it were that easy for everyone, it would already be done and we wouldn't have smokers that can't quit, druggies and alcoholics, and people who can't get the weight off.

 

One person sees only excuses, the other see nearly insurmountable obstacles. The degree of rightness is only in the perception. Do you believe in universal truths?

 

To the OP, things are a little convoluted and this is what I get out of your posts:

 

You are concerned about your wife's weight because you find her less attractive at her current weight. You have noticed less exercise and more snacking, a change in expected behaviour that has lead to the increase in weight. Your lack of attraction is tied to your feelings of love for her. You want her to cut the snacking and begin exercising again to lose weight so she become attractive again and you go back to feeling in love with her.

 

You have not broached the subject until recently, and still not completely. You feel completely justified in your feelings, and were simply looking for advice on broaching the subject.

 

Did I get this right?

[sb129]

What an interesting thread.

 

Not really addressing the issue in the original post, but what I see is a lot of very disparate views.

 

There are some exercise and nutrition enthusiasts who can't understand why people allow themselves to get fat.

 

There are people who take an easy approach who can't understand why a few pounds is such a big deal to some.

 

There are people who think maintaining attractiveness is an obligation and sign of devotion in a relationship. A lapse is unacceptable.

 

There are people who think that you should love your partner no matter what.

 

The optimal solution is probably a combination of all, but how likely is that?

 

 

Did I get this right?

 

What a fantastic post Pirouette, thank you, yes I think you did get it right. I completely agree with what you are saying that the optimal solution is a combination of all of the above, yet too many people are too black and white about it.