wife's weight

[Try2BeSupportive]

Try2Be, what if your wife is perfectly happy losing only 5 pounds and being a healthy, sexy, happy 150 pounds and going to the gym only a couple times a week, yet still having her chocolate (oh the HORROR)? Are you willing to accept this if this is what makes her happy? She might not want to be a size 6 again and is perfectly happy being a healthy size 10/12. What if she thinks she looks fine at this weight and couldn't give a rat's what her girlfriends think? (I state this because you feel that since her girlfriends have made comments about her gaining weight, this is the ultimate proof that she needs to lose weight and is looking bad.) What if she doesn't feel she looks bad? What if she feels she looks hot at a 10/12 and will continue going to the gym a couple times a week with no intentions of being a smaller size, the size she was a decade or more ago?

However, at the same time, she will not gain any more weight over what she is currently?

Will this be OK with you, or will the 20-25 pounds be the issue which will cause a divorce?

 

Your hypothetical question is a toughie, one which honestly I do not know the answer. I guess right now I have 4 distinct issues that bother me:

1) the carefree eating habits

2) inactive lifestyle

3) already a very noticeable +23 pounds

4) sex once per month

 

I think the combination of all 4 things is intolerable for me because the message I get is she no longer cares about her appearance or our physical relationship. I have observed that many people reach a certain age and they seem to abandon even the slightest effort to maintain their body or appearance. The possibility that my wife could ever be like that just rocks me to the core. And the fact that I truly am an equal co-parent, working a high pressure executive job, yet I still have the energy and motivation to remain fit - all makes it very hard to be less judgmental of her.

 

Here is what I do know. I have always considered my wife to be HOT.. in the sense that she would turn my head, even if I did not know her. Although you said "a decade ago" I must point out she remained physically fit and very HOT into her mid/late 30s (ie, after our kid's birth). Before meeting my wife, every girlfriend was similarly HOT (to me, maybe not to anybody else). And a major part of my brain's perception of HOT is someone who takes care of their body.

 

The question is - am I capable of sustained love and attraction if my wife no longer turns my head? Let me reiterate that my issue has nothing to do with normal aging differences. For example, the Victoria's Secret catalog does nothing for me but I cannot resist the Title 9 Sports catalog (athletic "soccer moms"). My answer to Raquel? I do not know! I have never been in a relationship with someone whom I did not consider HOT. Maybe I am capable of forming a new definition of HOT. At the moment I am stuck wondering why such a change is even necessary? What causes people to stop caring about maintaining efforts to look their very best?

 

Its not her weight as much as it is your cowardice or inability in talking to her about your own feelings.

You are right - I am a coward about discussing my feelings about her weight with her.

[HokeyReligions]

That's why I suggest counseling. I've been thru this with my own husband. He couldn't talk to me about some things either. Going to counseling told me that 1) he valued our marriage enought to want to work to keep it and 2) that he is strong enough to know when he needed help to communicate.

 

Knowing that made the truth of his feelings much easier for me to hear and with counseling to help me accept and adjusted and him too.

 

It is not uncommon for a partner to be afraid of communication - because they don't want to hurt their spouse -- for two reasons; they still care/love their partner and they are aleady hurting enough themselves and don't think they can stand strong under another argument and more stress of full disclosure.

 

You and your wife need a life priority check with an outside professional who can help you stay on track with your communication.

 

I wish you well.

 

 

This is from someone whose been married over 21 years, been thru counseling a couple of times and has not had sex in 14 years but still remain married!

[Racquel Colette]

What if she considers herself HOT and looking her very best. Maybe she doesn't consider needing to be a size 6 looking her very best. So I am glad you are at least considering changing your version of what is 'hot.'

[Try2BeSupportive]

This is from someone whose been married over 21 years, been thru counseling a couple of times and has not had sex in 14 years but still remain married!

 

Any weight issues involved in your situation? Anyway, God bless you HokeyReligions!!! Fantastic that both you and H have such compatible beliefs in the important things for your marriage. I applaud your sincere love and wish for your continued happiness.

 

Now as for me, there is no possible way I could remain in a long term sexless marriage. I will do whatever it takes to restore the physical attraction and passion that our marriage once had. I am not one to submit to thinking "everything else in the marriage is perfect so just accept that physical attraction and intimacy are no longer a priority". At the moment, my wife seems very content with status quo (we really do have a great life) so I am thinking that marriage counseling might be our next step. I need to know if she even wants to work towards restoring our intimacy, and she she needs to know that I am a "shallow man" because status quo is not doing it for me anymore.

 

Maybe she doesn't consider needing to be a size 6 looking her very best. So I am glad you are at least considering changing your version of what is 'hot.'

She was a 6 all her life until her late 30s so I doubt she suddenly decided that larger is her best look. No, I suspect her priorities and motivation has changed. This bothers me, and time will tell if my version of HOT is adjustable to include a lifestyle of relaxation over activity.

[Mr. Lucky]

I AM GUESSING HERE but I doubt her expectations are being met 100% in the marriage.

Why? Because she's gaining weight? In your world, that MUST be the reason. There's no sinners, slackers or lazy, unmotivated people - there's only victims...

 

Mr. Lucky

[daisydufas22]

Why? Because she's gaining weight? In your world, that MUST be the reason. There's no sinners, slackers or lazy, unmotivated people - there's only victims...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Hmmm..... how like you to say that her needs/expectations MAY NOT being getting met and thus weight gain. Seriously,you jump to conclusions so much.......see the bigger picture!

 

People don't often express that their expectations are not being met in a marriage. The husband's expectations are not being met, so my GUESS is her expectations are not being met.

 

Sure, he is complaining about weight but there are other issues that have been highlighted here too!

 

Got it now?

[Racquel Colette]

Hey, Try2Be, I am 39 years old and a year and a half ago I lost 25 pounds from doing "Body Sculpting with Gilad" recordings. I have DVR and record those programs off of the cable TV channel FitTV. I did that 4 or 5 times a week. It focuses on light weight training - there are hour long shows on Sundays and half hour shows daily.

People thought I was going to the gym and getting buff, I wasn't, I was staying home and doing Gilad and getting buff. I also do walking whenever possible.

If you have the money and space, a treadmill might be just the thing. It is so much more convenient to hop on the treadmill at home than pack up and go to the gym. Maybe that would be more motivating to your wife.

[NoIDidn't]

Most people gain weight as they get older. Especially if they keep up with eating habits from when they were younger and don't add exercise.

 

Size 10/12 is a good size in my personal opinion. But culturally, I know that may not be the case for others. Size 6 is too thin to me. I don't know why anyone would want to be that size if they are over 35 anyway.

[BlueEyedGirl]

This is from someone whose been married over 21 years, been thru counseling a couple of times and has not had sex in 14 years but still remain married!

 

OMG

 

And your H was faitfull all that time?

No way in hell.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sure, he is complaining about weight but there are other issues that have been highlighted here too!

Yes, there have been other issues spoken about. And I agree 100% that unless they find some way to talk about them, things won't get better. But I'm still amazed at all the faults being ascribed to the OP based on his description of his wife's actions. A lot of assumptions - unwarranted, in my book - being made...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HokeyReligions]

OMG

 

And your H was faitfull all that time?

No way in hell.

 

Yes Way. I'm not going into the whole 25 year history of our relationship, but neither of us cheated. There are many more couples than you think for which sex is a low priority, and for whom being celibate is a life style choice. Neither of us has any plans for sex again in our lives and we are fine with that. Sex confuses everything and is an added stress and burden we don't need or want; yet we continue to be very close and have a bond that is strong - stronger than most people can imagine. Sex isn't everything and for us, sex has nothing to do with love.

[Racquel Colette]

1. He might divorce you and then get sex.

2. He probably isn't as content as you believe he is in a sexless marriage.

3. You are fooling yourself if you think your bond is that strong, unless he is gay and he is out having affairs with men and you are completely that close in a platonic way.

This is for Hokey.

[OpenBook]

Yes Way. I'm not going into the whole 25 year history of our relationship, but neither of us cheated. There are many more couples than you think for which sex is a low priority, and for whom being celibate is a life style choice. Neither of us has any plans for sex again in our lives and we are fine with that. Sex confuses everything and is an added stress and burden we don't need or want; yet we continue to be very close and have a bond that is strong - stronger than most people can imagine. Sex isn't everything and for us, sex has nothing to do with love.

 

Hey, to each his own. If it works, it works! But you gotta admit, the vast majority of MP out there don't think the way you and your S do about sex.

[hotgurl]

1. He might divorce you and then get sex.

2. He probably isn't as content as you believe he is in a sexless marriage.

3. You are fooling yourself if you think your bond is that strong, unless he is gay and he is out having affairs with men and you are completely that close in a platonic way.

This is for Hokey.

 

Racquel you have no idea about hokey's past. She has been on here for years. Please read some threads before you give her advice.

 

You are assuming she is the one who is the cause behind a sexless marriage. you are wrong.

[whichwayisup]

1. He might divorce you and then get sex.

2. He probably isn't as content as you believe he is in a sexless marriage.

3. You are fooling yourself if you think your bond is that strong, unless he is gay and he is out having affairs with men and you are completely that close in a platonic way.

This is for Hokey.

 

I'm 100% backing hotgurl here too. RC, you do NOT know Hokey at all or anything about what she's been through - If you want to go back and read ALL her threads to learn about her life, do so, then you'll see what you've written in your post isn't true and you'll feel embarressed.

[daisydufas22]

Yes, there have been other issues spoken about. And I agree 100% that unless they find some way to talk about them, things won't get better. But I'm still amazed at all the faults being ascribed to the OP based on his description of his wife's actions. A lot of assumptions - unwarranted, in my book - being made...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

You have made a lot of assumptions -unwarranted - about MY posts. It's a joke....lighten up! LOL;)

 

The problem as I SEE it is that he refuses to acknowledge that their marriage needs work in other areas too, not just his wife's weight. She may refuse to lose the weight and yes I do think his actions (described by him) are that he is a bully that does not deal with his own issues but takes it out on others.

 

We all see things differently....that's life!

[sb129]

1. He might divorce you and then get sex.

2. He probably isn't as content as you believe he is in a sexless marriage.

3. You are fooling yourself if you think your bond is that strong, unless he is gay and he is out having affairs with men and you are completely that close in a platonic way.

This is for Hokey.

 

I can't believe this (or its author) is still here. What makes her such an authority on marriage and relationships? I am glad Hokey has risen above such a low comment and not bothered to respond.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Hey, to each his own. If it works, it works! But you gotta admit, the vast majority of MP out there don't think the way you and your S do about sex.

 

Are there some others (like me) who believe that giving up sex is NOT a normal part of aging and marriage? And what makes that any different than maintaining a level of fitness and attractive weight?

 

There are many more couples than you think for which sex is a low priority, and for whom being celibate is a life style choice.

 

Let me rephrase that in terms of the original thread topic:

There are many more couples than you think for which maintaining weight and fitness is a low priority, and for whom inactivity and eating snacks is a life style choice.

 

I started this thread with the premise that physical activity and eating well are lifelong priorities. A large number of posters have loudly said that I have unrealistic expectations - basically they are saying:

Most people gain weight as they get older........I don't know why anyone would want to be that size if they are over 35 anyway.

 

You see, sex and fitness are BOTH lifelong priorities for me. And if my spouse should decide that giving up sex is fine with her, well I would NOT just accept that ... and reading the last few posts, I would say most agree. Why then should I just accept that gaining 30 pounds in 4 years is normal part of aging or marriage?

[OpenBook]

Are there some others (like me) who believe that giving up sex is NOT a normal part of aging and marriage? And what makes that any different than maintaining a level of fitness and attractive weight?

 

 

 

Let me rephrase that in terms of the original thread topic:

There are many more couples than you think for which maintaining weight and fitness is a low priority, and for whom inactivity and eating snacks is a life style choice.

 

I started this thread with the premise that physical activity and eating well are lifelong priorities. A large number of posters have loudly said that I have unrealistic expectations - basically they are saying:

 

 

You see, sex and fitness are BOTH lifelong priorities for me. And if my spouse should decide that giving up sex is fine with her, well I would NOT just accept that ... and reading the last few posts, I would say most agree. Why then should I just accept that gaining 30 pounds in 4 years is normal part of aging or marriage?

 

Because you're trying to integrate your own "lifelong priorities" of sex and fitness into yours and your W's marriage vows!! That's not what either one of you signed up for when you got married!! It's till death do you (both) part - for better or worse!! Not till one of you gains 20 lbs!!

[luvmy2ns]

Because you're trying to integrate your own "lifelong priorities" of sex and fitness into yours and your W's marriage vows!! That's not what either one of you signed up for when you got married!! It's till death do you (both) part - for better or worse!! Not till one of you gains 20 lbs!!

 

What about 100 lbs? Is it then okay for him to have expectations? It could happen if she keeps it up.

[bish]

Are there some others (like me) who believe that giving up sex is NOT a normal part of aging and marriage?

 

 

Maybe you should try to quit switchine your stories around. You have stated in this thread early on that YOU withdraw from sex because she isn't as thin and attractive to you as she once was.

 

So make up your mind as to who is "giving up sex".

[Mustang Sally]

So make up your mind as to who is "giving up sex".

Ok.

With all due respect, bish....

Maybe it's not so easy as it might appear to all of us here on LS?

 

Maybe, just maybe, in a (complex) marriage relationship (of 10+ years) there is a lot of GRAY ZONE in, well, just about everything. Like who lost attraction to who first, or who lost interest in sex first, or who started resenting who first, etc....

 

You know?

 

I can state from personal experience, that if I were to try to talk about my marriage in this kind of emotional detail, that it would probably get confusing (for me as well as everyone else) and seem inconsistent at times.

 

Let's all EASE UP a bit, what do you think?

[bish]

Let's all EASE UP a bit, what do you think?

 

ease up a bit on a man that isn't easing up on his wife and trying to run her like a work camp...watching the fork go from her plate to her mouth for every bite on Thanksgiving? he actually said this!!!

 

he aint easing up on her at all. And as far as what I said...I just ask for the real story...just who is withdrawing from sex...first he says he denies her sex because of her weight....then says she does....well which is it?

[Mustang Sally]

ease up a bit on a man that isn't easing up on his wife and trying to run her like a work camp...watching the fork go from her plate to her mouth for every bite on Thanksgiving? he actually said this!!!

 

he aint easing up on her at all. And as far as what I said...I just ask for the real story...just who is withdrawing from sex...first he says he denies her sex because of her weight....then says she does....well which is it?

Yeah.

I get it.

My point is: it's probably BOTH.

(You and I both know this, already.)

 

He clearly doesn't find her attractive anymore. I know what that feels like. Sex is difficult under those circumstances.

 

She (I'm absolutely sure) feels his distance. Maybe she had reason to be emotionally distanced from him before the weight became a significant issue? Who knows...we don't have the story in her words. Certainly, this makes many (most?) women less interested in sex.

 

I'm just saying...I've been there done that with the loss of interest in sex thing. It was actually BOTH of us, for different reasons, with maybe minute differences is timing...in the end it didn't really matter who "got there" first. It pretty much all fed off itself and both of us.

 

Ok. Stepping back out of this discussion again.

 

Peace.

[bish]

Yeah.

I get it.

My point is: it's probably BOTH.

(You and I both know this, already.)

 

He clearly doesn't find her attractive anymore. I know what that feels like. Sex is difficult under those circumstances.

 

And if thats the case I fail to see where a few lost pounds is going to change anything. Its like hes in love with the idea of a slim body...forget about her face.

 

If a few pounds is the difference to him from her being attractive and ugly...then maybe he should divorce, move on, and find someone else.