wife's weight

[Try2BeSupportive]

see, you are in the next stage of life, when you love someone, you accept the next "phase," in fact you embrace it. Sometimes that includes a fuller figure. You love someone through thick and thin, literally.

You need to start thinking of her as a curvy, sexy woman. She is sexier and better than ever! Like Meryl Streep, as I was mentioning. Your wife has appeared to become more confident in herself. She knows she looks great whether she's at the weight she is now or 20 pounds thinner. Accept this confident, beautiful, more mature, sexy woman or divorce her and let her get snatched up by a man who will appreciate her beauty, maturity, and sexiness! Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep!

 

You seem to be confused between "aging" (an unavoidable natural process) and "behavior" (choosing to eat junk but not exercise). My wife's weight gain has nothing to do with age, she was at her normal weight into her mid 30's. But in the past 5 years she started eating alot of junk in the evenings and stopped almost all forms of exercise. Sorry but this is just NOT attractive behavior.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sorry but this is just NOT attractive behavior.

 

So, what is your plan to get this across to her?

[Oregon Blackberry]

You seem to be confused between "aging" (an unavoidable natural process) and "behavior" (choosing to eat junk but not exercise). My wife's weight gain has nothing to do with age, she was at her normal weight into her mid 30's. But in the past 5 years she started eating alot of junk in the evenings and stopped almost all forms of exercise. Sorry but this is just NOT attractive behavior.

 

Meryl Streep is a size 12 to 14, looks great. She obviously is not eating carrot sticks and skinless chicken breasts 24/7, though.

Your wife is simply enjoying food and life. She enjoys food and snacking. That is a part of who she is. Look at Greek women, I mean, they are considered beautiful for eating and carrying some more curves. If you want to have a talk the easiest way would be to say "Maybe you should try some healthier snacks." We just had a female teacher in her 50's have a minor heart attack at school, it was pretty scary for all of us. Maybe mention something like that, more her health than her weight.

However, I kinda like your wife in that she thinks she looks fine and is embracing. It is true that aging is associated with a bit of a body change. So, you're going to have to accept and love her as she is, or leave, so she can find a better, more loving man, who will love her as she is, imperfections and all, it's as simple as that!

There are plenty of men in their 40's who have wives who aren't stick thin and they absolutely love and adore their wives. If you can't be a man who loves his wife for who she is rather than what she looks like, then leave, dude.

(To all of you who are thinking I am overweight, I am not. I am 39 years old, work out, and like to stay at a slim size 6. I know there will be those who state "well, a size 6 isn't really that thin, you need to be a 4 or less, but I really am fit and trim. I get told that a LOT.)

However, that explanation about myself aside, even if I gained 20 pounds, and gained 2 sizes, I know that I am still beautiful and I would still have people stating that I am attractive. This is how you should feel about your wife!

[bish]

What should I do??

 

divorce her if you are that superficial towards the mother of your children.

 

If you want the perfect hollywood wife...well...then move to freakin' hollywood and give it your best shot.

[Oregon Blackberry]

divorce her if you are that superficial towards the mother of your children.

 

If you want the perfect hollywood wife...well...then move to freakin' hollywood and give it your best shot.

 

Meryl Streep IS a Hollywood wife! She has stated publicly recently that she is a size 14. She is so beautiful! Inside and out! She has a LOT of movies coming out, Hollywood is still knocking at her door.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Thanks to all who have posted suggestions. Many of these are good ideas that I will be thinking about as I ponder what to do next.

 

I am sorry if I gave the impression of performing a science experiment - trying to transform an average women into a perfect hollywood wife. She is no model, nor am I. But I have always been very attracted to her, and a large part of that was the fact she took great care of herself (through diet and exercise) for almost 15 years I have known her. And I am both concerned and hurt that recently she cares so little about her weight gain. Clearly this is more of an issue for me than for her, and I am contemplating just what my next move will be.

 

Many folks seem fine (embrace the idea) that weight gain is unavoidable with age. References please? I googled the topic and every article that I read says the same thing - weight gain over the years results from less activity and more calories. This is behavioral, not biological. And my wife is a perfect example of changed behavior resulting in weight gain.

[whichwayisup]

And I am both concerned and hurt that recently she cares so little about her weight gain.

 

Tell her you love her, and then tell her exactly what you said here.

 

Is it possible she's depressed? Lost the 'zing' in life? Just too lazy to do anything and it's the same daily routine, day in and day out?

 

Okay, time for a change up! Book a romantic weekend getaway, a bed'n'breakfast or a nice hotel downtown in your City. She probably needs to feel sexy and desired, so she can 'want' to lose the weight, not because you want her to.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is behavioral and biological. More calories + sedentary lifestyle = weight gain. I don't think anyone would argue that. You also have to pair that with the fact that your wife is getting older and her metabolism is slowing. When you pair poor eating habits/sedentary lifestyle with a naturally slowing metabolism you have a recipe for obesity.

 

You have said what you wanted in terms of what you want your wife to look like in terms of weight, and what you get out of that. We know how you expect to benefit from it. How about your wife? What can you do to show her that she will benefit from it?

[Oregon Blackberry]

She thinks she looks great and jsut wants to enjoy life. Enjoying life includes enjoying food. Again, I am surprised that you have not responded to my Meryl Streep reference. She is a size 12 to 14! She is considered a very beautiful, Hollywood star! If your wife thinks she is beautiful and confident with her looks, then that is that. Good for her! Good riddance to you!

[abeliever]

wow. so shallow. give me her number and I will call her and let her in on the secret. gaining weight = divorce in your book? what about your kids bad grades or behavior = you disowning them? husband doesn't take marriage vows seriously for better or worse = divorce.

 

maybe the problem is your very attitude that you have displayed here is whats the problem and her eating eases the pain. since we all have opinions here, here is mine.......

 

the problem is she needs to find a real husband, one who doesn't give up on her because she doesn't fit into his box.

 

i'm ashamed of this thread i just came on and saw the topic and thought no way someone is this crazy. guess i was wrong.

 

how sad my friend. you obviously don't need a wife or kids. life is not what you want its what the good lord gives you. maybe your missing the lesson it was for you and not HER.

 

 

sorry i read this thread.

glad I am abeliever

[Mr. Lucky]

She gained an average of 2 pounds/year (20 pounds in 10 years) including giving birth to two babies! Get real woman! That's called natural, not an inordinate amount of weight

So the OP should accept that, if they are fortunate enough to be married 50 years, his wife is going to gain 100 lbs ? Some people (men and women) do gain weight and some don't. Those that don't make it a part of their lifestyle to stay active and eat right because they think it's important for the well-being of both their body and relationship. Absent a medical reason for weight gain, weight loss (or weight maintenance) is no different than the effort that it takes to succeed at many other parts of life.

 

Why are so many people so defensive over this?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Oregon Blackberry]

Just because she's gained a little weight back, doesn't mean she is going to gain weight steadily at that rate for that long.

Also, she is happy at the weight she is. So...what is he complaining about?

We are getting upset because this man is clearly shallow, considering divorce over a few pounds. He isn't loving what's inside. She could lose and gain and lose again. So what?

If he is going to lose love for her because of this, he's an a##hole. I really loved the analogy of would you disown your kid for a bad grade.

Meryl Streep is probably about the same size, or even larger, than his wife. She is beautiful. Why is no one responding to this?

[RecordProducer]

And I am struggling here to decide what I should do about it.

You (should) only have such struggles in life.

It is MY problem not hers

This is very obvious.

 

Do I file for divorce and never explain why?

I think this would be the best for her.

 

Do I have sex but pretend I am attracted when actually I am not?

And what would you achieve with this?

Meryl Streep is a size 12 to 14, looks great. She obviously is not eating carrot sticks and skinless chicken breasts 24/7, though.

Your wife is simply enjoying food and life. She enjoys food and snacking. That is a part of who she is. Look at Greek women, I mean, they are considered beautiful for eating and carrying some more curves.

I must correct you in this: Neither Meryl Streep nor Greek women are considered beautiful.

 

This is not about beauty - beauty is a subjective feeling and you can't convince a man that his wife is (not) beautiful. This is about loving a partner as they grow older and less beautiful.

[Oregon Blackberry]

Did you see Sophie's Choice? Beautiful. She was very attractive in The Devil Wears Prada, also.

I always thought that to be compared to a Greek statue was the ultimate compliment for a woman.

[RecordProducer]

I always thought that to be compared to a Greek statue was the ultimate compliment for a woman.

Greek statue, not Greek woman!

 

I love Meryl, but I don't know a single man who thinks she's hot.

[Try2BeSupportive]

It is behavioral and biological.

I did some more research on this: it is 63% behavioral and 37% biological. So OK I learned a bit here (age is a minority factor) but my previous assertion was basically correct: activity and calories have twice the importance of age in maintaining weight. My #s above are skewed towards biology because I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.

 

google for "metabolism calculator" if you want to verify my results (I purposely chose one that leaned in your favor):

 

MA20: female, 5'6, 140#, moderately active, age20 = 2293 calories/day

MA40: female, 5'6, 140#, moderately active, age40 = 2148 calories/day

LA40: female, 5'6, 140#, lightly active, age40 = 1906 calories/day

 

MA20 - LA40 = 387 calories/day (age + activity combined)

MA20 - MA40 = 145 calores/day (age alone)

 

Age component = 145 / 387 = 37%

Activity component = 242 / 387 = 63%

 

You have said what you wanted in terms of what you want your wife to look like in terms of weight, and what you get out of that. We know how you expect to benefit from it. How about your wife? What can you do to show her that she will benefit from it?

You ask this as if I must sell her on some radical new and different lifestyle. In fact majority of her life was very healthy and active so I am just concerned about the recent changes. So the "benefits" to her are the same as they were her first 35 years of life - feeling good, high energy, looking good, being fit, improved health, good example to our kids, more exciting activities, etc. These are not new things. These are things we have always had together but I feel have gone missing.

 

 

We are getting upset because this man is clearly shallow, considering divorce over a few pounds. He isn't loving what's inside. She could lose and gain and lose again. So what?

If he is going to lose love for her because of this, he's an a##hole. I really loved the analogy of would you disown your kid for a bad grade.

Meryl Streep is probably about the same size, or even larger, than his wife. She is beautiful. Why is no one responding to this?

 

I already said that I was not serious considering divorce (post #46) I am just unsure of what to do. Also I never said I stopped loving her (I love her very much) only that my sexual attraction to her has diminished greatly. This seems like a problem that (long term) will affect both of us.

 

Regarding Meryl Streep, RecordProducer said it right: I admire Meryl but she does not excite me at all. Since you persisted on your example let me provide you some actresses same age as Meryl who DO excite me: Jamie Lee Curtis, Marg something from CSI, Kim Delaney from NYPD blue. And I think all of them are 55+ year old moms who obviously eat right and exercise. But let me repeat - I do not expect my 40yo wife to compete with even 58yo hollywood actresses - I am only responding to OregonBlackberry's need for a response.

 

This HOT thing is perhaps the essence of my concern. Despite being married and very busy myself (job, father, husband, etc) it is still very important to me that I take care of myself. And I have always been excited about my HOT (in my eyes) wife. But her HOTTNESS has faded (in my eyes) recently and the cause is not her age but rather her weight gain AND her unsexy behavioral changes that brought this on.

[bish]

I did some more research on this: it is 63% behavioral and 37% biological. So OK I learned a bit here (age is a minority factor) but my previous assertion was basically correct: activity and calories have twice the importance of age in maintaining weight. My #s above are skewed towards biology because I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.

 

google for "metabolism calculator" if you want to verify my results (I purposely chose one that leaned in your favor):

 

MA20: female, 5'6, 140#, moderately active, age20 = 2293 calories/day

MA40: female, 5'6, 140#, moderately active, age40 = 2148 calories/day

LA40: female, 5'6, 140#, lightly active, age40 = 1906 calories/day

 

MA20 - LA40 = 387 calories/day (age + activity combined)

MA20 - MA40 = 145 calores/day (age alone)

 

Age component = 145 / 387 = 37%

Activity component = 242 / 387 = 63%

 

OMFG...no you didn't. You are actually so obsessed in your superficiality that you go to these lenghts to investigate it?

 

Why don't you just do your wife a favor and divorce her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have always been excited about my HOT (in my eyes) wife. But her HOTTNESS has faded (in my eyes) recently and the cause is not her age but rather her weight gain AND her unsexy behavioral changes that brought this on.

 

So... what is your plan on getting this across to her? How will you convince her that your motives are altruistic and not selfish?

[Try2BeSupportive]

OMFG...no you didn't. You are actually so obsessed in your superficiality that you go to these lenghts to investigate it?

 

This is such an emotional topic that I thought it would help to bring some actual facts into the debate. I posted on here that age was not the issue - it is her behavioral changes that bother me. Many people vehemently stated that her age explains her weight gain so I needed to see if I was wrong. My research indicates I was correct about factors affecting weight gain. If you disagree, could I ask you for facts which support your position?

 

And while clearly I would be wrong to have expectations of uncontrollable forces (biology) am I wrong to have expectations that my wife would generally sustain her same behaviors of our first decade together? Am I wrong to admit my attraction has changed when in fact her behavior has changed in unattractive ways?

 

So... what is your plan on getting this across to her? How will you convince her that your motives are altruistic and not selfish?

 

I don't know yet what I will do. That is why I am here to ask and learn. So far, several people have said "just divorce her" (as in I do not deserve her) but others have called me an a**hole for mentioning the D word (i was not serious!)

[bish]

This is such an emotional topic that I thought it would help to bring some actual facts into the debate. I posted on here that age was not the issue - it is her behavioral changes that bother me. Many people vehemently stated that her age explains her weight gain so I needed to see if I was wrong. My research indicates I was correct about factors affecting weight gain. If you disagree, could I ask you for facts which support your position?

 

My POSITION is that you should love your wife for who she is...not see her as a piece of meat that needs a perfect body before you want to have sex with her. I could give a rats ass about your statistics or "facts" on weight gain. That FACT is that you don't accept her for who she is.

Is it natural for some attraction to slip away when your SO gains weight...sure, but to you its the end all. She could probably be a real witch with a perfect body and you'd have more respect for her based on the fact that you are overly superficial.

 

The point was that you went out of your way to do research to prove that your wife is some sort of fat ass slob. Why don't you just come out and tell her that your "findings" support that she is a pig? See what she says and get back with us.

 

And while clearly I would be wrong to have expectations of uncontrollable forces (biology) am I wrong to have expectations that my wife would generally sustain her same behaviors of our first decade together? Am I wrong to admit my attraction has changed when in fact her behavior has changed in unattractive ways?

 

No, but you are freakin' obsessed with it. If she is that much of a troll to you, then divorce her so you can find that perfect little cupie doll.

 

 

 

I don't know yet what I will do. That is why I am here to ask and learn. So far, several people have said "just divorce her" (as in I do not deserve her) but others have called me an a**hole for mentioning the D word (i was not serious!)

[whichwayisup]

Tell her you love her, but you're very concerned about her weight. TOGETHER you need to do things. GO for that evening walk - Do some yoga. Explain to her that you just worried about health issues that could happen if she puts on more weight.

 

I still think she's depressed and needs a full physical too. Who know, maybe she has a thyroid problem and that's making things worse.

[Try2BeSupportive]

That FACT is that you don't accept her for who she is.

 

If I could re-phrase this slightly and make an admission: at this moment (but keeping an open mind...) I do not fully accept her for who she has become. My point being that she had always been a certain way for over 35 years but now is she is different (not explained by age). Is it possible to reprogram my sexual attractions? Maybe. Any others (male or female) on here care to share how they adjusted to behavioral weight gain in their spouse?

 

GO for that evening walk

You may be onto something here. I need to find some alternate activity to replace her evening snack time.

 

I still think she's depressed and needs a full physical too. Who know, maybe she has a thyroid problem and that's making things worse.

Another good thought. I will suggest we both get full checkups (including thyroid) now that we both hit 40.

[justpassingthrough]

I need to find some alternate activity to replace her evening snack...

 

Might I suggest a roll in the hay instead?

 

Just putting it out there.

[Kamille]

 

You ask this as if I must sell her on some radical new and different lifestyle. In fact majority of her life was very healthy and active so I am just concerned about the recent changes.

 

If her weight gain is caused by a recent change of behavior, I agree with you that it is worrysome.

 

I think this is precisely how you should broach the topic with her. She could be depressed, feeling overwhelmed with work and the kids, whatever which would explain why she no longer makes a healthy lifestyle a priority.

 

You need to find out why it no longer is a priority for her and what you can do (if anything) to help her get back to her old healthy self.

 

I have a question, because I think that fundamentally, what is going on between your wife and you, is a communication problem. How good are the two of you at communicating on the diverses daily challenges that married life throws at you? How do you deal with other issues - such as child-rearing etc? From the comment you made about asking her if she plans to return to weight watchers, it made it sound like you have a rather passive way of communicating with your wife, perhaps because you fear that, because she can be sensitive, she will get upset.

 

There is no way around it however. You need to communicate on this issue. Accept that she might get upset and that she has the right to be upset. You also - despite what everyone here thinks- have the right to be worried about what her change of behavior means for your wedding. But you need to figure out what is going on at a deeper level then the simple mathematics of her weight gain. What is causing her to change her behavior is the basic question here.

[sb129]

I think you need to look at yourself and realize what you really love about her. Love isn't about weight. 155 really isn't overweight or obese. On a 5'7" woman it is still considered in the "normal" range. Lots of women about that weight look really beautiful and curvy, really work it and it works for them. That is not fat! I'm sure lots of men would think your wife looks great! I think maybe you should try to view her in a different perspective. She is not the 125 pound woman you married, she is the sexy 150 pound, mature beauty you now have, who is wiser and sexier than ever!

 

Yeah!!!

 

How dare all you people tell the OP what should or should not turn him off sexually!

 

And, no kidding we get wrinkles and such as we age! Did the OP say anything about hair or wrinkles? Weight gain is a matter of choice, unless there is some medical issue.

 

Part of the issue about an inordinate amount of weight gain, for me, is the lack of self control that it takes. Kinda turns me off.

 

But she hasn't gained an enormous amount of weight.

She has had two kids, her metabolism has slowed down (because age DOES play a factor in weight maintenance).

 

She isn't helping by quitting the exercise and snacking every night, but maybe she doesn't want to?

 

She gained an average of 2 pounds/year (20 pounds in 10 years) including giving birth to two babies! Get real woman! That's called natural, not an inordinate amount of weight.

Fun, you make so much sense sometimes.....I wish you would give yourself a dose of your good sense!

 

Re: Self control: Gaining 2 lbs a year means she takes in 7,000 calories more annually then she expends. So break that down, that's 19 calories a day that she takes in that she does not use.

 

19 calories is nothing.

All the people who seem to be going on about self control on here are either a) men or b) women who don't have kids, and both groups obviously don't know how hard it is to lose that weight.

 

Well, you obviously have wrinkles, quite a bit around the eyes. What if your SO started being turned - off sexually because of this and the thought of your wrinkles made him not want to have sex with you anymore? what if he said "You need to have complete facial surgery, botox, breast lift, the works" in order for me to be attracted sexually to you again and for me to not break up with you. I am NOT attracted to you anymore."

Think about it.

 

Good point. Alot of people go bald as they age, and you can't even always predict who will go bald.

Luckily for me Wonderboy is bald now, and i think its hot, so no nasty surprises for me later!

 

Wrinkles, losing teeth, greying hair, hairloss, etc are natural forms of aging and cannot be avoided. Weight gain IS NOT a natural part of aging so can somebody please explain why give an apples to oranges comparison?

 

Many have said things like "10 years of marriage" ... "parenting 2 kids" .. "age 40" ... as if those things caused her to gain weight? And why is that I am all those things (no childbirth, but a parent) yet I have not gained weight? Please provide a medical reference that shows these factors cause weight gain. Everything I read says weight is purely a matter of calories in / out.

 

Its not THAT simple. Age and childbirth DO play a big factor. Weight gain is a natural form of aging, but when people get really old, they tend to lose it again. How many obese 80year olds do you know?

Some scientists have even proposed that a virus may be responsible for obesity, but the research is in its baby stages.

 

You seem to be confused between "aging" (an unavoidable natural process) and "behavior" (choosing to eat junk but not exercise). My wife's weight gain has nothing to do with age, she was at her normal weight into her mid 30's. But in the past 5 years she started eating alot of junk in the evenings and stopped almost all forms of exercise. Sorry but this is just NOT attractive behavior.

 

OK, I agree the snacking at night isn't a good thing. But have you thought about whether there is a REASON why she is doing it?

 

Maybe she is bored, or depressed, or unhappy?

You need to explore this.

 

It is behavioral and biological. More calories + sedentary lifestyle = weight gain. I don't think anyone would argue that. You also have to pair that with the fact that your wife is getting older and her metabolism is slowing. When you pair poor eating habits/sedentary lifestyle with a naturally slowing metabolism you have a recipe for obesity.

 

You have said what you wanted in terms of what you want your wife to look like in terms of weight, and what you get out of that. We know how you expect to benefit from it. How about your wife? What can you do to show her that she will benefit from it?

 

Very good point here, and also re-iterating the fact that she the odds are against her with both the behavioural and biological factors. Does she have an INCENTIVE to lose weight?

Whats in it for her?

 

 

Another good thought. I will suggest we both get full checkups (including thyroid) now that we both hit 40.

 

This is a good idea.

 

I also think that you should support your wife if she wants to exercise etc by looking after the kids.

 

Who cooks in your house?