wife's weight

[bish]

Actually this is false, keeping all things the same running on a treadmill will cause you to lose weight. Running on a treadmill for one minute burns at least 10 calories. Hours must mean at least two, so at least 120 minutes. So running on a treadmill for hours in a day will burn off at the very least 1,200 calories, a large amount that will cause you to lose weight, especially if done at least 3 times a week.

 

So if your calorie intake is 3000 a day...most people it is more...and your target is 1500 a day...you'd have to be on the treadmill every day for several hours...nobody has the time or the energy for that...well, I won't say most people...but I am not going to consume all that I want in a day, then spend 3 to 4 hours on the treadmill daily trying to burn it off.

[allina]

So if your calorie intake is 3000 a day...most people it is more...and your target is 1500 a day...you'd have to be on the treadmill every day for several hours...nobody has the time or the energy for that...well, I won't say most people...but I am not going to consume all that I want in a day, then spend 3 to 4 hours on the treadmill daily trying to burn it off.

 

I'm really not trying to argue an off topic point but I believe that you are incorrect for the most part. If you eat 3,000 calories a day and burn 1,200 on a treadmill you are left with 1,800 which you will burn off just by living. Also by working out you are greatly increasing your metabolism. I'm not saying this is a good way to go or that there are no exceptions but for the most part working out a lot will result in weight loss.

[Try2BeSupportive]

I appreciate all the great ideas people. Sorry if it seems I am only responding to negative posts.

 

judging by his attitudes and how he approaches problems, it's not hard to guess that the communication between him and his wife is very poor.

Would you elaborate please?

 

Nah, with what he is saying, it is a matter of attraction..not concern for her well being. He isn't concerned if she will blow up bigger...he thinks she looks atrocious with the 50 extra pounds or whatever it is. Its about his attraction to her.

 

Like I said in my first post, my issue is that she has visibly gained alot of weight, several of her lady friends asked her if she was pregnant. She has stopped exercising and now snacks each night (like right now). All of this I find terribly unattractive. I do not believe 25 extra pounds is a major health issue. But 25 pound really does make a big difference (to me) in sexual appeal. If you know how I can reprogram my brain to be sexually attracted to a larger lady then please share.

 

Hell, I'd like to see a picture of this guy. See if he is all that and a bag of chips to be talking.

 

What does you seeing my picture have to do with anything in this thread? Obviously my wife felt I was attractive enough to marry me. And I have always taken very good care of myself, which means that my looks today are exactly how I looked on our first date.... plus 15 years older. Aging is unavoidable, so I feel no obligation to perpetually look 25, and I do not expect that of my wife. But gaining weight is 100% avoidable, so I have not gained any weight.

 

My point is not about being (and especially not about becoming) all that and a bag of chips ... my point is if my wife abandons lifelong efforts to take care of what the good lord gave her, that my sexual attraction has diminished.

[whichwayisup]

Have you been pro-active yet? Gone for one of those evening walks? Even if it's just 2 blocks from home, it's a start. Also, have you discussed that you're concerned about her health? And, that it's time for her to have a full physical with her Doc, just to make sure everything is okay.

 

When you do talk to her, say everything in a loving tone - Out of concern and care, not attack mode or to make her feel bad. Reassure her of the love you feel for her too..

[Try2BeSupportive]

Tomorrow we have a babysitter so I am planning something active with her. I mentioned the need for us both to get a full checkup. I need to follow through and get my own appointment!

 

I have every intention to be supportive (hence my login name). The last thing I want is to appear mean - I realize THAT would be counterproductive.

[bish]

Tomorrow we have a babysitter so I am planning something active with her. I mentioned the need for us both to get a full checkup. I need to follow through and get my own appointment!

 

I have every intention to be supportive (hence my login name). The last thing I want is to appear mean - I realize THAT would be counterproductive.

 

Your getting a babysitter...and instead of going out and having a good time....your taking her to the doctor.....my god you are obsessed with this.

 

The poor woman.

[PWSX3]

Tomorrow we have a babysitter so I am planning something active with her. I mentioned the need for us both to get a full checkup. I need to follow through and get my own appointment!

 

I have every intention to be supportive (hence my login name). The last thing I want is to appear mean - I realize THAT would be counterproductive.

One thing to remember is if you are in any type of shape & it sounds like she isn't that she will NOT be able to keep up so try & go her pace.

I know this is something I am learning with my W, when we walk to the store I walk a LOT faster then she does & she gets mad because she can't keep up so now I slow down to go her speed, but now she is trying to go a little faster to make it a speed in between the two of us.

 

This is also true as far as cardio, I doubt your W will be able to keep going as long as you do so make sure & keep this in the back of your head, go a speed she will like & that way she will enjoy it as well.

 

I remember even for me when I started walking I just walked around the block, then two, & then a mile & so on. As long as she is taking small steps she is moving forward & that is all you can ask for.

[whichwayisup]

Tomorrow we have a babysitter so I am planning something active with her. I mentioned the need for us both to get a full checkup. I need to follow through and get my own appointment!

 

I have every intention to be supportive (hence my login name). The last thing I want is to appear mean - I realize THAT would be counterproductive.

So today is the day...What did you end up doing with your wife? Take her out and have some fun...Make sure that you two laugh and giggle. Make it light hearted.

[uniqueone]

Halloween is next week and I vividly remember last year I started a MAJOR fight in the house because I threw away tons of candy (mostly stuff we bought to give out but was leftover, also some that my kids collected). When she asked me Why? I told her that "nobody in our house really needed that much candy around". She EXPLODED at this! She felt I was trying to control HER diet (and I guess in a way she is right) but I really tried to handle it in a non-personal manner. Honestly my kids and I do NOT need to eat more candy either!!! So despite our fight on this, we never got down to honest discussion of the topic.

 

See my post in the thread on bulimia.....

 

This isn't about food....it's control. Notice how she exploded? That's not about food...that's a feeling that she just lost control. Overating is no different that bulimia or even anorexia. It's all about control and/or stuffing one's emotions aside. It's NOT the food.

 

The fact that you two don't communicate spells it out pretty well. If you can't communicate enough to talk about these things then there are other things you two can't talk about as well and she's been keeping them inside and it's "eating" at her. She's getting her comfort by eating. Eating carbs and candy is no different than taking drugs to stop the inner pain or anxiety that someone feels. And it's certain types foods (carbs and sugars) that produce this effect. (you don't often see people binging on steaks or chicken now, do you?)

 

She's self-medicating. And you notice how many people today are self-medicating? That's because we keep adding more and more stressors to our lives. She's probably trying to be wife, mother, career woman, Girl Scout leader.....whatever.... And in today's world we have very limited ways in which to vent our frustrations (trying reaching your phone company when you have a problem, for instance...you'll become more frustrated after the phone call trying to reach an actual person than you were beforehand)

 

Where does all this stress go? Some people eat.

 

And then there YOU are thinking of YOUR needs. You really need to start thinking of HER needs and what needs aren't getting met that's causing this.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Now that the physical aspect has improved, it's really just down to us improving the communication/emotional aspects of our R. Do you think there might be some issues in these arenas for you and your W as well?

 

Yes there are some issues here. I am working on that. But to be totally honest my biggest communication issue right now is in-ability to discuss the affect of her snacking and weight gain on me.

 

Your getting a babysitter...and instead of going out and having a good time....your taking her to the doctor.....my god you are obsessed with this.

 

I did not intend the doctor's appmt sentence to be a continuation of the babysitter sentence - I should have broken the paragraph because those were different thoughts entirely. If I seem obsessed that is because I am torn between my love and devotion for her, and my sexual frustration over her apathy towards her own body.

 

So today is the day...What did you end up doing with your wife? Take her out and have some fun...Make sure that you two laugh and giggle. Make it light hearted.

 

We went for concurrent runs (we started at the same time but ran different routes at different pace). Showered then hung out with friends for an hour, bid them goodbye, went out to dinner followed by to a theater show. Got home, started getting ready for bed. So far a romantic evening - until she grabs her snack!! I am horny but the spell is broken towards her, so I proceed to the bedroom and masturbate alone. I would say we have some issues here!

[bish]

We went for concurrent runs (we started at the same time but ran different routes at different pace). Showered then hung out with friends for an hour, bid them goodbye, went out to dinner followed by to a theater show. Got home, started getting ready for bed. So far a romantic evening - until she grabs her snack!! I am horny but the spell is broken towards her, so I proceed to the bedroom and masturbate alone. I would say we have some issues here!

 

No, I'd say YOU have some issues here.

[Try2BeSupportive]

No, I'd say YOU have some issues here.

 

Would you please elaborate? Seriously! If you have insight into what my issues are, please share!!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe I missed it, but what sort of snacks is she eating? Could something low calorie or healthier be subbed in?

[luvmy2ns]

Would you please elaborate? Seriously! If you have insight into what my issues are, please share!!!!

 

I would suggest putting some folks on ignore, at least until you get to the conclusion of this thread. Some don't understand and are choosing to take digs at you instead of trying to offer any type of constructive advice. While I agree that looks are not the be all and end all, you should be able to expect your wife (or husband) to want to be attractive to you.

[Kasan]

We went for concurrent runs (we started at the same time but ran different routes at different pace). Showered then hung out with friends for an hour, bid them goodbye, went out to dinner followed by to a theater show. Got home, started getting ready for bed. So far a romantic evening - until she grabs her snack!! I am horny but the spell is broken towards her, so I proceed to the bedroom and masturbate alone. I would say we have some issues here!

 

I think this is the issue that Bish is pointing out--your wife went for a run, hung with friends, went out to dinner, had a really good time at the theater, and then she came home and grabbed a snack.

 

You lost your sexual desire for her--because she grabbed a snack. That is a control issue. Her grabbing a snack that night was not going to put more weight on her that evening.

 

The theme of this thread has been about control, communication, aging, and your unreal expectations of what you think your wife should look like.

 

I still think that there is something going on here with you that we aren't aware of.

[spookie]

I just read through the whole thread and I must say it really disturbed me. I also think that you are superficial and have major issues with control. Regarding being attracted to your wife, at her current weight she STILL has a ways to go before she even hits "overweight". Sure, she looks different now than she did when you married her, but you knew that's how it would be when you got married. Likely, her expectations for her body are less stringent than yours. She probably feels that at 40, happily married with 2 children, she isn't doing so bad at 145 (and it's true).

 

It seems all your marital problems stem from the fact that you cannot respect her because she insists on ingesting those last 400 calories late at night. Have some perspective. If this is the worst thing she does, you are so lucky. You need to start appreciating her for things such as loving you, being faithful, birthing your children, etc. You're letting your marriage fall apart because she likes to snack. Get over it.

 

Also... you never mentioned whether or not she worked, but if she has two little children running around, and she is fixing all your meals, and you take off 3 times a week to go to the gym, she is liking stressed out. Like someone else mentioned, why don't you suggest that she take some nights off to relax? If she felt less pressure maybe she would be more motivated to take care of herself.

[luvmy2ns]

I just read through the whole thread and I must say it really disturbed me. I also think that you are superficial and have major issues with control. Regarding being attracted to your wife, at her current weight she STILL has a ways to go before she even hits "overweight". Sure, she looks different now than she did when you married her, but you knew that's how it would be when you got married. Likely, her expectations for her body are less stringent than yours. She probably feels that at 40, happily married with 2 children, she isn't doing so bad at 145 (and it's true).

 

Everyone seems to miss the fact that she currently has these nightly snack fests, and the OP is hoping to keep his wife from getting huge. Should he wait until she's considered grossly obese before he addresses his concerns with her? And which weight is the weight you feel she should reach before he's "allowed" to be concerned and unattracted to his wife? I think it's much kinder to help her get a grip on this before she gets to a point where all the naysayers on this thread will agree he has a right to take issue with her weight, because at that point it would feel hopeless to her to even begin trying.

[uniqueone]

Everyone seems to miss the fact that she currently has these nightly snack fests, and the OP is hoping to keep his wife from getting huge. Should he wait until she's considered grossly obese before he addresses his concerns with her? And which weight is the weight you feel she should reach before he's "allowed" to be concerned and unattracted to his wife? I think it's much kinder to help her get a grip on this before she gets to a point where all the naysayers on this thread will agree he has a right to take issue with her weight, because at that point it would feel hopeless to her to even begin trying.

 

 

But the issue's not her weight.

[luvmy2ns]

But the issue's not her weight.

 

Maybe not yet, but it will be if the "issue" isn't addressed.

[whichwayisup]

She's depressed and needs a fun outlet, anything - To get her out of the house so she can feel good about herself, feel like she's accomplishing something. The eating and weight gain is a symptom of how she is feeling. That's why I have suggested that he become pro-active and do stuff with his wife. Go for evening walks together, or do a yoga class together.

[OceanBlue]

I just read through the whole thread and I must say it really disturbed me. I also think that you are superficial and have major issues with control. Regarding being attracted to your wife, at her current weight she STILL has a ways to go before she even hits "overweight". Sure, she looks different now than she did when you married her, but you knew that's how it would be when you got married. Likely, her expectations for her body are less stringent than yours. She probably feels that at 40, happily married with 2 children, she isn't doing so bad at 145 (and it's true).

 

It seems all your marital problems stem from the fact that you cannot respect her because she insists on ingesting those last 400 calories late at night. Have some perspective. If this is the worst thing she does, you are so lucky. You need to start appreciating her for things such as loving you, being faithful, birthing your children, etc. You're letting your marriage fall apart because she likes to snack. Get over it.

 

Also... you never mentioned whether or not she worked, but if she has two little children running around, and she is fixing all your meals, and you take off 3 times a week to go to the gym, she is liking stressed out. Like someone else mentioned, why don't you suggest that she take some nights off to relax? If she felt less pressure maybe she would be more motivated to take care of herself.

 

Wow...you wrote exactly what I would have.

 

Then the evening out...a run, visit with friends, dinner, theatre...I probably would have dropped into bed without a snack...because I'm guessing the babysitter is not going to be there in the morning to watch kids and make breakfast...drive to sports...go shopping...clean house...etc...

 

Just a thought, but maybe she is well aware of how you are feeling and is using it as a mechanism to avoid what may be feeling like one more chore?

[uniqueone]

 

Wrinkles, losing teeth, greying hair, hairloss, etc are natural forms of aging and cannot be avoided. Weight gain IS NOT a natural part of aging so can somebody please explain why give an apples to oranges comparison?

 

First of all, I agree with you that weight gain doesn't necessarily come with aging. I'm in better shape now that I was when I was younger. It CAN be done.

Many have said things like "10 years of marriage" ... "parenting 2 kids" .. "age 40" ... as if those things caused her to gain weight? And why is that I am all those things (no childbirth, but a parent) yet I have not gained weight? Please provide a medical reference that shows these factors cause weight gain. Everything I read says weight is purely a matter of calories in / out.

 

 

It's this part though that you seem totally clueless on. You actually equate being a parent with carrying a child inside you for 9 months and giving birth? And how many times did she do that? How many kids did she have?

Childbearing causes the pelvis to widen. It causes fat deposits in the hips, thighs and abdomen. It causes breasts to sag. It even causes women's feet to widen. Sounds fun, huh? Wanna try it? I don't....that's why I haven't....didn't look like too much fun to me.

 

Yes, there ARE women who are the type who get pregnant and only gain weight in their tummy (just like on tv) and then they have the baby and are wearing their regular jeans the next day. And then there's the rest of us.

 

So first, you need to get a sense of reality. What bothers me about this is that it tells me that you have no idea of what it's like to be her. And that tells me that you're too into yourself. And I'm getting a strong notion that this lack of understanding on your part is why she eats.

 

And I will say this....anyone who eats a lot at night is a nervous or emotional eater. It's not out of gluttony...it's got to do with her emotions and you can tell that by the fact that she does it at night. It's her rewarding herself for her stressful day or her lack of getting her needs met or having to hold back her emotions.

 

How interested are you in getting to the source of her eating or are you just interested in her body and getting her to stop eating in order to look better? How much do you care about her emotional well being?

 

So I am called shallow for being unattracted to a lifestyle of eating alot but no exercise? When the girl I married was very active and very thin? How is it I am at fault here? I am not asking her to change.... I am asking her to STOP CHANGING. Her current behavior is a change from our first several years together.

[Try2BeSupportive]

To answer some questions asked yesterday:

She does not work (aside from being SAHM)

She already has a gym membership (with childcare)

We have 2 kids

Most of her weight gain has come after giving birth

 

 

I hate to break this news to some of the recent posters, but weight gain is NOT a natural effect of age, motherhood, marriage, life's pressures, emotions, a spouse with unrealistic expectations of his/her partner, working a job. Weight gain is VERY simple - eat more calories than you burn. That is it! None of those other things cause her to gain weight, it is her eating and exercise habits. And these have changed drastically since we got married - and I find this very unattractive.

 

My sexual interest since age 13 have always been for a fit body. And my wife for 35 years was exactly that - a fit body. And now she has changed. I have not adjusted favorably to her change. I find it unattractive.

 

So you can disagree with me about the causes of weight gain (but so far nobody has provided any references to dispute the fact of calories eaten/burned). But you cannot tell me how to feel - and that is sexually un-attracted to a girl stops all effort to remain fit.

 

Let's assume for a moment that you are all right in the things you have called me - clueless, no sense of reality, too into myself, lack understanding, no perspective, shallow.

 

She is completely off the hook? Free pass to stop exercising, eat junk, gain 25 pounds and more? Her actions are now blamed on me? I am responsible? I not only CAUSED her weight gain, I must also now look the other way?

 

I really feel sorry for you victims who lack any sense of personal responsibility. Life will indeed be hard on you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I dunno. I'm beginning to think that maybe you should be thinking divorce. Its becoming clear that the problems you are talking about are not just your wife's but your own as well. Sure, she may have put on some weight, but your inflexible body image and expectations for her are causing a downward spiral that I don't see your marriage lasting through.

[hotgurl]

To answer some questions asked yesterday:

She does not work (aside from being SAHM)

She already has a gym membership (with childcare)

We have 2 kids

Most of her weight gain has come after giving birth

 

 

I hate to break this news to some of the recent posters, but weight gain is NOT a natural effect of age, motherhood, marriage, life's pressures, emotions, a spouse with unrealistic expectations of his/her partner, working a job. Weight gain is VERY simple - eat more calories than you burn. That is it! None of those other things cause her to gain weight, it is her eating and exercise habits. And these have changed drastically since we got married - and I find this very unattractive.

 

.

 

 

pregnancy does cause weight gain and forever changes your body. e she can lose all the pregnancy weight but things will never go back to the way they were before. That tummy almost never goes away the breast sag etc.. I have lost 40 pounds and still have a little pouch.

 

It has to do with the abl muscles being stretch out to accomadate the baby.

 

Most celebs you see have had mommy makeover and that is why thier stomach is flat etc..

 

While it is realistic to expect a person to stay in a healthly weight range it is unrealisitic to expect them to stay the same as before kids etc..

 

Also I asked her height and dress size on the 1st page and you never answered me. What is it?