wife's weight

[Mr. Lucky]

When you do confront her about what happened to the woman she used to be, she will wonder what happened to the man you used to be: one who stood before G_d, family, friends, peers and acquaintances and promised to love and cherish her in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer and all that stuff.

Many women don't hesitate to post here on LS how they have lost respect for those husbands that can't hold down a job or maintain an expected financial standard for them and their families. The word used most often to describe these guys - lazy. The beleagured women recieve much empathy and support, few seem to care why the loser she's married to is under employed.

 

Here the shoe is on the other foot. The OP has a reasonable expectation that his wife will be similarly committed to the health of the marriage. And even though his wife is "lazy", many posters here want to make him the bad guy for his concerns. I don't get it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LucreziaBorgia]

Hurt feelings never make sense. If you take the most logical and reasonable of arguments and present it to someone, and it hurts them - they will react emotionally, not logically.

 

People aren't saying he is the bad guy because he is concerned about his wife's health. I don't think he is concerned about her health. It sounds to me like he is only concerned about her appearance, and wants her to be hot again so that he will want to continue having sex with her.

 

His motives don't strike people as altruistic. Even if they are, he doesn't come across that way in this thread. That is what people are reacting to. His motives, not his actual concerns.

[bish]

So my options are to -

1. Divorce her. She will immediately drop 25 pounds, guys will swarm all over her, and 5 years into their relationship she will start filling their grocery cart with BonBons ... cycle repeats

 

2. Sit back and watch her further abandon our husband/wife relationship while she silently drifts off doing her thing - which she really does seem to enjoy being a fulltime mother. The problem there is I am left... unsatisfied ... and my fidelity to her would not last very long.

 

3. Confront her directly with the entire situation - distance between us and her behavior changes (weight gain) that turn me away.

 

At this point I choose #3. Any final words of advice for me before I have this conversation?

 

Yes,...seriously consider #1...because you talk about your wife like she is crap.

[Mr. Lucky]

It sounds to me like he is only concerned about her appearance

But what is wrong about expecting that your spouse will, within the framework of their age, try a maintain a healthy, fit body? Excessive weight gain is one of many destructive behaviors that take a toll on any relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ftballfan300]

Stop complaing and go get your wife Nutra System or Jenny Craig.Maybe go on a diet yourself to help her out. If you care about your wife then you will be quiet and help her no matter what. If she falls off the horse. Help her get back on. Stop talking to people about it.

[uniqueone]

But what is wrong about expecting that your spouse will, within the framework of their age, try a maintain a healthy, fit body?

 

You're not getting it, are you?

Excessive weight gain is one of many destructive behaviors that take a toll on any relationship...

 

Do you know what ELSE takes a toll on a relationship?

 

Lack of communication

Lack of emotional sensitivity

Selfishness

 

I see all of the above here.

[bish]

If anyone followed this guy's logic, men shouldn't get married out of fear that their future wife would be as superficial as he is.

 

I mean really....if it is all about attractiveness...then he just gave women a good excuse to divorce their husbands if they go bald.

 

I agree with unique...this marriage is over and he is just looking for permission to get out.

 

Here are a couple of scenarios I can see happening. He cheats or divorces her because he can't handle the extra pounds.

 

or she divorces him because he rags on her all the time about it, then loses weight and finds a decent man that will love her no matter what.

 

OR, and this would be fitting justice....she loses weight...looks damn good....he all of a sudden has the hots for her again...then she decides he isn't worthy of her new found attractiveness and then divorces him or steps out on him.

[Mr. Lucky]

You're not getting it, are you?

 

 

Do you know what ELSE takes a toll on a relationship?

 

Lack of communication

Lack of emotional sensitivity

Selfishness

 

I see all of the above here.

Keeping a healthy, viable marriage going long term is hard. Some people are willing to do the work, some aren't. Those that aren't willing, it's easy to find excuses. I just don't think that working backwards from the excuses to justify the behavior benefits anyone. To blame her weight gain on his "lack of emotional sensitivity" is ridiculous...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Try2BeSupportive]

Lack of communication

What exactly are you suggesting I communicate to her? I kind of got the impression you were suggesting I NOT say anything at all.

 

Lack of emotional sensitivity

So me being more sensitive to her emotions induces weight loss in her? I never heard of that diet - what is it called again?

 

Selfishness

Perhaps you call me selfish for noticing her weight gain, but you don't find her selfish for doing a 180 turn after living healthily almost into her 40s? Why the dual standard?

 

Regardless, none of the above actually caused her weight gain so please explain why your post is even relevant?

[uniqueone]

Keeping a healthy, viable marriage going long term is hard. Some people are willing to do the work, some aren't. Those that aren't willing, it's easy to find excuses. I just don't think that working backwards from the excuses to justify the behavior benefits anyone. To blame her weight gain on his "lack of emotional sensitivity" is ridiculous...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You're still not getting it, which means you never will.

 

You see the only thing that excuses are being made for is the weight.

How about excuses being made for the lack of communication, lack of sensitivity or selfishness?

 

You're not seeing that they BOTH have problems and that the problems arent't independent of each other.

 

If a cars tires are getting bad and one of them pops and you replace one of them, you're still going to have a bumpy ride....and the rest are going to end up popping too. You should have replaced all four of them.

[Mr. Lucky]

You're still not getting it, which means you never will.

Are you this dismissive with every poster or have I insulted you in some way? If so, it was not my intention...

You see the only thing that excuses are being made for is the weight.

How about excuses being made for the lack of communication, lack of sensitivity or selfishness?

No partner or spouse is going to meet all your emotional needs. So if you're looking for an excuse to gain weight (or cheat or start drinking or ???), it will always be there. Doesn't make it right.

 

Mr. Lucky

[OceanBlue]

But what is wrong about expecting that your spouse will, within the framework of their age, try a maintain a healthy, fit body? Excessive weight gain is one of many destructive behaviors that take a toll on any relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think that is a critical point that has been missed in all the responses to your post Mr. L.

 

I think that the normal expectation is that there will be some change in the body due to having children, hormonal changes, metabolic changes as we age.

 

I assume you don't expect your wife to look/weigh the same as she did at 25? I know I don't...and I already noted some of the changes I have gone through...some that are totally irreversible - no matter what I do, I will NEVER, physically, look like I did at 25, even if I lost the extra pounds I have put on since then.

 

Like everyone else, I think that the OP has bigger issues than weight gain threatening his M. The weight gain seems more of a symptom.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think that the normal expectation is that there will be some change in the body due to having children, hormonal changes, metabolic changes as we age.

 

I assume you don't expect your wife to look/weigh the same as she did at 25? I know I don't...and I already noted some of the changes I have gone through...some that are totally irreversible - no matter what I do, I will NEVER, physically, look like I did at 25, even if I lost the extra pounds I have put on since then.

I agree, OB, with much of what you say. And I put the "age" qualifier (which you put in bold) in there for a reason. No where did I see that the OP thought his wife should look like she did early on in their relationship and, in fact, he has discussed the changes that time brings to all of us. I just think that, at 19 or 91, it's disrespectful to your spouse and your marriage to let yourself go. As always, just my opinion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[uniqueone]

I agree, OB, with much of what you say. And I put the "age" qualifier (which you put in bold) in there for a reason. No where did I see that the OP thought his wife should look like she did early on in their relationship and, in fact, he has discussed the changes that time brings to all of us. I just think that, at 19 or 91, it's disrespectful to your spouse and your marriage to let yourself go. As always, just my opinion...

I disagree about the body part. Bodywise, I look the same as I did in my twenties...probably better because I have more muscle tone now. I definately look better than I did in my teens (I was very out of shape then)

I know a few others my age that have a similar history to mine. It IS possible to be thin and in shape when you're older.

 

But the body is not the point here. She's eating for a reason....and until that reason is discovered and worked on, no diet is going to fix it.

[OceanBlue]

I disagree about the body part. Bodywise, I look the same as I did in my twenties...probably better because I have more muscle tone now. I definately look better than I did in my teens (I was very out of shape then)

I know a few others my age that have a similar history to mine. It IS possible to be thin and in shape when you're older.

 

But the body is not the point here. She's eating for a reason....and until that reason is discovered and worked on, no diet is going to fix it.

 

No one is saying that you can't be thin and in shape when you are older. I guess I am relating myself to the OP's wife as we are of similar age and were similar size. To be honest, there is no one but myself that would ever suggest I was over weight. I have about 10 lbs more than I did at 25. All I am saying, is that even if I did lose that 10 lbs, I would not look the same due to skeletal changes from having kids.

 

Absolutely the eating is a reaction to something in her life. And again perhaps I am relating too much to my own life, but if he doesn't figure it out and work on it with her, then I feel their marriage is headed the same way mine went...divorce. Of course, he may well find out she's told him what is wrong...he may just not be hearing it.

 

I agree, OB, with much of what you say. And I put the "age" qualifier (which you put in bold) in there for a reason. No where did I see that the OP thought his wife should look like she did early on in their relationship and, in fact, he has discussed the changes that time brings to all of us. I just think that, at 19 or 91, it's disrespectful to your spouse and your marriage to let yourself go. As always, just my opinion...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually, at no point has he allowed for the natural effects of child bearing and ageing to impact on weight gain. I believe he did say he didn't expect her to look like she did when they first met...but continued to not allow the rest. It was posted repeatedly by one person that the weight gain at this point is really not a huge amount.

[uniqueone]

OB, do you feel better off now that you're divorced?

[Starry-eyed]

I've been following this thread with great interest since I have my own weight issues. What the op has posted about is basically my fear: that I will get into a long-term relationship and later gain weight and the guy will find me repulsive and unattractive and things will end.

 

T2BS, if you're really trying to be supportive of your wife, why don't you just talk to her? Ask her how she's feeling about life, if something is bothering her. If you have to, talk to her about her weight and/or health; just do it gently and with love. Really, nothing will change unless you guys have open communication on the issue. Maybe she's happy the way she is now, maybe she isn't. Either way will have an impact on your marriage and whether you are willing to accept her at a heavier weight or not. So, I encourage you to talk with her about it. She deserves that respect.

[magenificent]

If a person genuinely wants to support another, they do just that.

 

This would never have gone on as long as it had were it not for one fundamental part of this husband's story: WHY he wants her to lose the weight.

 

If his reasons were anything but shallow and selfish, there would be no problem. We wouldn't be on page 13.

 

If he said, "my wife is gaining weight, and I think it's because she eats high-calorie snacks at night. I WANT TO HELP HER because I DON'T THINK IT'S GOOD FOR HER. Do you have any suggestions on how I can broach the topic, and things I could say?" -- I'm sure we would all have great ideas, most of which have been buried in responses here.

 

Unfortunately, the PRIMARY concern is his ATTRACTION towards her, how "hot" he finds her. To gauge her progression, he compares her to HIM and his physique, something and someone he obviously holds in very high regard. If he is in such great shape, it's not really fair that he is asked to get turned on by his wife. Since his attraction to her is so dependent on how she looks, his love for her doesn't go quite deep enough to go beyond the surface.

 

To agree with unique, there are very obviously more issues going on in this relationship, where the husband feels justified and even indignant about wanting someone as physically superior as he. I'm sure, since he's not even been able to hide how proud he is of his own body in the few things he's written in the forum, his wife is well aware of how he sees her as compared to himself. He's just wondering how he can drive the point home in "just the right way" to "make" her change the way he wants her.

 

It sounds like I'm criticizing, and I am a little sarcastic, but since that is how he views the situation, his options are:

1. Try to coax her to lose weight (though I'm sure she sees right through it)

2. Level with her, crush her and hope she will emerge a thin, fit (alibet broken-hearted) woman

3. Get a girlfriend whose hot and probably 20 years younger. I've heard that always seems to do the trick (for a while at least)

4. Divorce her and find someone who's more fit. If you check out bodybuilding websites, there are plenty of women very aware of their weight and physique.

5. This is the Hallmark channel answer, and we know how well that reflects reality: he could take a good look at himself, perhaps even find a counselor who won't b.s. him, and come to accept the fact that he's getting OLD, his wife can't be responsible for helping maintain his delusion that they will stay young and trim forever, and then just LEARN HOW TO LOVE HIS WIFE FOR THE PERSON SHE IS, NOT THE BODY HE SEES.

[Starry-eyed]

LEARN HOW TO LOVE HIS WIFE FOR THE PERSON SHE IS, NOT THE BODY HE SEES.

 

How does he separate the person she is from the body he sees? Is a person's body part of one's "person"? To me, we are more than our bodies and our souls, our divine essences, are not our bodies or our actions, but we are, at least for the time being, dwelling in these bodies, and so they become part of who are socially.

 

It sounds like T2BS's wife knew "the rules" early on - that maintaining physical fitness and attractiveness was important to both parties, so I can understand the op's distress, and yet, if they are in love with each other I would think he would initiate talking to her about the issue. At least then he could decide whether the weight gain is a dealbreaker or not.

[Mr. Lucky]

To gauge her progression, he compares her to HIM and his physique, something and someone he obviously holds in very high regard. If he is in such great shape, it's not really fair that he is asked to get turned on by his wife.

 

I'm sure, since he's not even been able to hide how proud he is of his own body in the few things he's written in the forum, his wife is well aware of how he sees her as compared to himself.

 

I'd really like to see you quote something from this thread that indicates how the OP is "not even been able to hide how proud he is of his own body in the few things he's written in the forum". As far as I can recall, he has simply stated that he works hard to stay in shape in response to some statements that it would be hypocritical to expect that from his W if he didn't do it himself. In your eyes, is that committment to fitness and health another one of his sins ? If so, I guess I'm guilty also...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bish]

How does he separate the person she is from the body he sees? Is a person's body part of one's "person"? To me, we are more than our bodies and our souls, our divine essences, are not our bodies or our actions, but we are, at least for the time being, dwelling in these bodies, and so they become part of who are socially.

 

It sounds like T2BS's wife knew "the rules" early on - that maintaining physical fitness and attractiveness was important to both parties, so I can understand the op's distress, and yet, if they are in love with each other I would think he would initiate talking to her about the issue. At least then he could decide whether the weight gain is a deal breaker or not.

 

So much for loving thy spouse.

So much for "for better or worse"

 

Sounds alot like he is trying to justify breaking the "forsaking all others" part.

[uniqueone]

I see nothing wrong with the OP wanting a fit partner. I like having a fit partner.

 

However, I used to be an unfit person so I know both sides of the fence and I know how it feels.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting a fit person as a partner. I don't fault the OP for wanting that.

 

What I fault him for is his lack of empathy and his lack of seeing that he might be playing a part in his partners weight gain, or his lack of understanding the reasons she turns to food.

 

Posters keep talking weight loss tactics here and that's like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. "Hey look, it stopped the bleeding, it must be ok now". Hmmmm...not when there's still a bullet inside your chest!

 

Stop with these bandaid fixes. Her eating is very likely a SYMPTOM of a much deeper ill.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Thank you all who have offered such helpful advice. I have read every word and have learned some great ideas from many of you.

 

Some have formed a wrong impression of me as vain, self-absorbed, and obsessed with appearance. I am not a body builder nor a male model. I have never had (or even thought about) any kind of plastic surgery. While not sloppy, I am far from being a sharp dresser, and am overdue for a haircut.

 

But guess what? I have always been non-pretentious about outward appearance, and that is something I have in common with my wife too. We each are just instinctively casual in appearance (maybe caused by growing up in private schools).

 

One thing which I do care deeply about is sustaining a physically active lifestyle. This means regular exercise and good eating habits. Combine that with a busy home and social life, so I rarely ever watch television. Again, these are my values which my wife has always shared. Until recently.

 

If you want to quote me for bragging about my 31" waist (same as highschool) please note that I posted that in direct response to being challenged as a hypocrite (expecting her to stay thin while growing a large beergut).

 

Also if you read my posts you will see I DO NOT expect her (or want her) to look same as 25yo. I have no aversion to the effects of natural aging process - that is just life and I say bring it on. HOWEVER - gaining 20% of original body weight is NOT part of any natural aging process. It is caused by a lifestyle that I find unattractive.

 

his wife can't be responsible for helping maintain his delusion that they will stay young and trim forever, and then just LEARN HOW TO LOVE HIS WIFE FOR THE PERSON SHE IS, NOT THE BODY HE SEES.

 

The flaw in your thinking is that young and trim are independent concepts. Young is not sustainable - but I embrace my own age and hers so that is not an issue. Trim is a choice - and I made the decision decades ago that my body is important and I will take care of myself at all ages. Those are my values, and you will not convince me otherwise.

 

Now it seems my wife has changed her values, and this affects me. Do I sit quietly and pretend it is not happening? Sorry I tried that and it only made me miserable. I have no choice but to talk about this directly with her. The thing I have struggled with is just what to say?

 

She already knows she has gained alot of weight.

She already knows that eating junk and little exercise cause her weight gain.

She already knows that 25 - 30 pounds on her is not really a serious "health issue" - so I cannot claim it is all about her health.

About the only thing that could be viewed as new information is the effect this has on me. So I am looking for ways to present this in a non-hurtful way.

[OceanBlue]

OB, do you feel better off now that you're divorced?

 

I feel much better off now...in probably too many ways to name them all.

[OceanBlue]

 

Now it seems my wife has changed her values, and this affects me. Do I sit quietly and pretend it is not happening? Sorry I tried that and it only made me miserable. I have no choice but to talk about this directly with her. The thing I have struggled with is just what to say?

 

She already knows she has gained alot of weight.

She already knows that eating junk and little exercise cause her weight gain.

She already knows that 25 - 30 pounds on her is not really a serious "health issue" - so I cannot claim it is all about her health.

About the only thing that could be viewed as new information is the effect this has on me. So I am looking for ways to present this in a non-hurtful way.

 

I don't think her values have changed. One of the main symptoms of depression is a total loss of caring about yourself.

 

I don't think anything you can say that deals with your lack of attraction for her sexually, due to her appearance, can be said in a non-hurtful way.

 

Seems to me you will have no choice but to throw out an ultimatum - "lose the weight or lose me."

 

She might comply initially but the emotional scars that will be left, will probably be the cause of the end of your M some day down the road. She will resent that forever and will never forget that you said it.