Does the woman often have cold feet?

[heatherd1201]

Is it normal for women to have cold feet? I know that as you get closer to the date it is normal to get nervous, but isn’t it usually the men who get cold feet??

 

First let me start out by saying that we are young. Not too young. We will both be 24 by the end of the year. The wedding is in April. We’ve both had serious relationships before ours, and we’ve made it a point to learn from those in order to improve ours. And he is amazing. He listens to me, he supports me, he loves me, I am his number one priority. And he is mine.

But lately I’ve been getting cold feet. Not because of him, or thinking that I might not want to marry this man, but because I am afraid that I might not be enough for him. I am afraid that I won’t be able to keep him happy for the rest of our lives. I know that if someone said that to me my response would be “He wouldn’t have asked you to marry him if HE didn’t think you were enough” but that is easier said than felt.

 

We lived together for a year before we got engaged. It was important to us to know that we could handle living together before we took things further as we both have very strong personalities! We are both stubborn and intelligent and sometimes that causes for an argument of “I’m right, you’re wrong, let’s see who gives in first”. Fortunately it usually ends with both of us so frustrated that we can’t “out-wit” the other that it ends in laughter. We really do have an amazing relationship. We have love and passion and trust. It’s the faith that I lack. Like I said, I have complete faith in him, I just don’t have it for myself.

Can anybody offer me any advice on how to deal with this emotion. It is a new one for me. I have always had faith in myself and in knowing that I can handle any situation that comes my way with a level head. This one is just getting me! I want to try to avoid speaking to him about it because I don’t want him to think that I am questioning the marriage because of him. As a guy, I know that he will feel that way.

Thanks everyone!!

[fluffy0]

You shouldn't keep your feelings pent up inside. Talk to your fiance about it. Just explain to him that you still love him and you want to marry, but you are having a hard time emotionally and need some reassurance. If you don't talk about it, it'll just get worse.

[heatherd1201]

I know that i should tell him. He knows of everything that is going on (lot of drama with my family, my best friend is moving away, my mother and her sister are in the middle of the biggest family feud Ive ever seen) So he knows that Ive been under a lot lately. I just dont know how to tell him that I am afraid I wont be enough for him. He will most likely say that he knows I am enough for me and that he loves me, but that doesnt change the insecurity that i feel. you know?

[Crestfallen_KH]

Have you considered pre-marital counseling? It could only help. I wished we had done it.

[milvushina]

Of course it is normal. Everyone gets nervous about such a big decision. Why would it make a difference if you are a woman?

 

Just talk about it, I'm sure he won't get mad because he'll understand, he's got to be nervous too. Mine was really paranoid around the wedding, thinking he would be a bad husband. You can reassure each other.

 

Premarital counseling is a good idea too because they are trained to help you cope with all the things that come up at this time, the more informed and empowered you feel the less the stress will affect you.

[sunshinegirl]

I am afraid I wont be enough for him.

 

Could you elaborate on this? In what ways do you fear you won't be "enough"?

 

Right now you're expressing it as a really vague "somewhere out there, someday" kind of fear, which might be allowing it to loom really large in your imagination.

 

So could you try to spell out what you fear this will look like?

 

Doing that might help you get a handle on it.

[ashelygirl]

Everyone gets cold feet. I got cold feet when I was engaged. I agree with everyone here that you should talk to your fiancé about how you feel and maybe seek out a couple’s therapist. It really does help.

[Krytie TV]

I had cold legs before my marriage. However, I kept my feelings and fears to myself and ended up making a big mistake by going through with it. Part of it was a lack of self-confidence to be able to move on from breaking off an engagement.

 

Not that yours is doomed, but don't ignore your feelings.

[whichwayisup]

We are both stubborn and intelligent and sometimes that causes for an argument of “I’m right, you’re wrong, let’s see who gives in first”.

 

Sure, this is cute'n'funny now and you two can laugh it off - But the main problem I see is, someone HAS to be right and someone HAS to be wrong. Later on when life gets tough, throw some kids into the mix, daily stresses and work, money, family crap - etc, the who's right/wrong thing won't seem so funny. Pre marital counselling can help you two learn to communicate and really listen to eachother.

[heatherd1201]

Perhaps you all misunderstood what it was I was saying.

First off, I do not believe we need pre-marital counseling. I have been to counseling by myself for separate issues long ago, and therapy is not for me. I dont feel the need for someone else to explain my feelings to me when I understand them myself.

In our relationship it is not always that someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. There is a lot of compromise in our relationship. There is never a who's right and who's wrong fight when it comes to serious issues. Money, the house, work, etc. We sit down and discuss issues that come up with those things much differently than our right/wrong "discussions" if you will. He and I have only had one serious fight in our entire relationship and that was shortly after we moved in together. We have a very open and honest relationship.

"I am afraid that I wont be enough for him.".....ok, what I mean by this is that I am afraid that I wont be able to make him happy for the next 50-60 years of our lives. I am a very simple person. I dont party, I'm not wild. Neither is he, but what I'm saying is that I can pretty much tell what most of our lives are going to be like. Granted things will change when we have children. I am just not that exciting of a person. Sometimes I fear that when he hits, lets say...45, I wont be enough for him and he'll want something new and exciting. I know that Im thinking of a problem thats still 20 years away, but thats what I do. I am a natural worrier. My house has been "hurricane ready" since the start of hurricane season this year. Im just a little strange like that...

I know that I am coming off sounding a little defensive, but I do feel the need to defend myself and my future marriage here. Dont take it personally. I am just thekind of person that will fight till the death for what I hold dear to me, and my fiance and our life together is one of those things.

[tanbark813]

Sometimes I fear that when he hits, lets say...45, I wont be enough for him and he'll want something new and exciting. I know that Im thinking of a problem thats still 20 years away, but thats what I do.

 

And? You could also die in a car accident on the way to work tomorrow. There's no point in worrying about something you can't possibly know one way or another beforehand.

[heatherd1201]

I know that I could die in a car accident on the way to work tomorrow! Its just my personality. I worry about everything!!!! Not to the point where I dont do sanything exciting. Ive gone mountain climbing, and white water rafting, I do fun things, I just worry too. Its a little bizare I know, but I am literally such a "worry wart". My kids gonna hate me. I know it! My friends and family and fiance accept it, but they all think Im crazy!

I think that a lot of it stems from the fact that I am totally accident prone and the most bizare things happen to me. Seriously, if you think "what are the odds of that happening....." chances are it has, or soon will happen to me.

So I worry about the stupidest things that logically I know wont happen, but because of the way that my life usually runs, I always think theres a chance. I took a cruise, I spent the whole first day afraid that the damn boat was going to sink. I see a fire truck going down the road heading in the general direction of where I live and I freak out that my house is on fire. ( not because of material things, but because my dog and 3 cats who are like my children are in that house)

Like I said, I dont let it keep me from doing things, I'll just flip out about it for a little while.

I know that Im going to Haiti and taking a huge 500 ft. zip cord down a mountain thats obviously up real high, and I'll flip out the whole time that Im going up the mountain but I wont let it keep me from the absolute coolest feeling of that adventure. Understand?

This is why I worry about things that might or might not happen 20 years down the line.

[karenina21]

It sounds like you have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I know, because I have it myself, and worry myself the way you describe. I take Paxil for this. It's available at Wal-Mart in generic form for $4 with or without insurance. I hope you might look into it. Not that it's a "magic" pill that will solve all your fears but it will make the chemicals in your brain more balanced. Research shows unbalanced chemicals in the brain can contribute to anxiety and depression.

 

I'm also getting married, next year. I think what you're experiencing is completely normal. I have issues with my future MIL that drive me up the wall. But, again, I agree with the others. Talk to your fiance. Make a light joking conversation about it but discuss your true feelings. You can't predict the future--you know that. So, it comes down to trust, respect, and love. Do you have all of that for your fiance? If so, you will work out fine.

 

I'm getting married in a church to please his family since I don't believe in the church, for many reasons. So I was anxious during a pre-marital counseling session as to what the pastor would say. But what the pastor marrying us told my fiance and me was, "You will hit rough spots. You will get stuck." He's right. But, he went on, faith in YOURSELVES is what will pull you out of it. There's no "ideal" time to get married. There's no "ideal" time to have kids. What works for one couple won't for another. You just plunge in and do it one day. And what happens, happens.

 

Best of luck.

[heatherd1201]

Thanks for the advice on medication. You are right, I do have GAD ( that stemed from my depression) and was diagnosed with it several years ago...I was put on Paxil at that time, and after only 2 days realized that I was very very allergic to it. Then they put me on Zoloft and I had the same reaction. The DR determined that i was allergic to the common ingredient and could no longer take ANY form of depression/anxiety medication. So I have had to battle depression and anxiety on my own for several years. Im a lot better than I used to be, but still have quite low self esteem. My low self worth stems from childhood problems. I know that everybodys childhood was screwed up in some way or another but mine was really really bad....

[Blue Eyed Brain]

I haven't met a woman that can't handle her man. So, don't be afraid of anything. Love him for who he is and you can't go wrong.

[heatherd1201]

I haven't met a woman that can't handle her man. So, don't be afraid of anything. Love him for who he is and you can't go wrong.

 

Thanks! I do love him for who he is. And I love him more more loving me for me. As i said earlier, I come with a bad past..and my past has a tendancy to shine through. And although it was bad, and some aspects of my personality are not so great because of it, it has also made my heart bigger, more accepting and nuturing. I take many many things to heart, and sometimes it seems a little overboard, but those who know me and know what I have been through think its beautiful and that helps. My fiance has told me that he loves "that" part of me the best.

[karenina21]

Thanks for the advice on medication. You are right, I do have GAD ( that stemed from my depression) and was diagnosed with it several years ago...I was put on Paxil at that time, and after only 2 days realized that I was very very allergic to it. Then they put me on Zoloft and I had the same reaction. The DR determined that i was allergic to the common ingredient and could no longer take ANY form of depression/anxiety medication. So I have had to battle depression and anxiety on my own for several years. Im a lot better than I used to be, but still have quite low self esteem. My low self worth stems from childhood problems. I know that everybodys childhood was screwed up in some way or another but mine was really really bad....

 

Heatherd1201, there are several categories of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds that do NOT all have the same common ingredient. Paxil and Zoloft are but two, older, drugs to try. I'd strongly encourage you to go to another doctor and get another opinion. It takes lots of trial and patience--two things we people with GAD lack--but when you find the right fit, miracles can happen in terms of how we feel.

 

I'm not going to pry into your childhood or what happened, but again, if you and your FH love each other, and trust each other, you will both be happy. Honey, the ring's on your finger, not another girl's--he did that for a reason.

 

IM me anytime if you want.

 

Karenina21

[heatherd1201]

I dont have IM, but would like to talk if you can, do you have email?

Thanks for what you said. I know that I have him and Im not going to lose him. I just freak out sometimes......