EX is single again.. called me..

[Newtotheblogthing]

My ex bf of 3 yrs. texted yesterday that he is single again!! I guess he broke up with his neighbor. I couldn't actually believe it was going to last but had resigned myself recently to the fact he was with someon else.. Now I am completely confused... I don't know what I should be doing. Even after all of drama, games etc.. i would like to "see what happens" but I find that I am less than calm about the situation. i don't want to start freaking out and think that we are magically going to get back together. Here's the original post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129580/

 

I have to admit I am terrified. I do not want to fall back into this routine with him and have him keep me "on a string" as many people have mentioned.

 

We saw each other briefly last night and I told him I do no want to be his back up plan or little whore he thinks he can call whenever he wants.( Even though I seem to have already made myself into that!) He stated that I was not.. I just don't know how to proceed. I have already started asking about what's going to happen with us and he has stated that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now but he is sending me mixed signals. He said let's just see what happens. One minute he is calling and talking as if we never broke up but when I pushed for a little clarification, that was the response I got.

 

I just feel as if I need to give it a shot and it will either work out or maybe it will give me what I need once and for all to move on.

 

BUT I don't know how to proceed.. I am thinking of just leaving it alone. If he wants to see me this weekend he can call and ask.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Thank you for taking the time to read this!

[devastatedagain]

If he calls and wants to do something, I would give him a shot. It doesn't sound like you have much to lose by doing so. You can see how things go and let your heart and feelings go from there. If it goes well, then maybe set up another date. If it goes horribly, then maybe it will give you some closure. In any sense, just be cautious and take it slow. Sometimes people make bad decisions and realize the err of their ways after some time has passed. I am not saying that this is the case.....maybe he is just an ass and is looking for something to do, but I guess you won't know unless you give it a shot, right?

[Just Visiting]

If this guy was truly interested, he would have done anything to be with you. Rather, he wants to keep you on a string and use you whenever it is convenient. As tempting as it may be, do not allow this guy access to you. He had the chance before and it didn't work out. Why go through more heartache?

[Lyssa]

I don't know... getting back together with an ex is just not a good idea... I could be wrong....

[niceguy27]

If you plan on doing anything TAKE IT SLOW. Spread out any contact with him over a period of a couple weeks. Play hard to get to a certain extent. You have had plenty of time to contemplate what you would like to do since youve been apart to make a decision. Just take it slow and try try try not to jump right into talking about your past r/s with him.

[CaliGuy]

My advice is to not get involved with him. If he really wants you, if he really loves you, he would do ANYTHING to be with you.

 

Sounds like you're his back up plan until he finds someone else.

[niceguy27]

Yeah. Its his turn now to try to win you back.

[Newtotheblogthing]

I don't know if we are there yet.. does that make sense. I want to be in his life and I feel like the door is opening now.. but I think we need a little time to get acclimated.. does that make sense?

 

But he should want this, I can't make it happen.. Or can I? Sometimes I feel like he needs help but the reality is that like you said, if he wanted it.. HE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

 

Thank you.

[Spinderella]

Perhaps you are right and you need to get acclimatised. Dont talk about the relationship, in fact, maybe dont even have a relationshp, but start gently with a friendship. The trouble with second chances, is that its usually a leap back in, trying to begin in the middle of the relationship again. Just start getting to know one another again, dont even talk about the past or yourselves as a couple. If you have to say anything, say I would like for us to spend some time together, that is all. Theres probably alot of trust to be rebuilt.

[Newtotheblogthing]

I am just trying to mainain some amount of self respect and dignity and it's actually difficult. I want to call or text but instead I am just going to go about my business.. I find myself wanting declarations and set plans and attention.. It's almost like I imagine we are just going to pick up where we left off and I don't want THAT either. I have to change my mindset. The fastest way to repel him is by being overbearing and needy.Thanks. And it's crazy because some moments I can see clearly and then I panic.. he's just a man.. my life is going to end if he doesn't call!!

 

Also, it's not just about HIM. I have keep telling myself I deserve someone GREAT!

[CaliGuy]

I am just trying to mainain some amount of self respect and dignity and it's actually difficult.

 

Think of it this way: "If you want people to LOVE and RESPECT you, you have to love and respect YOURSELF FIRST."

 

I want to call or text but instead I am just going to go about my business.. I find myself wanting declarations and set plans and attention.. It's almost like I imagine we are just going to pick up where we left off and I don't want THAT either.

 

You will if you show any needy/clingy behavior and he will not respect you if you just take him back right away, sight unseen.

 

I have to change my mindset.

 

We all do. From thoughts of "I need this person" to "I love and respect myself enough that if they walk away from me, it's their loss because I did not give up on them -- they gave up on me."

 

The fastest way to repel him is by being overbearing and needy.

 

This is true of every relationship. People by nature are attracted to strong, confident, self-assured people. Not clingy/needy people.

 

Thanks. And it's crazy because some moments I can see clearly and then I panic.. he's just a man.. my life is going to end if he doesn't call!!

 

Also, it's not just about HIM. I have keep telling myself I deserve someone GREAT!

 

The more your confidence builds up, the more you'll be able to see this guy clearly for what he is....not good for you.

 

And you DO deserve someone great. But until you believe that completely and respect yourself and build your self-confidence up, it won't happen. Careful investment into yourself will reap far more rewards over the long haul than full on investment in someone who isn't even sure they want to be with you.

[devastatedagain]

Caliguy - you give excellent advice......u are right on the money with this one! If you get a chance, could you read my post.....i would appreciate your perspective....

[Newtotheblogthing]

Sad but true. I just have to willing to act on his advice. That's the dilemma for all of us isn't it? We read these posts, we appreciate them but ultimately it tends to be more difficult to follow the advice... struggling with that.

[devastatedagain]

Hi New,

 

You are so right...it is amazing how much the concept of love can cloud cognition...isnt it? My brain tells me that this girl is bad news all around, but my heart tells me otherwise...sucks, ya know?

[Newtotheblogthing]

Yes! It sucks. And everytime I read Caliguys posts I know it's in my best interest to really try to absorb it. I read it to myself and say, Yes!! I can do this! Then I get lost in what the bad part of my brain wants me to believe and my resolves falls apart. No logic.. but it get's better everyday and I am trying hard not to beat myself up over it. It will happen..

[oppath]

I disagree with others. Newtothisblogthing...YOU DUMPED HIM. Yes, he slept with you a couple times. He tried to move on with someone else before he was ready. But YOU DUMPED HIM.

 

This is why I disagree with HIM having to earn YOU back. Can you blame him for not trusting you? Can you blame him for feeling confused? Or for sending mixed signals? I'm not saying sleeping with you was right (to you or towards the girl he dated), but you broke up with him.

 

He has every right to say "we'll see what happens." If you go crying to him and say "I made a mistake. I'd like us to date again" him saying "we'll hang out and see what happens" is fine. He can't take you back with open arms because you broke his trust.

 

In this situation, if YOU want HIM, you need to put in some work and patiently earn his trust back. He is not absolved from bad behavior either. I'm not suggesting that he is. But let's get it clear: you broke up with him. He was likely very hurt. He doesn't fully trust you. What's to stop you from tossing his heart on the ground again? I don't fault him for being hesistant to get close to you. This does not fully absolve him, but the way I see it, you do have to be patient and persistent with him. It wouldn't be realistic to expect him to run back to you after you hurt him.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Oppath. Thank you for that. I feel like a horrible person who seems to forget sometimes what MY part in this was.. Often it gets completely clouded. I think we BOTH have done some things that require rebuilding trust.

 

I hope for a start fresh, to at least try to rebuild and you are right.. I did hurt him and if I think that he is completely over that, I am wrong. He is acting out, doing what he knows how to in order to keep his life in balance. I can't fault him for that. I will do my best not to fall into the trap however, of letting him walk all over me just because of it.

 

All of these posts have helped. I really think it's a combination of them all but when I read yours oppath i realized I focused on what I want.. I feel like I am in a power struggle right now. I also feel like I can play the who hurt who worse game forever but I don't want to.. I would like to try to handle this in a manner that shows him I do love and respect him as a person (as well as myself)and I would also hope that he can do the same for me.

[CaliGuy]

Yes! It sucks. And everytime I read Caliguys posts I know it's in my best interest to really try to absorb it. I read it to myself and say, Yes!! I can do this! Then I get lost in what the bad part of my brain wants me to believe and my resolves falls apart. No logic.. but it get's better everyday and I am trying hard not to beat myself up over it. It will happen..

 

Because your emotions are overriding what your brain (which is right) is telling you is wrong. Him.

 

Once your confidence is at full strength you'll be able to walk away from men like him without a second thought.

[Oregon Blackberry]

I would back off and not contact him again. It really doesn't matter the reasons for the breakup 3 years ago, that is all the past. The reason I say back off and don't contact him is because he told you straight out that he is not looking for a relationship with you. When a guy says that, he means it. It won't happen, he has been honest and point blank with you....he doesn't want a relationship with you. Take those words at face value and move on with your life without him in it.

[oppath]

I also feel like I can play the who hurt who worse game forever but I don't want to.. I would like to try to handle this in a manner that shows him I do love and respect him as a person (as well as myself)and I would also hope that he can do the same for me.

 

I think you nailed it. This is the game you have been playing. You do need to accept your part in all this. He is not over the pain you inflicted when you broke up with him. This does not mean he should treat you poorly, but it does mean that you have a lot of work too. He doesn't need to cross through hell and high water to earn you back. You need to toss him some water-wings and urge him to wade in, and you need to swim towards him if he does. This doesn't mean to let him use you or that it is all your fault.

 

I would back off and not contact him again. It really doesn't matter the reasons for the breakup 3 years ago, that is all the past. The reason I say back off and don't contact him is because he told you straight out that he is not looking for a relationship with you. When a guy says that, he means it. It won't happen, he has been honest and point blank with you....he doesn't want a relationship with you. Take those words at face value and move on with your life without him in it.

 

Agreed.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Thank you.. but I will be honest and call me delusional but I don't belive what he says right now. For clarification we were together 3 years and have been broken up for less than 6 months. (Oregon Blackberry)

 

Now with that said, I will TRY to believe what he is telling me. He says I don't want a relationship but then in the next breath it's we'll see what happens.. so I don't know if he knows whether he means it or not. I am going to play it by ear. It might be the case and then I will know that this is definately over.

[Oregon Blackberry]

OK, honestly, since it's only been 6 months, and you cheated on him before, it probably won't work. I had a guy cheat on me in college and then we broke up. He wanted me back 3 months later (after he learned I had been dating) and I thought about it and hung out with him and went out with him a few times. However, because he had cheated on me before, something in me had died and even though I was devastated during the breakup, those few months had helped me have a cold heart toward him because he wasn't the guy I fell in love with once he cheated on me and that never left, no matter how much he begged forgiveness.

I think you should really learn from your mistake and realize the next time you find a good guy, don't treat him like that if you want to keep him.

[Pentula77]

My advice is to not get involved with him. If he really wants you, if he really loves you, he would do ANYTHING to be with you.

 

Sounds like you're his back up plan until he finds someone else.

 

yes, tell him you just want a platonic friendship...and see how much effort he makes

[Lizzie60]

My ex bf of 3 yrs. texted yesterday that he is single again!! I guess he broke up with his neighbor. I couldn't actually believe it was going to last but had resigned myself recently to the fact he was with someon else.. Now I am completely confused... I don't know what I should be doing. Even after all of drama, games etc.. i would like to "see what happens" but I find that I am less than calm about the situation. i don't want to start freaking out and think that we are magically going to get back together. Here's the original post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129580/

 

I have to admit I am terrified. I do not want to fall back into this routine with him and have him keep me "on a string" as many people have mentioned.

 

We saw each other briefly last night and I told him I do no want to be his back up plan or little whore he thinks he can call whenever he wants.( Even though I seem to have already made myself into that!) He stated that I was not.. I just don't know how to proceed. I have already started asking about what's going to happen with us and he has stated that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now but he is sending me mixed signals. He said let's just see what happens. One minute he is calling and talking as if we never broke up but when I pushed for a little clarification, that was the response I got.

 

I just feel as if I need to give it a shot and it will either work out or maybe it will give me what I need once and for all to move on.

 

BUT I don't know how to proceed.. I am thinking of just leaving it alone. If he wants to see me this weekend he can call and ask.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Thank you for taking the time to read this!

 

From what I read... I think that you're trying to be the independant one but in reality you're not... you're the 'insecure' who is getting his mixed signals and reading too much into them...

 

From what I read... he's keeping you as his back up plan because he's single right now.. and he needs company...

 

If I were you, I would move on... EX-it!!!!

[Oregon Blackberry]

Yes, I think there's too much water under the bridge for this guy. I really do think that when you 'disappeared' for those three months last spring, his heart grew cold to you. When you are treated like that, he starts to thinking...well, she must not really love me that much if she can just disappear out of my life like that. He may have been devastated at first, but deep down inside, it seems as if the true love is gone and he is beyond the point of wanting to reunite with you romantically. He might hang out with you or even sleep with you, but I would avoid that because he just has told you he's not looking for anything, I'm sorry, it hurts, but you learn and move on.

He has, and whether it has to do with this last girlfriend (his neighbor), or he has done some soulsearching and wants something different in a relationship, he has stopped wanting the same committed relationship he had with you and honestly once someone feels that way, it in all likelihood will never come back. That feeling of deep love and commitment to you, I mean.

I want to add that I am not condemning you because of how you broke up with him last Spring, that could have been a sign that deep down you don't feel "it" for him and he is not your ultimate life partner. Right now it is probably that you are feeling regrets and you are feeling that since you can't have him, he is the best thing on earth right now so that makes you want him even more. I think that time apart will help you heal from this! And as I said, evaluate how to problem solve next time in the relationship. Apparently there was something missing for you in the relationship or you wouldn't have "disappeared" like that for 3 months. Next time, instead of disappearing, communicate with him. Maybe you could have worked through your relationship problems and doubts instead of disappearing and blowing it all with him.