Heart getting in way of head

[PeachKin]

Hi - I'm a fairly young person (early 20s), educated (completed some grad work, I instruct at the college level), and somewhat independent (I left home at 15). I have been involved with a range of people, both genders, some my age, some as old as 15 years older than me. I have made a lot of mistakes, avoided brushes with the law, and have a nice family. I mention this to indicate that the dilemma I have cannot be attributed to naivete, moronity, traumatic childhood, or lack of intelligence.

The past year I have been involved with someone who I call a life partner - someone who is financially stable, presentable to the family, and matches my lifestyle and quirks 80% of the time. We clash a lot on morals and treatment of people (I claim that we should uphold the golden rule, he feels that he should be selfish and watch out for numero uno) and have had a lot of fights. We also had a 6 month period where we were trying to deal with his online infidelity (i.e. he'd look for girls online to hit on via IM, call them pet names, talk about sex with them, etc.). Both of us have in the past had histories of infidelity, but until that point, I had been extremely faithful. We also were clashing over his desire to enter the swinging lifestyle together and his narrowmindedness towards trying new things in life. Currently, we are both stressed out from trying to maintain careers and educations, with the result that he is falling into a video game addiction and I am currently restless. He is trying to become the person he aspires to be, but has a mental block due to fear of failure and the work involved.

Recently, someone I knew before my life partner, publicly announced his feelings for me. We both agree that we don't want me to cheat on my bf and that we're not quite wanting to be bf and gf, but there is an undeniable chemistry. Our conversations are intellectually stimulating and we're both very physical in that we give a lot of hugs to people and such (we're both part of the kind of crowd where everyone hugs, cuddles, and kisses each other platonically, regardless of gender). Unfortunately, there was an unmistakable tension and longing in the air last time I saw him and though we were able to keep it to just long hugs and no cuddling, inappropriate touching, hand-holding etc., we could sense we both wanted something more emotional from each other. I am afraid to get too close since I know he has me on a pedestal and that I am no more stable than any of his past girlfriends. Thankfully, he does not impose himself upon me, but his considerate behaviors only make my partner seem brutish in comparison.

Thus, I find myself in a sticky position. Having been a cheater in the past, I don't want to go down that route. Having to have dealt with my partner's infidelity and feeling like we clash over basic etiquette, I am really tired and no longer able to fully stick to my morals. I have talked about this with my partner, but he still does not see any reason for him to take action. I am also sad of being the position of having so few positive things to say about my partner that my friends and co-workers tell me to leave him. Really, all in all, I just want to put all this drama aside and focus on my life goals while having a close person who I trust and love and enjoy spending time with.

 

Any thoughts?

[Tripper]

Really, all in all, I just want to put all this drama aside and focus on my life goals while having a close person who I trust and love and enjoy spending time with.

 

I think you may have answered your own question. It seems that you are not happy with your current partner and while you have grown as a person, he hasn't. Sooooo... the question is why stay with him and be miserable.. find someone more aligned with your morals and lifes values.

[Cobra_X30]

I do have some thoughts.

 

Personally, I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone that selfish. I wouldnt stick around just because I was afraid of bieng on my own either.

 

Also, it seems inconsistent to be upset with someone for an online affair, while currently bieng involved in an emotional affair. Not saying its wrong... I'd probably do the same, but you have to admit it does seem a little hypocritical.

 

Anyway, I hope my thoughts help!

[Lyssa]

You should really love yourself first before you love someone else. Maybe your bf doesn't love himself so much to want to be with you and only you? How does 'swinging lifestyle' help a R? Arrgghh.. I don't get that and also FWB.

 

I'd leave and get to know myself before I get involve in another R... but that's just me.

[PeachKin]

I wanted to thank someone for pointing out the potential hypocrisy - I think that's where I'm most conflicted as I don't want to be a hypocrit, but am slowly feeling my resolve dissolving.

I suppose the answer lies in myself no matter what I wish - truth be told, I'm trying to figure out whether what I'm feeling with the other person is just a flash in the pan and whether what my partner and I are going through is just a bad patch. It is unfortunate though that they happened to coincide.

I'm also very tired of being the one to end my relationships - seems like I grow out of them every 1-2 years, which makes me despair about finding a person who will keep growing with me.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm also very tired of being the one to end my relationships - seems like I grow out of them every 1-2 years, which makes me despair about finding a person who will keep growing with me.

 

Tell me about it! I dump girls on like a 6 month cycle! So I suppose you could have it worse.

 

Anyway, I think you may have to revamp your selection process. This guy seems like a D-Bag. It's the unhappiness in your relationship which is most likely causing your feelings for the other guy. Thats why it seems like an unhappy coincindence. It isnt. It's similar to a rebound relationship.

 

You should really pay attention to what Lyssa said! She made a really fabulous point.

[PeachKin]

For anyone who was following this thread...I allowed myself to get intimate with the other guy (I won't disclose how much - suffice it to say, it was more of an emotional thing) and I told my partner. What was interesting, but not surprising, is that my partner responded by saying that he had actually been having a hard time suppressing his desire to go sleep with other girls, but his nightmares about losing me had scared him.

At this point, I know that I just really want to be good friend to the other guy and because I express myself best through physical gesture, it would involve a certain level of physicality...not so much FWB as much as very comfortable hugging and cuddling each other (why else do we hug our stuffed animals and pets as much as we do? admit it - it makes us feel better :-) ). But as for my partner - as much as I do feel a kind of love for him, despite the good times, all the bad things keep pushing me down, like when he blamed all the arguments on me, etc. He's proposing that we move into an open relationship (we don't live together, thank god!) but we are both somewhat jealous people, so I don't foresee that happening. I've caught myself falling into the trap of trying to change little things about him and it brings me guilt to try to change his attitude towards infidelity (he's strict about it with his partners, lax about it with himself - and I guess I must be the same), restrict his addiction to video games, or try to get him to be more considerate of others.

What makes this all so complex, but perhaps pivotal, is that my partner and I don't know how to be friends. Yes, we like to hang out with each other and have similar hobbies, but unlike past boyfriends, I had never been friends with him first and based on how he treats his friends, I'm not sure I want that kind of treatment either.

I guess we can't help the kind of people we fall for, but at the same time, I wish I was like the kind of person who was like "Not working - Next!". I feel like the age that I am at is too soon to feel jaded about relationships and what I need or can't provide in one.