Your - straight up!

[Chibaby]

OK,

Tell me either way if how I feel is justified, and how I should handle this situation tactfully without sounding materialistic or petty. I am just really hurt by this.

 

The Situation: I just got married a few weeks ago in Hawaii, where my family is from. One of my bridesmaids/best friends is out of state, and flew in. I could not pay for her flight/accomadations mind you-nor anyone elses, but I wanted to help out, and paid for her bridesmaid dress (which is not the norm), and got her a nice bridesmaid gift. She asked if she could invite her new bf of 2 months who I have never met (mind you the RSVP's were already in at this point and it was a smaller wedding of 70 ppl) of course I said yes, even though it was another plate at the wedding AND rehersal dinner, which was NOT cheap. So here are my issues:

 

1. She flew 4 days before the wedding, did not call me until the day of the rehersal dinner. All of us girls had made plans to take a bachelorette boating trip, and she was a no show. I could not get a hold of her even after calling her hotel and cell phone. Her excuse was that she sent me an "email" to let me know she couldn't make it because she didn't want to leave her new boyfriend alone for the afternoon. She never asked if we needed help in preperations for the wedding.

 

2. She was supposed to meet us out after the boat ride, but called and said her boyfriend was sleeping so she didn't want to come. After a guilt trip I laid on she finally showed up- first time I'd seen her. Ended up stiffing on the bill so that someone had to actually tell her "look, you need to pay your fair share."

 

3. Told me "sorry I can't afford to get you a wedding gift, your gift is me being in the wedding" - Fine, Hawaii is expensive- yet we pay for her boyfriend as another guest and buy her bridesmaid dress for her.... Hmmm....also, her and her BF took a $250 catamaran out in the ocean, and stayed in Hawaii for TWO WEEKS and she can't afford to get me a simple wedding gift, or even a CARD with some KIND WORDS????! Am I just being petty or is it rude to hope for a bridesmaid to maybe get a nice card or inexpensive gift?

 

4. At the rehersal dinner, loudly tells everyone she knows the grooms ex girlfriend ...please, there is a time and place, it did not seem appropriate to me.

 

5. While getting ready for the wedding in our honeymoon suite at the Four Seasons, she proceeds to wear our hotel bathrobe without permission because she doesn't want to get makeup on her clothes. Eats all the cookies that the Resort left for us, drinks the champagne that was meant for my husband and myself. And puts on my husbands wedding ring without permission, and nearly busts my bra after poking at it.

 

6. At the wedding, asked other guests why they weren't invited to the rehersal dinner when she was, proceeds to swear at another bridesmaid. Was so drunk that she was slurring her words, and swearing so that people did not want her to make her speech, which she had written only that day.

 

7. The next day we all went out to dinner for my birthday. Her and her BF stiff the bill again- someone has to tell them to pay their fair share.

 

8. Also, at my birthday dinner, day one of our honeymoon, day after the wedding, she asks if we can drive her and her boyfriend to the airport at 6 AM because they don't want to pay for a cab. It would be a 2 hour trip EACH WAY from where we were staying.

 

SO tell me your opinion straight up. Should I let it go? It really hurt my feelings that it was my one special day and she treated me this way. I would never do that to her, I feel as if she has no manners. I am mad, but don't know if it is justified. I don't typically demand the center of attention, but as a bride I feel like it's my special time, and she wasn't really acknowledging that or putting any effort into making it special. What do you think?

[Kasan]

Yes, you should let it go--because I suspect she isn't going to be a friend of yours (by your choice) much longer.

 

I can't believe that you are going to allow one person's behavior to ruin what I am sure was a wonderful day. Were you that surprised about her actions--sounds like she is pretty self-absorbed.

 

You would be surprised at what people remember about a wedding--you will look back at what she did and laugh about your "psycho girlfriend."

 

Enjoy your happiness with your husband! All the rest is just "stuff".

[sunshinegirl]

In general it does seem like your friend was pretty selfish. Did she ever thank you for the dress or for letting you bring her boyfriend?

 

That being said let me play devil's advocate on a few of the points you raised.

 

1. She flew 4 days before the wedding, did not call me until the day of the rehersal dinner. All of us girls had made plans to take a bachelorette boating trip, and she was a no show. I could not get a hold of her even after calling her hotel and cell phone. Her excuse was that she sent me an "email" to let me know she couldn't make it because she didn't want to leave her new boyfriend alone for the afternoon. She never asked if we needed help in preperations for the wedding.

 

Was she aware of what you expected of her as a bridesmaid? Maybe she was clueless that she *should* have helped with things other than to show up and support you at the rehearsal and in the ceremony. If you expected things that you never explicitly verbalized, I'm not sure you can blame her entirely for failing you here.

 

3. Told me "sorry I can't afford to get you a wedding gift, your gift is me being in the wedding" - Fine, Hawaii is expensive- yet we pay for her boyfriend as another guest and buy her bridesmaid dress for her.... Hmmm....also, her and her BF took a $250 catamaran out in the ocean, and stayed in Hawaii for TWO WEEKS and she can't afford to get me a simple wedding gift, or even a CARD with some KIND WORDS????! Am I just being petty or is it rude to hope for a bridesmaid to maybe get a nice card or inexpensive gift?

 

Gifts at weddings are NEVER mandatory. EVER. And it is really none of your business how she chooses to spend her money. For all you know, her boyfriend could have paid for the catamaran ride.

 

5. While getting ready for the wedding in our honeymoon suite at the Four Seasons, she proceeds to wear our hotel bathrobe without permission because she doesn't want to get makeup on her clothes. Eats all the cookies that the Resort left for us, drinks the champagne that was meant for my husband and myself. And puts on my husbands wedding ring without permission, and nearly busts my bra after poking at it.

 

Maybe she thought all those things would be replenished before you all got back! Good grief. I was in a friend's wedding a month ago and we positively trashed their honeymoon suite in the preparations - but that was because we knew the hotel staff would clean everything up, bring new towels, etc, before bride and groom returned. Maybe she thought the champagne was for the bridesmaids! This really could have been benign, but you are acting like she maliciously stole stuff from you. Lighten up!

[curiousnycgirl]

Was she aware of what you expected of her as a bridesmaid? Maybe she was clueless that she *should* have helped with things other than to show up and support you at the rehearsal and in the ceremony. If you expected things that you never explicitly verbalized, I'm not sure you can blame her entirely for failing you here.

 

If the friend claimed to have sent an email saying she couldn't make it, then she definitely knew she was supposed to be at the bachelorette thing.

 

Basically I agree with the Kasan - this girl is not going to be a meaningful part of your life, so why bother doing anything about it? Let it go and enjoy your life.

[DazedandConfused66]

While I can understand your disappointment in her behavior, really, you invited HER to be your bridesmaid. It's not like she volunteered for the role. It sounds like you made a bad choice. I'm sorry it might have blighted your experience, but I'd say....don't make bad choices like that in the future.

 

Not worth telling her off or anything...that only brings more pain to the memory.

[redfathom]

I would just not contact her. She does not seem worthy of your friendship. She has some respect issues. I don't see the need for it to be confrontational, if she does contact you and you think you owe it to her to explain how you feel then let he know what she was rude and that you don't need a friend who thinks only of herself. You have a new life to start, fill it with people who will be good to you.

[blind_otter]

Seems like you already catalogued the reasons why she should no longer be your friend. Why do you need validation for your decision?

[jerbear]

Where is the BF?

 

Was your friend like this before he showed up?

 

I've see friends' SO drastically affect the other.

 

IMO, don't drop her yet; just don't contact for awhile. If those two get married and your invited. Just send a card.

[Chibaby]

While I can understand your disappointment in her behavior, really, you invited HER to be your bridesmaid. It's not like she volunteered for the role. It sounds like you made a bad choice.

 

OK this being said, I really only wanted my sister and my best friend, but she expected to be in the wedding, so in a sense she volunteered. I suppose I could have said no, but I have known her for so long I felt it wouldn't be right to choose between my two close friends. Anyhow, as to bad choices, I think every bride is faced with making tough decisions and I personally like to take other people's feelings into consideration when I make my choices....sometimes that backs you into a corner.

[Chibaby]

 

 

Gifts at weddings are NEVER mandatory. EVER. And it is really none of your business how she chooses to spend her money. For all you know, her boyfriend could have paid for the catamaran ride.

 

OK devils advocate.....Yes- gifts of course are not mandatory or expected....but it is a part of our culture however to acknowledge a wedding. How would you feel if it was your special day, and one of your best friends just let it go unnoticed? I think you would be hurt despite what you are saying here. I know I would feel awful if I didn't get the bride and groom something small, or at least a gesture to let them know I cared if I could not afford anything. Yes, none of us wants to be materialistic or petty. Personally, a card with some kind words would have been a nice inexpensive way to show she cared. I mean, come on, if this girl can spend two weeks in hawaii, she's IN the wedding, she can drop a couple bucks on a card to at least AKNOWLEDGE it!

 

 

 

QUOTE=sunshinegirl;1366165]Maybe she thought all those things would be replenished before you all got back! Good grief. I was in a friend's wedding a month ago and we positively trashed their honeymoon suite in the preparations - but that was because we knew the hotel staff would clean everything up, bring new towels, etc, before bride and groom returned. Maybe she thought the champagne was for the bridesmaids! This really could have been benign, but you are acting like she maliciously stole stuff from you. Lighten up!

 

OK, the card on the champage said to Mr and Mrs....if that isn't clear enough, then I don't know. I do not think that she "stole" these things. It's not like I'm bitter, I just feel like she did not make an effort to make my day special, like a friend should. I just think that there is a certain way in which one should conduct themselves. I think that as a guest and a friend, she could at least ask permission before ransacking our hotel suite, and nearly breaking my bra by poking it. I am not asking for valdition as to why I should be friends with her, I just want to know, how can I approach her and let her know she really acted inappropriately and hurt my feelings while still using tact....something that she doesn't seem to have. I mean seriously, if this happened to you, you would just not care? I personally feel like you'd be a pretty s****y friend to act this way, and if it was an error in judgement, then I'd at least like to let this person know to make ammends.

[sunshinegirl]

I definitely don't blame you for feeling upset and let down.

 

I was trying to give a counter-point not to make you angry or say you were wrong, but partly because I just like to play devil's advocate, and partly because if I were in your shoes I think I would try to see multiple sides of the story to help me figure out if my perspective was off, if my hurt feelings are justified.

 

Okay so if the champagne was labeled Mr./Mrs.... um yeah, that changes things. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt as maybe a really really clueless person, but unless she was illiterate, that's a pretty idiotic and selfish thing to do.

 

And yes, at minimum a card of some sort would have been nice. Really what you wanted was some kind of acknowledgement from her... which you never got from the sounds of it.

 

Sorry for the crummy experience with your bridesmaid/friend. Like somebody else said, I would probably not confront her and just let the friendship fade.

 

Congrats on your marriage, though!

[Mr. Lucky]

OK,

One of my bridesmaids/best friends is out of state, and flew in. I could not pay for her flight/accomadations mind you-nor anyone elses,

Ended up stiffing on the bill so that someone had to actually tell her "look, you need to pay your fair share."

The next day we all went out to dinner for my birthday. Her and her BF stiff the bill again- someone has to tell them to pay their fair share.

 

I guess I'll play devil's advocate also. Your wedding reception evolved into a huge financial outlay for your best friend. I hate to sound like the Mastercard commercial, but:

 

Airfare to Hawaii - $750.00

Accomodations in Nice Hotel - $600.00

Chipping in for your Bridesmaid Dinner - $75.00

Chipping in for your Birthday Dinner - $100.00

 

Hearing You Complain that She Cheaped Out on Your Wedding Gift -

 

Priceless !

 

I'm not addressing her behavior, which probably would have been equally boorish and inappropriate if the wedding was in her home town. But as to the gift, I think your perspective is off...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DazedandConfused66]

OK this being said, I really only wanted my sister and my best friend, but she expected to be in the wedding,

 

And her expectations obligated you in what manner?

 

so in a sense she volunteered. I suppose I could have said no, but I have known her for so long I felt it wouldn't be right to choose between my two close friends.

You are right. You had a chance to say no at the time, you didn't, and she misbehaved. But you made a choice then and stuck to it....you could have asked her to leave after any of her inappropriate behaviors but you didn't. I understand WHY you didn't, but it doesn't change the fact that you could have, at any time, stopped her from contributing more discomfort to your special day, right? You made multiple choices to allow her to remain there in spite of how she was acting and making you feel.

 

Anyhow, as to bad choices, I think every bride is faced with making tough decisions and I personally like to take other people's feelings into consideration when I make my choices....sometimes that backs you into a corner.

Bravo for you for feeling that way, that's noble and to be encouraged. But, sometimes, even when YOU are trying to do the right thing, other people let you down. That's all I'm saying. You can rant at them but all it typically does is makes a bad situation worse. Or you can just chalk it up to a bad decision and never, EVER invite her to play a special role in your life again.

 

One of my favorite quotes from Animal House (old movie, I'm an old fart) takes place between Otter and Flounder. I think it's very appropriate here....

 

"Flounder, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You effed up - you trusted us! Hey, make the best of it!"

 

OK, the card on the champage said to Mr and Mrs....if that isn't clear enough, then I don't know. I do not think that she "stole" these things. It's not like I'm bitter, I just feel like she did not make an effort to make my day special, like a friend should. I just think that there is a certain way in which one should conduct themselves. I think that as a guest and a friend, she could at least ask permission before ransacking our hotel suite, and nearly breaking my bra by poking it. I am not asking for valdition as to why I should be friends with her, I just want to know, how can I approach her and let her know she really acted inappropriately and hurt my feelings while still using tact....something that she doesn't seem to have. I mean seriously, if this happened to you, you would just not care? I personally feel like you'd be a pretty s****y friend to act this way, and if it was an error in judgement, then I'd at least like to let this person know to make ammends.

 

So you believe that, by addressing her behavior with her directly, you can change her personality so she doesn't spend her life destroying other peoples' weddings as well? While I agree you have a right to be upset, what I'm hearing is that you want HER to be upset and remorseful so somehow, you'd like to force those feelings to come out of her by dissing her about this.

 

Look, you can't go back and re-do your wedding day. Other than revenge, what motive would you have for laying your "ruined day" at her feet? And for that matter.....if your wedding is meant to be memorable and special, why in the hell would you want to drag your pretty dress thru this mud anymore? Drop it, photoshop her out of the mental pictures (maybe the real ones too!) and just focus on the fact that you and your man are married and celebrated it in Hawaii! That's what is important if you ask me. If you really want to change her behaviors for life and this has nothing to do with revenge, then write her a letter outlining her character flaws, send it to her and look for a replacement best friend. Because I seriously doubt you'll do anything but chase her off. If she's THAT lacking in tact as you've outlined here what makes you think she is capable of even ACKNOWLEDGING her behaviors as being "unacceptable" in the first place?

 

Hey...you asked "straight up" so that's what I'm giving you. I'd drop it and spend my time focusing on the positive things that happened on my wedding day. And lady, let me tell you something. This is coming from a man who's would-be sister-in-law took the opportunity to commit suicide within hours after our reception, largely because the whole family was present and she thought it would be the best way to get attention. And that's not an exaggeration. So don't sit here and tell me I can't empathize with you.

 

Life is too short for anger and disappointment when it comes to the petty behaviors from friends. I'd just find a different class of friend if it bothered me that much.