gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 my wife and i have been married for 2 years and have a wonderfull house and child that will be two at the end of this year. In june she went to her friends wedding in florida and met a guy down there whom she had an emotional affair with. The affair lasted for about 3 weeks. Since the beginning of July till now she has had no contact with him at all and he has not contacted her. She is now asking me to let her go back to florida to see her friends new born baby in the beginning of December. ( this is the same friend that got married in June ) The guy my wife had the affair with is a good family friend of the soon to be parents.. I don't know what to do.....should i go with her or let her go by her self.. My wife tells me that she does not think about TR anymore and that she is glad the incident happened because it made her realize how much she loves me and never wants to be without me. Link to post Share on other sites
pyroguy Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 my wife and i have been married for 2 years and have a wonderfull house and child that will be two at the end of this year. In june she went to her friends wedding in florida and met a guy down there whom she had an emotional affair with. The affair lasted for about 3 weeks. Since the beginning of July till now she has had no contact with him at all and he has not contacted her. She is now asking me to let her go back to florida to see her friends new born baby in the beginning of December. ( this is the same friend that got married in June ) The guy my wife had the affair with is a good family friend of the soon to be parents.. I don't know what to do.....should i go with her or let her go by her self.. My wife tells me that she does not think about TR anymore and that she is glad the incident happened because it made her realize how much she loves me and never wants to be without me. Hmm. Not sure about this one. It doesn't sound good, but that's just me. It seems to convenient to just say, "well it's over, I needed it to know how much I loved you- now let me go there again" Also, what did she have to say for herself regarding this event, reason? You also have to be prepaired to find out that it may have not been just emotional. Hate to be a bummer, but these are all possibilities. This is what happens when one cheats. Keep your eyes open. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 she said that when she went down there the first time she was unsure of my feeling for us...after she came back she says she is 100% sure that i am the man for her and our child...i am so confused Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 she said that when she went down there the first time she was unsure of my feeling for us...after she came back she says she is 100% sure that i am the man for her and our child...i am so confused If you could trust her... then she wouldnt be even considering this trip. I hate to tell you this... but she is selfish, and nasty! She does not consider your feelings, nor does she respect you. If I was in your shoes... I'd have a divorce lawyer on speed dial. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 If you could trust her, you wouldn't be asking us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 ur right....but i just have a lot of trust issues in general.. she has done nothing for me to distrust her since that incident happened.. i am just really confused with my feelings Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 People who can be trusted act in ways that inspire trust. She absolutely betrayed your trust by having an emotional affair, them wants to go back to the place where he lives and will come into contact with this man while this urge to visit the new baby comes on. And you are supposed to trust her or you are the bad guy. If I did something that broke my partner's trust, i sure as hell would go to great lengths to show i was trustable by...oih...I don't know--not visiting a family in another state where i would come into direct contact with said person again. Then again, people who break your trust like that have a nasty habit of continuing behavior that puts you in the position you are in now. Funny, isn't it? What are you getting out of this? Honestly? She just shouldn't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 People who can be trusted act in ways that inspire trust. She absolutely betrayed your trust by having an emotional affair, them wants to go back to the place where he lives and will come into contact with this man while this urge to visit the new baby comes on. And you are supposed to trust her or you are the bad guy. If I did something that broke my partner's trust, i sure as hell would go to great lengths to show i was trustable by...oih...I don't know--not visiting a family in another state where i would come into direct contact with said person again. Then again, people who break your trust like that have a nasty habit of continuing behavior that puts you in the position you are in now. Funny, isn't it? What are you getting out of this? Honestly? She just shouldn't do it. my wife claims that this guy lives about 45 minutes away from her family and that she has intructed her family that she wants nothing to do with guy and to not even tell him that she is coming down... my wife and i are trying to have another child right now and she says to me today that she doesn't want to have another child with me if don't 100% trust her. my trust with her is about a 99.99% level.. i really believe that she loves me and our family enough to not make the same mistake twice.. she knows that if she has anymore contact with this guy it is over between us and i am keeping our son. she has not talked to this guy since the end of june when she told him to f off. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 ur right....but i just have a lot of trust issues in general.. she has done nothing for me to distrust her since that incident happened.. i am just really confused with my feelings Well, she had an affair... that would tend to cause trust issues. Why does she think its Ok for her to go back, after what she did last time? Have you asked her that question? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 Well, she had an affair... that would tend to cause trust issues. Why does she think its Ok for her to go back, after what she did last time? Have you asked her that question? she thinks it's ok....for a few reasons she says there is no chance to run into this guy.... that she never wants to make that same mistake twice because she doesn't want to lose me that her family done there respects us enough to not let him come around. she also says that her love for me is much deeper than it was a few months ago. I am tempted to just let her go and see what happens..if she comes back tainted again than i know that is over...but if comes back like she says she will (without talking to TR of seeing him) than it is all good between us...she was crying in my arms the other night about how much she loves me and wants to be with me forever... still very confused Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 my wife claims that this guy lives about 45 minutes away from her family and that she has intructed her family that she wants nothing to do with guy and to not even tell him that she is coming down... my wife and i are trying to have another child right now and she says to me today that she doesn't want to have another child with me if don't 100% trust her. my trust with her is about a 99.99% level.. i really believe that she loves me and our family enough to not make the same mistake twice.. she knows that if she has anymore contact with this guy it is over between us and i am keeping our son. she has not talked to this guy since the end of june when she told him to f off. No it doesnt work like that! She is basically saying that you need to prove your trust, before you have another child. That is Bullsh*t! She needs to prove to you that she is worth trusting. She doesnt get to test you... she gave up that right! Dude this smells fishy. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 No matter what she says about not seeing him, how would you ever really know for sure? She could easily meet up with him and you wouldn't know about it. How about telling her that you would love to go with her? See how she reacts. If she she tries to talk you out of that idea, then there's your red flag. If she says, "Great. Come with me, " then go with her. I agree with the other posters. She should be doing everything in her power to show YOU that she is trustworthy. She should be considering your fragile feelings above all else, even visting this friend in the location where she cheated. Why would she put herself back in that situation, or put you in a situation where you have to worry about what did or didn't happen while she was there? The answer is someone working on restoring trust would do what YOU need them to do in order for YOU to feel safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 No it doesnt work like that! She is basically saying that you need to prove your trust, before you have another child. That is Bullsh*t! She needs to prove to you that she is worth trusting. She doesnt get to test you... she gave up that right! Dude this smells fishy. i agree it smells fishy...but since the end of june she has done everything i wanted to do about working on our marriage...she has been much better with my family, keeping the house clean, and her way towards me. since the end of june she has been completely different with me. let me show you the email she sent me in august::: I know you said that sometimes you feel unhappy and unappreciated, but their are not enough words to describe how great of a husband and father you are. You bring so much joy, happiness and fulfillment into mine and our sons life. We love you so much and we never want you to feel that you are unloved, unappreciated or not wanted. The way our son looks at you when you walk through the door, or the way he jumps on your stomach when you are lying down are the ways he shows you how much he loves his "dada". Before the Florida trip I wasn't sure if we would last, or if my feelings for you were real, but after that trip I realized their is no other man in the world that would treat me the way you do. I am not the easiest person to get along with, I am not the prettiest, smartest, giving or kindest person either. How you put up with me, I have no idea, but I do know that I am really lucky to have a great guy like you. I don't regret the Florida tip at all, in fact I am glad it happened because great things came out of it! I didn't realize how much I loved you until then, or that their is no other man in the world for me. I am so fortunate to have you in my life. You gave me a beautiful son, a wonderful home and most of all you! If their is anything that I can do to make you happy, or loved let me know. You are my baby, my handsome and most of all my husband! You are the most important man in mine and Gavin's life. We love you more then anything and we wouldn't change one thing about you! I love you more then words can say, you are my everything, my one and only, my soul mate. Love you more, Sweetcheeks Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Well, if she meant what she said in that email, then tell her it would make you happy if she didn't go to Florida, that it would make you feel "safe" and "loved" if she stayed home. Words. blah blah blah. How about some actions to match the words? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Why don't you go with her... This way you'll be 100% sure she won't see this guy... simple.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 No matter what she says about not seeing him, how would you ever really know for sure? She could easily meet up with him and you wouldn't know about it. How about telling her that you would love to go with her? See how she reacts. If she she tries to talk you out of that idea, then there's your red flag. If she says, "Great. Come with me, " then go with her. I agree with the other posters. She should be doing everything in her power to show YOU that she is trustworthy. She should be considering your fragile feelings above all else, even visting this friend in the location where she cheated. Why would she put herself back in that situation, or put you in a situation where you have to worry about what did or didn't happen while she was there? The answer is someone working on restoring trust would do what YOU need them to do in order for YOU to feel safe. okay she cheated in ft lauderdale...she is going to orlando..so it is not the same place. and as far as me going with her she is fine with me going to orlando with her... she is fine either way Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 So, what exactly are your fears about this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Sorry but something sounds very fishy to me. I assume that she had a sexual affair and put your health at risk for STD's. Has she been checked for STD's?Did she immediately confess? She should be doing everything in her power to make things rights. She seems very insistent on her going. Give me a break. If the roles were reversed and you screwed some woman and then you continue to beg your wife to go down again without you what would you think? You have to prove yourself to her by trusting her? What is wrong with this picture? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes right now. She seems to be quite a little actress. She should be counting her lucky stars that you did not leave her and now she wants to go back to the scence of the crime without you? I am sorry but this does not add up. She is still disrespecting you by her actions. Again if the roles were reversed, do you honestly think she would be putting up with such disrespect and humiliation from you that you seem willing to accept? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 She does not regret that she had sex with another man behind your back and betrayed her wedding vows and totally humiliated you while putting herself at risk for STD's because great things came out of it in your relationship??????.....Oh Please. Who in their right mind would say such a thing. I am sure she would be pleased to hear you say you had a sexual affair with another woman behind her back and did not regret it at all because great things have come out of it in your relationship. She is out of her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Yeah, her email sounds a bit overboard. I would doubt her sincerity. Afterall, she expressed NO remorse, only that she was glad it happened because it made her realize how much she loved you. How about expressing some remorse over huring you? And didn't she know she loved you before she cheated? What will she do next time she doubts her love? Cheat? While it might be true she didn't realize how lucky she is to have you until she almost lost you, it's quite selfish to say the affair was a good thing until there is some perspective and time spent making things closer between the two of you. I doubt it was a good thing for you at the time. I hope you two have talked about an action plan to prevent the "why" of why she cheated on you. I, too, wonder if she has told you the "whole story." Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 Sorry but something sounds very fishy to me. I assume that she had a sexual affair and put your health at risk for STD's. Has she been checked for STD's?Did she immediately confess? She should be doing everything in her power to make things rights. She seems very insistent on her going. Give me a break. If the roles were reversed and you screwed some woman and then you continue to beg your wife to go down again without you what would you think? You have to prove yourself to her by trusting her? What is wrong with this picture? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes right now. She seems to be quite a little actress. She should be counting her lucky stars that you did not leave her and now she wants to go back to the scence of the crime without you? I am sorry but this does not add up. She is still disrespecting you by her actions. Again if the roles were reversed, do you honestly think she would be putting up with such disrespect and humiliation from you that you seem willing to accept? let me answer a few questions...first my fears are that if she happens to see this guy again it will bring up old feelings...even though she assures me that if she did happen to run into him her feelings for me are to strong to let anything happen to us. secondly...nothing in the emails that i read or im's suggest or allude to any sexual activity if i don't want her to go than she is not going...also she is good with me going down with her. she is not persistant on going to the point that she is nagging me but she would be a little upset if she doesn't go down...she says that she had the emotional affair with TR because it was a new feeling for guy to show that kind of interest in her. i know that is somewhat of a bullsh*t answer but she has been remorsefull and very apologetic about the whole thing.....she has been confessing her love for me everyday since it has happend and we are a very happy couple....we have great sex on a regular basis (usually twice a week) and she has had no contact with this guy at since it happend... i know for sure i check the phones and the computer Link to post Share on other sites
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 It doesn't seem like you really want advice, honestly. When people give you some food for thought, or give you their opinions, you come back here to defend her and your actions. Are you just waiting for someone to say "Yep, you should totally trust her and have nothing to worry about."? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 It doesn't seem like you really want advice, honestly. When people give you some food for thought, or give you their opinions, you come back here to defend her and your actions. Are you just waiting for someone to say "Yep, you should totally trust her and have nothing to worry about."? i don;t think i am defending her i just want people to know the whole story that i know...this whole thing is new and tough for me to deal with and i do appreciate everyones feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 let me answer a few questions...first my fears are that if she happens to see this guy again it will bring up old feelings...even though she assures me that if she did happen to run into him her feelings for me are to strong to let anything happen to us. secondly...nothing in the emails that i read or im's suggest or allude to any sexual activity if i don't want her to go than she is not going...also she is good with me going down with her. she is not persistant on going to the point that she is nagging me but she would be a little upset if she doesn't go down...she says that she had the emotional affair with TR because it was a new feeling for guy to show that kind of interest in her. i know that is somewhat of a bullsh*t answer but she has been remorsefull and very apologetic about the whole thing.....she has been confessing her love for me everyday since it has happend and we are a very happy couple....we have great sex on a regular basis (usually twice a week) and she has had no contact with this guy at since it happend... i know for sure i check the phones and the computer Go with her... end of story... Pleazzze don't think that this was just an EA ... it lasted 3 weeks.. come on now... are you that naive? She may have no more contact with this guy...but trust me, if she sees him again.. it might bring back amazing souvenirs... and she might fall for him... again. I can't believe what I read sometimes.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 Go with her... end of story... Pleazzze don't think that this was just an EA ... it lasted 3 weeks.. come on now... are you that naive? She may have no more contact with this guy...but trust me, if she sees him again.. it might bring back amazing souvenirs... and she might fall for him... again. I can't believe what I read sometimes.. it;s tough for me to to believe that it was just an emotional affair too...but i don't want to pry any more than i have already. i am not only scared to know the truth but i am scared to push her away....I do plan on goin with her if we actually go down it is not the much more $$$... beside I can't put a $$$ on my marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts