Dont now what to do about my husband...

[mushmichelle]

Hi everyone, I am new here, and need advice.

 

I am 23 have to kids and am married to the father of my second child. We have been married since July 2002 and have dealt with this problem over and over.....

 

My husband llikes to look at porn, no where near as much as he used to but he still does. he doesnt really do it that much anymore, its not the porn that bothers me so much anymore, its the lying and sneaking around. We have dealt with this at least 10 times since we got married. I dont know what to do anymore. At first I was supportive, telling him that I would try to help him, telling him if he needed counselling that we would get it for him. Now, well I am fresh out of supportive material. Last time I found his porn on my computer, I simply packed his bags for him when he got home. He knows what this is doing to us and our relationship. But he just wont stop, when hes caught, he blames it on being a man and stupidty. I don't want to lose my husband, but I also wont put up with him imagining that hes sleeping with all these different wh@*es.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Now, well I am fresh out of supportive material."

 

It sounds like you've tried everything. For additional supportive material, go to: http://www.google.com and put "addiction to porn" in the search field. You will find hundreds of sites that may offer you additional tactics for dealing with the problem. Here is a site you can start at and go from there: http://www.no-porn.com/

 

I feel you've done all you can. He has no motivation to go to a counsellor since he's obviously enjoying this material. There may be some support groups in your area that may offer some strategies for getting him into recovery. Good luck.

 

We have lately had a marked increase in the number of problems just like yours posted in this forum. Must be the allignment of the planets???

[Gray]

Another porn issue.

 

"Sleeping with all these wh0res?"

 

Exactly what kind of wh0res is he sleeping with? Has he cheated on you before? Have you not left him because of the children? Or when you said sleeping with, did you mean looking at?

 

Now if he has a legitimate addiction to porn, that could be a problem. I'm assuming he's younger, like yourself. Be it known, I'm 26 and have been known to masturbate up to 3 times a day. I have friends that are the same way. Sometimes I go weeks without.

 

It seems to me that you found out he looked at porn and immediately tried to "help" him by insisting he seek treatment for a completely normal behavoir. Have you tried to help him, by renting an adult movie with him and watching it? This isn't cheating, its fun and normal. You two might get frisky and try something new and exciting. Or maybe it won't and you don't try it again. Basically I'm saying I find it insulting that you immediately think he needs help, when his actions are inline with the majority of males in the world.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Basically I'm saying I find it insulting that you immediately think he needs help, when his actions are inline with the majority of males in the world.

 

Yikes! I hardly think that our original poster was making any personal attacks regarding the male gender in general. I have read some of your post responses regarding the "porn" issue and it is obvious this particular topic strikes a sensitive nerve with you. But may I be obliged to use one of your own statements made on post entitled: My Husband Don't Like Porn or Strip Clubs

 

All of you should be ashamed of yourself for attacking this woman. HOW DARE YOU!

 

I suppose sometimes its easier to give advice than it is to follow it.

 

I think the problem here is that the poster's husband is already aware that it makes her uncomfortable but seems unable to curb his behavior. The fact that he is "sneaking around" also lends to Tony's suggestion that there may be a bigger problem here. And personally, I can't help but to agree.

[Gray]

I hope she doesn't think I'm attacking her like you think I am. The point of the matter is that she's upset, and thats the issue that needs to be dealt with. My post was suggesting the problem might lie deeper in their marriage than simply the pornography. So I agree with both of you then, that theres a bigger problem at large.

 

If he is lying and hiding it, thats a problem with the marriage. I'm not married, so i can't speak with certainy, but I'm pretty sure lying and hiding things aren't the path to a healthy marriage.

 

I'm suggesting that her making him feel guilty for something she has a hangup with isn't the way to solve things. But I definately do not blame her for the situation, she's completely entitled to her feelings, and if they are a result of her husbands actions then thats something they both need to work on.

[cindy0039]

Gray - Maybe when you GET married you'll understand better that women would rather have their husbands spending quality time with them, touching them and making love to them, instead of looking at porn alone and masturbating to it, especially if it's frequently and instead of being with them. I hope that makes sense.

 

I think if you were married you wouldn't feel the need to masturbate three times a day, not if you had a healthy sex life with your wife. Just my two cents.

[Jamie31]

Michelle - I don't know any man that doesn't like to look at porn sometimes - it's just a guy thing. It doesn't mean that he isnt' attracted to you, it's just a stupid fetish that most men have.

 

Why not join him? Be open about it and watch pornos with your husband, look at dirty magazines with him, go to adult bookstores with him. Instead of making it a bad thing, turn it into something that you two can do together, that way he doesn't have to hide it. And it can also spruce up your sex life and add a litte excitement. Trust me, my husband does it too, but I am into porn jsut as much as he is and it's really not a big deal, it makes it fun and it's something we do together, and it really does add a spark. Just try it, what could it hurt?

[Miakal]

Okay kiddo. Here it goes. Probably not what you want to hear though.

 

Men look at porn. They always have and they always will...until the end of time. It really isn't such a bad thing. If it's in moderation, it really is normal. I do believe that some men and women can get addicted to pornography just as they can get addicted to alcohol or other substances. So that is something to look into when you go to counseling.

 

You have voiced your feelings regarding his viewing pornography. You say he is sneaking around to do it and that is what is bothering you. HOWEVER, the "WH*RES" statement that you made makes me think differently. I think that you just can't stand the thought of your guy drooling over other women's naked bodies. Because really, that's what he is doing.

 

But hey! Think of it this way. He's not touching them...he's not making plans with them...he's not giving them money...he's not spending his life with them. They are images on a computer screen. Simple as that. He's just sitting in a chair looking into a box.

 

I would guess that he is sneaking around because he knows you will be angry with him for looking at these sites so much. And I would guess that he is looking at these sites so much because it bothers YOU so much.

 

Ever heard of reverse psychology? Don't let it bother you (at least let him know that) and I bet you the porn will become less important to him.

 

I would still seek counseling as it seems there are other issues going on here...such as trust.

 

But girl, show your guy who the real woman is! Light his fire! Don't worry about whether or not he has seen other naked women.

 

Hey, maybe go online yourself and checkout a few hotties...it's really okay.

 

Hang in there.

[Hippiechic592000]

I had a simular experience with the same thing with my x husband. I could have sex with him 50 times a day, then I would find the books under our bed with the toilet paper. it was really embarassing when we moved that the movers picked up our bed, and found the same thing. People say men are men, but constanty looking at porn can be an illness mentally. My x was diagnosed with adult ADHD. He also was a very abusive person. He was abusive sexually in the end of a 10 year jaunt. If you get a chance to read anything on the web about this type of compulsion you will probally open your eyes and see that if he has to look at a book full of naked women doing god knows what, then is he thinking of you or your feelings? To me I would tell him it's you or his fantasy world.

[FolderWife]

Don't listen to a word they say!

 

Showing what a REAL woman is DOESN'T WORK

Joining him DOESN'T WORK

Not letting it bother you DOESN'T WORK

 

I found out my husband had been looking at porn SOOOO MUCH, and I cried and begged him to stop.

 

He promised he would, but instead he started deleting the history

 

I let him know that I KNEW the exact dates and times he looked, but I DIDN'T CARE

 

He joined a porn site, started looking TWICE as often, and started ordering PAY PER VIEW. WASTING MONEY ON THE STUFF THAT WAS FREE WHEN HE THOUGHT IT BOTHERED ME!!!

 

I started trying to watch with him, because he couldn't get hard without a porn movie! That insulted me and hurt my feelings...my naked body wasn't good enough for a hard on! Who cares if I joined him any way, HE STILL DID IT BEHIND MY BACK!!!

 

When it got to the breaking point, and I couldn't take it any more, I turned on the water in the bathtub, and bawled my EYES OUT. He came in to see what was wrong with me, and after asking and asking and asking me, I finally said, "I'm crying because you look at porn!" He took a hammer to our computer.

 

Porn was out of the house for a month. He turned into the most affectionate loving husband. I was telling him how much of an effort I had made to not let his porn habbits bother me, and I started crying. He put his arms around me, and told me he didn't need it any more.

 

Four weeks ago, I was getting ready to go to my parents, and he acted so mean, like he couldn't wait for me to leave.

 

Two weeks ago, I was putting a recorded tape in the VCR to watch something I'd taped the night before, but the tape didn't go in. I'm the only one in our home that watches videos....so I pushed play to see what was in the VCR. Sure enough, PORN. He'd rented pay per view, and taped it. I was a MESS!! I had to leave work 3 hours early, because HE'D LIED TO ME AGAIN!!!!! It hurt soooo much, I can't even describe it. I get shaky just telling about it.

 

Anyway, I called our cable company, to ask if any pay per view had been ordered. They said yes, and listed about 7 sexy labled movies! The first one....you guessed it...the night before I left for my parents house. He'd treated me like pure sh** for two weeks, and when I found his precious porno, I knew why. He'd been looking at blond bouncy boobed bimbos on TV, and suddenly his wife wasn't worth a crap any more. He's mean, and disrespectful, and uncaring, and controlling, and absolutely unsexual when he watches porn.

 

I went home and confronted him about it, and he had the nerve to accuse me of spying on him. THEN he had the gual to say, "I need time to myself!" I asked, "What does that mean?" he said, "I need time away from you!"

 

Ok, I work until 5:30 two nights a week, and 7 two nights a week. he gets home at 3. I started yelling, "You can watch Basketball! You can Play basketball! You can watch Football! That doesn't hurt me! You have to watch porn! You have to do something that hurts me!" He said, "If I do that, you nag me!" I'm like "I do not!!! I like it when you play sports!!!"

 

Oh, I get so mad just THINKING about this. I'M THE ONE WHO NEVER HAS TIME ALONE!!! Stupid IDIOT! Saying he needs time alone. If he didn't have so much alone time, he wouldn't have had so much time to look at porn, now would he? Time away from me!!!!! He's pushed me away so much, he's got all the time he wants!

 

Nothing anyone has suggested here hasn't been tried by me. I dress sexy....I'm 5'5, 130lbs...big butt, size C breasts, long brown hair, and the type of girl that EVERYONE (women included) stares at when I walk by. But for some reason, my going naked or dressing sexy doesn't get him hard. Some slut can fu*** a guy, and he has to masterbate because he gets so excited. I'm a good wife. He's a lousey husband. I should leave him, and I thought that the next time I cought him with porn would be the LAST time, but I'm still here.

 

I kick myself EVERY DAY that I haven't left yet. I love him, but MY GOD I HATE HIM!!! He doesn't know how much I can't stand him, because if I told him, he'd throw something at me. I want to leave so bad, but I want to stay too. Things that don't pertain to him make me want to stay; my job, our home...etc.

 

This sucks! Maybe if you can get him to councelling it might change him....I havent' been able to get my selfish husband to do anything to save our marriage. He couldn't care less if I left...then he'd just have freedom to jack off on every naked woman on TV.

 

I wasn't angry at the beginning of this post, but after drudging up all those memories, I sure am now!

[FolderWife]

Sorry, I really do love my husband, and he's not a bad guy. In fact, he's downright perfect when porn isn't in his life He liiiiied to me from the beginning.

 

When we got married, I was rearranging things so I could fit my stuff into our home, when I found a subscription to Playboy. I asked him if he was going to order Playboy, and he said "No..I don't need that stuff, I'm married."

 

A week later, we were going to the post office, and I saw the Playboy subscription filled out. I asked him why he was ordering Playboy, and he said, "I'm getting it for my Uncle...he wants a subscription." I couldn't figure out why he didn't just puthis Uncle's name on the subscription, but oh well, he does silly things." 2 months later, I was putting toilet paper in the extra bathroom, when I FOUND A PLAYBOY!!! I opened it, and I got sick

 

I didn't confront him until the next morning. I asked him who he'd gotten the subscription for, and he said his uncle. I brought it out from under the sink, and he looked like a deer in headlights. He said, "That's for my uncle!" I said, "Then why do YOU have it?" He said, "I just wanted to look at it!" I was leaving to drive to my parent's house, to go to church, and I laid it in the floor, and he told me to get out. I was like, "Fine." and I left. He stopped me, but I was still mad, and I wasn't about to forgive him. He got mad again, and told me to leave. I went out the door, and he ran to the door, and begged me to come back.

 

He doesn't beg me to do anything any more. He just does whatever he wants, and to hell if it hurts me or not.

 

Then he magically straightens up! The past two weeks, he's acted WONDERFUL. I can't stand him though. He was mean, and rude, and hateful to me for 2 weeks, and when I FINALLY was at my wits end, I FOUND PORN! When I get to the point I can't stand him any more, he becomes perfect again.

 

So I'm looking forward to 2 more months of bliss...then He'll turn into an ass again, then I'll find porn, then I'll hate him for a month, then I'll fall in love again, then we'll have a good month, then the cycle will start aaaaaaall over again.

 

I used to like rollercoasters

[Kasey_Simms]

Hi, I have been in a similar situation and it is hard. What alot of people don't realize is that porn addiction is a serious problem. There is a fine line between an addiction and curiosity too. In my situation they said it was "just a curioisty" but it went from that to an addiction real fast. An occassional look at porn may be one thing but when its a whole lot and they begin to hide, its a problem.

 

If he is not willing to go to counseling, then maybe you should either get rid of the computer, it maybe that he looks else where for porn, but its the risk you take if you wanna try to help the situation. Or you could leave, i'm not saying thats the answer at all, just maybe it would make him think and weigh his options as to what is really important to him. Another thing to, people with addictions any kind of addictions will try and do or say anything to justify what it is they are doing. Best of luck to you.

[mywife'smanalways]

Originally posted by Gray

Another porn issue.

 

"Sleeping with all these wh0res?"

 

Exactly what kind of wh0res is he sleeping with? Has he cheated on you before? Have you not left him because of the children? Or when you said sleeping with, did you mean looking at?

 

Now if he has a legitimate addiction to porn, that could be a problem. I'm assuming he's younger, like yourself. Be it known, I'm 26 and have been known to masturbate up to 3 times a day. I have friends that are the same way. Sometimes I go weeks without.

 

It seems to me that you found out he looked at porn and immediately tried to "help" him by insisting he seek treatment for a completely normal behavoir. Have you tried to help him, by renting an adult movie with him and watching it? This isn't cheating, its fun and normal. You two might get frisky and try something new and exciting. Or maybe it won't and you don't try it again. Basically I'm saying I find it insulting that you immediately think he needs help, when his actions are inline with the majority of males in the world.

 

Sorry, but that reasoning is just crap. Just because a "majority" or a group of people believe that a certain thing is just fine does NOT make it so (ex. a "majority" of people in a certain european country thought that mass murder of selected groups of people was just fine). Persuing pornographic 'pleasures' at the expense of a spouse's feelings and wishes is NOT ok at all.....in fact, it is the height of selfishness. If the activity in question was sailboarding, stamp collecting, or playing the cello then there would certainly be some room for doubt as to the legitimacy of the injured spouse's complaint. Not so with porn. By insisting on viewing porn and masturbating at his wife's expense, he is allowing it to supplant her rightful place in the marriage. Contrary to popular belief, we do NOT have the right to do anything we want, any time we want, at the expense of others, ESPECIALLY our spouses.

[Jacksin]

If ever I think I have problems, all I will have to do is read Monday's postings.

Why dont you leave this wanker Monday. Any love you had for him has now grown into hate and as a couple you have NO future. He will never get any better. Seems like he knows just how far he can push you before he stops being a jerk.

This mongrel is simply playing mind games with you. Either leave or kick him out, while you have your sanity and self respect.

My reply may seem harsh but I call it as I see it and some people have to be shocked out of their situation. Good Luck anyways.

Jack

[FolderWife]

You are exactly right!

 

Originally posted by Jacksin

If ever I think I have problems, all I will have to do is read Monday's postings.

Why dont you leave this wanker Monday. Any love you had for him has now grown into hate and as a couple you have NO future. He will never get any better. Seems like he knows just how far he can push you before he stops being a jerk.

This mongrel is simply playing mind games with you. Either leave or kick him out, while you have your sanity and self respect.

My reply may seem harsh but I call it as I see it and some people have to be shocked out of their situation. Good Luck anyways.

Jack