gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 My wife started going out on thursday nights with her parents neighbor. He is 45 and she is 21. They have known each other for about 10 years. She says that he is more like a brother to her and that he makes sure no one gets close to her when they are out. They usually go to a club where we are friends with the DJ's..I am also friends with this guy and he seems harmless but.......a man is a man and I know how we operate. She does talk to him a couple of times a week on the phone. I ask her if she is attracted to him and her answer is GROSS he is twice my age and i have known him forever. I am thinking to much into this??? Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Um, in addition to have (emotionally or otherwise) cheated on you in the past, she is also forging friendships with men outside of your marriage and hanging out with these male friends without you? Not appropriate at all. Red flags! Put your foot down and say no to this situation. She is not acting trustworthy at all. Maybe she is setting up her new emotional cheating situation. Don't believe her when she says "Eeew, he's gross." She could be saying that to throw you off track. Does she need a lot of validation from other men that she is attractive? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 You have got to be kidding me. This is the same woman who has sex with another guy when she is visiting in Florida and now this? She constantly goes to clubs with another guy on Thursday evenings and tells you that he is like a brother? I am sorry but do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to understand what is going on her. Do you feel it is acceptable for you to go to clubs with some other woman every Thursday night? It is totally inappropriate especially after she screwed some other guy behind your back. She seems too immature to be married and apprently has no boundaries in this relationship. I think you are being very foolish. The fact that she constantly wants to go every week with this guy to a club and constantly talks to him on a phone a couple of times a week are huge red flags. It really sounds like either she is totally immature and unsuited for marriage or she is totally selfish and playing you for an absolute fool. Clearly you should not be forced to accept something like this. If you do not respect yourself then who will because it is prettly clear by her actions that she has very little respect for you. Open your eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I just read in your previous post that she claims she did not have a sexual affair. Nevertheless going to clubs without you with the same older man every week and phones calls during week is not a good sign. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 I just read in your previous post that she claims she did not have a sexual affair. Nevertheless going to clubs without you with the same older man every week and phones calls during week is not a good sign. Good Luck. know i am not defending her at all with this........but she has known this guy for 10 years and he is a family friend...the only reason she goes out with is because we are friends with everyone done there...we are friends with the dj's down there....i stay home with our son on thursday nights. the only time she sees this guy without me is on thursday nights,,, he is the only one she is friends with that goes out on thursdays....i hang out with this guy to and he only likes women over 30 that not american...and he is madly in love with another women....i don't like the situation but she is always home when she is supposed to be and when we are out together there is no funny vibe between them... i read people for a living. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Question: Can a man and a woman just be friends? Answer: I think it's highly unlikely. JMO. In the situation you describe, above, I think it's VERY unlikely. Good luck with that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 Question: Can a man and a woman just be friends? Answer: I think it's highly unlikely. JMO. In the situation you describe, above, I think it's VERY unlikely. Good luck with that... mustang..u mean unlikely they are friends or more than friends Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Unlikely that they are just friends...or that they would stay that way (just friends) for long. JMO, mind you, but I think (as does Harry) that "the sex thing always gets in the way" in some form or another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 thats what i worry about...the just friends thing....she says it would screw everything up in her life if that were to happen....between me and her parents... Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Well... Spend some time on LS looking around, my friend. There are many, MANY people who know good and well that crossing the line of infidelity will eventually screw up their life....but do so anyway. It is a very powerful temptation. One neither you nor her should underestimate. I'm just sayin'... Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 She showed you she has problems with boundaries by having an ea, assuming that was all it is (???) and now she is in frequent contact with some older guy. I'm a firm believer in being suspicious and sceptical of new opposite sex "friends" when the contact becomes several conversations a week and weekly outings-ESPECIALLY JUST THE 2 OF THEM!!! You should never ever have stood for that. 1st mistake. This would be mildly debatable if she had no prior history with infidelity. But I think it stinks! I get the feeling you will keep dancing around this, and give rationalizations until the cows come home. I understand, but in my opinion...since you asked...the whole picture sounds unbelievably stressful, in an ongoing way. It is not just one thing, so many red flags, man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 what am i supposed to say when she accused me of not trusting her when i ask her about the situation? it never just the two of them...she meets up with him down there..there are other friends down there at the same time. every once in a while they drive down together... and when he drops her off she gets right out of his truck. i am really confused if i should just put my foot down or see if she is tellin me the truth she has always had more guy friends than girl friends Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I will tell you something, as a former hardcore cheat: I used the "like a brother" line all the time. I also used the "not attracted to him" line. I used the "he is gay" line. I used the "he is not attracted to me" line. I used the "he is too old/young for me" line. Here is the bottom line: A cheater will tell you whatever they need to in order to throw you off the scent. I guess a few things to consider are: Are you ever invited out when she is with him, or are you encouraged to stay at home? When she talks to him on the phone, are you encouraged to "give her privacy" and leave the room? If you were to innocently walk up behind her when her email window is open, would she quickly minimize the window and freak out about her privacy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 none of that stuff happens...i am always invited to go and she has no problem talking with him when i am there... I just hope everything stays that way Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 what am i supposed to say when she accused me of not trusting her when i ask her about the situation? it never just the two of them...she meets up with him down there..there are other friends down there at the same time. every once in a while they drive down together... and when he drops her off she gets right out of his truck. i am really confused if i should just put my foot down or see if she is tellin me the truth she has always had more guy friends than girl friends I would honestly state that I had difficulty trusting her because of her past behavior. I would also state that if there was so much "nothing to worry about" then she should not have a problem exposing all the details of the relationship to you at your request. She has had an infidelity in the past, no? She should have already understood that she has lost her "right" to the benefit of the doubt from you, in my opinion. Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 what am i supposed to say when she accused me of not trusting her when i ask her about the situation? it never just the two of them...she meets up with him down there..there are other friends down there at the same time. every once in a while they drive down together... and when he drops her off she gets right out of his truck. i am really confused if i should just put my foot down or see if she is tellin me the truth she has always had more guy friends than girl friends Please wait to have another child with this woman. Listen, think of this guy the same way she does. Ever see those fire extinguishers behind glass that say "break in case of emergency"? Well imagine this guy as a lover behind glass! Yes, if I feel that my husband messes up... I got a lover on standbye. So, what days do you go out while she watches the kid? Fridays? What girls do you hang out with that make her jealous? Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Sounds suspicious given her history. Yes, guys and girls can be JUST friends, though I admit, most of the females I befriend are attractive to me. I can do things one-on-one without developing feelings or pushing for sex. It's a choice I make. One reason for the friendships is the hope that I'll get to meet and sleep with one of her attractive friends. My female friends who are in relationships...if we go to dinner together, for example, it will be for a short duraction, such as a burger on a Sunday while watching part of a game. I give my females friends space and wouldn't feel too comfortable with them going out with me one-on-one for extended periods of time, such as dinner and then dancing! I'd only do that with a woman I was interested in. And I wouldn't do it to a girl who was in a relationship as long as I had met the guy and respected him a little. I pull back when my friends get into relationships, so the guy doesn't have to worry (because I've been on the reverse side of it). I talk to these female friends on the phone maybe 1 time in 3 weeks. A couple times a week? That sounds sketchy. Link to post Share on other sites
bestadvisor Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Question: Can a man and a woman just be friends? Answer: I think it's highly unlikely. JMO. In the situation you describe, above, I think it's VERY unlikely. Good luck with that... A man and a woman can be friends, as long as they are not close friends or best friends. Can a man and a woman be close/best friends? Yes, but very rare and under unusual circumstances such as one of them being gay, one of them play the mother/father figure, and few other exceptions. Regards to the OP's situation, a few drinks and some good music can lead to dancing, kissing, and later maybe more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 she doesn't say much if i go out because she knows that i won't stray from her...i just never trust a guys intentions no matter how they seem Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 A man and a woman can be friends, as long as they are not close friends or best friends. Can a man and a woman be close/best friends? Yes, but very rare and under unusual circumstances such as one of them being gay, one of them play the mother/father figure, and few other exceptions. I agree with you, bestadvisor. But can you tell me what the other exceptions are that you mention above? I've been having this discussion lately with a friend, and I'd like to hear what else you have to say about it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 she doesn't say much if i go out because she knows that i won't stray from her...i just never trust a guys intentions no matter how they seem Ok, listen to Mustang... she is correct on this. Close, regular friends like this often turn into problems. Yes this guy is old, but for heavens sakes... that matters less to most women than it does men! Do you feel that you have a right not to trust your wife in some circumstances? Because it seems to me that she has conviced you that you dont have that right! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 hell yeah she has convinced me that i can't trust her in certain situations.....my question now is that is it still the same situation if it not just them two...there are other friends around all night Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 hell yeah she has convinced me that i can't trust her in certain situations.....my question now is that is it still the same situation if it not just them two...there are other friends around all night I was saying that she has now convinced you that you HAVE to trust her in some situations! Let me ask you this. Do you have any friends that go out with them? One that would tell you if he/she saw your wife doing something bad? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 yeah there are people there that would snitch on her....it sucks that i feel like i have to trust her in some situations....usually this guy i will call him EM.. is the one that makes sure nothing happens to her.. he a a very close friend of her families Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 yeah there are people there that would snitch on her....it sucks that i feel like i have to trust her in some situations....usually this guy i will call him EM.. is the one that makes sure nothing happens to her.. he a a very close friend of her families Ok, who would tell you if something was going on? Is it someone you hang with or is it her friend? Also, does this person know about her past affair? Link to post Share on other sites
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