His porn habit is ruining me!

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

Hello Everyone,

 

I need your advice. I love my husband more than anything. He is a great man, a good provider, a wonderful father and my best friend. The only real problem is, I feel like he likes masterbating to porn more than he likes having sex with me. Before we had our son (9 months ago) our sex life was great and I didn't even really mind that he looked at porn. Now we have sex about 2-3 times a week and he masterbates just about everyday. I feel like it should be the other way around! I have told him that I wish we still had as much sex as we used to but he always tells me he's too tired when I try to initiate sex. Even when we do have sex, like last night for example, I had to go to work after, he mastered to porn not even 10 minutes after I walked out the door. It makes me feel like I am not good enough for him. I NEVER tell him no to anything sexual. I am constantly being told by men that my husband is a lucky man....I just wish he felt that way!!!! I am not trying to sound conceded but I am a very attractive woman (calendar girl/bikini model/spokesmodel) and I love to have sex with my husband and am willing to do just about anything in bed. Am I crazy for wanting my husband to want me instead of porn? I understand that sometimes having sex just isn't an option, in which masterbation makes perfect since, but why does he insist on doing it instead of having sex with me? It really hurts!

 

Another concern of mine is we have only been together three years, married three months. I am young and attractive now, is it just going to get worse as I age and become less attractive? Help!

[Mr. Lucky]

Even when we do have sex, like last night for example, I had to go to work after, he mastered to porn not even 10 minutes after I walked out the door.

I must have missed this episode of CSI. How do you know this happened 10 minutes after you left ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[DazedandConfused66]

I have told him that I wish we still had as much sex as we used to but he always tells me he's too tired when I try to initiate sex. Even when we do have sex, like last night for example, I had to go to work after, he mastered to porn not even 10 minutes after I walked out the door.

 

You have said you've told him you wished for more sex, but have you asked him why he masturbates so much? Have you told him you know that he's masturbating even after sex with you? What kind of porn is he indulging in....anything out of the ordinary 'in-and-out' boy/girl stuff?

 

I guess what I'm asking is I didn't read anywhere in your post that you've addressed his apparent porn addiction directly. That should be your first step. Don't beat around the bush....ask him. If he truly is all those things you described about him, including your best friend, you should get an honest answer. "Being too tired" doesn't cut it if he's whacking off this often.

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

I guess to answer both of your questions....I know he looks at porn (and what time) because he looks at it on the computer, so it's easy to see what and when he looks at things. The porn he looks at is pretty typical, nothing too out of the ordinary or anything I wouldn't be willing to try, which he knows....About confronting him, I know I should. I just thought I should find out if I am overreacting. I don't want to cause a fight for no reason....that is why I thought I would ask you guys first.

 

We have had this conversation before.....the last two months of my pregnancy he wouldn't have sex with me at all and once we were able to have sex about after having my son he still very hesitant. I confronted it about it then....it got better for a while but then just went back to the same old ways.

[michaelk]

We have had this conversation before.....the last two months of my pregnancy he wouldn't have sex with me at all and once we were able to have sex about after having my son he still very hesitant. I confronted it about it then....it got better for a while but then just went back to the same old ways.

 

The porn is not the problem, it's a symptom. He looked at it even when you were having a great sex life. That he seems to be doing it rather than have sex with you isn't because the porn is pulling him away. It's because for some reason he's lost sexual interest in you.

 

The timing says a lot about his reasons. As you yourself point out, it happened during your pregnancy and got progressively worse as you got closer to childbirth. I can see a couple of possibilities here: 1) He now sees you as a mother and in his mind no longer a sexual being, or 2) He finds the physical changes that accompanied your pregnancy unappealing.

 

I don't know which of these is the case, but if he views you as the "calendar girl/bikini model/spokesmodel" that you describe yourself as, it could be #2. Weight gain, stretchmarks, and a saggy tummy could all be turn-offs for him. (I find pregnancy very attractive, but I know many men do not.) If this is indeed his issue, then maybe you both have work to do. You may need to get in better shape, and he definitely needs to grow up and stop expecting you to be physically perfect.

 

On the other hand, if #1 is the case, I'm not sure what to advise you other than perhaps to talk to a counselor together and see if he can't address his issues in this area.

 

Bottom line: See if you can get him to open up about this. He may be afraid to tell you what he's really feeling, but you need to try. Take the focus off of the porn and try to determine what the underlying problem is - then fix that.

[Ladyjane14]

Just because the end result is an orgasm, doesn't mean that intercourse and masturbation are the same thing, and it doesn't mean he's necessarily got a problem with you.

 

His "alone time" might be something he views as just for him... no performance issues, nobody to please but himself. Heck, he might just be relieving his work stress. Who knows?

 

Yeah, some guys get all addicted to porn and wear it out to the point they can't keep it up without specific stimulation anymore. But if you two are doing it 2 or 3 times a week, it doesn't sound like an ED issue or anything to do with his attraction to you.

 

Talk it over with him. What have you got to lose? Hell, any "causes" you've imagined are probably worse than whatever is really going on.

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

I know he finds me attractive....he is always telling me that I need to get back into modeling, I am more fit than I was before, and he thinks I should do fitness modeling.

 

I think you might be right about the first thought though....I always thought that he didn't want to have sex with me while I was pregnant because he found me unattractive, which was probably the case too, but part of it was definately because he felt awkward with our son in my tummy and so close.

 

I hate that he sees me as a "mommy." I purposely asked him not to look at the birth because I have heard that that can turn men off to their wives as well. I just don't understand...how can my being a mom make him not want me sexually. I find him more sexually appealing now that he is a father! I think it is so sexy to see him interact and play with our son. It is soooo frustrating.

[michaelk]

I hate that he sees me as a "mommy." I purposely asked him not to look at the birth because I have heard that that can turn men off to their wives as well. I just don't understand...how can my being a mom make him not want me sexually. I find him more sexually appealing now that he is a father! I think it is so sexy to see him interact and play with our son. It is soooo frustrating.

 

Seeing him as a good father must be appealing because it reinforces that he was a good choice for a mate. From his perspective, seeing you as a mother doesn't work the same way, because men aren't generally wired for child-rearing and nurturing the way women are.

 

When my wife and I had our first child, I found my eye wandering a bit more, and not because she was physically unattractive. In fact, we continued to have plenty of sex. But maybe he feels similarly? And I'm not suggesting he's going to go find another woman - I didn't. But perhaps this is an urge that many men feel.

 

Or maybe now that you're a mother, he associates you with his own mother at some level. I can see how that would interfere with sexual desire.

 

But I'm just speculating here. It sounds like you've hit the nail on head. It's not your physical appearance. It's something about your status as a new mother that's bothering him. Again, I would suggest the two of you talk about that specifically. And maybe a counselor could help.

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

Lady Jane:

 

Thank you for your input. He has been really stressed out at work lately! he hates his job and even gets anxiety on Sundays just thinking about going back to work! Lately he has been snapping at me a little bit and I think it is due to stress.

 

This is my first post on here and it is really helpful. It is really neat to get different peoples objective opinions who help you see aspects of your relationship that you really haven't paid much attention to.

 

I think I am going to try to help him relax (unsexually) and perhaps that will increase his interest in me! I will also TRY to accept his masterbation as his way of escaping reality. At least he's not cheating right?

 

Thank you so much everyone for your input!

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

Michael,

 

You said that you still found your wife attractive after she had your first son but that your eyes still wandered, even though you didn't cheat.

 

Was there anything she could have done to make herself more appealing? Something that might have refocused your attention back to her rather than other women?

 

Does it just get worse or eventually will he go back to telling me that "he has never found anyone so attractive." I would give anything to hear those words from him again.

 

Another thing I started thinking (regarding him perhaps not finding me as attractive as before) is I actually had a reverse effect from the pregnancy....I am skinnier and less curvy than before, which my husband loves curves. I go to the gym regularly but it only seems to be making me skinnier rather than gaining more muscles/curves.

 

I think I will just stick with thinking its his outlook on my new role....that sits with me better!!!!

[learn2live]

Confront your husband about the porn do not beat around the bush. He may have a sexual compulsive issue that he can't help himself with. Check out this site and have him take the test.

 

 

www.saa-recovery.org

[Integra]

Honestly, it probably has absolutely

nothing to do with the way you look,

and everything to do with you being

a new mom..

 

You said, that your H wouldn't have sex

w/you during the last part of your pregnancy.

That is telling in a way. Alot of men, especially

men who have a hot W who is very adventurous

sexually , have problems seperating that woman,

from MOM. Your willing to do most anything in

the BR, good for you. However, here's a thought.

Maybe sometimes your husband has the whole

complex of " Wait, I know what your were doing

last night.. Now your kissing our child w/ that

mouth?!?".. Sound really silly, I know. But there

are men, who really have problems, keeping

the idea that a woman can be a wife and

mother, plus a smoking sex kitty seperate. Men

can be kings of keeping so many things in their

lives in seperate compartments. However, not

this one.. Again, not all men, but many men

have this problem.. That is how the entire

"Madonna/Whore Complex" came about..

 

I would advise. Not confronting your husband.

Confrontation brings on defensiveness and

then you just have a fight and/or nothing

gets solved because the conversation will

stop. You need to talk to your husband, in

a calm but completely honest manner. You

should try asking him, again not in a confrontational

manner, how he feels about you now that you're

a mom.. Gently guide him into the conversation

about motherhood, womanhood, and sex. Let

him know in subtle and not so subtle (wink wink

nod nod) ways that you are still very much

a sexual being. That motherhood has not changed

that within you. Show him, and let him know,

that you are still very interested in sex, that

you are more than capable of being a minx

in the bedroom and still being a mom.

 

I can't guarantee this is your H's problem.

I don't know you personally in RL. However,

if you spend time reading several different

relationship boards, you will see that this is

a very common problem.. Look at it this way,

what boy, young man, grown man, really wants

to think of his "mom" having sex, much less wild

freaky sex.. Now you're "mom".. See what I mean.

[michaelk]

Michael,

 

You said that you still found your wife attractive after she had your first son but that your eyes still wandered, even though you didn't cheat.

 

Was there anything she could have done to make herself more appealing? Something that might have refocused your attention back to her rather than other women?

 

It's been several years, so it's hard for me to put myself back in that mindset, but honestly I think it wasn't so much a matter of what she looked like. It was mostly motivated by the fact that she was giving 95% of her attention to our daughter, and for the first time in our more than 10 years together (at the time) I was playing 'second fiddle' - and a distant second at that! Could she have spent more time on me? Perhaps, but she was going through a very typical first motherhood, where she was completely focused on the new baby. She was so overwhelmed that I couldn't imagine asking more of her. I think it was just one of the ways in which we were utterly unprepared for parenthood.

 

Does it just get worse or eventually will he go back to telling me that "he has never found anyone so attractive." I would give anything to hear those words from him again.

 

Another thing I started thinking (regarding him perhaps not finding me as attractive as before) is I actually had a reverse effect from the pregnancy....I am skinnier and less curvy than before, which my husband loves curves. I go to the gym regularly but it only seems to be making me skinnier rather than gaining more muscles/curves.

 

I think I will just stick with thinking its his outlook on my new role....that sits with me better!!!!

I understand that you're worried about what's happening and how you can resolve it. I don't know what to suggest other than that you need to get the lines of communication open with him on these concerns.

 

Best wishes!

 

MK

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

Michael,

 

Wow! What an eye opener! My husband is used to being the center of my attention. Since our son was born he has definately been moved to the back burner, not on purpose of course. Our son takes up ALL of my time and I definately think that it bothers my husband, but like you, he doesn't exactly say that. That is so interesting now that I am thinking about it.

 

Thank you so much for your help! Understanding at least why he does what he does definately makes it a lot easier to accept and not be so upset.

 

We are going to Vegas at the end of the month without our son (first time away from him)....I will make sure to give my husband lots of extra attention!