True Starter Wife...I left after I found out about OW...H making me pay

[sillygirl32]

[COLOR=black]I am a true starter wife….[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]This is my first time posting on any site. I have read many stories, but would like to know if others have gotten through a situation similar to mine or even just to get other opinions. Here is a brief version of my story.....[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]H and I have known each other 14 years, officially 'a couple' for 11 years and married for 7 of the years. We met in college and shared many mutual friends. (Something you should know is that some of our mutual friends, both guys and girls, thought H was sort of a selfish person). I should mentioned that my mother-in-law and I never really got along – she never really approved of me, not sure exactly why because it seems as though every other mother of men that I dated thought I was a great catch. It seemed as though his family had a lot of issues, but whose family doesn’t??? [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]The first few years of marriage were fine. We had an average sex life (2x a week), hung out together a lot, some communication issues, H had some spending issues, I had some insecurity issues, but overall things seemed pretty normal. H liked his ‘guy’ time 2-3 times a week, so I threw myself into my career during his late nights out without me (I moved to his hometown so I didn’t know many people at first, but after the first full year of marriage and a new job, I met many new friends to hang out with as well). We had, what I would consider, the normal ups and downs of marriage….I thought that we would work hard for a couple of years to get us where we want to be and then life would be full of bliss from then on…..needless to say that H and I didn’t see it the same way – otherwise, I wouldn’t be here posting my story.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Here’s where things get weird: About 3 years ago, H got a prestigious job offer at a great firm. The firm was mostly men in their mid-30s through mid-40s and they were white-collar party people with lots of money burning in their pockets. Most of these guys lived well beyond their means and spent many late nights living it up as if they were still in college. During this time, I was blessed with great news that we were expecting (we had had a miscarriage 2 years prior, which we both were devastated). H was excited until our first ultrasound. After that, H became distant, stayed out late at night with ‘client meetings’, started spending more time at the office and then started turning off his cell phone so I couldn’t reach him. I confronted him several times and finally he said that he thought he was going through a mid-life crisis (he was only turning 30!!!). I gave him some space and the benefit of the doubt throughout my pregnancy. Although it was an extremely lonely and heart-wrenching experience to have to be pregnant with your H’s child and for him to live most of the time as though he was living without you or even the acknowledgement that I was around at times. At other times, H was loving and caring and very supportive. I questioned whether H was bi-polar or in depression caused by the pregnancy. I was told by a counselor that sometimes husbands are not able to handle their wife being pregnant. After the birth of our first beautiful child, things seemed to get back to normal for a few months. But, about 5 months later, H started to go out more and more each week not returning home until very late and then that is when I would wake up at night to find him watching porn on the internet. I confronted him to see what was going on and wanted to know exactly what type of life he wanted to lead. H cleaned up for awhile and things were good on the surface, but then 3 months later, I accidentally stumbled upon a ‘secret’ email account that led to H’s profile on a casual sex/dating website. I confronted H and he lied until I showed him his profile on the computer. H had no excuse, but begged me to forgive him and said that he would go to marriage counseling. We went to MC for two months. Things seemed as though they were getting better. I read so many self-help books on communication and wanted to stay together. H was pressuring me to have another child, but I told him that until I was comfortable in our relationship I wouldn’t try again. A couple odd text messages and phone calls would occasionally ‘pop’ up now and again, but overall, I thought that we were happy. H was not home a lot, but I chalked it up to H working on his career to better our family. 8 months later, we started trying to have a second child. I got pregnant a month later and was so excited. H seemed really excited too, at first. After our first ultrasound, H became distant again and started criticizing me almost daily about everything. I felt as though I was walking on eggshells all of the time. Two weeks later, he came and told me that he thought he was going through another mid-life crisis (he was only 33!!!!) and didn’t know how he felt about anything in his life – including me, but that he swore that their was not another woman involved. He didn’t want to move out or anything, he just asked me to give him some time while he figured things out. I was devastated, but I was not going cry myself through another pregnancy, especially since we also had a 2-year old to think about. So, a month later, after H was barely home at night and on weekends, I hired a PI. The first night out, the PI caught H at a local bar with his secretary (the OW). I confronted H, he denied it and called me crazy insane until I presented him with evidence and then H looked like he was going to throw-up. OW is 9 years younger than H, was hired 3 months prior as his secretary, still works for him, and she is married with no children. H has had NO remorse and wouldn’t talk to me about A or OW, wouldn’t give up OW, was extremely critical of me, blamed me for everything including making his life completely miserable throughout our entire marriage, so I had a choice – either continue to live in this horrible situation or file for divorce. I felt that I had no other choice for myself and my children but to file for divorce.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]From H’s past actions and behavior, I was sure that H wanted out of the responsibility of being a husband and father. He was never around for any of us and, come to find out, that H was having an A during the time that we were trying and did conceive our second child. So, it is now 7 months later, I have given birth to our second beautiful child, which is only a month old now. H has made my life a living hell. He has cut me off financially, is fighting me for custody of our 2 children (the ones that he wasn’t around to help raise), and fighting hard not to have to pay me any child support or alimony and he has said that he is going to have a future with OW and our 2 children. We are currently going through child custody evaluations and he has been around more now than when we were married! Even though I am still grieving for the H that I lost and the marriage that I dreamed of, I am not going to give into this man and his narcissistic ways…. I have gotten myself into therapy, some great support groups, and am focusing on things day to day.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Has anyone been through a similar situation and if so, what was the outcome and how are things now? [/COLOR]

[hot1234]

[COLOR=black]I am a true starter wife….[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]This is my first time posting on any site. I have read many stories, but would like to know if others have gotten through a situation similar to mine or even just to get other opinions. Here is a brief version of my story.....[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]H and I have known each other 14 years, officially 'a couple' for 11 years and married for 7 of the years. We met in college and shared many mutual friends. (Something you should know is that some of our mutual friends, both guys and girls, thought H was sort of a selfish person). I should mentioned that my mother-in-law and I never really got along – she never really approved of me, not sure exactly why because it seems as though every other mother of men that I dated thought I was a great catch. It seemed as though his family had a lot of issues, but whose family doesn’t??? [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]The first few years of marriage were fine. We had an average sex life (2x a week), hung out together a lot, some communication issues, H had some spending issues, I had some insecurity issues, but overall things seemed pretty normal. H liked his ‘guy’ time 2-3 times a week, so I threw myself into my career during his late nights out without me (I moved to his hometown so I didn’t know many people at first, but after the first full year of marriage and a new job, I met many new friends to hang out with as well). We had, what I would consider, the normal ups and downs of marriage….I thought that we would work hard for a couple of years to get us where we want to be and then life would be full of bliss from then on…..needless to say that H and I didn’t see it the same way – otherwise, I wouldn’t be here posting my story.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Here’s where things get weird: About 3 years ago, H got a prestigious job offer at a great firm. The firm was mostly men in their mid-30s through mid-40s and they were white-collar party people with lots of money burning in their pockets. Most of these guys lived well beyond their means and spent many late nights living it up as if they were still in college. During this time, I was blessed with great news that we were expecting (we had had a miscarriage 2 years prior, which we both were devastated). H was excited until our first ultrasound. After that, H became distant, stayed out late at night with ‘client meetings’, started spending more time at the office and then started turning off his cell phone so I couldn’t reach him. I confronted him several times and finally he said that he thought he was going through a mid-life crisis (he was only turning 30!!!). I gave him some space and the benefit of the doubt throughout my pregnancy. Although it was an extremely lonely and heart-wrenching experience to have to be pregnant with your H’s child and for him to live most of the time as though he was living without you or even the acknowledgement that I was around at times. At other times, H was loving and caring and very supportive. I questioned whether H was bi-polar or in depression caused by the pregnancy. I was told by a counselor that sometimes husbands are not able to handle their wife being pregnant. After the birth of our first beautiful child, things seemed to get back to normal for a few months. But, about 5 months later, H started to go out more and more each week not returning home until very late and then that is when I would wake up at night to find him watching porn on the internet. I confronted him to see what was going on and wanted to know exactly what type of life he wanted to lead. H cleaned up for awhile and things were good on the surface, but then 3 months later, I accidentally stumbled upon a ‘secret’ email account that led to H’s profile on a casual sex/dating website. I confronted H and he lied until I showed him his profile on the computer. H had no excuse, but begged me to forgive him and said that he would go to marriage counseling. We went to MC for two months. Things seemed as though they were getting better. I read so many self-help books on communication and wanted to stay together. H was pressuring me to have another child, but I told him that until I was comfortable in our relationship I wouldn’t try again. A couple odd text messages and phone calls would occasionally ‘pop’ up now and again, but overall, I thought that we were happy. H was not home a lot, but I chalked it up to H working on his career to better our family. 8 months later, we started trying to have a second child. I got pregnant a month later and was so excited. H seemed really excited too, at first. After our first ultrasound, H became distant again and started criticizing me almost daily about everything. I felt as though I was walking on eggshells all of the time. Two weeks later, he came and told me that he thought he was going through another mid-life crisis (he was only 33!!!!) and didn’t know how he felt about anything in his life – including me, but that he swore that their was not another woman involved. He didn’t want to move out or anything, he just asked me to give him some time while he figured things out. I was devastated, but I was not going cry myself through another pregnancy, especially since we also had a 2-year old to think about. So, a month later, after H was barely home at night and on weekends, I hired a PI. The first night out, the PI caught H at a local bar with his secretary (the OW). I confronted H, he denied it and called me crazy insane until I presented him with evidence and then H looked like he was going to throw-up. OW is 9 years younger than H, was hired 3 months prior as his secretary, still works for him, and she is married with no children. H has had NO remorse and wouldn’t talk to me about A or OW, wouldn’t give up OW, was extremely critical of me, blamed me for everything including making his life completely miserable throughout our entire marriage, so I had a choice – either continue to live in this horrible situation or file for divorce. I felt that I had no other choice for myself and my children but to file for divorce.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]From H’s past actions and behavior, I was sure that H wanted out of the responsibility of being a husband and father. He was never around for any of us and, come to find out, that H was having an A during the time that we were trying and did conceive our second child. So, it is now 7 months later, I have given birth to our second beautiful child, which is only a month old now. H has made my life a living hell. He has cut me off financially, is fighting me for custody of our 2 children (the ones that he wasn’t around to help raise), and fighting hard not to have to pay me any child support or alimony and he has said that he is going to have a future with OW and our 2 children. We are currently going through child custody evaluations and he has been around more now than when we were married! Even though I am still grieving for the H that I lost and the marriage that I dreamed of, I am not going to give into this man and his narcissistic ways…. I have gotten myself into therapy, some great support groups, and am focusing on things day to day.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Has anyone been through a similar situation and if so, what was the outcome and how are things now? [/COLOR]

Your story is identical to mine right down to the secretary...

[sillygirl32]

what happened??? I'd be very interested to hear how things ended up for you.....

[hot1234]

what happened??? I'd be very interested to hear how things ended up for you.....

Well...after a year and a half seperation the divorce was final...he now realizes that he made the biggest mistake of his life(his words)After we divorced I had as limited of contact as i could with him, started to finally stop hoping he would realize he was a fool and beg me to come back and tried my best to keep busy...well...needless to say he misses his family and all that came with it now that its over...the fabulous single unattached thing got old and so did his mistress...and the sad thing is I thought Id never get through the pain he caused me and that my unbelievable sadness would never end,but now it has and hes too late with his apologies...after the excitement of the affair wears off they start to see that she isnt as fabulous as she had seemed when they were stealing moments and sneaking around.Now it is too late unfortunately...im ok finally thank god...and as much as I still love him I cannot look at him as "mine"anymore ...hes tainted as far as im concerned and Ive come too far to go through that nightmare ever again...and besides im thinkin about becoming a nun...lol...hope you have a more possitive outcome:)

[sillygirl32]

I am so sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience. But I have to say that your story has given me additional strength and encouragement to get through this absolute crazy time in my life. I am glad to hear that you are so strong now and I feel that same way as you about 'Ive come too far to go through that nightmare ever again'. I just get frustrated with his behavior with our children......not sure how to handle it just yet. I try to stay calm and be cordial in front of them, but after my little one is old enough, I would love to have the least amount of contact with STBXH.

 

I have to be honest that I would love for the day that his relationship with OW goes sour.....not sure if I will ever see it happen in my lifetime, but one can only hope.

[Ladyjane14]

I think if I were you, I'd get a better attorney than what he's got. Who knows, from the sound of your post... he might be an attorney himself. If so, he's liable to make mistakes thinking he's all THAT.

 

Then, I'd step back and let my attorney become the target for his emotional aggressions, while I was sweet as a peach... just a woman doing what my lawyer suggested.

 

Type into your browser "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" and read the article you find there. If it was me... I'd do a stellar "Plan A" on this guy. Even if I really didn't want him back, he'd be thinking I did. Because while I was distracting him with the "let's be friends and work through this" routine, I'd have my attorney raping him up his ass.

 

A distraught and angry STBXW is the GLUE which binds a WH (wayward husband) to his mistress. She unites them by presenting herself as their mutual foe. You can take the bullseye off your forehead and keep them confused by playing innocent and acting stupid, just a poor, confused mother-of-two muddling along as best she can.

 

Play your cards right, and when the dust is settled, you'll have left him in nothing but his skivvies wondering how the hell it happened.

[sillygirl32]

LJ14, Thanks for the insight. I am hoping that my attorney will be able to get the job done. And I have definitely let him take the brunt of a lot of the abuse that has been thrown my way.

 

I actually tried to apply 'Plan A' for the first couple of months after I found out about A, but to no avail.....I even tried to truly "work through as friends" but he just uses any opportunity to insult me and try to turn it around in his favor. I actually am doing much better since we are now only communicating through our attorneys.....I can see this going on for awhile. Over the past few weeks, I have defintely found my standing ground and I am able to email/discuss things with him without getting emotional...I have never confronted the OW and barely discuss anything but our children with the STBXH. I have been told that he lacks emotion and will not ever be understanding or reasonable and that he is only fighting me so hard because he wants to get back at me and hurt me. I personally think that it also has to do with money.... I don't think he thinks he owes me anything, but he actually thinks that I OWE HIM!!! I am definitely cordial to him in regards to the kids and I am starting to not let anything he does or say really bother me anymore. Although I think that the OW is starting to put on the pressure. She calls him several times while he is here visiting our children. Not sure what she type of hold she has on him......

[Gunny376]

The good news? Is that I figure that your between 29 and 33!

 

Granted?

 

You've invested 11 years of your life with this loser. But the lessons learned were well worth the investment of time, effort, energy, money.

 

Now? You've got a clearer picture of not only what you're looking for in a man ~ a relationship? But also more importantly what you're not looking for!

 

Once you've gone through this? Most of us can see "red-flags" all over some loser! And the really good news? You build up a certain amount of tolerance and immunity to people's BS!

 

Its doubtful that he will get custody of the children, 90% of the time? Custody is awarded to the mother, primarly because men don't fight for custody. (Although they {men} do get custody 90% of the time when they do fight for custody)

 

But, the judges and courts see through this BS quicker than a grass passes throug a cow. It doesn't take a lot to prove who the primary care-giver has been and is? And it doesn't take a drunken idiot to see that the DH's primary motivation is get out of paying child support ~ etc.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about losing custody ~ although I would keep it in the forefront. For you to lose custody you'd just about have to be a mega hit porn star with multiple arrests for prostitution and a proven drug habit!

 

Now if your Brittney Speer's ~ that's another story ~ but you would just about have to act like her flakey azz to lose your custody battle ~ that's the least of your worries.

 

Be "nice" ~ like you've been being!

 

Be "friendly!" ~ like you've been being!

 

Be "fair" ~ like you've been being!

 

Be "FIRM" like you've been being!

 

And you should come out alright the otherside of this mess!

 

Meanwhile? Work on getting your head and azz wired backed together. Learn how to walk and talk again ~ and most of all? Learn how to trust again ~ not all men are azzhats!

 

Right now?

 

Breave damnit!

 

BREAVE!

 

Its learning ~ re-learning how to exhale that's the hard part!

 

As in ~ exhaling ~ DAMN!!!! THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE!

 

NOW?

 

Get your happy ass out there! Rub a little sunshine on your face! Put a smile on your face! And get your happy azz busy living your Life!

 

"Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!" Abe Lincoln

[Ladyjane14]

You know, I read through your first post again... and this might just be my rather florid imagination, but I'm starting to wonder what the OW's status is in terms of fertility. (????)

 

From what you've said, it sure looks like he's been fooling around since your first pregnancy... and as weird as it sounds, it almost looks like he's used you as a brood mare for the second child.

 

In cheating terms, it's not unusual for guys to get freaked out and anxious when they start a family, and then turn that energy outside the marriage. More often than not, these kind of guys don't even realize that they're acting out of anxiety and escapism. They think they're "in love".

 

What IS unusual though is that he deliberately sought to have more children with you... all the while it looks like he was cheating at the time.

 

I'd guess that there are either multiple OWs over the last couple of years or one long-standing EMR, but I have to wonder if whoever he's involved with right now might not be making a bid to raising your babies as her own. Sounds Machiavellian, I know... but the world offers us strange stories sometimes.

 

More likely, it's a whole lot more simple and maybe this guy just regards children more as possessions rather than people. No matter what the case, he sounds like a lousy husband and a lousy father, because he's certainly not acting in the best interest of these kids. It would seem you're well shut of him, but I can't blame you for being worried about your babies. I think I might put that P.I. back to work, digging up the dirt, if I were you.

 

There's a couple of possibilities in why he's treating you so badly. The first and most obvious of course, is that he's just a soulless a*hole who wants to control everything and everyone around him. In that case, you get the last laugh on the OW.

The other is that sometimes a guy who's really not too sure of his choices and maybe feeling somewhat guilty, will fight tooth and nail because on the inside, he's insecure about what he's doing. A guy like that looks self-assured from a distance, but in reality, his resolve is crumbling and he's vulnerable to backsliding back into the marriage.

 

Anyway, there could be lots of things going on. I still think it's wise to keep your hands clean, as you've been doing, and allowing your attorney to take the heat. Fight for your kids though. Any way you slice it, this guy doesn't seem to have his head on straight.

[sillygirl32]

Thanks LJ14 & Gunny for your thoughts. Much appreciated.

 

Here is my thought - I truly believe that H was able to completely compartimentalize (sp?) his life. We had some really close friends who recently were getting a divorce due to an affair where the W found out because the OW became pregnant with her H child. The W couldn't forgive so she filed for divorce and when I mentioned it to my H, he said "That is horrible. Aren't you so glad that you are married to me?" I honestly think that he just wanted to have both....a double life, to be married to me with our children and then the OW in his fantasy world.

 

I think now that there may have been other OW in his life over the past few years, but I think that this one was closer to home than the rest of them. And yes, I have thought about the OW wanting to move right into my family and that thought alone makes me sick! But, at the end of the day, I can only control my life and not those of my H and the OW. At this point, I believe that I deserve better and that if H truly loved me and wasn't so selfish, then he wouldn't have done these things.

 

I am going to just keeping taking things day by day, fight for my kids and thank God that I am still young. Thanks for all of the insight.

[GirlZilla]

WOW.....I accidently found my husbands account at Adult Friend Finder's with all his fetishes and sexual fantasies noted. He was signed up to find a local lover in our area. I didnt confront him right away but he noticed I was different. To make a long story short, after I confronted him about it months later...he told me "well either you get over it or we split everything 50/50". Well, I left....lol! I sorta felt silly leaving over that...but after hearing your story, it was probley a sign of things to come. The trust was gone.....Thanks for the story! Good luck!

[sillygirl32]

So sorry to hear your story. I am so naive (CORRECTION - I WAS so naive, but not anymore!). I had never even realized that there were such sites as Adult Friend Finder (which is the site that my H had a profile on too) until all of this mess. Don't feel silly at all!!!!! I will never not trust my instinct from now on....I was going to leave after I found his profile but he convinced me that he loved me enough that I stayed and tried to work it out - thinking that it was mostly my fault that my H would need to find some outside attention; however, I really did work on myself and our relationship and now I realize that he is just selfish. After I filed for divorce, he actually told me that he was furious with me because I loved him so much....

 

For both of you and I, I hope that what comes around, goes around.

[Melovator]

SG you don't sound that silly. You sound like you're trying to do everything to keep your dignity intact in an obviously trying situation. Good on you. Your ex is a jerk. Children are not chattels, they are little people.

[Ladyjane14]

Here is my thought - I truly believe that H was able to completely compartimentalize (sp?) his life. We had some really close friends who recently were getting a divorce due to an affair where the W found out because the OW became pregnant with her H child. The W couldn't forgive so she filed for divorce and when I mentioned it to my H, he said "That is horrible. Aren't you so glad that you are married to me?" I honestly think that he just wanted to have both....a double life, to be married to me with our children and then the OW in his fantasy world.

 

I think now that there may have been other OW in his life over the past few years, but I think that this one was closer to home than the rest of them. And yes, I have thought about the OW wanting to move right into my family and that thought alone makes me sick! But, at the end of the day, I can only control my life and not those of my H and the OW. At this point, I believe that I deserve better and that if H truly loved me and wasn't so selfish, then he wouldn't have done these things.

 

I am going to just keeping taking things day by day, fight for my kids and thank God that I am still young. Thanks for all of the insight.

 

 

Good attitude, SG. Atta-girl! :bunny:

[sillygirl32]

Thanks for everyone's support and feedback. I still have those really rough days - today is one of them. I am trying to stay positive, but sometimes it is really hard.

 

The STBXH brought our child over early with Breakfast and said "I called you to see if you wanted anything, but you didn't answer." This is the type of stuff that he does all the time and then he backstabs me/racks me through the mud with his attorney.

 

He won't agree to any custody schedule, so we are on a day to day basis with him contacting me several times throughout the day. I stopped talking to him via phone a month ago, so I am letting everything go through email so I have some type of documentation. I can't go completely 'no contact' because he has in-home visits with our younger child, so I am just being cordial to him.

 

This is still a nightmare!!! He doesn't think that I have a life now b/c he is constantly wanting to change, at the last minute, the times he sees our children. I have news for him - there is accomodation, but it has to be on both of our parts. I was tired of being a wife and mom only at his convenience and I won't put up with that anymore.

 

Meanwhile, I am trying to remain calm and just keep thinking to myself that he would have never done these things if he had truly loved me. Plus - It didn't help that he has had NO REMORSE what-so-ever. There was nothing in our relationship that we couldn't work on together, but with all his actions over the past two pregnancies and then finding out about this OW just put me over the edge. I have to have some type of self-respect and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore, especially with him telling me that I was crazy - thankfully, I am not crazy (per my therapist )and I actually feel so much more normal now that I am not "waiting" for him to make some decision.

[Melovator]

It sounds like he's a bit of a control freak and now that he can't control you he's trying to control the situation. It must be eating him up that you're being polite and not providing him with justification for his actions!

 

You're bloody smart making him put everything through your lawyer/ in email and thereby reducing his chances of manipulating truth. IMO it sounds like he had this whole 'big man' fantasy of having the wife and the mistress and when you decided not to play he's transferred the mistress into the wife role- sucked in badly to her because that means there's another vacancy to fill now!

 

You have your eyes on the prize SG: self respect. You can't buy it or borrow it or steal it, you have to earn it, sounds like you've earned yours. HAve some bunnies: you're kicking ass- :bunny: You Rock!

[sillygirl32]

Found out that I am just an over-accomodating, over-understanding, generally way-to-nice girl and that STBXH is a depressed manipulator with pathological and narcissitic tendencies....

 

Although my feelings of being a neglected wife and mother were validated, I feel so sad. I asked the therapist if H was always like this and he said that - unfortunately yes, he is so insecure with himself that he copes with control and manipulation and projects everything onto me. Now I have to decide how to proceed with child custody - I think that I am going to have a battle on my hands. Any advice???

[mourningMM]

He just had a friend...but pretty much else is similar. Changes when children entered the marriage, control issues, selfishness, wierd family dynamics, affluent life style.

 

Bottom line he wanted a trophy but wound up with a wife, two kids, and responsibilities way beyond his capacity to deal emotionally.

 

DO NOT LET THIS GUY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU ANY MORE. Protect your rights and your children's rights.

 

But realize this....as long as your children are alive, he will still be a part of your life and you will be a part of his.

 

Read the wierd story in my posts...maybe something will help. Remember he is the one who had an affair...an adulterer doen't typically get full custody of children.

 

She will never be your children's mother. He will be their father.

 

You will be in my prayers.

[sillygirl32]

thanks mmm.

 

I appreciate your response. I definately understand that he is and will always be the father of my children and I completely respect that and believe that they need their father in their lives. I would never keep our children from him. The custody issue that I am referencing really is only the decision-making for the children rather than time spent. He is very controlling and tends to bully me when decisions regarding their future (i.e. school, church, etc...) need to be made.

[mourningMM]

Maybe you can use this advice. Every time you need to make a decision, say "I need to think on it before I decide" ... or just a polite, "I'm not there yet, you'll have to let me look at it". Or the ultimate " I'll have to check on that, I'll get back to you"

 

Drives my ex crazy. I used to jump on every word or idea, but in reality there is rarely that need to decide (except about medical stuff).

 

If it is about scheduling "I need to check my calendar at work and with my family."

 

If it is about money "I need to look at my budget to see if it will work".

 

If it is about switching times "I've got tentative plans with a friend, I'll need to check back with you. I'll see if I can switch things around to accommodate you"

 

If it is about taxes or such "I have an accountant I've been talking to, let me run it by him"

 

Or if it is legal, "The last time I made a snap decision it didn't work out and my lawyer told me I should sleep on it".

 

Always tell him, that you need to put the kids needs first....because you do. But remember, if you have been the primary care giver for years (based on this thread, I'd bet he never changed diapers, took off for a sick kid, or spent hours on school projects/homework); YOU ARE THE AUTHORITY, he is a newbie.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't give him credit if he is trying to pick up the ball when the kids are with him (or passing it on to the OW?), but you have years of parenting experience on him.

 

If you have a mom or brother or sister, ask them and then make them the heavy. "Mom really laid into me the last time I let you force me to make a snap decision; you know I think she is right".

 

Take your time, take a breath, decide what is right for the kids and for you; then have a cup of tea (or whatever) then sleep on it then finally when you are ready give him an answer.