friends boundries

[johnny]

I've been dating this girl for over three years, we lived together at one point, but moved out after a year, since we both weren't ready to get married. We're technically broke up right now but working toward getting back together. My main issue with her is her friends. Her friends call her any and all the time with their relationship problems (either they had a fight or they're lonely, or they need advice). If she got those calls in the beginning of the relationship, I didn't know since she didn't have a cell phone at the time. Now she's got a cell phone an these people call her all and anytime. It's not that I haven't talked to her about it, she said her friends are important to her and it makes her feel needed and important to be able to help out. She'll get to the point where she'll start crying because she thinks I'm mad at her. I'll end up just giving in and ending the disscussion. My feelings are that these people are dis-respecting me and causing and have caused problems with my relationship. At first it was just a few friends (which she knew before me, so I didn't say anything about it) but now the numbers are growing, since she's getting to know new people at her new job. I feel like it's out of control. About two years ago, I didn't say anything when a guy friend called to talk to her about his girlfriend problems and now they talk all the time and have become in her words 'bestfriends'. I'm not against guy and girls being friends but I would never want to have a negative impact on a friends relationship. There also seems to be a double standard, since I started hanging out with a girl friend from work(to talk about my relationship problems) and was told I was dating her. It's a messed up situation, I like this girl and could see a future with her if only we could resolve the friends issue.

 

Help!!

[yes]

When she's with you, her cell phone should be on silent, with the voice mail turned on. When she's without you, it's up to her.

 

Friends of all genders are OK as long as they don't damage the r/s. I think if you resolve the cell phone issue, the friends issue will resolve itself.

 

that's my view!

 

good luck,

-yes

[johnny]

Thanks but it's not that simple,

 

for example last week a girlfriend from worked called while I was at her apartment (when things where getting intimate), she started with the cell phone which she promptly ignored two times then she rang her home phone which she also ignored but picked up on the fourth time for fear that it was something bad. The friend aparently had a fight with her boyfriend and was very emotional about it, she managed to calm her down fairly quickly but told the girlfriend that if her boyfriend didn't call they'd get together that night. I was a bit surprized about it, not that I was planning on spending the night but... I asked If I now had a time limit? She said she'll calm down and he'll call. However, the tone of the evening changed and I soon found myself being escorted out the door, with the excuse she had school work to finish(which wasn't an issue when I called to come over). Again, I said everything seem to change with the phone call, which again brought on tears and attitude of 'your mad at me'. I left very confused, the next day I found out that the girlfriend did come over that evening and the boyfriend called in the morning. Great she saved yet another relationship, and pissed off her guy in the same evening.

 

Thanks

[yes]

Well, perhaps you should talk to her & explain that if her friends' r/s's come first, before her own, - that that makes you feel terribly unspecial, and while it's nice of her to be so kind, you have needs that need to be fulfilled, also!...

 

-yes

[johnny]

I like your answer and I totally agree, but she'll take it as an ultimatium. She'll also point out that technically were not in a relationship(were broke up). From my understanding her friends don't know I'm back in the picture, since were still intimate, she said she doesn't want anyone to judge her (I think she's a little old for that). I actually think she bad mouth'd me so much to her friends that she's embaressed to say were trying to work it out.

I'd actually love to give her friends a piece of my mind for getting us to this situation, but I know that's the wrong thing. So here I sit on my fence..trying to figure this thing out.

 

Thanks

[yes]

Then perhaps you should say something to the point of:

"if u're really trying to work things out with me, i think i'd be appropriate to let your friends know, as I have let know mine, so that they respect our boundaries".

 

As you can see, one thing leads to another, and nobody here has the full picture, so be careful to consider everything unknown to me...

 

-yes