- BF got into email and found historical msgs from ex

[feelingverystupid]

I am in shock and desparate for advice. After years of horrible relationships and dating mostly idiots, I am finally in a good relationship with a wonderful man (1.25 years now) and in a good place, and I love him very much. We seem to have settled into the old married couple routine partly because of our demanding jobs and schedules - so basically share dinner together and watch tv and go to bed.

 

Forgive for the long story....While on a business trip, I met up with an old ex for my belated birthday dinner. He also brought me presents (perfume, nightgown, earrings) I have a long history with this ex, who has always seems to turn up when I am going through a bad time in my life and is very attention, spoils me and treats me like a lady (manipulative now that I look back). In retrospect, I should have cancelled, but thought it would be ok and innocent. I left after dinner and presents and drove back to my hotel and called my boyfriend to check on him and tell him I had dinner with an old friend and got a birthday present of perfume and it was a little wierd.

 

My BF apparently got a wierd feeling and went into my email account and found a message sent later that night from the ex telling me how great and sexy I looked, especially when I tried on the nightie, and "too bad I didn't try on the panties". I then looked into my email account and find out that I have historical emails (in my sent box I had failed to delete) from the ex detailing years of our history of back and forth. Not sure how much the BF read but enought to be extremely hurt and need to think about what we should do...and I don't blame him, I would be devastated. I haven't met up with the ex in several years and have been with my BF and have no desire to be with the ex...I think I just like the attention and feeling attractive.

 

I don't want to lose my BF and don't know what to do or say, and especially don't want to get caught in a lie. THe truth is that I have made bad relationship choices throughout the years, and the ex was always conveniently around to pick up the pieces (and apparently all detailed in my sent emails - very stupid). Since being with my BF, I haven't been interested in anything else, just realize now that I probably needed some special attention. I feel horrible. What should I do to convince my BF he is the one for me?

 

Thanks for listening.

[WaterTiger]

I'm sorry for being so harsh here but..you ARE stupid! How could you EVER think it would be OK to meet up with an ex and get gifts when you are with someone who you describe as wonderful??? What were you thinking????? You already lied when you said you had dinner with an old friend. It wasn't an old friend! It was a man you used to SLEEP WITH!

 

You said yourself he was manipulative! He's trying to break up your relationship! He wants you miserable so you'll come back to him. Throw that perfume away too!

 

Why are you even in contact with your ex? Block his emails! Refuse his calls! Cut off ALL contact with him. And delete those damn emails! Why did you keep them?

 

 

And PRAY your new boyfriend forgives you.

[Pentula77]

better hope ur boyfriend isn't a sparten....

[LakesideDream]

Hmmm... this comes up quite often, however it's usually the lady snooping on the male who just happens to be having dinner with an "ex". The condemnation is nearly universal, suggesting dropping the jerk, knowing he will never be trusted again etc.

 

It will be interesting reading, to see if there is a double standard in place.

[BlueEyedSarah]

How would you feel if your boyfriend met up with he's ex and lied to you by saying its an 'old friend'? If your boyfriend forgives you and carrys on the relationship with you he's trust in you wont be 100%. You better do all you can to help your boyfriend overcome he's trust issue with you.

[sb129]

Dinner itself isn't the biggest deal in the world, although given your history with the ex, I probably would have cancelled, as my BFs feelings would take priority over those of an ex.

My BF has had to have dinner with his ex recently, but it was because they were both in the wedding party of some mutual friends of theirs, and it wasn't dinner a deux, it was a large group.

 

However, the biggest problem I have with your situation is this:

Did you actually TRY on the nightgown in front of your ex?

 

If so, then you deserve all the suspicion your BF is throwing your way, how dumb is that?

 

The guy gave you a nightgown, which is an inappropriate gift to give another mans GF. You took it one step further and tried it on?

What kind of messages does that give both men?

 

You are going to have to work very hard to regain your BFs trust after this. He has no idea whether you slept with the ex or not, and the signs would point to you doing so, and even if you didn't its going to be very hard to convince your BF otherwise.

 

You should have deleted all the emails a long time ago, there is no point keeping stuff like that if you are in a new R.

 

And you have learnt that the hard way. i would say unfortunately, but I rather think you have made your own bed in this scenario, and my sympathy levels are not high.

[sb129]

Your ex isn't the one totally to blame here.

 

You accuse him of being manipulative- but YOU could have controlled whether he "manipulated" you by simply declining his dinner invitation.

 

I have a long history with this ex, who has always seems to turn up when I am going through a bad time in my life and is very attention, spoils me and treats me like a lady (manipulative now that I look back).

 

 

You have a long history with this man, hence you know what he is like as a person, and you most likely knew that he would shower you with compliments and a gift as it was around the time of your birthday.

 

You act like HIS behaviour was at fault, and you are surprised at how he acted, when really, you encouraged it all. You must have known how he would behave.

He has no obligations to your BF, but you do.

 

I agree that the ex acted inappropriately, but you allowed him to do so, which means most of the blame lies squarely on your shoulders.

[feelingverystupid]

Thanks for all the honesty and complete bluntness. I have already run it through my stupid head and keep replaying it. I completely deserve all of it and more, and make no excuses, it is entirely my fault. I have thrown everything out and am praying that my BF can find it in his heart to forgive me and trust me once again someday. I deleted all correspondence and contact info.

 

I screwed up a very good thing, and from how I feel about myself and actions all your comments (deservedly so), it sounds like it would a good idea for me to get into counseling again and learn why I chose to do this, other than I exercised poor judgement and was/am really "f'ng" stupid. And, you are right... if the shoe were on the other foot, I really don't know what I would do in the situation, I would like to think I would forgive and try to learn from it (easier said than done).

 

I can only pray for right now and hope he will have me back. I am not looking for sympathy and obviously do not deserve it. Just hoping for any advice, other than the obvious and a flicker of hope. Thanks again

[Krytie TV]

Did you really try on the nightgown for the ex?

[serial muse]

However, the biggest problem I have with your situation is this:

Did you actually TRY on the nightgown in front of your ex?

 

Right - this is the part where I nearly stopped reading in shock. Seriously?? You didn't just accept that inappropriate gift, you tried it on?!? And it NEVER occurred to you that that's NOT OK?

 

I already think that going to dinner with an ex without at least telling your SO beforehand is a big no-no - but this is something that seems so far outside of the pale that I wonder whether, in fact, you were actually considering cheating. Maybe just a kiss? Just to feel good about yourself.

 

That's absolutely how it starts.

 

I agree with sb129 that it's going to be hard for your BF to get over this one. I (I'm a woman) don't know if I'd be able to go on with my SO in such a situation. It's just not a trustworthy thing to do, there's nothing innocent about it. It suggests that if/when the relationship is in a tough spot, you'll go even further. It's more than a lack of judgment - a lack of judgment is deciding to secretly go to dinner. Trying on the nightgown is something you did for the thrill, and I can't for the life of me think of any way that you could rationalize such a thing to yourself so that it's a reasonable thing to do. There's no way in which it's okay.

 

You want advice, though, so I'll just tell you how I'd feel if I were in your BF's shoes. Have you come COMPLETELY clean with him about your history and feelings about this ex? Are you willing to answer all his questions and make your life an open book to him? That's really all you can do at this point. If he does decide to give staying together a try, earning his trust back is going to be a tough one, and you'll need to be proactive about it. Any emails from the ex - tell him. Call often if you're out without your BF. That sort of thing. So that he knows you're serious about it. I don't know what else to tell you, except that you may need to chalk this one up to a learning experience. It's hard, but when you think about it - it's that much harder for your BF. Sorry to be harsh.

[dbtmarley]

I would drop your wonderful boyfriend so he can find someone as wonderful as he.

 

I have a bunch of obscenities and put downs for you, but you are not worth it.

[starlite]

Yes, the nightie thing...i am very curious about this. You told US that you went to dinner, got gifts and then left...but your ex saw you in this nightie, so you not only lied to your bf, you left out a HUGE part of the story.

 

It was really bad judgement on your part and maybe you should seek help. My ex used to do what you did, spun stories to work out in his benefit...but the truth always comes forward.

[Cobra_X30]

I

My BF apparently got a wierd feeling and went into my email account and found a message sent later that night from the ex telling me how great and sexy I looked, especially when I tried on the nightie, and "too bad I didn't try on the panties".

 

I haven't met up with the ex in several years and have been with my BF and have no desire to be with the ex...I think I just like the attention and feeling attractive.

 

What should I do to convince my BF he is the one for me?

 

Ok I have a few items to point out for you.

 

One your BF got a wierd feeling? That means you did or said something to trigger that... or that you have been providing him reasons to distrust you in the past!

 

Plus you tried on the nightie.... which means the ex was where with you exactly? Your hotel room?

 

Now your desire for male attention outside of your relationship is a big problem! Why do you require this kind of attention?

 

There are only a few things you can do or say to get your BF back into the trust bubble. What kind of guy is your BF?

[vnbarnes29]

Honestly you should not had went to dinner with the ex. All men can be manipulative at times but you have to get a better grip on self. The only reason he asked you to go to dinner was to defy your relationship with your BF. He can care less what is going on with you and another man. He he really gave a **** about your happiness why would he jeopardize it. Be smart, women sometimes have a bleeding heart for these bod boys but it was meant for yall to be you in the ex would still be together. There is a reason he is an ex. I know from personal experience when men do finally love they love hard, and don't see the person that they are with step outside of the relationship. Your BF trusted you and if he decides to stay with you, the realationship will be at risk b/c he is going to watching your every move you make. Which will more than likely get on your nerves as times passes. You can come home late and he will assume that something is going on, WHY??? B/c you broke the bond that you and him built

[TryingToHeal3]

You were being naive. It's okay because nothing happened and you do not have any feelings for him, so don't beat yourself up too much. I have been through this and much, much worse. Just shower him with LOVE. Show him in every way that he is the one. Whenever he wants to talk about it, listen very carefully and do not get upset, or sad, or even conversate. Just let him vent. At the end of him venting, let him know how stupid and unfair your actions were and you will never ever compromise your relationship again. He wants to feel secure as we all do in a serious relationship. When we are in love our hearts are fragile and vulnerable. You are the only one that can help him regain his safeness with his feelings regarding you. Just shower him with love. Good Luck sweetie.

[Krytie TV]

You were being naive. It's okay because nothing happened and you do not have any feelings for him, so don't beat yourself up too much. I have been through this and much, much worse. Just shower him with LOVE. Show him in every way that he is the one. Whenever he wants to talk about it, listen very carefully and do not get upset, or sad, or even conversate. Just let him vent. At the end of him venting, let him know how stupid and unfair your actions were and you will never ever compromise your relationship again. He wants to feel secure as we all do in a serious relationship. When we are in love our hearts are fragile and vulnerable. You are the only one that can help him regain his safeness with his feelings regarding you. Just shower him with love. Good Luck sweetie.

 

You make it sound so... easy, and harmless

[reservoirdog1]

Naive? Come ON. She went out to dinner with an ex-boyfriend, received his I-want-to-nail-you gifts of perfume, earrings and a nightie, without telling him they were inapproriate. And then MODELED the f'ing nightgown for the ex-boyfriend for chrissakes! I'd love to know how that came about. Where did this "meet up" happen? In his hotel room or home? (I was kind of shocked to NOT read "I just tripped while naked and landed on his d*ck.") And now she realizes that this was all because she needed "special attention"!

 

FVS, what you've done was about a hair's breadth away from cheating, assuming nothing more happened than what you posted. That, plus your BF reading the still saved emails from this ex-BF? When he read the "too bad you didn't try on the panties" line, I'll bet your BF almost swallowed his tongue. In his position, do you REALLY think he had to do some mental gymnastics to conclude that you the ex were boning each other all night?

 

If you want to save your relationship, you're going to have to bend over backwards to fix this. Go through your computer, with your BF sitting beside you, and sanitize it. Delete every memento of previous relationships. Send the ex-boyfriend an email, again with your BF sitting beside you, and inform him that there will be no further contact between the two of you. Period. Then, work your ass off to make it up to your boyfriend and regain his trust.

 

Of course, if you don't want to fix your relationship with your BF, then at least have the class to cut him loose BEFORE you go looking for "special attention" from another guy.

[Kamille]

I wonder if you would have gotten a different type of responses if you hadn't posted in the indifelity forum.

 

But like everyone else, I am really curious to know... did you really try on the nightgown? It does sound like you let yourself get carried away in a game of seduction.

[dbtmarley]

Maybe your ex boyfriend works for Victoria Secret and designs their lingerie/nightgown line...

 

If I was your current boyfriend I would be hard pressed to believe something more did not happen in the Holiday Inn... but then again I'm insecure when it comes to my woman modeling a man's new lingerie/nightgown line that he just designed and happens to be staying at the local Motel 6 so she can try it on.

[squeak]

Also, Do you really understand why you were driven to do something that put your relationship in jeopardy?

Is this something you are willing to work on for the next relationship?

Because it will happen again and again, if you don't fix your deeper issues.

 

I'm not sure if you really comprehend the weight of this, or if it was just because your BF caught you?

 

People who only feel bad when caught will never learn, and it is best if he stays away from you until you figure that out for yourself.

[squeak]

Squeak, thats hitting a little harder than I've ever seen from you.

 

Honestly, I think your correct that she is gone. I'd be more than willing to help give her insight into her BF and how to make things right... but I'm not sure that's what she wants.

 

Your 110% correct though!

 

You're right Cobra, I tried to edit it but too much time had passed, so I re-wrote the post underneath.

 

I just want her to understand herself first and foremost, aside from the damage to the relationship, but it came off so harsh. Sorry Original poster, see my 2nd post and ignore the original.

[Cobra_X30]

You're right Cobra, I tried to edit it but too much time had passed, so I re-wrote the post underneath.

 

I just want her to understand herself first and foremost, aside from the damage to the relationship, but it came off so harsh. Sorry Original poster, see my 2nd post and ignore the original.

 

She's gone. I doubt it matters much.

 

For what its worth. I think your right. I think poeple that need attention on that level have massive self esteem issues. Most cheaters do!

 

OP Needs to do some soul searching.

[mental_traveller]

...the ex telling me how great and sexy I looked, especially when I tried on the nightie, and "too bad I didn't try on the panties".

 

ROFL - you tried on a nightie in front of your ex, and you expect your bf to forgive you? Are you sure you didn't ask your ex to help with your kegel exercises too?

 

If you absolutely *must* get him back, then there is only one thing for it - go over there, wearing no underwear, strip in front of him and say "Ok baby, you got me for 48 hours, I'll do any fantasy you want" and pray that he thinks with his dick rather than his brains!

[RecordProducer]

I don't see that you did anything so wrong, if your post didn't omit some important juicy details. If you didn't flirt with your ex in your recent emails, then it's no biggie. I understand that he is upset, but it's not a matter of life and death for the relationship.

 

I have an intuitive feeling that your relationship is not as perfect as you want to convince yourself that it is. I have a feeling that he is holding all the cards and you're afraid to oppose him, because you might lose him - or so you think.

[jophil28]

I don't see that you did anything so wrong,

Possibly not where you hail from, but down here on Earth it means that she cheated.