Wife told me she cheated when we were engaged.....

[HowToCope]

Background:

 

My wife and I met in college. She was a freshmen (towards the end of the year), and I was a junior. I have had one serious relationship before her, a girl I dated through 3 years of high school and a few months into college. She had never had a serious boyfriend before. We took it relatively slow, and eventually did get into a sexual relationship. She had never had sex before, but I had with my previous commitment. Our relationship overall was great, and we had a lot of fun together.

 

I graduated one year before her, and took a job near our home towns, which of course was around 550 miles from our college. During the summer before her last year at school, we got engaged. We had a bit of rocky year, which I kind of expected considering we were doing the long distance thing. It was tough knowing that she was there hanging out with friends etc (most of which were guys since it was an engineering school). But anyway, I thought things went okay, and overall they did.

 

After she graduated, she got a nice job offer in another state, so I found a job and we moved in together. A year later, we were married, and another year later we moved out of our apt and into a house. We have had our ups and downs like any married couple. Sex has been an issue on and off. She never seemed THAT into it although she was always willing to participate. I just chalked it up to the fact that her parents had beaten it into her that "sex was bad".

 

Anyway, we've been married for almost 10 years now, and together for something like 14. A few nights ago we were having a few drinks, and for some reason I asked her if she ever messed around with "Mike" while she was in school. Mike was a guy that her friends were trying to hook her up with in her final year of school. She really wanted no part of it. She said no, but..... and got a grin on her face. I said "WHAT???"..... so she told me.

 

A week or so before the end of her school year (Keep in mind we were engaged that whole year), she was in some friends dorm room having a few drinks. It was her, two guys, and one of the guys girlfriends. The "couple" kicked them out since his girl was there, so the remaining two went down to her room (a bit tipsy) to watch TV. It was a guy she knew somewhat well, had some classes with him, etc. I knew him as well when I was in school. One thing led to another, they wound up kissing, and eventually had sex (which she said was really bad, lasted 10 seconds, etc.).

 

She thought it wouldn't bother me now, considering it had been so long, and that's the only reason she told me. When I asked why she hadn't told me before, she said it didn't mean anything, it was a stupid mistake, she regretted it, etc. However, she did mention that in one way, she was a little bit happy that it happened because she had never been with another guy sexually.... and she really hadn't made out with anyone much either. She said now she didn't have to wonder how different it would have been, or always wonder if other guys were a lot better than me or something.

 

The problem is, this was 3 weeks ago, and it is bugging the hell out of me. I trusted her completely, I NEVER thought she was even capable of doing something like that. You have to know her, but she ALWAYS does the right thing. She said it was partly to blame on the alcohol, which I can understand, but she also said she wasn't totally drunk and she was aware of what was happening.

 

I can't help but feel like she wasn't absolutely and totally in love with me. It really bums me out and I'm horribly disappointed. Now my happy memories of college make me think of her cheating on me. Any time our school comes up in conversation, it makes me think of it. When we have sex, it pops into my mind sometimes.... I picture her with him.

 

I never thought this would be us, she has apologized profusely and knows how bad it is making me feel.... but I can't seem to stop feeling this way. I keep thinking that it was only one darn week before she graduated, in fact I went to see her graduate with her family, never knowing this happened only days before (She wasn't sure HOW many days, it could have been the day before I saw her!) Couldn't she go a few more days!?!?!?! I just can't understand. It's just not like her AT ALL to do something like that.

 

When I ask her why (and believe me, I have asked A LOT over the last few weeks), she really can't answer. She just said they were having fun, and it just kinda happened. She says it wasn't pre-meditated, she didn't expect anything to happen when they went to her room. (I bet he did, but that's another story). She said she had pretty much blocked it out of her mind and doesn't remember many details. She specualtes that she might have let it happen once it started mainly because she had never been with another guy, it was her last days of school, etc etc etc, and knew I would never find out.

 

Am I wrong to be feeling this way? Should I just drop it totally?

 

Thanks for any help.

[sao2]

You have much more experience with long term relationships and being married than I do so I will just say what I hope I would do in a similar situation.

 

I know that it sucks . . . but considering it was so long ago, before you were married, you were having problems that year, and now it is a non-issue. Are you willing to let something that happened years ago affect your present situation? It was a lifetime ago. I think you should just let it be. You may be able to get some "special treatment" out of it.

 

I wouldn't say you are being silly, because I would also be upset, the issue is, do you still want to spend your life with her? Can you trust her despite this event that happened 14 YEARS AGO?

 

It seems to me like you and your wife have something special and something that you would regret losing if you did lose it over this. Just my opinion.

[niceguy27]

I would be upset too but look at like how sao2 did. It was a long time ago and imagine what things would be like if you did split or something happened NOW?? I would fear that a lot more than coming to terms with something that happened so long ago. Look into your heart and forgive her if you want to get past this.

[HowToCope]

I hear what you are saying, in fact that really is how I feel (Although it was 10 years ago that it happened, not 14). I just feel like I have lost something that I thought I had. I do love her, and I can't imagine life without her, in fact we had just gotten ourselves through a tough time recently where things were not looking great.

 

I feel this way 90% of the time, but the 10% is REALLY REALLY hard In fact, I just can't get my mind off it sometimes.

 

Oh - yeah, and the special treatment thing is true ;-) But I would give it up in a minute if she could somehow take it back.....

 

I need a serious lesson in forgive and forget. I don't want "us" to be different now than before I knew about it. We went out Wednesday night and saw an AWESOME concert that I surprised her with, and it was great - until I had one drink too many and brought it all up again

[FooledOnce]

Man, that really stinks. My gf (or ex) and I have only been with each other and her 'purity' and faithfulness is very important to me. I would think time would heal your wound. Especially if there is love. Omnia vincit Amor, right? Err, nevermind.

 

Just a fun quote I thought of (Picture of Dorian Gray)

 

"What could atone for that? Ah! for that there was no atonement; but though forgiveness was impossible, forgetfulness was possible still, and he was determined to forget, to stamp the thing out, to crush it as one would crush the adder that had stung one."

[DazedandConfused66]

I'm sorry for the loss of your memories. I know that hurts. You have a right to be hurt.

 

There's an old saying that says if you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question. There's another saying that something once done can't be undone.

 

You are grieving this "image" you had of being the only man with your wife since you've known her. That image was false. It's natural for you to grieve over this loss and have feelings of being duped. The mental images you have, however, are likely far, far worse than what she actually did.

 

If I were in your shoes, I think the biggest tipoff here was that she smiled when you asked her the question. Either that means she remember the incident fondly or it means she thinks it was silly and it was an embarrassed grin. Whether you want to know the details about the incident or not, and whether or not she can actually remember them, is up to you. You deserve to have any questions of infidelity, even if it was 10 years ago when you were "just engaged" answered truthfully.

 

Ultimately, it sounds like she had a high enough trust of you and your relationship that has been built over 10 years to believe that the incident in question was insignificant and of no consequence. That trust can open up many avenues of healing. Whether YOU feel the same way is up to you. There are consequences to a partners infidelity and you are experiencing them. I'm not sure the normal course of action (MC, etc) is really relevant here, but certainly, you need to understand that your own feelings on the matter are 100% justified and that you may need help dealing with the feelings of betrayal, anger and sadness that comes from having your memories ripped apart like this.

[bish]

Howtocope,

Take it from someone whose ex-wife cheated when we were engaged also....GET AN ANNULMENT as soon as you can!!! If she cheated when you were engaged, she will cheat again.

 

You don't need someone that thought so little of your committment to her that she spread her legs for another man when your engagement ring was on her finger.

 

TRUST ME MAN! You do not want to spend the rest of your life with her. You WILL regret it.

[bish]

Sorry, didn't see how long ago this happened....so I guess ANNULMENT is out of the question.

 

Sorry man, you are in a tough spot to say the least. I can't believe she told you she wanted to see if there was someone better than you. That is inexusable. You ought to tell her that since she cheated on you, that you are entitled to a one night stand on the side and see what she says.

 

And I bet he wasn't the only guy she screwed around with while you were engaged.

 

And if you decide to stay with her, one thing is for sure...those friends of hers from college that tried to set her up when they KNEW she was engaged should never be allowed in your home and I sure as hell wouldn't want them coming to visit, or her visit them, and going out on a night on the town.

[whichwayisup]

Go to marriage counselling and fix this before it ruins your marriage.

 

Just because this happened while you two were engaged, doesn't mean it will happen in the future, but there always is a chance. How are things day to day (before you found out), in the bedroom? Are you two romantic, do you spend alot of time together? Or does she go out without you in the evenings with her friends? Bish's situation is completely different than yours, his wife was continually going out with her girlfriends and crashing at their houses...He trusted her, and she led him to believe it was just ladies night out.

 

I'm not saying don't trust her now, but if things are good between you, then think about a second chance here. She also has to understand how you feel. Betrayed, hurt, angry...Loss of trust and faith. IF she can show you in action and in words how much she loves YOU and is happy she married you, then hopefully together you two can work through this and come out stronger.

[HowToCope]

Okay, let me reply to all of this one by one:

 

FooledOnce:

Thank you, I appreciate your thoughtful response.

 

DazedandConfused66:

She thinks it was silly and it was an embarassed grin.... I'm pretty sure of that. If she thought it would bother me, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have told me. It's obvious the trust is there between us. Oh, and you know what? I'm not really grieving the fact that she has now been with another guy besides me - after all, I have been with another girl before her - what bothers me is really what Bish said - that she violated our commitment, and that really hurts because it makes me wonder if she was really in love with me at the time. But I guess does it matter? She married me, and we have a good relationship now.

 

I wish you guys could know her, she is SO the opposite of a slutty get drunk and have a one night stand kinda girl. There is no doubt in my mind it won't happen again.

 

 

Bish:

The thing that is really hurting me is what you said about commitment. We had a commitment to each other, and I feel like she ignored it, which she did. But keep in mind, we were apart from each other for almost a year, and she had always felt bad that she never had a boyfriend until the end of her 1st year in college (me). I think she almost felt "lame" and down that she had only ever been with one guy. I had sex with my previous girlfriend, and she did know about that. In fact when she found out early in our dating, she was like "Yeesh, everyone has done it". She never said she wanted to see if another guy was better than me, she was just curious what it was like to be with another guy- However, from the story she told me (and yes, I believe it), the guy basically took advantage of her. No, she was not so drunk that she didn't know what she was doing, and she could have stopped him - and that's what hurts. But this is not something that she planned out or "sought" to do before the end of college. Wrong place, wrong guy, a little booze, and there you have it.

 

However - I do trust her, I've never worried about infidelity once in our 10 years of marriage. She doesn't stay out late, I pretty much always know where she is, we hang out together for the most part, she doesn't have suspicious phone calls/emails, etc.... she's really just not that type of person - she just made a stupid mistake, and she seems to be profoundly sorry for it. I have been badgering her about it for close to a month now (over-doing it really....) and she has been very patient with me and continues to apologize and tells me she wants to be with me..... but when I ask "why", the only answer I get is "I dunno... it was stupid. I was half drunk, he was flirting with me which made me feel good, and I just kinda went with it. I regretted it pretty much immedately.".

 

whichwayisup:

Marriage counseling? Wow that sounds bad.... I'm almost afraid it would bring up other bad subjects! Maybe it would be good for us though.... I dunno.

 

Yes, we're romantic. We hang out together more than we hang out with others. We do almost everything together (maybe a bit too much..... but we both have a hard time making other friends). No, she is not continually going out with her girlfriends, although she does have a new group at work she hangs out with once in a while, and it usually winds up late - but her story always checks out, and I even hang out with them once in a while as well.

 

This isn't really about a second chance I guess... it's more about how I can cope with it and not make things bad between us. She has been very understanding, and has put up with my whining/crying and pouting, and tried to comfort me as best as possible.

 

However, and I came to this realization today, you hit the nail on the head- She needs to show me how much she loves me and is happy that she married me. She has never been an overly affectionate type of person (even with her close family), and I actually told her this today. I told her she could go a long ways towards making me feel better, by overdoing her love for me.... hugs for no reason, etc etc etc..... and my guess is that will make me feel better and will probably make her feel even closer to me.

 

Sorry for the long winded response, but I do appreciate all your comments!

[bish]

I wish you guys could know her, she is SO the opposite of a slutty get drunk and have a one night stand kinda girl. There is no doubt in my mind it won't happen again.

 

It shouldn't have happened in the first place. My issue is that she smiled when you asked her about it and that she didn't regret it because she wanted to find out if someone else was better at sex than you? Are you freaking kidding me??

 

Bish:

The thing that is really hurting me is what you said about commitment. We had a commitment to each other, and I feel like she ignored it, which she did. But keep in mind, we were apart from each other for almost a year, and she had always felt bad that she never had a boyfriend until the end of her 1st year in college (me).

 

Then she should have broken up with you.

 

 

I think she almost felt "lame" and down that she had only ever been with one guy.

 

So to repay the man that wants to be with her the rest of her life, she spreads her legs for another guy? Sorry to put it like that, but that is exactly what she did.

 

I had sex with my previous girlfriend, and she did know about that. In fact when she found out early in our dating, she was like "Yeesh, everyone has done it". She never said she wanted to see if another guy was better than me

 

Thats not what you said. You said: "She said now she didn't have to wonder how different it would have been, or always wonder if other guys were a lot better than me or something."

 

But I'm not really here to argue what you did and didn't say. I feel for you bro. Nobody should have to put up with betrayal like this.

 

What I have a problem with is her excuses. If she wanted to sow her oats thats what she should have done. She should have broken up with you and done just that.

 

, she was just curious what it was like to be with another guy- However, from the story she told me (and yes, I believe it), the guy basically took advantage of her.

 

Uh huh....is that why she smiled when you asked her about it? I'd have been pissed off that she smiled about it.

 

Sounds to me like she doesn't think it is a big deal. Maybe you should go out and get yours on with someone else and see if she thinks its a big deal or not.

 

No, she was not so drunk that she didn't know what she was doing, and she could have stopped him - and that's what hurts. But this is not something that she planned out or "sought" to do before the end of college. Wrong place, wrong guy, a little booze, and there you have it.

 

Not having it planned out doesn't mitigate the betrayal and disrespect she doled out to you man.

 

However - I do trust her, I've never worried about infidelity once in our 10 years of marriage.

 

Of course you didn't. You had no idea she screwed another guy...and on top of that, apparently a guy you know!!!

 

She doesn't stay out late, I pretty much always know where she is, we hang out together for the most part, she doesn't have suspicious phone calls/emails, etc.... she's really just not that type of person - she just made a stupid mistake, and she seems to be profoundly sorry for it.

 

By smiling about it and making lame excuses? Dude, I'm not trying to get you to wake up or something...I just don't want you to play a fool and be naive about it.

 

Its good that she doesn't go out and stay out late, cuz now that you know she is capable of cheating...that is not the kind of activities she can handle.

 

I have been badgering her about it for close to a month now (over-doing it really....) and she has been very patient with me and continues to apologize and tells me she wants to be with me..... but when I ask "why", the only answer I get is "I dunno... it was stupid. I was half drunk, he was flirting with me which made me feel good, and I just kinda went with it. I regretted it pretty much immedately.".

 

Ok...she was blaming being half drunk and that he was flirting with her....and she said she just "kinda went with it"???? Are you kidding me? She actually said this? THAT right there tells me she cannot be trusted...cuz if she ever does go out...say with "the girls"...then all it will take is a little booze...a man that shows her a little attention and BOOM...according to her own logic. She'll just "go with it".

 

This isn't really about a second chance I guess... it's more about how I can cope with it and not make things bad between us. She has been very understanding

 

She has no choice BUT to be understanding. SHE is the one that cheated, not you.

 

, and has put up with my whining/crying and pouting, and tried to comfort me as best as possible.

 

She has "put up" with it?? Uh...man...SHE is the one that betrayed you...she better damn well put up with it as long as it takes until you get to a point where you don't think about it much anymore...will that happen?...my guess is not...but everyone is different.

 

However, and I came to this realization today, you hit the nail on the head- She needs to show me how much she loves me and is happy that she married me. She has never been an overly affectionate type of person (even with her close family), and I actually told her this today. I told her she could go a long ways towards making me feel better, by overdoing her love for me.... hugs for no reason, etc etc etc..... and my guess is that will make me feel better and will probably make her feel even closer to me.

 

Thats right...she has some major ass kissing to do. She now has to bend over backwards to rectify the wrong she has done.

 

But I am still flabbergasted about the aloof attitude she had towards the whole thing...here you are finding out your fiancee spread her legs for another guy....and she smiles about it and says things like..."I just went with it"....Maybe getting a little angry is in order if this is the kind of attitude she continues to display. If a SO other of mine acted like it was some sort of joke, she'd be out the door.

[LakesideDream]

Howtocope, I read, and re-read your original post. I was married for 25 years, and I can assure you that what my now-ex wife did while we engaged, before we were married was the least of the problems we suffered, in fact it was a "non-issue". In some cultures, the "last fling" is a tradition.

 

I would suggest that you toughen up, and live in the present,. Throwing away a successful long term marriage over a single, incident in a then very young and immature persons life seems like a terrible waste.

 

There are no limits to the "infractions" that can be dredged up to threaten a relationship and forment "drama". Looking for trouble can only lead to finding it.

[HowToCope]

Sounds to me like she doesn't think it is a big deal. Maybe you should go out and get yours on with someone else and see if she thinks its a big deal or not.

 

Well that wouldn't be very constructive now, would it?

 

Its good that she doesn't go out and stay out late, cuz now that you know she is capable of cheating...that is not the kind of activities she can handle.

 

Keep in mind, this was 10 years ago, and she was a kid that made a (bad) mistake. She said she absolutely regretted it the day after to a point where it bothered her for years, and I believe her. No, it's not right, which is why I'm torn up about it.

 

But I am still flabbergasted about the aloof attitude she had towards the whole thing...here you are finding out your fiancee spread her legs for another guy....and she smiles about it and says things like..."I just went with it"....Maybe getting a little angry is in order if this is the kind of attitude she continues to display. If a SO other of mine acted like it was some sort of joke, she'd be out the door.

 

I don't think my last response came out too well, but in a situation like this, I think she is doing everything as right as possible. I don't know how else to say it. I believe she will be faithful. I already trust her, it's not even a question in my mind that she would do it again. I'm just trying to figure out how to forgive and forget...

[HowToCope]

Thanks Lakeside, I appreciate it.

[FooledOnce]

Dude, I'm really sorry for your pain.

 

The idea of retalliation is a terrible one. Two wrongs don't make a right. And intentionally causing a loved one harm doesn't undo accidental harm caused to you.

 

It's not a big deal to her because it was a meaningless, silly moment from a lifetime ago (how she sees it). It sounds like there wasn't even an ongoing attraction between them or anything.

 

I can see how this would really shake you though. It's like everything that you built was built on a foundation that has, somehow, changed. Also, feeling like you didn't know for so long. And finding out your wife did something that you didn't think she'd ever do.

 

Still, it seems like something that will pass. Make sure she knows she has lifetime to make it up to you!

[HowToCope]

Fooled:

Thanks man, I do really appreciate it. Bish makes some valid points, but I just know my girl is not like that. There is NO doubt in my mind that she regrets it and feels horrible for how I feel now.

R

[bish]

Well that wouldn't be very constructive now, would it?

 

Well, I wasn't serious about it as I do not think cheating is the answer to cheating. But I would like to know what she'd do or think if you went out and got you some on the side and see how she would like it.

 

I don't think my last response came out too well, but in a situation like this, I think she is doing everything as right as possible. I don't know how else to say it. I believe she will be faithful. I already trust her, it's not even a question in my mind that she would do it again. I'm just trying to figure out how to forgive and forget...

 

forgive?....maybe...thats up to you.....forget?.....never.

[HowToCope]

I'm sure she wouldn't like it at all... in fact I'm pretty sure she is well aware how I feel. I've been a wreck for a straight month now, and she has been nothing but understanding.

[CaliGuy]

I'm sure she wouldn't like it at all... in fact I'm pretty sure she is well aware how I feel. I've been a wreck for a straight month now, and she has been nothing but understanding.

 

Smiling about it, I am not cool with that.

 

That said, you've been together a long time now.

You have no reason to believe she is cheating.

She came clean.

 

Can you trust her? I think you can.

Will you trust her? That's up to you.

 

That was a long time ago and she made a stupid mistake, the same mistake many young people make.

 

If she is genuinely sorry she hurt you, if you both think you can work this out, then focus on your present and future and put the past behind you.

[HowToCope]

Thanks Caliguy. I think the smile was more of a realization that she could finally tell me, that she felt we were strong enough that something that happened so long ago wouldn't matter anymore. Little did she know it would affect me this way. She kept it secret from me because she knew how wrong it was and how stupid it was and that she regretted it immediately, and she didn't want to hurt me. I feel like she probably SHOULD have told me before we got married, but my guess is I would have been crushed, but as long as I would have felt like she really did feel like it was a horrible mistake, I would have married her anyway.

 

There's not a doubt in my mind I can trust her and she is genuinely sorry for what she did to me. One thing I have been thinking about, is had things been "reversed", if I was alone at college for a year and a pretty girl was coming on to me and we were alone with a couple of drinks in us, would I have not done the same thing? I would sure like to think I wouldn't have.... but that can be a pretty tempting thing.

 

Like I said, forgive and forget. As bish pointed out, it will be difficult if not impossible to forget - but i need to figure out how to at least make it a non-factor in our lives. So far I have been failing...

[Darkzen]

Sorry, I don't buy it. She broke your trust and didn't even have the respect to tell you when it happened. I'd be out the door, I've already been in a relationship with someone that cheated and lied. It's impossible to forgive or forget, the best you can do is... twist how you look at the world, becoming a different person in the process. I tried to forgive and/or forget my ex's actions. I always resented her for it deep down, I merely changed the person I am to deal with it. Now that that relationship is over, I see who I was and am trying to get back there. If someone cheats on me in the future, they're getting left immediately.

 

I don't care if it happened 1 day, 1 year, 10 years or 20 years ago... it'll never go away. At least if she came to you immediately and showed remorse for her actions, you might be able to forgive (play it off as a mistake), but her inability to do that would have me running for the hills.

 

The right thing isn't easy and requires much sacrifice. Trust me I know this quite well. Even after my ex cheated, lied and did me wrong repeatedly... I tried to do the right thing and be forgiving (to help someone that asked for help). The minute she stopped trying, was the minute I realized that doing the right thing isn't worth it. Do what is right for you... I would be gone personally, cheating is something I'll never accept again. I refuse to buy into that BS about everyone being good at heart. Good people do good things and bad people do bad things. Perspective just tells you, where you happen stand on the issues. My stance, is that bad things should happen to bad people and good things should happen to good people. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work this way and very few care enough to bother.

 

I'm not saying that forgiveness is impossible, but it requires the person to feel bad about their actions and try to make amends. My ex never tried to make amends, she just figured that by stopping the cheating, it'll all blow over... just like your situation. When will people take responsibility for their actions? I guess that will happen only when they're forced to. Too many suckers out there, letting bad people get away with treating others like crap... propagating the entire self-destructive circle. why stop when you don't have to be responsible for it?

[HowToCope]

Her inability to tell me right away was due to the fact that she didn't want to lose me. In some ways, that makes me feel good. Maybe I'm crazy. But if she truly didn't love me and didn't want to marry me, she could have just told me what happened.

 

Good people do sometimes make mistakes. I know I am a good person, but I have also made mistakes. Her and I dated for 2 and a half years, were engaged for 2 years, and have been married for 10. She made one mistake at a time when we were apart for weeks / months on end. I have no reason at all to even be suspicious that it has ever happened again, so this is not a "lied and did me wrong repeatedly" situation.

 

She DID and DOES feel horrible about it, in fact the first thing she told me after she came clean is that she felt horrible about it for years. She didn't tell me because she felt it was a meaningless stupid mistake, and didn't want to put me through it. In some ways, yes, I can understand this.

 

You said yourself that you tried to forgive your ex after she cheated, lied and did you wrong repeatedly. She stopped trying. I can understand why you left. However - this isn't the same case. She made one mistake and regretted it basically immediately, and has not repeated it, so I don't know how you can say it's "just like my situation".

 

She was a very young adult (probably 21) that was at the end of her last year of college, had never done any typical college type partying etc, never had a serious boyfriend before me, hardly made out with anyone before me, and probably had some cold feet about spending the rest of her life with one person, beginning only in a couple of weeks. Mix all of that with a few drinks, a late night, and a friend of the opposite sex, and .....

 

Do I wish she would have been SO excited about being with me forever that this couldn't possibly have happened? Of course I do, and I think she really was, but made a mistake. Do I somewhat understand it? Yes. Am I happy about it? Of course not.

 

In the end, I love her. We are great together, and every couple that knows us wishes they could get along like we do. I have made a choice to forgive her mistake from over 10 years ago, assuming that she shows me that she truly is sorry and truly loves me the way I love her.

[Kasan]

In the end, I love her. We are great together, and every couple that knows us wishes they could get along like we do. I have made a choice to forgive her mistake from over 10 years ago, assuming that she shows me that she truly is sorry and truly loves me the way I love her.

 

I am glad that you are going to forgive her as it was ten years ago and she hasn't given you any reason to doubt her.

 

But OP, I am wondering how she could show you that she is truly sorry--haven't the past ten years shown you how much she loves you?

 

I am hoping that you don't get so caught up in what she did and how hurt you are that you forget how happy you have been for the past ten years.

[HowToCope]

But OP, I am wondering how she could show you that she is truly sorry--haven't the past ten years shown you how much she loves you?

 

I am hoping that you don't get so caught up in what she did and how hurt you are that you forget how happy you have been for the past ten years.

 

Thank you for that thought You are right, the past ten years has shown me that.

 

I am caught up in what she did and how hurt I am right now, and I am trying to figure out how to get past that. That was really the whole point of my post.... but it took a turn!

 

Even today, I was considering contacting the guy to see if their stories "added up". That would be a horrible move, would it not?

 

I also need to figure out how to not hold it over her head. The discussion we had last night was kind of a scary one. She feels that she is no longer able to say "no" to me or disagree with me in any way because of her guilt. I told her that's not healthy, and she needs to be able to disagree with me.

[Kasan]

Thank you for that thought You are right, the past ten years has shown me that.

 

I am caught up in what she did and how hurt I am right now, and I am trying to figure out how to get past that. That was really the whole point of my post.... but it took a turn!

 

Even today, I was considering contacting the guy to see if their stories "added up". That would be a horrible move, would it not?

 

I also need to figure out how to not hold it over her head. The discussion we had last night was kind of a scary one. She feels that she is no longer able to say "no" to me or disagree with me in any way because of her guilt. I told her that's not healthy, and she needs to be able to disagree with me.

 

You are definitely entitled to feel hurt--it was a betrayal--but the key word here is "was" over ten years ago. You have had a wonderful marriage, and I am sure that you expect it to continue.

 

I think you are just going to have to take a "leap of faith" here and let it go. Really, isn't that all a marriage is anyway?

 

I think your wife felt so secure in her marriage and your love for her that she decided to tell you so that she wouldn't feel like a liar anymore. She trusted that you would forgive her as the marriage has been great. She I am sure, feels great embarrassment and shame over this.

 

Personally, if it were me, I would have never told--gone to my grave with my secret intact. So you could either call her foolish or courageous, I dunno.

 

I suppose you could try to put yourself in her place--what if you had done the same thing to her? Would you have told her, what would you have expected from her when she heard the news?

 

Don't make the mistake of letting this negate all those wonderful years--we all do stupid things when we are younger.

 

Good marriages are hard to find if you read these threads, find a way to forgive (really forgive) and move on.

 

I am pulling for you!!