Wife told me she cheated when we were engaged.....

[HowToCope]

Thanks man, really. Exactly what I needed.

 

And actually I have asked her what she would have done if the situation was reversed. Her reply was that she would have been really pissed, and then let it go because it was so long ago.

[Darkzen]

The seeds of doubt have been sown. It's going to be a major problem to get over. The mere fact that she didn't tell for 10 years only makes it worse. What else hasn't she told you? You thought you knew the kind of person she was, that's been brought into question and she isn't doing anything to help the situation (especially the way she told you).

 

She made the decision to cheat, regardless of the excuses/reasons. That should tell you a lot about the kind of person she really is. She deceived you for 10 years to get what she wanted. That should tell you the kind of person she really is. She smiled about it when she told you. That should tell you the kind of person she really is. She hurt you, lied and took away your freedom to make your own decisions... that's a bunch of BS and very very very hard to get over. Was the past 10 years all based on a lie? Would you have left her all those years ago if you found out? You have two choices really, accept what's happened or leave. Be forewarned though, by accepting it, you'll change the person that you are.

 

We all make mistakes, but I trust people that take responsibility for their mistakes... not people that hide or lie about them. Good people that make mistakes take responsibility for their actions... otherwise their not good people in my book.

[Kasan]

The seeds of doubt have been sown. It's going to be a major problem to get over. The mere fact that she didn't tell for 10 years only makes it worse. What else hasn't she told you? You thought you knew the kind of person she was, that's been brought into question and she isn't doing anything to help the situation (especially the way she told you).

 

She made the decision to cheat, regardless of the excuses/reasons. That should tell you a lot about the kind of person she really is. She deceived you for 10 years to get what she wanted. That should tell you the kind of person she really is. She smiled about it when she told you. That should tell you the kind of person she really is. She hurt you, lied and took away your freedom to make your own decisions... that's a bunch of BS and very very very hard to get over. Was the past 10 years all based on a lie? Would you have left her all those years ago if you found out? You have two choices really, accept what's happened or leave. Be forewarned though, by accepting it, you'll change the person that you are.

 

We all make mistakes, but I trust people that take responsibility for their mistakes... not people that hide or lie about them. Good people that make mistakes take responsibility for their actions... otherwise their not good people in my book.

 

 

You are coming at this through your own POV. You forgave your SO until you found out that the cheating was numerous times in your nine year relationship. I was so hoping that you would be able start to find a way to move forward.

 

The OP has had in his own words--a good marriage, (and children)he has never had a reason to doubt her. She took responsibility for her actions by telling her husband.

 

She is accepting responsibility--and the OP needs to decide whether or not he can forgive and go onward in his marriage.

 

Do you throw away ten years of a successful marriage for something that happened while they were engaged? That is the question that the OP will have to figure out.

 

Personally, I am pulling for him as well as you Darkzen.

[blind_otter]

There is a lot of info out there about retroactive jealousy and how to cope. Just google it.

[HowToCope]

Thanks again Kasan. Darkzen makes some reasonable points and I don't necessarily disagree, but I know that I can trust what she is telling me. Your posts are helping me realize that I do want to rectify this. I need to figure out how to stop looking at her in disbelief though. By the way, we do not have children.

 

I can tell you, I am not perfect either. I said before that during the year we were apart, if I had the situation occur that I was in a room, alone, with an attractive girl that was coming on to me, I can not absolutely say I wouldn't have "gone there". I'd like to think I wouldn't have.... but especially if I had a couple of drinks, well who knows. It's irrelevant to consider.

 

Would I have left her if she had given that information before we got married? I don't know, but I doubt it. If it was an ongoing relationship that she was having at school while I wasn't there, I probably would have left her. But a stupid one night mistake? We have too much going for us to let that stop us.

 

Retroactive jealousy? I googled it on your suggestion, it doesn't seem to apply to my case. From the first links I clicked on, that's about relations that occured BEFORE you were with your SO.

[Cobra_X30]

Her inability to tell me right away was due to the fact that she didn't want to lose me. In some ways, that makes me feel good. Maybe I'm crazy. But if she truly didn't love me and didn't want to marry me, she could have just told me what happened.

 

Good people do sometimes make mistakes.

 

She made one mistake at a time when we were apart for weeks / months on end. I have no reason at all to even be suspicious that it has ever happened again, so this is not a "lied and did me wrong repeatedly" situation.

 

Listen, first your hearing a spin job! You dont know if it was one time or twenty.

 

The fact that she feels comfortable telling you now and not then is basic selfishness. Yes, I know it feels great to think she didnt tell you because she didnt want to lose you. BUT, if she really loved you... she would have put you first. She would have told you even though it meant maybe losing you. She would have given you the honest choice before you got married.

 

The saddest part is that you and I both know that the information she just gave you... that was a spin job! Thats not the whole truth, its that simple.

 

I dont think you should dump your wife. But you absolutely need to make her understand why this hurts you, and how you feel. Her actions are self centered, and those poeple always make mer nervous.

[norajane]

I'm sure she didn't tell you because she was afraid you wouldn't marry her. She wanted to marry you, but she also wanted to experiment, and afterwards was sorry she did it because she knew two things - she had done something that would hurt you terribly, and she broke her commitment to you just for one night of experimenting and she was stupid for jeopardizing your relationship just for that.

 

She chose not to be honest after cheating because she didn't want you to see her differently, to think of her differently, and to break off your engagement. And I'm sure she didn't want to hurt you, but she was protecting herself and what she wanted more than she was protecting you. She knew the risk of you leaving her was there and she didn't want to take it.

 

So, now, she felt comfortable enough, secure enough with you, that she could tell you. And she's probably a little bit surprised that something that happened so long ago could have such an impact on you now. She should be feeling more insecure than you are, actually.

 

I think you'll be able to put this behind you. It will take some time.

 

But there were a couple of other things in your posts that were red flags to me. You said the sex wasn't all that between you, and that she wasn't particularly affectionate. Those issues are the ones I think you two need to be talking about openly and honestly. You're both missing out on intimacy and fun if you aren't connecting well on a sexual level. And your needs aren't being met from an affection standpoint. Both of those things could lead either of you into an affair if you allow them to.

[Darkzen]

I'm sure she didn't tell you because she was afraid you wouldn't marry her. She wanted to marry you, but she also wanted to experiment, and afterwards was sorry she did it because she knew two things - she had done something that would hurt you terribly, and she broke her commitment to you just for one night of experimenting and she was stupid for jeopardizing your relationship just for that.

 

She chose not to be honest after cheating because she didn't want you to see her differently, to think of her differently, and to break off your engagement. And I'm sure she didn't want to hurt you, but she was protecting herself and what she wanted more than she was protecting you. She knew the risk of you leaving her was there and she didn't want to take it.

 

So, now, she felt comfortable enough, secure enough with you, that she could tell you. And she's probably a little bit surprised that something that happened so long ago could have such an impact on you now. She should be feeling more insecure than you are, actually.

 

I think you'll be able to put this behind you. It will take some time.

 

But there were a couple of other things in your posts that were red flags to me. You said the sex wasn't all that between you, and that she wasn't particularly affectionate. Those issues are the ones I think you two need to be talking about openly and honestly. You're both missing out on intimacy and fun if you aren't connecting well on a sexual level. And your needs aren't being met from an affection standpoint. Both of those things could lead either of you into an affair if you allow them to.

 

So you're saying that her excuses make her actions acceptable? What if I was raised in the ghetto and beaten daily by abusive parents and made to turn tricks... would that make robbing and stealing acceptable in my specific case? Sometimes we have to say enough is enough. We all have free will, excuses do not give you a "get out of jail free" card. This attitude is what will be the downfall of mankind. "I'm fat because of MacDonalds", "I'm too stupid to not burn myself on hot coffee, time for a lawsuit"... when does the nonsense stop and people have to take responsibility for their actions?

 

Is it fair that people have to be responsible, for things out of their control? Like the OP, he has to suffer because his wife didn't give him a choice in the matter. She deceived him, taking away his ability, to make up his own mind. All the excuses in the world won't make what she did acceptable IMHO.

[norajane]

So you're saying that her excuses make her actions acceptable?

 

No, that's not what I said.

 

I gave my opinion on what I think may have happened, and how she may have been thinking.

 

And, since they've had 10 years of a good marriage since then, my opinion is that they will be strong enough together to move past it, and they need to focus on some issues which can potentially damage their relationship if they don't communicate about them.

[HowToCope]

Listen, first your hearing a spin job! You dont know if it was one time or twenty.

 

You are right, I don't KNOW it. But I believe it.

 

The fact that she feels comfortable telling you now and not then is basic selfishness. Yes, I know it feels great to think she didnt tell you because she didnt want to lose you. BUT, if she really loved you... she would have put you first. She would have told you even though it meant maybe losing you. She would have given you the honest choice before you got married.

 

I agree, and we have discussed this. She also agrees and is genuinely sorry. She immediately felt bad/stupid for doing it, and she didn't want to lose me. I probably would have done the same thing if I had been in that situation. She was 21 when it happened, pretty immature yet. She was only 23 when we got married. She did/does really love me - which made her not want to lose me.... That's pretty easy to understand.

 

The saddest part is that you and I both know that the information she just gave you... that was a spin job! Thats not the whole truth, its that simple.

 

Why do you say that? She was 21 when it happened. She is 32 now. Do you think she can't have grown as a person? I honestly believe what she is telling me. Her story hasn't changed, and believe me, I've been bugging her about it daily. The first thing she told me is that she barely remembers much of it because she worked hard to block it out of her mind.

 

I dont think you should dump your wife. But you absolutely need to make her understand why this hurts you, and how you feel. Her actions are self centered, and those poeple always make mer nervous.

 

You sound like you think I should dump my wife! ;-) We have talked about this every day. I think about it every minute. I think she really understands why it hurts and how I feel.

[HowToCope]

But there were a couple of other things in your posts that were red flags to me. You said the sex wasn't all that between you, and that she wasn't particularly affectionate. Those issues are the ones I think you two need to be talking about openly and honestly. You're both missing out on intimacy and fun if you aren't connecting well on a sexual level. And your needs aren't being met from an affection standpoint. Both of those things could lead either of you into an affair if you allow them to.

 

Well, as for the sex - she had no experience, and I had only some. We were both pretty young after all and it has taken us a while to learn what each other likes. We actually have a good sex life now, I can't complain. Sex is not as important to her as it is to me, but I think overall that's probably pretty typical. Maybe I'm wrong on that. It's important to her, it's just not as important as often.... lol.

 

As for the affectionate part - I am an overly affectionate type of person, and she never has been. She is a more independant type of person than I am, and I knew that from the start. She has certainly gotten better at it, and we do talk about it openly. In fact I told her that in order for me to heal properly, I'm going to need to feel very loved and very wanted. It's not that I'm insecure about it - but if I don't feel like she is truly in this, then I'm going to wonder if it's worth the effort.... and I don't want that.

[HowToCope]

All the excuses in the world won't make what she did acceptable IMHO.

 

Acceptable? No. I would never call what she did acceptable. Somewhat understandable and forgiveable given the circumstances? Yes, I think I am getting there.

 

If she was telling me I'm being unreasonable getting so upset about something that happened so long ago, I'd probably be out the door. But all she has done is say how sorry she is/was, how bad she felt after it happened, and how she wishes she could take it back. She continues to answer my same questions over and over and over to the point that I know she is absolutely tired of talking about it.

[Darth Vader]

Fooled:

Thanks man, I do really appreciate it. Bish makes some valid points, but I just know my girl is not like that. There is NO doubt in my mind that she regrets it and feels horrible for how I feel now.

R

 

 

The only thing is, would you have married her if she told you this before you got married? The part about her smiling about it, strikes me as her being disrepectful to you. It's like she says: I got to explore and you didn't kind of thing, and I deceived you all this time and got you to marry me. Part of it also is the fact she wasn't woman enough to let you make your own decisions for yourself. To me, she wasted your life, you could be with someone much better!

[Darth Vader]

Well, I wasn't serious about it as I do not think cheating is the answer to cheating. But I would like to know what she'd do or think if you went out and got you some on the side and see how she would like it.

 

 

 

forgive?....maybe...thats up to you.....forget?.....never.

 

 

That would've been my next question.

[HowToCope]

The only thing is, would you have married her if she told you this before you got married? The part about her smiling about it, strikes me as her being disrepectful to you. It's like she says: I got to explore and you didn't kind of thing, and I deceived you all this time and got you to marry me. Part of it also is the fact she wasn't woman enough to let you make your own decisions for yourself. To me, she wasted your life, you could be with someone much better!

 

Would I have married her? Honestly, I'd like to think I would have. If she truly felt remorseful about it and truly felt that it was a mistake. I guess I can't say for sure however. She was 21. She made a mistake. A big one, and another one by not telling me. I agree with all of this. I'm not perfect either, I can guarantee that.

 

I think everyone is reading just a bit too much into the "smiling" part of it... I think she thought it was a stupid mistake, and I dunno. I'm not sure why it came out that way, but I didn't take that as disrespectful.

[Darth Vader]

Would I have married her? Honestly, I'd like to think I would have. If she truly felt remorseful about it and truly felt that it was a mistake. I guess I can't say for sure however. She was 21. She made a mistake. A big one, and another one by not telling me. I agree with all of this. I'm not perfect either, I can guarantee that.

 

I think everyone is reading just a bit too much into the "smiling" part of it... I think she thought it was a stupid mistake, and I dunno. I'm not sure why it came out that way, but I didn't take that as disrespectful.

 

 

It may depend on the individual how to take a smile like that, but alot of men would not have married her. You can't say it was the booze either, that's a lame excuse! She was in full control of herself! To me, she wanted to do it on some level, that's my take.

[HowToCope]

It may depend on the individual how to take a smile like that, but alot of men would not have married her. You can't say it was the booze either, that's a lame excuse! She was in full control of herself! To me, she wanted to do it on some level, that's my take.

 

No, you can't say it was the booze, I agree, although she has said that she doesn't think she would have done it if she was completely sober. Alcohol does have a tendencey to allow you to do things that you may kind of want to do, but normally your morals and rationality would filter out.

 

Did she want to do it on some level? Yes. I've wanted to have sex with various women my whole life "on some level". Would I have done it in the exact same situation she was in, only reversed? I hope not, but I'm not going to say for sure no either. If I was 21, without seeing my fiance for 3 months, in college, half drunk, with a hottie hitting on me in my room..... Things that make you go "hmmmm".

 

What I think it comes down to is this, and although none of these are valid excuses, everything considered, I can see how it could have happened. She was half drunk, watching TV in a room alone with a friend who she found somewhat attractive, and he started laying it on thick. She hadn't seen me in 3 months probably, probably had some cold feet about starting her life with me in a few weeks. She always had somewhat low self-esteem (which has since improved vastly), she never went to any dances / proms / etc in high school and never had a boyfriend in high school. Plus, she made the decision in a split second, under the influence. This was not a pre-meditated hookup.

 

Anyway, what do you guys want me to say? Do you really think I should dump her? It seems like a crazy solution to me. She is not the same person she was over 10 years ago.

[Kasan]

Anyway, what do you guys want me to say? Do you really think I should dump her? It seems like a crazy solution to me. She is not the same person she was over 10 years ago.

 

 

It is interesting for me watching this thread unfold. All though it is unfortunate what happened to you OP, I see you defending your wife's actions where at the beginning of the thread you wondered if you could forgive her.

 

It is clear that you have decided to forgive her and continue on in the marriage which you say is good. Others who have posted here, will argue once a cheater always a cheater, but they are not living your marriage.

 

Only you can determine what constitutes enough is enough.

 

For the record, I believe your wife when she says she doesn't really remember much about what happened.

 

I slept with other men before I got married, and I can honestly say, I don't remember much about them either.

[HowToCope]

Well, don't take it wrong, I'm not defending her actions at all. I still think it sucks in a big way. But I do want to figure out how to put this out of my mind and live a happy life with her. I have already "forgiven" her, in fact I already had when I started this thread. It was really more of a "How to Cope" with my feelings thread, (hence my screen name ) than a "Should I dump her or not" thread....

 

I slept with other men before I got married, and I can honestly say, I don't remember much about them either.

 

I bet it wasn't when you were engaged to your husband though, was it? ;-)

[Kasan]

I have already "forgiven" her, in fact I already had when I started this thread.

 

Seriously you talk the talk, but you really have me wondering if you have forgiven your wife.

 

My understanding of forgiveness is.... that when you choose to forgive, you choose to live in the present.[sIZE=-1]

 

What more can I say to you? Choose to live in the present and that is how you will learn to cope.

 

 

[/sIZE]

[Kasan]

post deleted

[HowToCope]

Seriously you talk the talk, but you really have me wondering if you have forgiven your wife.

 

My understanding of forgiveness is.... that when you choose to forgive, you choose to live in the present.

 

What more can I say to you? Choose to live in the present and that is how you will learn to cope.

 

You're right. I guess I haven't full forgiven her. I will do my best to try to live in the present.....

[sao2]

I think some of the more extreme attitudes taken in this thread are helping the OP realize that he can get over this.

[Kasan]

You're right. I guess I haven't full forgiven her. I will do my best to try to live in the present.....

 

So the most important question here, is how do you get to the point of total forgiveness?

 

As someone who has really struggled with learning how to forgive, (tough childhood) I have learned that forgiveness is not about the other person. It is a gift that you give yourself. Forgiveness allows you to move forward without anger and resentment...it allows you to get over hurt feelings and past betrayals.

 

For me, the best part of forgiveness is I can now see love and kindness where I couldn't see it before.

 

Good luck!

[HowToCope]

So the most important question here, is how do you get to the point of total forgiveness?

 

Yes, I guess that is the question. We have a fun vacation scheduled next week and I don't want to ruin it.

 

My problem is this- I have ALWAYS been an over-analytical type of person to a fault. So unfortunately for me I feel this overbearing need to know "why". I feel like once I know that answer, I can probably come to terms with it and get over it. The problem is that there is likely no reason why. She was tipsy, alone with a friend that she found attractive, and "didn't think".

 

We had a pretty good talk last night. I said "I don't know how to get over this". She looked at me and replied "Do you love me?" And I said "Of course."