Wife told me she cheated when we were engaged.....

[niceguy27]

We had a pretty good talk last night. I said "I don't know how to get over this". She looked at me and replied "Do you love me?" And I said "Of course."

 

 

Then thats it. Thats all you need. Keep focusing on this and your going to lose/push her away. It was 10 YEARS ago! If she wanted out she would of never gotten in.

 

My ex was sleeping with some dude for a while right before we met.

The first night her and I went out, she called it off with him and never went back. Did I have a problem knowing she was sleeping with some guy a few days before I met her and started dating her??? A little, but she chose ME over him and never went back. Your wife chose YOU.

 

So put yourself in her shoes for a minute and look at it from her point of view. She obviously cares about you. How long you been together??? 14 years?? Move on and put it behind you. You say you love her? Show it by forgiving her.

[Kasan]

My problem is this- I have ALWAYS been an over-analytical type of person to a fault. So unfortunately for me I feel this overbearing need to know "why". I feel like once I know that answer, I can probably come to terms with it and get over it. The problem is that there is likely no reason why. She was tipsy, alone with a friend that she found attractive, and "didn't think".

 

I really get this--you are describing me to a t. Sometimes there are no answers that give you the understanding of "why". People do what they do for the reasons that they do.

 

You have to understand--this isn't about you....this is about her.

 

You can choose to have this hanging over your marriage, slowing eroding away what was good, or you can make the choice to "forgive" and move forward.

 

What I have found about forgiveness, is that sometimes it takes a long time. (In my case decades) It also sneaks up on you....one day you are mad as h*ll and the next day you realize that you have expended to much of your energy and your life trying to understand the whys. I will never comprehend my childhood....and I decided that not understanding wasn't the end of the world. Not forgiving was destroying me--it was making me sick. I chose to forgive as a way to release the anger and grant me some peace.

 

I suspect with you--you will wake up one morning and the sinking feeling just won't be there--you will be able to live in the now.

 

You can spend all your life looking for the whys in some situations and never find them.

[bish]

Then thats it. Thats all you need. Keep focusing on this and your going to lose/push her away. It was 10 YEARS ago! If she wanted out she would of never gotten in.

 

Not true...my stbX did the same thing to me...yet married me anyway.

 

 

My ex was sleeping with some dude for a while right before we met.

The first night her and I went out, she called it off with him and never went back. Did I have a problem knowing she was sleeping with some guy a few days before I met her and started dating her??? A little, but she chose ME over him and never went back. Your wife chose YOU.

 

She chose him BEFORE she cheated. His engagement ring was on her finger.

 

You weren't even dating her yet....apples and oranges.

 

So put yourself in her shoes for a minute and look at it from her point of view.

 

Hmmm...ok....I did...and there is no way I'd cheat on someone to whom I was engaged much less committed to. I don't know how I'd even be able to live with myself standing at the damn altar knowing I boned someone else just a month or two prior to the wedding date.

 

She obviously cares about you. How long you been together??? 14 years?? Move on and put it behind you. You say you love her? Show it by forgiving her.

 

Well there is the real thing....does she deserve to be forgived? My question is, he may think she isn't, but she may be cheating now. I know, not every case is like mine, but I found out she cheated years ago while engaged....forgave her, only to find out she cheated off and on during the marriage. I had no idea...why? Because I was a trusting fool.

 

Anyway, if she cared about him, she wouldn't have spread her legs for another man, whether it was while dating, engaged, or married.

[niceguy27]

I wasnt trying to compare the engagement to dating...It was an analogy. Maybe a bad one but...

 

The point is if he's going to forgive her then forgive her and forget about it. If not, then go to counseling or file for divorce. Dont drag it out by saying "I forgive you," then keep bringing it up every other day or slip it into every little conversation. They have discussed it, she apologized, he forgave. Done. Kaput. Finished.

 

Now it'll just take time for him to sort it all out. What wont help is to keep throwing it back in her face over every little thing she does from here on out.

[MattyTee]

My problem is this- I have ALWAYS been an over-analytical type of person to a fault. So unfortunately for me I feel this overbearing need to know "why". I feel like once I know that answer, I can probably come to terms with it and get over it. The problem is that there is likely no reason why. She was tipsy, alone with a friend that she found attractive, and "didn't think".

 

Hey,

 

After reading through I noticed this part as well. My situation is different I'm trying to understand why she left me, but the analytical part stood out.

 

What I've found is that in analysing so heavily I'm actually looking for an answer that will make me feel better about it and I know that there isn't one! My only advice (and it is easy to give, not to do) is that you need to face the situation head on. Take it in your hand and decide that you are going to make a decision about it and stick to it. That decision could be that you are really angry about it and want to break up. It could be that you are going to forgive and let it stay in the past. Once you own it and stop letting it control you - you will feel much better for it. As Niceguy says there is a good chance you are pushing her away.

 

If you do decide to go with forgiveness it might be worth going to see a counselor together and letting your wife hear why this hurts you and that you need honesty in your relationship. Just an idea...

[MattyTee]

Damn Niceguy got there first

 

Basically, the same thing. You need to own the situation and move forwards Good luck!

[bish]

I wasnt trying to compare the engagement to dating...It was an analogy. Maybe a bad one but...

 

Well if you actually were dating and she was messing around, then I think the comparison would be pretty close...maybe Fuji apples to Gala apples.

 

I have adopted the one strike and your out rule....even if just casually dating and I find out she cheats....she's outta there. I have learned that if you stay with a cheater, you will be cheated on again...its just a matter of time. Ya ya, I know...there are some out there that say they never cheated again and they have reformed...ok...good for them...but I won't take a chance if someone is a known cheater.

 

The point is if he's going to forgive her then forgive her and forget about it. If not, then go to counseling or file for divorce. Dont drag it out by saying "I forgive you," then keep bringing it up every other day or slip it into every little conversation. They have discussed it, she apologized, he forgave. Done. Kaput. Finished.

 

Hmmm...while I agree with you on almost all of that, I take exception with saying its "Finished". He may forgive her, she may have apologized, as weak as that is, but he will NEVER ever shake the visions in his head of her giving it to another man when she was committed to him. She has exiled him to a life of thinking about it. Things may seem ok on the surface, but deep down he will want to scream once in a while.

 

I'm not saying he can't forget for the most part, but there will be times that he thinks about it and may bottle it up, or he may throw it in her face. He may gain trust back in her, but it will be impossible to gain it back to 100% He maybe be happy for the most part, but that scar will be there forever for him. So it may be "finished" for her, but it never completely will be for him.

[bish]

As Niceguy says there is a good chance you are pushing her away.

 

that may not be a bad thing.

[MattyTee]

Well that's possibly true Bish but he can't change what happened.

 

He has to decide if what he has now is worth letting his pride go and forgiving her. I'm not saying I could do it, but he has to make a decision - one way or the other.

 

None of us here can say that because she made a mistake years back she will make a mistake now. Growing up changes people and things can happen for many different reasons. Like I say, if you decide to go forward then counseling might help you work this out.

[HowToCope]

Well there is the real thing....does she deserve to be forgived? My question is, he may think she isn't, but she may be cheating now.

 

She's not.

 

Anyway, if she cared about him, she wouldn't have spread her legs for another man, whether it was while dating, engaged, or married.

 

She did and does care for me. If she didn't, why would she have married me? Why not just tell me and end it? Why is she working with me now to stay with me? She made a bad/horrible decision based on some bad reasons when she was young and she regrets them. Should she have told me before she married me? Hell yes and we have talked about that. She realized it was a mistake (and before you say it wasn't a mistake, it was a bad choice, they are the same in my eyes) and didn't want to lose me. I do wish she would have told me because I probably would have married her anyway and this would be a non-issue today.

 

We dated for two and a half years, and were engaged for two. This happened about one year before we were married.

 

Bish, I realize you have been hurt, probably even more so than I have been. But this thread is in the coping forum, and I would really appreciate it if you would refrain from posting in my thread anymore. I have already made my decision, which is why I came to the COPING forum, for support in getting through a tough time for me. Most of your points are valid ones that I have already considered.

[MattyTee]

I wish you the best of luck man. Own the decision

[Darkzen]

She's not.

 

 

 

She did and does care for me. If she didn't, why would she have married me? Why not just tell me and end it? Why is she working with me now to stay with me? She made a bad/horrible decision based on some bad reasons when she was young and she regrets them. Should she have told me before she married me? Hell yes and we have talked about that. She realized it was a mistake (and before you say it wasn't a mistake, it was a bad choice, they are the same in my eyes) and didn't want to lose me. I do wish she would have told me because I probably would have married her anyway and this would be a non-issue today.

 

We dated for two and a half years, and were engaged for two. This happened about one year before we were married.

 

Bish, I realize you have been hurt, probably even more so than I have been. But this thread is in the coping forum, and I would really appreciate it if you would refrain from posting in my thread anymore. I have already made my decision, which is why I came to the COPING forum, for support in getting through a tough time for me. Most of your points are valid ones that I have already considered.

 

Not cool in the least. "Only post here, if you say what I want to hear"... Bish gave you advice on how to cope with your problem. Maybe it's not the advice you wanted, but it's advice none-the-less...

 

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people?!?! This is the second time in two days someone has pulled the "my thread" egotistical BS. The truth is... if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. AKA, don't like it, then don't post here. Honestly, shut-up unless someone breaks the rules of conduct. Having a difference of opinion isn't against the RoC.

 

The funny part is that you'll stand-up to someone on the internet, but not the person you share your life with... one that betrayed your trust, lied to you for a decade and took away your freedom of choice... lol but you want to kick out of "your thread", a guy offering advice.

[bish]

She's not.

 

 

 

She did and does care for me. If she didn't, why would she have married me? Why not just tell me and end it? Why is she working with me now to stay with me? She made a bad/horrible decision based on some bad reasons when she was young and she regrets them. Should she have told me before she married me? Hell yes and we have talked about that. She realized it was a mistake (and before you say it wasn't a mistake, it was a bad choice, they are the same in my eyes) and didn't want to lose me. I do wish she would have told me because I probably would have married her anyway and this would be a non-issue today.

 

We dated for two and a half years, and were engaged for two. This happened about one year before we were married.

 

Bish, I realize you have been hurt, probably even more so than I have been. But this thread is in the coping forum, and I would really appreciate it if you would refrain from posting in my thread anymore. I have already made my decision, which is why I came to the COPING forum, for support in getting through a tough time for me. Most of your points are valid ones that I have already considered.

 

Well I guess I don't understand people just posting questions and fishing for validation, or if they want to hear from people who have been there and done that.

 

If you have made your decision...then what is there to get answered? You have already stated your suspicions and that you haven't fully forgiven her...so pardon me...but I'm confused.

 

So if you really think you have made your decision and really think she'll never do it again..yadda yadda yadda...then by all means, forgive her already, never throw it in her face again, and move on.

[HowToCope]

The deal is, you guys have been consistantly telling me in many different ways that I'm making the wrong decision when you only have about 1% of the details. I have lived with this woman for almost 11 years now. I was looking for ways to cope with this problem and not hold it over her head, and that's why I came here. I just don't see how you two think you are helping me at all.

 

Go back and read the original post. Was I asking what I should do? Or was I asking how to get over it.

[Cobra_X30]

The deal is, you guys have been consistantly telling me in many different ways that I'm making the wrong decision when you only have about 1% of the details. I have lived with this woman for almost 11 years now. I was looking for ways to cope with this problem and not hold it over her head, and that's why I came here. I just don't see how you two think you are helping me at all.

 

Go back and read the original post. Was I asking what I should do? Or was I asking how to get over it.

 

HTC, Sorry if I came across like I was suggesting you should dump your wife. I really think that would be a bad idea for you. Besides, its not what you want!

 

What I wanted you to see is that she had a choice before you got married. And she chose to protect herself instead of protecting you. I dont think that is a loving thing to do.

 

23 isnt that young. I had a working moral compass at the age of 16. So in my book youth doesnt just give you a pass on bad behavior. It is an influencing factor however.

 

This is a big deal... and you need to put some serious condideration into it.

 

Everything that I hear from you points to your wife being a good woman.

 

Right now your kind of beating her down with this. Are you making sure that she knows that your biggest issue right now is that she took 10 years to come out and tell you?

[Darkzen]

The deal is, you guys have been consistantly telling me in many different ways that I'm making the wrong decision when you only have about 1% of the details. I have lived with this woman for almost 11 years now. I was looking for ways to cope with this problem and not hold it over her head, and that's why I came here. I just don't see how you two think you are helping me at all.

 

Go back and read the original post. Was I asking what I should do? Or was I asking how to get over it.

 

And I gave you my opinion on coping with it. I was in a 9 year relationship with someone that cheated multiple times. Yet she supposedly stopped cheating after the third year, based on the type of person she is, I'd guess that she might have stopped cheating... yet never told me everything from the times she did cheat. Bish was telling you the same thing I am... the scar will always be there. You can cover it up and not notice it, but it'll always be there under the surface.

 

Know why? Because you don't think cheating is right. In order to deal with it, you'll have to change what you believe, becoming a different person. Otherwise, you wouldn't be angry and hurt by her actions. Trust me on this, I dealt with that demon for 8 years... I lost a lot of who I was trying to cope with it. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish that I'd have abandoned ship 8 years ago. Merely trying to save you the misery that I endured. Do what you want though, learn from your own mistakes.

 

P.S. to those people using age as an excuse, it's not accurate. Experiences shape the people we are, just because you're older doesn't mean you've had experiences that change the way you think/act. Maybe his wife learned her lesson, maybe she didn't... based on what was said, I highly doubt it. People can be very convincing when you want to believe them. It's why I stuck around with my ex for an additional 8 years. She never learned her lesson, because she never had to.

[HowToCope]

Cobra:

You didn't come off that way. I was basically referring to bish and Darkzen.

 

The part about her making the wrong choice before we got married and not telling me? Believe me, she understands and agrees. We have discussed it to lengths.

 

I'm not choosing to forgive her only because of her youth. I am choosing to forgive her because of several influencing factors, all of which I won't go into here because I'm sure some will pick all of them apart. They aren't excuses she is giving me, they are factors that I knew existed and can somewhat understand. Age is one, alcohol is another, and there are 3 or 4 others I wont' get into. None of them justify what happened, but I can understand someone making a poor decision with all factors considered.

 

As far as the taking 10 years to tell me - it's not my biggest issue. Yes she was protecting herself, but that one I can understand and I can't say I would have done it any differently. My biggest issue was that she did it in the first place. The loyalty and commitment thing is what is nagging me.

 

 

 

Darkzen:

Sounds like you had a bad situation there. Doesn't mean mine is the same. I KNOW she is not cheating on me now and that it was a one time thing. If time proves me wrong, then I guess I can come back and say you were right. But I would be willing to put money on that not happening.

 

I don't believe I will have to change what I believe in. Cheating is not right and I still believe that. And she does too. If I feel she doesn't, I will make a different decision. She told me she regretted it from day one, and I believe her. I wish she would have taken one more step and thought about that before it happened, but she didn't.

 

Will it always affect me? Probably in one way or another.

 

What did she say that makes you think she didn't learn her lesson?

[HowToCope]

So if you really think you have made your decision and really think she'll never do it again..yadda yadda yadda...then by all means, forgive her already, never throw it in her face again, and move on.

That is what I am trying to do. Do you really believe it is that easy? Hence, why I am here.

[bish]

The deal is, you guys have been consistantly telling me in many different ways that I'm making the wrong decision when you only have about 1% of the details. I have lived with this woman for almost 11 years now.

 

Ya...and? My situation mimics yours...except instead of 11 years, it was 8. Thats why I say the things I do.

I've been there, done that, and removed that cancer in my life.

 

But how do you cope? The only way you are going to cope is if she kisses your ass proper. She needs to get down on her knees and be thankful that you don't leave her. In other words, your coping has EVERYTHING to do with HER actions. If you feel she is making up for it and you are sure she hasn't cheated during marriage(I thought I was sure too, then blindsided), then you should be able to cope well.

 

Tell me, if she is doing everything right, then what is the problem? What are your feelings now? Are you sure you trust her?..because it doesn't sound like you do.

[bish]

I KNOW she is not cheating on me now and that it was a one time thing.

 

How do you know? I thought I knew too.

[Darkzen]

Darkzen:

Sounds like you had a bad situation there. Doesn't mean mine is the same. I KNOW she is not cheating on me now and that it was a one time thing. If time proves me wrong, then I guess I can come back and say you were right. But I would be willing to put money on that not happening.

 

I don't believe I will have to change what I believe in. Cheating is not right and I still believe that. And she does too. If I feel she doesn't, I will make a different decision. She told me she regretted it from day one, and I believe her. I wish she would have taken one more step and thought about that before it happened, but she didn't.

 

Will it always affect me? Probably in one way or another.

 

What did she say that makes you think she didn't learn her lesson?

 

She was in complete shock that after all this time, I still felt the effects of her cheating. You must understand something in order to learn from it. Not having any insight into how I felt (as well as trying to help make things right), proves to me that they didn't learn their lesson. What exactly has your wife done to show you that she is empathic to your plight and not just putting on a show?

[HowToCope]

She was in complete shock that after all this time, I still felt the effects of her cheating.

 

You're talking first person there, are you talking about my situation or yours? I wouldn't say mine was in complete shock, although she was surprised that it bothered me as much as it did after so long. I think she very quickly realized why it bothered me so much. We also had about 3 glasses of wine before she told me.

 

 

What exactly has your wife done to show you that she is empathic to your plight and not just putting on a show?

 

I can't imagine what else she could do? I woke up hurting about it this morning at 3AM and nudged her. She had to get up at 5, yet she talked to me about it until I felt more comfortable.

 

I have to question - in your eyes, what could she do that would satisfy you that she is sincere? Something tells me there is nothing she could do.....

[Darth Vader]

Yes, I guess that is the question. We have a fun vacation scheduled next week and I don't want to ruin it.

 

My problem is this- I have ALWAYS been an over-analytical type of person to a fault. So unfortunately for me I feel this overbearing need to know "why". I feel like once I know that answer, I can probably come to terms with it and get over it. The problem is that there is likely no reason why. She was tipsy, alone with a friend that she found attractive, and "didn't think".

 

We had a pretty good talk last night. I said "I don't know how to get over this". She looked at me and replied "Do you love me?" And I said "Of course."

 

 

The answer? She wanted some strange. That's the answer.

[Darkzen]

You're talking first person there, are you talking about my situation or yours? I wouldn't say mine was in complete shock, although she was surprised that it bothered me as much as it did after so long. I think she very quickly realized why it bothered me so much. We also had about 3 glasses of wine before she told me.

 

I was answering your question in regards to my situation, then I guess I kind of went generalized.

 

I can't imagine what else she could do? I woke up hurting about it this morning at 3AM and nudged her. She had to get up at 5, yet she talked to me about it until I felt more comfortable.

 

I have to question - in your eyes, what could she do that would satisfy you that she is sincere? Something tells me there is nothing she could do.....

 

Whatever is required to help you get over it. The thing is that she created the problem, it's her responsibility to help make things right. This varies depending on the hurt inflicted and the person affected. My ex would've had to do a ton to get back to the beginning. Then again, she did a lot to hurt me. Her actions pushed me to my emotional limits at least twice. I just couldn't fathom that someone who supposedly cares for another, can act that way towards them.

 

I also believe that your wife did a lot of bad in this one situation. Nor will it be an easy thing for you to overcome. She will have to do a lot of good to balance out the bad that was done. Be forewarned though, is she willing to put the effort in or will she turn and leave the minute it gets a little rough (like my ex did). You may very well waste even more time in this situation, that's the point I'm getting at with my posts. If she doesn't make amends (I believe she's selfish based on her actions thus far), you'll never be able to move past this situation.

 

You're in a tough spot and I've been there myself. Do you admit the past 10 years were all a lie? Do you accept something that you feel is completely wrong? The truth of the matter is... either you trust someone whose broken your trust or you start over and follow your ideals. What has she done to regain your trust and make you comfortable trusting her again? You have to take into consideration that you cannot trust her, she lied to you for the majority of the time you were together... if she lied about this one thing for so long, what else has she lied to you about. Maybe she'll never tell you everything, because of how you reacted to this situation.

 

She's a selfish person, regardless of how you twist things. Selfish people do selfish things, what's changed in her to make you believe she's not selfish any more? That she finally told you that she's been lying to you for a decade. The mere fact that she didn't think it was that big of a deal after so long, has got to tell you something. It's telling me something and based on my experiences, it's a very bad thing. I foresee you guys trying to make it work, you suck down your ideals to cope, she puts in some extra effort to make things easier for you... which one of you, crack first under the pressure, down the road? It took me 8 years, before I hit the emotional rock bottom and she decided to bail out. If she was the type of person to stick it out, she wouldn't have cheated in the first place. If you were the type of person to forgive her for cheating, you'd have done it already or it wouldn't bother you.

 

Like I said, make your own mistakes... I was only trying to help you out. It's not something you can understand until it happens to you. I hope things work out, but I guess that I'm cynical. I haven't seen anything that would offer me the hope that you seem to have. Either way, good luck.

[HowToCope]

The answer? She wanted some strange. That's the answer.

 

Haha.... yeah I guess. Can't say I've never been there.