Wife told me she cheated when we were engaged.....

[HowToCope]

Like I said, make your own mistakes... I was only trying to help you out. It's not something you can understand until it happens to you. I hope things work out, but I guess that I'm cynical. I haven't seen anything that would offer me the hope that you seem to have. Either way, good luck.

 

I think she is a good person that made a selfish decision a long time ago. I have no reason to believe it's an underlying personality trait. 10 years of a good marriage has told me that. Yes, she kept it from me for 10 years, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in her position.

[Darkzen]

I think she is a good person that made a selfish decision a long time ago. I have no reason to believe it's an underlying personality trait. 10 years of a good marriage has told me that. Yes, she kept it from me for 10 years, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in her position.

 

You're free to believe that. I used to be optimistic once also, but unfortunately things didn't work out well for me in the end. Having hope in people has always lead to being disappointed in my experiences. I could give reasons as to why it is in-fact an underlying personality trait, but you don't want to admit it. A) she cheated B) she deceived you into marriage C) she kept deceiving you for a decade D) she didn't feel it was a "big deal" E) you assume that she didn't do anything else F) how can a marriage be good, if it was all built on a lie?

 

It's cool man, I understand what you're feeling. You're afraid of starting over, which is perfectly acceptable. Just be honest enough to call a spade, a spade. I cannot see your marriage doing anything but slowly falling apart TBH. It's unfair, you did everything on your end of the bargain and she didn't... yet now you're the one taking the responsibility for her actions. That only leads to resentment and over time it'll build up. To the point that one of you will crack under the pressure. More than likely, it'll be her, based on previous actions. I don't think you deserve to go through that and just trying to give you a little insight.

 

Sometimes, you have to know which battles are worth fighting...

[HowToCope]

I also believe people learn from their mistakes. Life is a learning process. Yes, I don't believe she did anything else. And I never said she didn't think it was a "big deal". She didn't think it would be a big deal to me, now, after 10 years since it was so long ago.

 

She thought it was a big deal then. If I didn't believe that, I would be gone. She tells me she felt horrible about it for years. I believe that.

 

No one is perfect and people make mistakes. Have you ever made one?

[Darkzen]

I also believe people learn from their mistakes. Life is a learning process. Yes, I don't believe she did anything else. And I never said she didn't think it was a "big deal". She didn't think it would be a big deal to me, now, after 10 years since it was so long ago.

 

She thought it was a big deal then. If I didn't believe that, I would be gone. She tells me she felt horrible about it for years. I believe that.

 

No one is perfect and people make mistakes. Have you ever made one?

 

People do learn, but the one thing I've noticed is that it takes a major event for that to happen... a life changing experience. Such as you finding out that she cheated on you. Believe me, you're going to change because of this.

 

As for it being a big deal, actions speak louder than words... she doesn't understand that it shattered your trust. She never walked in those shoes, what's to make her realize the mistake? What consequence is she suffering that will make her not do it again... she got away with it, you accepted it. That makes it not a big deal in her head. Trust me on this, my ex didn't understand the crap that she put me through and probably never will, because she left on her terms. If she had really cared, she'd have tried to fix things... not bail when it interfered with her world. I don't know all the details obviously, but I don't see any conviction to do the right thing from your wife. I see a whole lot of what's good for me and excuses to make her actions acceptable. If she really felt remorse for her actions, she wouldn't be playing it off as "I wanted to experiment" and "it was 10 years ago". She should be kissing your ass and doing everything in her power to make things right. First thing is to admit full responsibility and accept the consequences.

 

You can believe what you want, like I've said. But you should really look deep down, past the emotions and see if they're clouding your judgment. I did that myself and ended up wasting 9 years of my life on someone that didn't deserve my time. Got depressed, put on weight, lost my drive, alienated my friends and family, etc... I'm now working to right the wrongs I did because I followed my emotions. Believing in a liar, cheat and all around bad person. I fooled myself into believing things that my logic saw... all for the concept of love. After time, that love became complacency and a fear of starting over (especially in the broken imagine of what I used to be). The primary difference between our situations is that I found out after 1 year, you're just finding out after 10 years. Maybe your wife is a good person, but I call them like I see them... nothing you've mentioned has shown me that she is trying to right her wrong.

 

Yes I've made mistakes, but I also take responsibility for my mistakes. I'm just tired of taking responsibility for other people's mistakes, nowadays.

[HowToCope]

Maybe your wife is a good person, but I call them like I see them... nothing you've mentioned has shown me that she is trying to right her wrong.

 

Although I'm not really sure why I continue to post, I'll reply to this comment.

 

What I've mentioned in this post is about .01% of a persons personality. You can't possibly judge a person based on 3 pages of postings from an upset husband. You can judge her based on "what I've mentioned", but "what I've mentioned" are details about one situation in our lives.

 

If you truly knew her like I do, I don't think you'd feel the same. But that's impossible and pointless to ponder.

[fabulousgal]

Although I'm not really sure why I continue to post, I'll reply to this comment.

 

What I've mentioned in this post is about .01% of a persons personality. You can't possibly judge a person based on 3 pages of postings from an upset husband. You can judge her based on "what I've mentioned", but "what I've mentioned" are details about one situation in our lives.

 

If you truly knew her like I do, I don't think you'd feel the same. But that's impossible and pointless to ponder.

 

 

I agree, I forgave my now ex after he did something pretty bad. I think because I chose to forgave him and he was genuinely sorry, I put a little to much into "you should be kissing my ass to make this up", which was silly. While I think your ex should comfort you as much as you need, you should both try to move forward.

 

I think an incident in college 10 years ago before you were married is ok to let go. She didn't do the right thing obviously, but hopefully she values your marriage of 10 years where this would be out of the question to happen again. You probably have a good feel of that.

 

People do make mistakes.

[Darth Vader]

Haha.... yeah I guess. Can't say I've never been there.

 

 

That pretty much sums it all up right there. Why don't you just ask her that? If she just wanted some strange? Just to see her reaction, I mean, what do you have to lose?

[Darkzen]

Although I'm not really sure why I continue to post, I'll reply to this comment.

 

What I've mentioned in this post is about .01% of a persons personality. You can't possibly judge a person based on 3 pages of postings from an upset husband. You can judge her based on "what I've mentioned", but "what I've mentioned" are details about one situation in our lives.

 

If you truly knew her like I do, I don't think you'd feel the same. But that's impossible and pointless to ponder.

 

Fine, don't post any more. I tried to offer advice and rather than contemplate what I've been saying, you merely think I'm attacking you and your wife. Learn from your own mistakes, but when the **** hits the fan down the road... remember my words and also remember how you stubbornly chose to ignore them... I'm not saying you have to agree with everything I've said, but at least give it some consideration.

[HowToCope]

That pretty much sums it all up right there. Why don't you just ask her that? If she just wanted some strange? Just to see her reaction, I mean, what do you have to lose?

 

What's the point of asking? I mean it's pretty obvious that's really what happened.... and I think normally her sense of right and wrong would have filtered that out, but given many circumstances, it didn't. I can live with that.

[HowToCope]

Fine, don't post any more. I tried to offer advice and rather than contemplate what I've been saying, you merely think I'm attacking you and your wife. Learn from your own mistakes, but when the **** hits the fan down the road... remember my words and also remember how you stubbornly chose to ignore them... I'm not saying you have to agree with everything I've said, but at least give it some consideration.

 

I don't know what to tell you. I have contemplated pretty much everything you said, and what I'm telling you is that I don't believe it applies to my wife. I haven't ignored you. In fact a lot of what you said has made me think a lot, and is probably part of the reason that the last couple of weeks were really rough for us.... I have been contemplating what you and others have said.

 

You don't know her, you don't know me. All you know is what you have read. There is 14 years of history here that tell me 100% that this was and will be a one time thing. In fact, the last couple days it has been a non-issue, so I am already moving forward.

 

Thank you for your advice. My advice to you is to realize that everyone is different and you can't base your judgements on one or two experiences.

 

Good luck to you and thank you everyone for your help and advice.

[bish]

Haha.... yeah I guess. Can't say I've never been there.

 

Oh...so you thought about cheating too eh?

[bish]

Like I said, make your own mistakes... I was only trying to help you out. It's not something you can understand until it happens to you.

 

Exactly. I learned the hard way and that is the position I come from.

 

Some people just have to learn the hard way.

[Darkzen]

I don't know what to tell you. I have contemplated pretty much everything you said, and what I'm telling you is that I don't believe it applies to my wife. I haven't ignored you. In fact a lot of what you said has made me think a lot, and is probably part of the reason that the last couple of weeks were really rough for us.... I have been contemplating what you and others have said.

 

You don't know her, you don't know me. All you know is what you have read. There is 14 years of history here that tell me 100% that this was and will be a one time thing. In fact, the last couple days it has been a non-issue, so I am already moving forward.

 

Thank you for your advice. My advice to you is to realize that everyone is different and you can't base your judgements on one or two experiences.

Good luck to you and thank you everyone for your help and advice.

 

Incorrect, not everyone is completely unique. Look at the fields of psychology and neuroscience. We're all pretty much the same, what makes us different from one another is basically experiences. Case in point, Bish and I have a very similar outlook on this subject. Maybe not exactly the same, but then again we didn't have the exact same experience.

 

I moved on in my experience too after I found out my ex cheated... the problem was never fixed though. Just as your situation can never be fixed, it's not something those who get cheated on can fix. We can forget for a while, but never fully get over (barring changing who we are or seeing the cheater change who they are).

 

The common theme that you seem to be missing is that we're all not with the cheater any more, even the person that said she forgave her BF. Maybe your wife will never cheat again, it's possible, but it doesn't mean other things haven't changed in the relationship because of the cheating. In-fact, you've already changed somewhat. This whole thing pissed you off originally because of your values (I'm guessing here, it could be because of your ego). Now it's not an issue... what's changed in the situation? Did your wife magically uncheat over the course of this thread? No, so that means the only other factor involved has changed... You.

 

You've been forced to change, you didn't change because you wanted to... this leads to resentment. The whole 10 year "happy marriage" dynamic has changed. Just because it was happy in the past, doesn't mean it'll stay the course after this change... I just hope that you're aware of this.

[HowToCope]

Incorrect, not everyone is completely unique.

 

You've just invalidated every reasonable point you have ever made. I didn't realize you were a doctor! So the fact that you and Bish had similar experiences, a sample of a few, automatically applies to the billions of people on the planet?

 

I just want to thank you for this post. It proves to me that you have no idea what you are talking about.

 

You can be guaranteed, if it doesn't work out for me and her, that I'll be back here to tell you that you were right. I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you.

 

I sure wish I was as perfect as you think you are.

 

Good luck to ya bro.

R

[Darth Vader]

Darkzen has pretty much said that you are having to deal with a situation that should have never happened, perhaps even your perception of your wife has changed, as well as you, forever. At least that's what I'm seeing between the lines. Waking up and finding out what you found out, puts a cruel spin on your marriage, What I mean is, your marriage has never been what you thought it was, because it was founded on a lie. It's almost like coming home to a perfect stranger, they look like your spouse, but, you never really knew your spouse, like she's not what you thought she was, does any of this make sense?

[Darkzen]

Darkzen has pretty much said that you are having to deal with a situation that should have never happened, perhaps even your perception of your wife has changed, as well as you, forever. At least that's what I'm seeing between the lines. Waking up and finding out what you found out, puts a cruel spin on your marriage, What I mean is, your marriage has never been what you thought it was, because it was founded on a lie. It's almost like coming home to a perfect stranger, they look like your spouse, but, you never really knew your spouse, like she's not what you thought she was, does any of this make sense?

 

He's a bit defensive at this point and the stubbornness has begun to set in. I doubt anything is going to make sense to him, if it differs from the decision that he's made.

 

Thanks for summarizing my thoughts though, it's less for people to follow, in order to understand what I was trying to say.

 

P.S. I'm a bit stoned atm, so if I make little or no sense... just ignore me.

[HowToCope]

Darkzen has pretty much said that you are having to deal with a situation that should have never happened, perhaps even your perception of your wife has changed, as well as you, forever. At least that's what I'm seeing between the lines. Waking up and finding out what you found out, puts a cruel spin on your marriage, What I mean is, your marriage has never been what you thought it was, because it was founded on a lie. It's almost like coming home to a perfect stranger, they look like your spouse, but, you never really knew your spouse, like she's not what you thought she was, does any of this make sense?

 

Yes, I agree. It shouldn't have happened, and she agrees too. She regretted it to the point the next day that she was trying to avoid people in the hallway so they wouldn't see her crying.

 

You say "perhaps" my perception of my wife has changed as well as you, forever. Am I surprised she did that? Yes. Can I forgive her because of the circumstances involved? Yes.

 

All of it makes sense and I see what you all are saying, I really do. I tend to dwell on things for a while and then suddenly let them go, which is why I posted here, for help on letting it go from others that have been through similar situations.

 

But like I said, because she made a mistake a long time ago does not mean I don't know my spouse. We saw each other maybe 10 days out of that whole year before that happened. It was a tough year for both of us.

 

I guess I don't know how else to put it, but I would pretty much guarantee within weeks it will be a non-issue. If I'm given a real reason to believe it will happen again or more happened then was said, then we've got a problem.....

[Darkzen]

Yes, I agree. It shouldn't have happened, and she agrees too. She regretted it to the point the next day that she was trying to avoid people in the hallway so they wouldn't see her crying.

 

You say "perhaps" my perception of my wife has changed as well as you, forever. Am I surprised she did that? Yes. Can I forgive her because of the circumstances involved? Yes.

 

All of it makes sense and I see what you all are saying, I really do. I tend to dwell on things for a while and then suddenly let them go, which is why I posted here, for help on letting it go from others that have been through similar situations.

 

But like I said, because she made a mistake a long time ago does not mean I don't know my spouse. We saw each other maybe 10 days out of that whole year before that happened. It was a tough year for both of us.

 

I guess I don't know how else to put it, but I would pretty much guarantee within weeks it will be a non-issue. If I'm given a real reason to believe it will happen again or more happened then was said, then we've got a problem.....

 

You have a shadow of a doubt... the mere fact that she kept it a secret for 10 years, should be screaming at you that she's a liar (at least when she has something to lose).

 

You've already got a problem, that's the point I've been trying to make. Does she deserve a second chance? That's up to you. Although, don't fool yourself into thinking that a couple weeks of dealing with this, will make it disappear. The relationship has changed and can never be what it was originally. It doesn't matter what you do or what she does.

 

As for having problems at the time of this situation... you and I both know that's just you justifying your decision. It pisses you off, regardless of what you say or what excuses are used. I believe that you're afraid to start over and it's easier for you to suck this thing up, rather than tell her to get lost. I don't blame you though, it's why I stuck around with my ex for as long as I did. I'm just trying to give you a heads up...

[Darth Vader]

At least he won't be blind to the possibilities mentioned!

[HowToCope]

The relationship has changed and can never be what it was originally. It doesn't matter what you do or what she does.

 

I disagree, but you are entitled to your opinion.

 

I believe that you're afraid to start over and it's easier for you to suck this thing up, rather than tell her to get lost. I don't blame you though, it's why I stuck around with my ex for as long as I did. I'm just trying to give you a heads up...

 

You are entitled to believe what you like. I'm not afraid to start over. I have a great job in a great city with lots of possibilities, and I'm a relatively young (34), confident person.

 

I'm with the peson I want to be with and whom I love deeply. You simply don't know enough about either of us to preach to me "what it's going to be like". You have no idea what it's going to be like. You know what it was like for you, and I'm sorry it worked out that way for you.

 

Good luck in the future to you.

[Darkzen]

I disagree, but you are entitled to your opinion.

 

 

 

You are entitled to believe what you like. I'm not afraid to start over. I have a great job in a great city with lots of possibilities, and I'm a relatively young (34), confident person.

 

I'm with the peson I want to be with and whom I love deeply. You simply don't know enough about either of us to preach to me "what it's going to be like". You have no idea what it's going to be like. You know what it was like for you, and I'm sorry it worked out that way for you.

 

Good luck in the future to you.

 

Oh to the contrary... people aren't really that much different from one another. We all feel the same emotions (unless you're a sociopath). She betrayed you, plain and simple. Betrayal feels the same for me as it is does you. The only thing you can argue on that point, is perspective of what betrayal actually is. You felt betrayed, it came through loud and clear in your first post.

 

You deeply love a lie. The imagine of the person you deeply love was false. You can fool yourself and think otherwise, but then you're living a lie. Eventually this will lead to resentment and/or bitterness, which will place a strain on your lie of a relationship. The question is, who cracks first under the pressure...

 

I hope that I'm wrong, because I don't like to see anyone suffer unfairly. Although, I won't hold my breath... I've experienced betrayal many times in my life (not just in a relationship), the feeling and end result is always the same. The best case scenario is feeling indifferent towards the person, after a decent amount of time. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to be in down the road or would you like to have some emotion towards the person you're with?

[HowToCope]

So.... basically for entertainment purposes at this point:

 

One reason she was comfortable telling me about this, and she didn't think it would be a big deal at this point is because we have actually been participating in swinging for the past couple of years. It started out when I got the feeling that she might be somewhat attracted to girls. We had a chance for her to play that out (kissing another girl on the dance floor), and it turns out that it wasn't really her thing, but we continued to pursue swinging. I always used to be a jealous type of person, but we were so comfortable in our relationship with each other, that it never bothered me a bit.

 

After a couple of years of talking about it, thinking it might be fun, etc... we decided to give it a try with the feelings that if one of us wasn't comfortable with it, we would just not do it again and not be mad. Well the first time we saw each other making out with another, we were both really turned on, and eventually we moved on to swapping partners for sex. We always did these activities with each other, never going out on our own or anything, usually the four of us in the same room.

 

We have also had more/better sex with each other in the last two years since we have gotten into this. To be honest, we rarely participate in it anymore... (maybe once in the last 6 months) but we now have a lot more fun together as we are a lot more open about likes/dislikes and we communicate about that type of stuff much better now.

 

I think this is why she was so surprised that what happened has bothered me like it did.

[Kasan]

So.... basically for entertainment purposes at this point:

 

One reason she was comfortable telling me about this, and she didn't think it would be a big deal at this point is because we have actually been participating in swinging for the past couple of years. It started out when I got the feeling that she might be somewhat attracted to girls. We had a chance for her to play that out (kissing another girl on the dance floor), and it turns out that it wasn't really her thing, but we continued to pursue swinging. I always used to be a jealous type of person, but we were so comfortable in our relationship with each other, that it never bothered me a bit.

 

After a couple of years of talking about it, thinking it might be fun, etc... we decided to give it a try with the feelings that if one of us wasn't comfortable with it, we would just not do it again and not be mad. Well the first time we saw each other making out with another, we were both really turned on, and eventually we moved on to swapping partners for sex. We always did these activities with each other, never going out on our own or anything, usually the four of us in the same room.

 

We have also had more/better sex with each other in the last two years since we have gotten into this. To be honest, we rarely participate in it anymore... (maybe once in the last 6 months) but we now have a lot more fun together as we are a lot more open about likes/dislikes and we communicate about that type of stuff much better now.

 

I think this is why she was so surprised that what happened has bothered me like it did.

 

Are you kidding me??? Here I am/we are trying to help you find a way to forgive your wife, investing my/our time and you write this addendum to your situation?

 

Well, to each his own......whatever gets you through the night.

[HowToCope]

No, I'm not kidding - I valued all your input, especially yours and norajane. To me, this information has no bearing on what happened back then... but it does shed some light onto why she was comfortable telling me.

 

Is consensual casual sex really such a bad thing if a relationship can support it? Aside from the setback of the subject of this thread, our relationship has always been very good, before and after our venture into the lifestyle.

[Kasan]

No, I'm not kidding - I valued all your input, especially yours and norajane. To me, this information has no bearing on what happened back then... but it does shed some light onto why she was comfortable telling me.

 

Is consensual casual sex really such a bad thing if a relationship can support it? Aside from the setback of the subject of this thread, our relationship has always been very good, before and after our venture into the lifestyle.

 

I am in a very long term marriage--I don't share, would never consider it, nor do I believe my husband would.

 

If my husband were to cheat on me, that would be a deal breaker, because once again I don't share.

 

If you are swingers, than what was the big deal about her cheating on you during your engagement? I honestly don't see the problem.

 

Casual sex is okay with the both of you, and this happened a very long time ago...you say that the marriage is good....so enjoy your marriage.

 

There shouldn't be an issue of hurt feelings at all.