Wife told me she cheated when we were engaged.....

[HowToCope]

Because back at that time, we were in a fairly new relationship, and there were certainly no thoughts of entertaining the idea of swinging at that time. It wasn't until 8 years into our marriage that we ventured there. It takes a great deal of trust to even consider something like swinging.

 

She didn't have my permission to do it, and had no reason at the time to think it was okay, and it wasn't okay.

 

I'm curious, what would you do if you found out your husband did something really stupid and cheated on you when you were engaged, totally regretted it, and you were positive it never happened again and never would?

[Kasan]

OP--

 

As you said in your update--"for entertainments purposes" here is my take on your thread.

 

You freakin played me/us--how you must have enjoyed the debating and sparring that went back and forth.

 

You rambled on and on about your wife's dishonesty in not divulging her one night stand to you before you were married. You feelings were hurt, how could you forgive her...on and on you went.

 

The good people who responded to you (and they are good people on this site) gave you the tools to put the past behind you and move on.

 

I guess the part that really ticks me off the most, is the fact that you were less than honest in what you wrote to us.

 

How do you think the responses would have differed if you had told the truth?

 

I am not disgusted with your lifestyle...truly I am not...you are an adult and are capable of making your own decisions about how you want to live in your marriage.

 

I am really ticked that you weren't honest, and then had the balls to come back here and give me/us your update. Sorta like having a good laugh at our expense.

 

Oh yeah, along with cheating I don't have much patience with liars either.

[HowToCope]

Poor wording on my part, and I apologize. I don't believe the swinging should have had any bearing on the issue and that is why I left it out. I knew people might think that I shouldn't have any right to be upset because we are/were swingers now (and I should add, that I think we are likely done with that whole deal anyway). This happened long before either one of us would have been comfortable "sharing" each other with someone else. I never in my life thought that we would be comfortable sharing each other. If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have laughed at the thought. Even 5 years ago. So why would it have a bearing?

 

How do I think the responses would have differed? I dunno.

 

I didn't mean to play anyone. I wanted honest responses about my situation which I got, and truly appreciate. I'm sorry you feel that I played you or any of you. This site has helped me get through this. All of you have.

 

I also didn't tell you I am an engineer. It has no bearing on the subject.

[HowToCope]

And honestly, I didn't leave it out on purpose for any reason - it wasn't a factor to me in this situation. I wasn't even thinking about it when I wrote the post. The fact that we are (or were) comfortable sharing each other at one point in our lives, has nothing to do with her sharing herself behind my back when we were engaged and very monogamous.

 

As for the swinging, at least in our case (and most other couples cases that we know), it is consensual on all levels. That means that I don't go behind her back, she doesn't go behind mine. Permission and a comfort with the other parties are a requirement.

 

What happened with her in college did not fit any of that.

[Kasan]

Poor wording on my part, and I apologize. I don't believe the swinging should have had any bearing on the issue and that is why I left it out. I knew people might think that I shouldn't have any right to be upset because we are/were swingers now (and I should add, that I think we are likely done with that whole deal anyway). This happened long before either one of us would have been comfortable "sharing" each other with someone else. I never in my life thought that we would be comfortable sharing each other. If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have laughed at the thought. Even 5 years ago. So why would it have a bearing?

 

How do I think the responses would have differed? I dunno.

 

I didn't mean to play anyone. I wanted honest responses about my situation which I got, and truly appreciate. I'm sorry you feel that I played you or any of you. This site has helped me get through this. All of you have.

 

I also didn't tell you I am an engineer. It has no bearing on the subject.

 

Well being an engineer does have some bearing--you are smart enough to know better.

 

I am glad that you have worked things out with your wife--forgiveness is something that you will have to use many times in your marriage, so it's a good thing that you have the tools necessary to do it.

 

You apology of course is accepted--another thing that you will get used to doing in your marriage. But wait, you already know this.

 

OP--just be well and happy and grateful that you have a good marriage--so many on this board don't.

 

Good marriages are rare and even harder to keep.

[HowToCope]

You assume because I am an engineer I am smart. Keep in mind engineers typically have a very narrow expertise or field So what am I smart enough to know better?

 

I am curious though, do you think I would have gotten similar responses if I had included our lifestyle activities? I'm guessing I would not have. Not everyone is as open minded about such things as you are.

[blindsidedagain]

I learned 4 weeks ago that my SO has been sexually involved with a coworker for 6 months or so.

I found out, she didn't tell me.

She claims that it was an escape from her problems.

Anyway, I can understand why you be upset, but....

You were both young, it was long ago, and she told you about it.

If you love her, tell her so and don't hold this against her.

Based on the other info (ups and downs), I would strongly recommend counseling. Not for this old one night stand, but just to make sure you guys are on the same page.

[Kasan]

You assume because I am an engineer I am smart. Keep in mind engineers typically have a very narrow expertise or field So what am I smart enough to know better?

 

I am curious though, do you think I would have gotten similar responses if I had included our lifestyle activities? I'm guessing I would not have. Not everyone is as open minded about such things as you are.

 

 

Yeah, yeah, I know all about how engineers think.

 

You are smart enough to know that you should have told the whole story or not come back and tell us the swingers part with the "for entertainment purposes" title. It sounded a bit flip. I was hoping when I saw your posting that you had one of those lovely updates that I love to read. After I picked my jaw up off the table, I really got mad.

 

I don't think that you would have gotten the same responses that you got if you had told the whole story. I wouldn't have posted to you, because I would have thought, what is the big deal?

 

But things are good now, right?

[HowToCope]

Kasan,

 

I really am so sorry that you got mad. Your responses to me were some of the ones that really helped me. And yes, things are good. We may even leave the swinging thing totally behind as well, but I will honestly say that our sex lives and communication are much better since the swinging... but that's a whole different story.

 

So I would have missed your posts if I had told that part.

 

But it wasn't a part of *this* story. Do you not agree that the swinging now should have no bearing on what happened then? We have only played with others with each others permission, there was no permission there.....

[HowToCope]

I learned 4 weeks ago that my SO has been sexually involved with a coworker for 6 months or so.

I found out, she didn't tell me.

She claims that it was an escape from her problems.

Anyway, I can understand why you be upset, but....

You were both young, it was long ago, and she told you about it.

If you love her, tell her so and don't hold this against her.

Based on the other info (ups and downs), I would strongly recommend counseling. Not for this old one night stand, but just to make sure you guys are on the same page.

 

Yes, I agree. She actually went to counseling on her own a couple of weeks ago, and I am going to see the same counselor (alone) next week. We will attend a few sessions with her alone, and then she wants us to attend together. I think we are going to learn a lot. My wife said she really enjoyed her first session.

[HowToCope]

By the way blindsided, I'm sorry to hear that

[bish]

You've just invalidated every reasonable point you have ever made. I didn't realize you were a doctor! So the fact that you and Bish had similar experiences, a sample of a few, automatically applies to the billions of people on the planet?

 

No...but it does seem to prove that you only want to hear what will make you feel better. If you are only looking for viewpoints that validate your ideas...then whats the point in asking the questions? If you already know exactly what to do, then why ask for advice?

 

I just want to thank you for this post. It proves to me that you have no idea what you are talking about.

 

People who have been there and done that don't know what they are talking about? hmmmmm...interesting.

[bish]

He's a bit defensive at this point and the stubbornness has begun to set in.

 

Hey, its understandable though. I was the same way...boy was I fooling myself and being naive.

 

When I woke up and smelled the coffee....it smelled like shiit, so I threw it out.

[writeon]

Hi there, I am joining your thread late, sorry, but I just wanted to express some encouragement. I believe in second chances (and only second chances). Your case seems to be a good example where someone was sincerely sorry for doing something utterly stupid, vowed to never do it again, and has shown you how loving and trustworthy she is. I bet it was hard for her to tell you but she did so because she loves you. She wants you to know the full truth about her. I agree with those who have suggested counseling, both individual and couple's, just to make sure you are dealing with this the right way and as an outlet for your feelings. I know it was a hard thing to find out but it seems like you two have a good marriage, so don't let it ruin it, please. (Yes, I know SHE is the one who cheated, so I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong in reacting to it... I just mean, focus on the positive and all your good times together. Does one mistake before the vows were taken mean that everything after the vows were taken should be destroyed? Only you can decide, but my opinion is, it sounds like you have a keeper, despite her hugely bad past decision.

 

PS I like the post that said she has a whole lifetime to make it up to you, and the post that said she has proven that she loves you over the past 10 years, so in a way, she's already making it up to you.

 

Best wishes!

[HowToCope]

Thank you I was surprised to find another post on here as I hadn't checked in a while. I do agree with you, and we are still working on it. We have already both seen a counselor seperately and together. Not sure how much good it is doing, but it definately isn't doing any harm. It has helped me realize that it will basically just take time for me to come to terms with what happened and move on.

[e.clipse]

i don't really have any advice to give you, OP, but i have to express something:

 

i am in awe at how many of you whom replied were so fast to say, "yea, it sucks, but it was a lifetime ago. just let it go." truly, it is shocking, especially when it is coming from the people who are at the forefront, encouraging cheaters to come clean, no ifs, no buts.

 

how many threads aren't there on LS of some person coming here, to tell their lame story filled with incredibly stupid excuses, of how they cheated on their SO, only to later regret it. what do most of you tell that deceiving person? to be honest, right? right. and furthermore, one of the most prevalent hypothetical questions is: "how do you think s/he would feel if they found out, years later, that you cheated?"

 

well, ladies and gentlemen, this is how that deceived SO would feel.

 

but, i guess since it was so long ago, since she hadn't experimented and since we all know alcohol possesses our bodies and forces us to do things we otherwise wouldn't, the OP should just let it be water under the bridge.

 

and, for the future, i guess we should all adjust our advice so that when another wayward lover comes here and tells their cheating tale, we should all tell them to just not say anything, until years later, when they are, perhaps, married and in a much more secure relationship. we should just tell them to wait 10 years to finally be honest, and that when they do, they grin, too.

 

ugh.

 

anyway, OP: i would have reacted more extremely than you, i'm sure. i would have felt as though for the past 10 years, there had been a huge elephant living with us, my spouse fully aware, but choosing to keep me in the dark. not only would i feel like cheated and deceived, but also like an idiot.

 

i'd probably not be able to look at her the same way for a good while. or ever.

[HowToCope]

Eclipse:

I totally agree..... but what can I tell you? I do believe it was a stupid one time mistake. Maybe I'll regret that later - but I hope not.

 

I have also thought about these replies that say "It was a lifetime ago, let it go". They are the same people that tear people up when they post "I cheated on my SO, what should I do?".

 

It's a difficult story, and that's why I'm here. I love her, and I want to believe (and do believe) that she wasn't (or at least isn't now) that kind of person. She has given me 15 good faithful years, with a moment of indescretion at a point where we were apart for months on end. Is it excusable? No. Am I horrified/pissed/sad/upset? Yes. I have been emotional about this for like 3 months now and she is still here apologizing. Would I put up with it if it happened again? Hell no. But I have to ask myself, do I really believe I could find a person who would treat me as well overall as my wife has for the past 10 married years after she made this mistake? I really don't think so....

 

I'm hoping that I can see all of this in my heart, and let it go forever, and that is what I am working on right now. I agree with and understand everything that you have said, however.....