separated in the same house; would wife come around

[Melovator]

As an Aussie I just have to say this about your W's OM, if he's a real 'bushie' ie raised in the bush and not in the city, I'd find it nearly inconceivable that he would move to another country that doesn't have red soil and smell like eucalyptus. She'd have to be a bloody remarkable woman for him to do that IMO and... well she doesn't sound like she's ALL that.

 

It sounds like she has no clue what she really wants or who she really is anymore and so the easiest thing to do is to go back to somewhere/ when she knew who she was, ie with mummy and daddy.

 

I agree with Gunny give her enough rope and see if she hangs herself.

[redblack66]

As an Aussie I just have to say this about your W's OM, if he's a real 'bushie' ie raised in the bush and not in the city, I'd find it nearly inconceivable that he would move to another country that doesn't have red soil and smell like eucalyptus.

Well, in the winter it becomes about -31F (-35C).

 

She'd have to be a bloody remarkable woman for him to do that IMO and... well she doesn't sound like she's ALL that.

Actually she is, except her mind is very confused at the moment.

 

It sounds like she has no clue what she really wants or who she really is anymore and so the easiest thing to do is to go back to somewhere/ when she knew who she was, ie with mummy and daddy.

Exactly.

 

I agree with Gunny give her enough rope and see if she hangs herself.

 

 

I don't think I have other choice.

[redblack66]

I live in Alabama where the number one industry is agriculture.

 

I don't know about your neck of the woods, but down here? I don't know of anyone that would leave the farm to a daughter, let alone a SIL. Let alone to a daughter that moved off the farm to moved away 2000 miles to live a 180 of a lifestyle that she was raised?

 

Well, she may get good inheritence.

 

The OM? He was just a young buck out for a quick stray peice of tail. She's fooling herself if she thinks that he's going to leave Australia to come back here?

I feel the same.

 

The 180's can and do work, but they require a certain amount of self-discipline and committment. The biggest thing they require? Is a certain amount of acceptannce? Acceptance that its over and that your going to be alright one way or the other ~ ( and you will be)

 

A MC was telling me: DATE others. This is the only way you can get her back. I was saying I will loose her. He kept saying nothing has worked so far, right? As you are afraid to lose her, you will lose her.

 

They work best if your not still emotionally connected to the outcome. You are ~ as is your wife. Right now? Her alligator mouth is taking more than her Jaybird azz can tote the note on. Its all and well and good to talk the talk, but can your azz walk the walk?

 

We'll see how she will deal with the logistics of the consquences.

 

 

You've been gone four days, and she's "worn-out" with dealing with the children. Newsflash! Being a parent especially to young children is a 24/7/365 day a year job with damn few vacations.

 

Well, I also expect that she found relief by me not being here, but will see. As much as she wants out, she likes my company.

 

The only "plain" she has~ the only game she has is run back home to Mommy & Daddy. That's it! And if here home town is like most farming communties there's damn little if anything in the way of jobs for women. Especially women with multiple young children. And what jobs there are? They pay minimum wage or just above it?

 

The closest town is an hour away. There is nothing around the farm.

 

I'd give her some rope to hang herself with ~ and let her go a round or two with Mr. Reality!

 

This seems to be a likely outcome. And since I really like to have a mate in my life, I may move on very quickly. I know, I should not hurry so I work on myself and do not make the previous mistakes.

[redblack66]

That did cross my mind, but I ruled it out and did not mentioned it to you because of the 3 reasons below:

 

1) He has to be someone who is really sneaky and calculating to have a plan like this; and

2) He won't get the farm unless she divorced you and he has to legally married her; and

3) He won't get the land untill both of her parents die while they are still married, thus they would have to be married for years for him to get a piece of that farm, if ever.

 

Am I saying that it is not a possible factor at all? No, what I'm saying is that it can only be one of the many factors for his interest. The more likely scenario is that 1) he thought she was easy and took the opportunity or 2) he really loves her. It can be a combination of both, but I'm leaning toward 1).

 

What's more probable and likely for him to reach his goal, if indeed that was his goal to acquire the property, is through manipulating her parents into conveying the property to him legally. I don't think they are that naive to convey property to some guy whom their daughter is having an affair with or even after they are married, it's still very unlikely that they will convey the property to him while either of them are still alive. Possible that OM is having a plan, but did not think it through? Maybe.

 

Interesting "conspiracy" thoughts...

Yes, the father is really "grounded", so I do not expect him giving part of his lifetime work to such a person. He will give it to the daughter, or the brothers will buy her out.

So, she will have the money. If she is blind, she will lose the money, but she may not be.

[redblack66]

I was reading a list of signs when one has an affair. Interesting: one of them is that the woman does not keep the house in order.

I can see this: our house was in perfect order, now things are really sloppy.

Another reason for this to occur I believe is depressions. Just observations, little things, but they will be important in the next chapter of one's life.

[redblack66]

This morning I had a great time with the kids. Wife saw that. She was a bit resentful in her mood, but was worried about me when I arrived 6 hours after I was supposed to be. I had a gift for everybody, including her, and she seemed pleased. I also gave her a hug, although her hug was more like hugging a pole, rather than a person. That's OK.

 

She got angry couple of times related to the kids, but her anger has been a permanent state for several months. It is really difficult to focus on myself, get busy, etc., for her to see that I am on my way to move on. I am planning to back off as much as I can.

 

If I manage to be the nice husband and father (and I really want to be), she may have a strange taste in her mouth when everything is final (hope we do not get there).

Tonight we may have to have our talk, but she has a commitment until 9:30pm, and I may just go to sleep to avoid the conversation.

 

I am also looking into higher paying jobs to be prepared if a relocation for me is needed, as I will be struggling financially.

 

I am also thinking not to apply for divorce. I am sure one day she would say, you know, we had a chance but you wanted the divorce. If she wants it, she should apply. My view on things has changed a lot.

For the same reason I told her if she wants separation, she should work on it.

 

Any clues on strategies how to behave? I am walking on a razor edge.

 

I am also praying in my own way. It will not help, but helps me be a better man.

[Ladyjane14]

Any clues on strategies how to behave? I am walking on a razor edge.

 

Just remember not to internalize what are essentially her emotions. Your sense of serenity needs to come from within, in response to your dedication to your course... because she's going to be all over the place, spreading turmoil and chaos as she goes.

 

Remember that her subconscious goal is to push you away... so she's going to be pushing you. Don't assume that she's choosing to hurt you in a premeditated way. This is more like an emotional whirlpool in which she's caught. Your job is to not get caught up in it with her. You are more like a rock, impervious to the maelstrom around you, available to be grabbed onto in case she wants to pull herself out.

[redblack66]

Just remember not to internalize what are essentially her emotions. Your sense of serenity needs to come from within, in response to your dedication to your course... because she's going to be all over the place, spreading turmoil and chaos as she goes.

 

So true. She has been all over the place. Yes, I feel that if I do things to make the situation work, it does not help, as it feels like manipulation and control . I am trying to be true to myself, feel what I am doing, etc. That is, from WITHIN.

 

Remember that her subconscious goal is to push you away so she's going to be pushing you. Don't assume that she's choosing to hurt you in a premeditated way. This is more like an emotional whirlpool in which she's caught.

 

I wish I had this knowledge in July. She has been trying to push me away since then.

I do not respond to her anger and just listen, but I feel like a doormat.

I am tempted to say gently 'If you are not disrespectful, I will just withdraw for an our or two, until you show more respect.'

 

Your job is to not get caught up in it with her. You are more like a rock, impervious to the maelstrom around you, available to be grabbed onto in case she wants to pull herself out.

 

Yes, I am rock, putting solid face, no matter how much it hurts. I am just concerned that she may lose respect if I am so easy with her anger and accepting...

However, she told me a week ago that I never allowed her to walk all over me, and I am the Alpha male. She is the Alpha female, so not easy.

[Ladyjane14]

I do not respond to her anger and just listen, but I feel like a doormat.

I am tempted to say gently 'If you are not disrespectful, I will just withdraw for an our or two, until you show more respect.'

 

It's perfectly okay to disengage from conflict when you need a time-out. If the conflict isn't constructive, nothing good is being accomplished anyway. Just excuse yourself and tell her you'll be happy to talk more on whatever issue is at hand once emotions have cooled.

[Kenyth]

I remember a good quote.

 

"You'll do what you want. All the rest is just talk." A truer statement has never been made.

 

We've all given you opinions. Many of us are guys who went through a divorce with a cheating spouse. We are the veterans of this particular type of war. Take advice from who you want, and do as you wish, but keep this in mind.

 

You've already made it pretty clear to me what you want to do. You seem pretty set on it. You don't want to try for being the custodial parent, you don't want to kick her out, and you want to make things kind of easy on her. An OK strategy if you want to reconcile, but I don't think that is going to happen. It will be a high price if you don't reconcile.

 

I can't stress enough how much I recommend going for primary custodial parent and keeping your home AND the kids. In the end, your kids being occasional visitors from 2K miles away is what you'll regret most. You will never again have as good of an opportunity to get your children as you do now. Whether you take it, is up to you.

[redblack66]

I remember a good quote.

 

"You'll do what you want. All the rest is just talk." A truer statement has never been made.

 

We've all given you opinions. Many of us are guys who went through a divorce with a cheating spouse. We are the veterans of this particular type of war. Take advice from who you want, and do as you wish, but keep this in mind.

 

You've already made it pretty clear to me what you want to do. You seem pretty set on it. You don't want to try for being the custodial parent, you don't want to kick her out, and you want to make things kind of easy on her. An OK strategy if you want to reconcile, but I don't think that is going to happen. It will be a high price if you don't reconcile.

 

I can't stress enough how much I recommend going for primary custodial parent and keeping your home AND the kids.

 

I wish I can go straight for custody. Here is the unusual issue.

My daughter, 2 years and 6 months old is still breastfeeding.

My lawyer tells me that joint custody will be unlikely in this scenario. She (lawyer) tells me that does not want to be the judge to decide in this case. She may have to do some research to see how other cases are decided.

 

In the end, your kids being occasional visitors from 2K miles away is what you'll regret most. You will never again have as good of an opportunity to get your children as you do now. Whether you take it, is up to you.

I know. I will give my best shot to get as much access with the kids as possible. Yes, reconciliation is not on my wife's agenda.

 

BTW, what is your experience going for custody?

[redblack66]

Here is another item I am wondering. Sorry, my questions and observations may be over little things and wasting cyber space, but not paying attention to the little things flipped my marriage.

 

I think my wife is depressed. Our house was in perfect order, always had groceries, dishwasher was never full with clean dishes, etc. Now, the house is the same way I leave it in the morning and no groceries in the fridge. I am wondering what she is doing all day; our daughter is with her all the time.

 

My explanation is either she is concerned about our situation or not having news from her OM. Anyhow, it seems she does not have a desire to do much.

 

Any insights, especially from the female audience? Many thanks.

[bestadvisor]

Something fishy is going on? Could she be talking through phone or online with OM all this time while you're at work? Could she have a secret cell phone that you don't know about?

 

Does she seem so depressed that she didn't do all those chores that she used to do all the time?

[redblack66]

Something fishy is going on? Could she be talking through phone or online with OM all this time while you're at work? Could she have a secret cell phone that you don't know about?

It is possible she is spending all the time talking to the OM while I am at work. However, I expect her to be upbeat if things are OK there and expect her to have more energy. That is, expect her rejuvenated.

I don't think she has a secret cell phone, but I do not believe anything anymore.

 

Another explanation, she is waiting all day in front of computer to receive an e-mail. Funny.

 

Does she seem so depressed that she didn't do all those chores that she used to do all the time?

I wonder if she is depressed, but her house works is absolute zero. This is so uncharacteristic for her.

 

Today I had individual marriage counseling and feel much better. The MC confirmed that I have had awakening and know what I am doing. She also thought that my wife is irresponsible and immature.

[Ladyjane14]

I think my wife is depressed. Our house was in perfect order, always had groceries, dishwasher was never full with clean dishes, etc. Now, the house is the same way I leave it in the morning and no groceries in the fridge. I am wondering what she is doing all day; our daughter is with her all the time.

 

My explanation is either she is concerned about our situation or not having news from her OM. Anyhow, it seems she does not have a desire to do much.

 

She'd need a depression screening from her doctor in order to make a proper diagnosis, RB.

[jmargel]

Buy a digital voice recorder (a couple of them) and hide one in the bedroom, one in the computer room and one in the living room. You will then get your answers.

[Ladyjane14]

Buy a digital voice recorder (a couple of them) and hide one in the bedroom, one in the computer room and one in the living room. You will then get your answers.

 

They're legally separated, J. Won't he get in trouble with the judge if he gets busted spying on her?

[Kenyth]

They're legally separated, J. Won't he get in trouble with the judge if he gets busted spying on her?

 

It could very well be so. The whole seperation is a waste of time and resources on his part, and she's manipulating him to get what she want's before taking off IMHO.

[redblack66]

It could very well be so. The whole seperation is a waste of time and resources on his part, and she's manipulating him to get what she want's before taking off IMHO.

 

I will get in trouble. I may be in trouble for reading her journal and making a copy of it. If the future of kids may be affected by me not knowing what is going on, I feel justified. She wants the copy and I will give it back to her. She will request it through her lawyer.

 

This morning I told her

- I will be forgiving everything on her part, as I need to forgive for myself so I do not live with the past

- I will not be filing for divorce

- My MC told me that if we can pull it together this time, we will have a very strong marriage. The MC thought that I am genuine in my efforts and indeed understand what I have done/have not done.

- I asked her if she has long term plans with OM in terms of living arrangements, kids, etc. She says no plans.

 

- Wife tells me that she e-mails once a week with the OM.

 

 

She told me that I invaded her with my actions. I told her that she invaded our family big time. She did not say much. I have been pleasant, caring, etc.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I will get in trouble. I may be in trouble for reading her journal and making a copy of it. If the future of kids may be affected by me not knowing what is going on, I feel justified. She wants the copy and I will give it back to her. She will request it through her lawyer.

 

This morning I told her

- I will be forgiving everything on her part, as I need to forgive for myself so I do not live with the past

- I will not be filing for divorce

- My MC told me that if we can pull it together this time, we will have a very strong marriage. The MC thought that I am genuine in my efforts and indeed understand what I have done/have not done.

- I asked her if she has long term plans with OM in terms of living arrangements, kids, etc. She says no plans.

 

- Wife tells me that she e-mails once a week with the OM.

 

 

She told me that I invaded her with my actions. I told her that she invaded our family big time. She did not say much. I have been pleasant, caring, etc.

 

Ah so she is cheating!

 

So that's why she wants to leave she thinks the grass is greener on the other side.

 

But now that you know, go get a lawyer and find out your rights.

 

She wants out dont fight it, kick her out. Arent you tired of putting up with the bullsh*t!!!!

 

Where's your anger!?!?

 

You gotta dig deep and let it motivate you!

 

Expose her to her family and friends and then give her back the diary.

 

You were right to call her on her bull****. Once the OM fails she'll either try to get another one or come crawling back. You need to move on I sense she's going through a MLC. It isnt your fault. It's all on her. Sometimes breaking up is inevitable.

[redblack66]

Ah so she is cheating!

 

And leaving in complete denial. And trying to lessen her guilt by being angry and who knows what else.

 

So that's why she wants to leave she thinks the grass is greener on the other side.

 

But now that you know, go get a lawyer and find out your rights.

Her explanation is my wrong doings in the marriage. I do not know what to believe anymore. I am talking to a lawyer.

 

She wants out dont fight it, kick her out. Arent you tired of putting up with the bullsh*t!!!!

She is preparing the separation agreement and I will insist on what I want.

I am not tired, I am just exhausted dealing with BS.

 

Where's your anger!?!?

 

You gotta dig deep and let it motivate you!

I am going back and forth between motivation to finish it all and love.

 

Expose her to her family and friends and then give her back the diary.

I talked to her father about it. I am sure she convinced them that I am the person making it up. One day the truth will come out, I am sure about this.

 

You were right to call her on her bull****. Once the OM fails she'll either try to get another one or come crawling back. You need to move on I sense she's going through a MLC.

I have been also reading about MLC, and what I see in her and hear from her, I would say it is like 100% MLC.

Does it get worse? For example, if she gets early menopause?

It may not be a fun ride, if things are bad now.

 

It isnt your fault. It's all on her. Sometimes breaking up is inevitable.

No, it is not my fault about the current situation. At least I know what I have/have not done in the past, and I am working very hard to be different and a better man. I am doing it for myself, which will help me in my future relations with people.

 

I don't think she has moved an inch in her understanding of the situation and the consequences.

I feel really bad after two failed marriages and three kids. I am also worried that I may end up in my life alone.

[redblack66]

This is more for the fun of it so you see what I am dealing with and how lawyers can suck up all our money.

 

This evening.

She wanted written permission to take the kids away for the weekend. According to the court order, nobody can take them away for more than about 20 km, ~12.4 miles without the other’s permission. I told her she has my verbal permission, but no need for written permission.

I had her verbal permission last weekend when I took the kids away on Sunday afternoon. I considered this is a good sign for restoring trust.

 

Then she calls her lawyer to check if verbal permission is OK. I tell my wife ‘Look you don’t get it. We will deal with each other for many years to come. You can trust me and everything will be alright.’ She does not trust me and gets angry.

I told her ‘You can write this letter and I will sign. Just grow up and don’t waste time and money.’ She is very angry and tells me that I am supposed to be in a different area of the house, so I must leave the living room. I say ‘I am having my dinner, so if I am in contempt of court, you call the police.’ She writes all this in her diary for her next affidavit, as she tells me.

After I walk out, she is OK after half an hour.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow, you know what it is, it's the guilt that's killing her , her insides are all in turmoil.

 

You need to keep detaching. Dont worry let her deal with her issues on her own and focus on what you need to do in your life. If you feel your the better parent then you go and file for full custody simple as that.

 

Damn the biases of the courts get you a father's right attourney and fight like hell!

[redblack66]

Wow, you know what it is, it's the guilt that's killing her , her insides are all in turmoil.

 

I wish you are 100% right.

 

 

You need to keep detaching. Dont worry let her deal with her issues on her own and focus on what you need to do in your life. If you feel your the better parent then you go and file for full custody simple as that.

 

This is what I learned: if the partner is leaving, focus on moving on with your life and do it as fast as you can.

 

Damn the biases of the courts get you a father's right attourney and fight like hell!

 

My lawyer seems aggressive, but I have to set my priorities straight and see what I want.

[redblack66]

I am just thinking, and perhaps I should stop doing this, how a wife can fall in love so badly and how to fall out of love with the OM. I guess I have no influence on this.

 

Even if I am the most amazing person in the world, she just does not want me as her brain is with the OM. Any attempt to look more attractive she may see as a pitty sign of weakness.

 

I guess dating others may be the only way to get a mate back, or simply just move on quickly with life.

Trying to understand perhaps something that cannot be understood about women.

 

Any female point of view will be appreciated.